Last updated:
07-Nov-2008
Final Messages
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My Dad told my Mom to call my brother and me, after about 6 weeks of hospice care following colon cancer(3 years, a few "procedures") and a stroke. We arrived to find him in good spirits...he had been "waiting for the grim reaper, leaving the door open" for weeks. He HATED being bed-ridden and wearing a diaper! We got there to visit with him, my Mom was there, and an uncle he was particularly fond of happened to stop by that day too, along with my oldest son. We chatted, listened to some of his favorite music, and let him lead the way to what to talk about. About 6pm, he started to "ramble", saying numbers, like "42-67", 65-32", etc. Later, I realized that since he had been a carpenter for 50 years (his gold union card was one of his treasured possessions), and had worked all over the city of Chicago after he arrived here from Glasgow in 1948, that he was giving me addresses of places he had worked on. My Father-in-Law just passed away a month ago, and he was an accountant for the IRS, and he was saying "sums and numbers" as his last coherent words! I guess our jobs really ARE that important to us! My Father spent the next 2 days "asleep" while I sat next to him, playing his music tapes for him, and talking to him, telling him I hoped he was with his relatives again, and that even though I would miss him, I understood that he had to leave me. The 4th day, his eyes were wide open(no blinking), and he was breathing irregularly. I played his tapes for him again, and the hospice nurse walked in, just as he stopped breathing...he had always told me the doctor told him he had the heart of an 18-year-old, and he would joke that he'd better "give it back to that kid, he must miss it!" She stoked his hand, and he took a few more breaths, then I turned to her and said, "Do you recognize that song?" It was Gershwin's "Someone to Watch Over Me"...I wasn't sure if he was "thanking me" for watching over his death, or if he was assuring me that he'd be watching over me from then on...but he took his last breath and was still. Yes, he knew when it was coming, and he knew he was loved by those closest to him. And despite the many times I have cried over missing him, yes, I am less frightened of death now.
Thanks so much for your letter. It's great that you could ease your mother's mind before she died. I'd love to hear from other readers who've had similar experiences.
My brother and I knew something was keeping my mom from letting go - it wasn't until I promised her that I would always be there for my brother (he'd always been a little less the responsible) that she finally let go. I made my promise to her around 1 o'clock in the afternoon and she passed at 7pm that evening. So I totally agree with what the article on the importance of last minute communication to ease the way.