How to Make Difficult Conversations Less Stressful

My Dad cares for Mom and they live in the first floor of my house. I try to keep their home clean and fresh, but Mom is always cold so Dad won't put the air on or a fan. The place has a musty smell from cooking and humidity and I keep telling him to circulate air but either forgets or he ignores me because she's cold. I don't know what else to do.

over 2 years ago

Okay, now I don't feel so bad! I'm working with a 81 year-old mother who is in and out of situations which cause me concern, and I've backed off because don't want to deal with the vicious responses. I know now that it doesn't matter how she responds...I have to create a positive conversation if I can. THANK YOUU

Very informative and helpful article. I just want to add another dimension to painful conversations with our parents. What if you have a parent that has been a rageaholic all their lives? If you bring up any topic that is sensative, a rageaholic parent will make you pay the rest of your days. I understand wanting to keep them safe and protected as well as others, but I also know from experience that self-preservation is also very important.

this is one of those articles i'll file for future reference. thanks. -karen

Paula Spence­r Scott

over 2 years ago

Thanks all for your input. I love that pullups story! And Anonymous, I hope you'll look for some caregivers in similar situations with relatives in our discussion groups (click "Groups" above) -- more people than you know can relate to your hardship, and may have other supportive insights for you --

joyg

over 2 years ago

This is one of the best articles I have read. Very practical and right on point. In a keynote I gave yesterday, I talked about the very same thing and the need to find you power. We need to be strong to address these issues, but it is a absolute necessity. On this long journey there are indeed "ages and stages". And thank you Rob for that funny story which brought humor and solution to the problem.

Rob

over 2 years ago

Paula, you're doing a terrific job answering these caregiving questions from frustrated relatives! I wanted to say that most of them would benefit, I think, from support group meetings, even if they have to pay someone to be with their care recipient during that time. I learned so much, from the young man who solved his problem with pullups for the incontinent father who simply would not accept the idea: the son took off his pants, put on a set of pullups, got his father to do the same, and after a while they looked at each other and laughed. That broke the ice - the barrier so many close relatives and spouses have in caregiving. There is no intimacy like the caregiving intimacy, and shame and embarassment have to be put aside in order to make things work.

i am taking care of my mother at my home,she has end stage liver diesease and advanced dementia and brain damage.she has to have her diapers changed ,bathed fed, supervised 24 hours a day.my father died almost two years ago from cancer and he and my mother wanted me to be her power of attorney.well she was staying in a nursing home for 5000.00 a month and i didn't like the way they cared for her as much as i thought i could.i needed a job also (i knew it would be hard caring for her and being p.o.a. but she has been here for 9 months now.so i decided to bring her home, but also instead of paying a nursing home i would pay myself half of what she was paying from my fathers pension and social security.My brother was living at my dad and moms house when he passed but my father kept telling me to sell the house and the 3 children (us) would share the money .but my brother says he cant pay rent since he really wanted to keep living there and so i said either pay rent or i will sell the house.well 2 years later not one cent has been paid he was supposed to give my sister and me half of the renteach month.now my sister and husband are having hard times and she "says" she wants half the money i make so i said fine we can take turns a week or two at a time.Now she says she cant do it at her house so she will take her to my brothers house and watch her there except she wanted to go home at night and come the next afternoon and stay till she goes to sleep.I told her i didn;t think that that was right i thought she should spend the night also cuz mom wanders around alot at night plus my sister in law is having a baby in 4 days.she got all put out and acts like i am ripping my mom off!! When neither of my siblings rarely come visit her here except x-mas b-days etc.She my sister says she feels like shes not getting anything since my brother dont pay rent and i get paid for caring for her and buying diapers ,wipes ,clothes,baby food or pureeing everything she eats.And she thinks after my dad died my mom is still getting the full retirement they were getting bt after he passed she gets an annuity which is half of that.I really feel hurt by her comments i told her call the pension plans ans soc. security to see how much she gets.anyways things sure get out of hand and all they keep asking is if i could get money out of her cd's my grandmother and my mom had together but i explain to them thats my moms money until she pases then we are the benificeries I CANT BELIEVE THIS!!!