Forgetting Faces: What It's Like to No Longer Be Recognized by Your Dad

Seastar

4 months ago

Some days, we've lost the connection of mother-daughter at our house too. It is painful for me. Most days I feel like I am trying to catch up - sometimes she thinks I'm one of Moms' neices or a sister... If I make a mistake and think that I am her daughter today, then it's a bit of stress on Mom. So I have to ask lots of questions about 'who i am' in order to participate in a meaningful way for her. I love that she's trying to place me in her world. And it doesn't really matter who she thinks I am; I know that she's the person who gave me life, so now I'll make hers as pleasant as possible.... even if it's a bid sad for me at times.

It is a very sad thing when your loved one has difficulty remembering who you are. In my case it is my dad (81) who suffers from vascular dementia. I help out with his care and with chores etc. two days a week. Over the past year, he has slowly started to confuse me with my mom, and vice versa. It also depends on the day, the time of day, or what "frame of mind" he is in. There are times when he he "dad" and he calls me by my name and/or acts as if nothing has changed. When he slips into another place and I seem to be unrecognizable, I can tell immediatel. I can see it in his eyes when he is "not really there." The first time it happened, I felt a sinking feeling inside and realized I had to face the reality that my dad was eventually really going to "slip away". But, it seems nature/life has a way of dealing us things in small doses so we can get used to them. So, over the past year, slowly more such episodes occured. Now at this point I accept them. I also am comforted in the fact that although he has trouble with visual and mental recognition.... he knows in his heart that I am part of him. We have a special connection and continue to enjoy certain activities together. These nobody else shares with him, and it is then that I feel the "bond" that is not explainable, but is so real. Dementia does not take away the emotioanl bonds people share, I know this now because I experience this all the time with my dad. Trust in this... and it will not hurt so much when your loved one does not "recognize" you. In their heart and soul they "feel you there".

2 U with lov­e

5 months ago

My hubby is not too bad, but yesterday he had what is called a vasovagal attack, we were at the movies when it happened, it was the first time that I experienced the who are you? look, and it near broke my heart, there were so many of the church and town folk around, the Pastor took control, called the ambulance after a few hours in hospital he finally recognized me. I noticed though that he gave all the nurses a hug or kiss and asked how you going? so maybe he thought they were all me! I agree I've never been more lonely in my whole life.

Emily M.

8 months ago

Hi jpreaves, Thanks for your question. If you'd like, you can post your question in our Ask & Answer section, here: ( http://www.caring.com/ask ). Take care -- Emily | Community Manager

jpreaves

9 months ago

This is not a comment....it's a question? When my wife no longer recognizes me I sense that I will not treat her like she is my wife........example, I always give her a kiss on the lips when we part for any reason. would she repel this action if she doesn't recognize me as her spouse? With all that has happened up to this final stage of the disease I think this will be the one I will hate see come most. I wonder, is it just the initial shock, then everything is alright, or does some change come about that no one likes to talk about. Or, maybe we all handle it a little different............? Jean-Paul

etd

10 months ago

I am one of 7 children and I would hear my father ask my mom, "What's her name again?"---Yes, it's heartbreaking. I always identify myself when I see my dad. It doesn't help that he has macular degeneration and can barely see so it makes it doubly difficult. He also no longer asks about my husband or our children. It's not his fault. It's that horrible disease. He sometimes asks me, "What's your name?" and I tell him in a matter-of-fact way. He also does that with my sisters and my brother. He may call me by one of my sisters' names. It doesn't bother me too much anymore. I always tell him, "Dad, even if you don't remember my name, you know I belong. We are family." My brother, sisters and I care for our dad around the clock so it's always the same 7 people. He may not remember that we are his children, be he knows that we belong and we love him and we will take care of him always. I hate this disease, but I love my dad.

TomD2000

about 1 year ago

This is now happening with My 85 year old dad...he thinks my mother is an imposter, he wonders where his wife is....My sister came to visit from out of town and he does not know who she is...this is her first experience with this. I think I will be next.

The Caregive­r's Voice

about 1 year ago

Surprising! How can my father who celebrated his 49th brithday with the birth of his daughter (me!) forget who I am? Yet he did! Instead of lamenting the loss, I looked forward to that moment--in the ups and downs of lucidity--when he did recognize me. He looked at me, called me by name, and asked me a question. After I assured him that all was taken care of, he was calmed and continued walking...away. SIGH Such are the JOYs of Caregiving for one with Alzhemer's.

juno2010

over 1 year ago

My husband sometimes knows I'm his wife - at other times he thinks I'm his mother or just a friend - doesn't matter really - he still cares about me whatever label(name) is put on me. I suppose I'm treating him more like my mischievous boy than my husband because that's how he's behaving now - very playful - I just love that he's in there somewhere.

I never ever thought my mother could fail to recognize me, her beloved elder daughter, so when it first happened I was incredulous. That was years ago. I've totally adjusted. I don 't usually bother telling her who I am because she'll forget it a moment later. And there have been times when she just didn't believe me, anyway, and said she didn't have a daughter. Anyway, she doesn't seem to care who I am as long as I'm smiling at her. And now I'm totally fine with that. You can get used to anything, it seems. Now if my father, who's starting to have dementia, stops recognizing me, I don't know how I'll feel...

skampz2

over 2 years ago

The first time my mother didn't recognize me, I told her she was my mother and that I was her daughter. The puzzled look in her face made me realized she caught her moment of confusion. We embraced and both cried. Now we I visit, I just announce, Hi mom, it's Kathy. On days that she is more confused...i just let it pass. It alleviates additional stress and confusion for her.