Depression and the Too-Secret Grief of the Dementia Caregiver

I knew I've been grieving my mom's losses for several years. Sometimes it's more intense than others, but I've often said, "She's dying 1,000 deaths"...same idea as the article. I'm just glad to know I'm not alone and that grieving prior to death is normal and expected. I do feel more prepared for the eventual end and know it will also bring some relief from watching this slow, struggle. So, this article was very affirming and I liked the way it clearly listed the "things that help". Thank you!

Cathie, I'm sending you a hug and keeping you in my prayers. I know exactly how you feel. Your description of your mother sounds like you've been watching my mother and me for the past several months. I moved in with her after my Dad passed away in February and life has not been the same since. I sometimes get so frustrated or angry at the disease that I have to walk out the room and be by myself for a while. Mom wants to see Dad and her parents who have been gone for over 20 years. When she doesn't hear from them she thinks they don't love her anymore and doesn't know what she did that was so wrong. It's heart breaking. We don't know whether to tell her they're gone (which we've done in the past with disasterous results) or let her be sad because "they don't love me anymore". Those times are the worst - even worse than the evil-mean you describe which we have frequently. When she gets mean, I just leave her alone for as long as it takes for her to go on to another thought. Sometimes that's several hours during which time I check on her but do not let her see me. Best of luck with your mom. You will be in my prayers. Betsy D.

Your article made sense and nailed how I am feeling. My mom has dementia along with they have her on some serious pain meds and the "anticipated grief" is more painful I think than if she actually died. To see her getting farther and farther out there in a world of her own and not being able to reach her totally. It feels like as if she were hamging over a cliff clutching my hand and I was slowly losing my grasp and she was slipping farther and farther and not being to hold on to her. The accusations of stealing her car cause she doesn't remember she asked me to go to the store or remembering giving me permission to use it to run errands. Or the accusations of stealing her money cause she forgot she told me to go to the bank or go buy her something. She gets very vindictive and down right evil-mean sometimes. Or gets up in the middle of the night and thinks she's cooking for someone and turns on the stove. It's scarey cause I am afraid I won't hear her if she falls, or leaves the stove on and starts a fire. There is no hope and joy in my life right now and I want so badly to be a pleasant thought to my mom. She is deeply depressed also cause she knows how bad she is getting and doesn't want to lose her mind, get old and die. She's scared too. But, because she thinks I am trying to take from her she doesn't trust me enough to confide in me about something so intimate. I truly feel totally lost most the time.