Last updated:
22-Oct-2009
Beware an Unexpected Source of Caregiver Stress
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I love the way this thread has developed. All the regrets seem to come from being task focused. All the solutions come from being in the moment and asking what matters right now. I love Joy's comment "I choose to give my husband my best every day..." If we can just put a little space between what we think needs to get done and doing it, a little space between what springs to our lips and what we actually say...how might things be better? And when we don't put in that space because we are tired or stressed that we forgive ourselves and move forward. Janice Wallace, The Eldercare Coach www.caringforcaregivers.com
This one really struck home! I tended, for a long time, to do my "chores" and then spend most of my time in another part of the house, leaving my parents alone with each other (as they have been married 60 years, they really don't want that much "alone time.") Recently, I've started to sit down in the kitchen before dinner prep with a glass of wine. When either of them passes through, I offer them a drink (coffee, wine, whatever) and ask them to sit and join me. Not for nothing do they call it "attitude adjustment hour." It has changed the way I feel about all of this enormously. I'm more than a caregiver--I'm a daughter. They are my parents. This is time I will never regain if I don't take it now. Phew! Saved by premature regret!
I love the comment "...regrets are forever. I am currently in my living space i.e. my bedroom while my Mom is in the living room watching T.V. I can't stand the TV being so loud so I disappear. Ya know after reading this, the reason I'm here is caring for my Mom and that means more then cooking and cleaning. Thank you so much for the reminder, I think I will go and watch TV with my Mom. I think lonliness is the worst illness and so easy to cure. Thanks again. Imelda
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Thx for the feedback...helpful to hear that everybody has some kind of regret or another...
I recently quit a very part time job as I realized that it was making me short tempered with mom because that was the time she most needed me to be around. I don't regret it. Sure I won't have that extra money for a few years but I only have mom for a few more years. That living in the moment is good advice and try to stress less and smile more...No matter how much time you have with your loved one, regret is forever. This website is a godsend. It helps you to keep things in perspective. Thanks Caring.com
Regrets, Paula you certainly picked some big ones for your post. Another one for me is being distracted. Caregiving brings so many tasks, I think we can forget to slow down and appreciate the person we are caring for. While recently helping an elderly friend I found myself making a conscious choice to slow down. I could have been all caught up in rushing around and trying to get her to move faster but that would have just caused more stress. Being in the moment with her and moving a more of her pace made our time together better. Janice Wallace, The Eldercare Coach www.caringforcaregivers.com
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Great article. My husband is in skilled nursing/hospice, and I see so many other families arguing over little things that don't make any difference. Saying harsh things out of stress. I know that after the fact, they will feel guilt because they did not show all the love they could have. I even have patients say to me, how can you keep smiling so much? My answer, we all have choices and I choose to give my husband my best every day. In other words, I am trying to live my life as it is happening right now, so I don't have any regrets later. It is a choice and not always easy.
Great post Paula, What can I say? You are right on, we are often so serious about health that we forget about quality of life for the person we are caring for and for ourselves. I really liked the part that you wrote about small indulgences. I think that you have to let loved ones enjoy themselves and de-stress yourself. Every caregiver should take some time off and recharge by doing things that they love. Especially with the amount of quality in-home care services out there today. Great article, Bill My Blog: www.rightathome.net/seniorhomecare