Comment on How to Say Thank You to a Caregiver This Thanksgiving

Sculptor — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 14:54:30 -0000

Your donation idea is a good one too. I forgot to mention that you can also make a donation through ThankingOfYou.com in honor of the person you're thanking. Link directly to the Web sites of a few featured organizations, or donate on your own. Either way there's a place to note that you've made the donation while you're posting your story.

Comment on How to Say Thank You to a Caregiver This Thanksgiving

Sculptor — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 22:19:28 -0000

Good blog! Expressing gratitude is always important. There's a new Web site called ThankingOfYou.com that's exactly for posting (and searching) stories of gratitude for the people who make a difference in your life--like caregivers, teachers, mentors, even strangers. It's another option, especially if you don't know how to reach the person you wish to thank. And the stories are public, so everyone can read about how this person/people has made a difference. It's www.ThankingOfYou.com

Comment on A Parent's Death Is Never Expected, Even When It Is

Before During and After the Book — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 01:43:00 -0000

Thank you for sharing! I wanted to share with you a book I wrote about dealing with death and end of life choices. I'm a Hospice Chaplain currently. I've also lost my parents. My website has a live forum where we all can connect and share our stories with each other. I just got the website put up and my book is available starting December. http://beforeduringandafterthebook.com/home.php Thank you! Stay strong and celebrate your parents teachings and life!

Comment on 12 Family Movies to Watch This Holiday Season With Someone Who Has Dementia

not myself — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 07:20:47 -0000

Thank you, Paula! This is my second Thanksgiving/ Christmas having my parents with us, but the first when not a one of us is in the hospital! Oops! Fate tempting--retract! Retract! My daughter, her fiance and their two little girls will be with us this year. "Groundhog Day" was first on my list of movies for all, then the standards "It's a Wonderful Life" and "The Sound of Music". But I had forgotten the "Glenn Miller Story", and "Toy Story." Great additions to the list! Another one that has, to my mind, something for everyone, is "Kung Fu Panda". I have always ignored everything that even smacks of cartoon, but this one is wonderful (one of my nieces told me "Aunt Gin, I KNOW you'll like it--I know you'll LOVE it!"). Sweet message, good story, and the most fantastic color graphics! On the "movie night" over Thanksgiving, everybody tosses the names of their five favorite "we can all watch'em" movies into a hat, and the ensuing discussion is often the best of the evening, with young vs. old defending their favorites and arguing their merits. Last year I watched my brother's three girls enraptured by their maternal Grandmother's favorite, "Breakfast at Tiffany's". Never expected that! Well, it seems that I have reached the "wee smalls" and am in the rambling mode of quiet time (treasured!). Just wanted to recognize the thoughtfulness of your list. Movies seem to be the thing that really, once the day's conversation has worn, tie us all together in a 'don't have to go anywhere' shared experience. And an aside--something we're trying this year is a grandmothers, mothers, daughters and granddaughters pajama party (boys' night out, girls' night in). We're calling it the "Moms, Missies, Margaritas and Movie Night". It will either be a fabulous success or a miserable failure. In either case, it will be fodder for conversation at the next holiday family event! Thanks for smart writing, and for writing smart. Always a pleasure to be at the other end of the words.

Comment on 12 Family Movies to Watch This Holiday Season With Someone Who Has Dementia

KatieBee — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:38:31 -0000

Comment on 12 Family Movies to Watch This Holiday Season With Someone Who Has Dementia

Anonymous — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:38:19 -0000

Thanks so much for this valuable list! A stress reliever. I'm going to order some of the movies from Netflix.

Comment on What Every Caregiver Knows: Love Is a Verb

Jemerin — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 05:34:21 -0000

Nice post, thanks for sharing this wonderful and usefull information with us. Green Tea

Comment on A Parent's Death Is Never Expected, Even When It Is

Deela — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 22:07:11 -0000

Paula, thank you for sharing. It's a reflection of many of my own feelings about what I've been through over the last three and a half months. My mother died five weeks ago, after a sudden change in her health. She'd been one to avoid seeing a doctor (refusing her children's requests for years) but I finally got her to a check up, at 79. The visible physical decline, the observable short-term memory loss concerns and then, after tests and scans, the leukemia (multiple myeloma) diagnosis. It was a relief to know and a stunning shift in outlook. Everything was moving and changing so fast; from the initial doctor visit to her death was nine weeks. She was 80 and I treasure being able to be there with her through those last few months. We opted for at home hospice care (since I'd been laid off and had moved in to help my Mom earlier this year) and it often seemed that I was watching myself go through all that needed to be done. I feel my mother's abscence but have great memories and photos to remind me of the loving, sacrificing and giving mother I had. I thank God for her and her example. Thanks Paula for putting to words what so many experience, I appreciate this site, it was a big help through my mother's care this year.

Comment on What Every Caregiver Knows: Love Is a Verb

Sopher's Mom — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 21:52:05 -0000

Actually, I think you should say it--if the person you're caring for likes or needs to hear it--even if you DON'T mean it in the moment. I am going through one of those bitter, resentful, fatiguing times that many caregivers need to endure periodically. Remembering to say "I love you" helps me remember a better time and a better self--and that I need to do things to make things better.

Comment on A Parent's Death Is Never Expected, Even When It Is

C_from_DC — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 15:21:32 -0000

I am so sorry for your losses. I know what you're talking about. I had 6 months to "prepare" for my mom's passing following her cancer diagnosis, knowing that there was nothing anyone could do, and yet a little part of me was always clinging to the hope that we'd reach at least a year or more. I ignored the signs of what was inevitable out of self preservation and the pain and fear of losing her. Today it's been 4 months since my mom passed. I miss her more than words can say. May our loved ones rest in peace.

Comment on What Every Caregiver Knows: Love Is a Verb

Paula Spencer — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 20:14:49 -0000

I like all this varied feedback, which goes to show that "everybody's different" -- To your question, Anonymous, my 2 brothers and 2 sisters all say it all the time. That's their style (and they probably *do* mean it, even at the end of a phone call); it's just not mine.

Comment on What Every Caregiver Knows: Love Is a Verb

imelda — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 19:05:07 -0000

Comment on What Every Caregiver Knows: Love Is a Verb

Joy Golliver — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 20:39:06 -0000

I say it often to my husband of 54 years who is in hospice, but I do mean it. However, having said that I would like to remind everyone that LOVE IS AN ACTION, and we all carry it out in many different ways.

Comment on 5 Ways to Cope With the Emotional Side of Incontinence

Anonymous — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 19:26:50 -0000

I tried asking my mother-in-law if she would like me to get her some adult briefs, since her incontinence is getting worse and her pads aren't enough anymore. Her sister, who was in the next room, overheard me, and said, "WHAT? BABY diapers?" That ended the conversation, right there. It is hard enough to get the person who needs to wear adult diapers to cooperate, without other family members butting in and making things harder.

Comment on What Every Caregiver Knows: Love Is a Verb

Anonymous — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 19:11:58 -0000

I completely disagree. I think it's important to say it - and mean it - often. Just because I say it at the end of every phone call doesn't mean that I mean it any less. I mean it every time. I also think older people who are in need of care need to hear you say it. You were very lucky that you got that chance. And out of curiosity - how often did your brother and sister in law say it to your dad? My guess is a lot more than you did (not that yours meant any less). I do agree that it shouldn't be said if it's not meant.

Comment on A Parent's Death Is Never Expected, Even When It Is

monap — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 18:57:40 -0000

Hugs to all who have lost their loved ones.

Comment on What Every Caregiver Knows: Love Is a Verb

liu_fengxi — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 18:42:16 -0000

Thank you so much for writing this post. My parents are very difficult people and my relationship with them has never been close; yet when my mother's Alzheimer's became worst, I realized it would be unethical to stand by and watch them struggle until they ended up hospitalized or worst. I moved in with them this year and began looking after them, and it has been both awful and rewarding. Some days I want to scream and tell my parents what horrible people they are; other days it's apparent they do appreciate what I do for them. I can't say "I love you" to them, not yet, anyway. But I am thankful that I have had this opportunity to heal our relationship and make it into something less bitter and angry. And I hope they understand my work is my way of saying I still care about them, no matter what our past was like.

Comment on What Every Caregiver Knows: Love Is a Verb

arlene59 — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 16:53:51 -0000

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! This is exactly how I feel; you said it so well. My family is a "loveyoubye" family and I cannot reciprocate so nonchalantly. I do not think they understand, I am so glad you do.

Comment on A Parent's Death Is Never Expected, Even When It Is

Jeffsafe — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 16:33:05 -0000

Im sorry Paula. I lost my mom to the same Cancer 3 1/2 years ago and my dad just passed away from his Alzheimer's at the end of September. I think I can relate but the passing of someone so close is never the same for anybody. I was close to my parents as I am sure you were too. I hope you find peace. God Bless

Comment on A Parent's Death Is Never Expected, Even When It Is

Paula Spencer — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 01:35:06 -0000

Thank you all very much for yr kindnesses--

Comment on A Parent's Death Is Never Expected, Even When It Is

Barbara mcvicker — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 18:10:59 -0000

You interviewed me last year, and I thoroughly enjoyed you. I am author of "Stuck in the Middle...shared stories and tips for caregiving your elderly parents". I work with large corporations to give essential information and emotional support to adult children caregivers. I often recommend you and caring.com. Bless you for all of your much needed work! BarbaraMcVicker.com

Comment on A Parent's Death Is Never Expected, Even When It Is

beatbreastcancer — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 18:08:23 -0000

My dad also died suddenly, exactly 1 month after his cancer diagnosis (lung, but it had spread to his liver and bones), and exactly 1 week after his 59th birthday. We hadn't even had time to begin to absorb his diagnosis and he was dead! It took me 2 or 3 years to come to terms with it, but I've never really "gotten used to it"; I don't think you ever can. Now my mom has Alzheimer's, along with arthritis, fibromyalgia, degenerative and twisted sprine, macular degeneration, hearing troubles, weight problems. She worked so hard all her life, raising 6 kids far from her home and family (she was from Joliet, IL., and we were born and raised in Bellevue, KY.); she couldn't stand the heat (anything over 65 was too hot for her) yet we didn't have air conditioning until I was in my 20s, and I'm the youngest at 48. She never had strength or endurance, but has always had a deep well of determination, especially when it came to caring for her family. Now we care for her. We just celebrated her 83rd birthday yesterday (Nov. 9), and when she was out of the room, my oldest brother said "This is probably the last birthday she'll remember." I hoped her last years would be happy and comfortable ones, and she's suffering more pain and misery now than she ever did; sometimes I find myself thinking that I almost wish her suffering would end forever, but I can't imagine what life without Mom would be like for us. I'm crying as I write this, so I'm BEGGING everyone who reads this: make the time to spend time with your loved ones, especially your parents. You never know when you won't be able to do all the things you're planning to do "someday", and you'll regret it forever; I already do. God bless all of us who are dealing with our losses, and help us to bear the slow encroachment of a death we know is coming and can't prevent.

Comment on A Parent's Death Is Never Expected, Even When It Is

Kirtsch — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 17:26:17 -0000

I believe with all my heart that your parents are together again, strong, vibrant and loving you as much as they did before their departure. What a blessing it was for them to have such kind, passionately involved children. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. May you find peace and comfort and an assurance that they are not far away, that they remain deeply interested in you and will watch over you. God bless you for the work you do for this website and the many, many who stuggle with Alzheimers. CC

Comment on SelfCare: 7 Things To Do When You're Stressed to Wit's End

suri — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 00:48:22 -0000

you're always so helpful!!!

Comment on SelfCare: 7 Things To Do When You're Stressed to Wit's End

Wild Mary — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:36:03 -0000

Thanks for the suggestions. I do the breathing, but even though I like tea, I had never thought of using that. I had an amazing stress reliever yesterday, something I would never have come up with. I went to a class for work. My bother was with my mom, but I ususally still worry. Well, for hours, I concentrated on what I needed to learn and realized that I hadn't had a stomach ache all day! It was work, but I was totally distracted and it made a huge difference in my day, and in how I slept last night, and how I feel today. Who'd a thunk it? :-)

Comment on SelfCare: 7 Things To Do When You're Stressed to Wit's End

cool — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 16:54:46 -0000

Thank you while I sit hear and crey I will go have that cup of tea, and chocolate to

Comment on SelfCare: 7 Things To Do When You're Stressed to Wit's End

RightatHome — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 15:05:05 -0000

Great article Paula, Thanks for putting up these stress-relieving strategies. The cup of tea is definitely one that I indulge in on a regular basis. I do think that you left one off the list. If you want to buy yourself time to regain a little sanity. I would recommend actually buying a little time. Maybe take a week or two off of caregiving and hire an accredited caregiver for a week or two and just take a vacation from caregiving. Maybe that is a trip or just a long tea break, but stepping away often makes decisions more clear. For more information on in-home caregivers, check out this blog: www.rightathome.net/seniorhomecare. Best Wishes, Bill

Comment on Is It Ever Okay to Laugh About Alzheimer's?

sdprocter — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 02:11:32 -0000

I took care of my Dad who had been diagnosed with AD. And, although I was in front and center in my career, I knew it was payback time. Right before my dad moved in with me, a dear friend had been going through many troubled times with her husband who also had alzheimers. She shared with me a story that certainly made a huge difference in my abilities to care for my father. She and her husband lived in Northridge. When the huge earthquake hit Northride, their home was hit hard. It hit around 4:00 am. She and her husband awoke to watching their entire bedroom collapse around them as they sat straight in bed holding onto each other. After several moments of watching their precious mementos, lamps, clocks, clothes, chests, tables, chairs, and drawers, falling all around them, my friend looked at her husband. He had a very quizzical look on his face. She wasn't sure how she was going to explain this to him. She found she wouldn't need to. He looked at her after all the noise and commotion, and said, "Now look what you have done!" At that very moment, she knew it was time to laugh. She began laughing, and he began laughing too. She said it brought much comfort in the knowledge, that yes indeed, you must be able to laugh! She vowed, she would always find that time to enjoy laughter with her husband.

Comment on Is It Ever Okay to Laugh About Alzheimer's?

loveforu — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 21:47:37 -0000

i'm still laughing about hillary and maybe tomorrow

Comment on Is It Ever Okay to Laugh About Alzheimer's?

Anonymous — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 18:53:45 -0000

I don't remember!

Comment on SelfCare: 7 Things To Do When You're Stressed to Wit's End

DeborahS — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 13:56:23 -0000

Thank you for this important and helpful article. It's a shame that we all have to be reminded (and remind ourselves) that it's not only OK, but necessary, to take care of ourselves and to sometimes put ourselves first. No one thing works for everyone, but you offer a wonderful menu of choices. At www.activeseniorsintransition.com we have found that people in the "sandwich generation" who consider their own needs, have more to give to their children and aging parents.

Comment on Is It Ever Okay to Laugh About Alzheimer's?

kathyNC — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 14:04:26 -0000

I forgot to say that my blog, www.KnowItAlz.com shows the lighter (and sometimes downright FUNNY) side of my caring for my Dad who has Alzheimer's and lives with me in NC. If you need a laugh, there are 700 funny stories from the past few years. Thanks for all the HUGS and PRAYERS. I need them! Kathy

Comment on Is It Ever Okay to Laugh About Alzheimer's?

Paula Spencer — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 13:46:40 -0000

Thank you all for sharing what feel like affirmations to me...Ginnysheen, I could almost picture being in your home, with all those wonderful details. And I also really like the idea of laura l's client's pesky friend "Mr. Alzheimer's"...!

Comment on Is It Ever Okay to Laugh About Alzheimer's?

Paula Spencer — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 13:45:51 -0000

Comment on Alzheimer's Phone Problems: Little Object, Big Headaches

Joy Golliver — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 20:51:23 -0000

Have a phone where people can call and you can use a speaker phone. It helps and allows people to enjoy hearing peoples voices. Also the special phones with no numbers are greatk like Jitterbug. All they have to do is push one button, ask a live person for a name, and that operator calls it from a list you have given. If they can still answer a phone, when the phone rings, they just open it and talk.

Comment on Is It Ever Okay to Laugh About Alzheimer's?

rogerlunde — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 20:49:09 -0000

I try to get my wife to laugh every day. I don't always succeed but when I do I know she is not sad and disoriented. I worked with a person years ago who believed that if you could make someone laugh you could make someone think. Perhaps I can't make my wife think, but it pleases me when she is happy. Several months ago, my wife asked me, "Where is Roger?" (that's me) I said, "I'm Roger." She replied, "No you're not. He's much older than you." Intellectually I knew there was humor in that exchange. Emotionally, all I saw was the disease. I have told friends the story. They all laughed of course. And I now can laugh at it too. But it took repeatedly telling the story to overcome my emotion so I could see it intellectually.

Comment on Is It Ever Okay to Laugh About Alzheimer's?

Joy Golliver — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 20:44:41 -0000

Even off color humor can be funny. We were watching Animal Planet on TV and they were teaching a dog not to hump peoples legs. Before I could change channels, one man in the home said, "That is one horny dog!" Now you have to laugh at that! Another resident where my husband is living now is "working" on a new business idea called House of Joy, for men. She keeps recruting the dining staff. She is serious, but later out of her earing, we all get a kick out of it.

Comment on Beware an Unexpected Source of Caregiver Stress

Eldercoach — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 16:38:51 -0000

I love the way this thread has developed. All the regrets seem to come from being task focused. All the solutions come from being in the moment and asking what matters right now. I love Joy's comment "I choose to give my husband my best every day..." If we can just put a little space between what we think needs to get done and doing it, a little space between what springs to our lips and what we actually say...how might things be better? And when we don't put in that space because we are tired or stressed that we forgive ourselves and move forward. Janice Wallace, The Eldercare Coach www.caringforcaregivers.com

Comment on Caregiving Stress Buster: Your Top 10 Pet Peeves

not myself — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 16:26:06 -0000

Anonymous with hearing impaired issue: THAT IS ONE OF THE WORST! Both my parents live with my husband and me, and we have to practically yell all the time. And of course, the television is on super-volume. My particular favorite is the afternoon opera session--sure hope the neighbors enjoy it. Both my husband and I have started to realize that we keep doing the "loud thing" even after we leave the house. We were in a restaurant the other night, and a guy came over from THREE tables away and said, "Please don't think I was eavesdropping, but I happened to overhear you mention . . ." We're still laughing about that one. Just grateful we weren't saying anything nasty at the time!

Comment on Beware an Unexpected Source of Caregiver Stress

not myself — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 15:59:42 -0000

This one really struck home! I tended, for a long time, to do my "chores" and then spend most of my time in another part of the house, leaving my parents alone with each other (as they have been married 60 years, they really don't want that much "alone time.") Recently, I've started to sit down in the kitchen before dinner prep with a glass of wine. When either of them passes through, I offer them a drink (coffee, wine, whatever) and ask them to sit and join me. Not for nothing do they call it "attitude adjustment hour." It has changed the way I feel about all of this enormously. I'm more than a caregiver--I'm a daughter. They are my parents. This is time I will never regain if I don't take it now. Phew! Saved by premature regret!

Comment on Is It Ever Okay to Laugh About Alzheimer's?

not myself — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 15:21:49 -0000

Just saw all my typos. Sorry! Promise not to repost, lmao!

Comment on Is It Ever Okay to Laugh About Alzheimer's?

beatbreastcancer — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 15:17:55 -0000

My mom has Alzheimer's, and sometimes the only way my brothers, sister and I can deal with it is to laugh about it. She lives on her own in an apartment with all of us taking turns on coming in twice a day, but it falls the hardest on my oldest brother. He takes care of all the doctor's appointments, gets the scripts, organizes them and makes a list with times and doses so the rest of us give her the right things at the right times, etc. The rest of us take over different aspects of her care, but he's her executor and his name is also on her checks. He's always been the most responsible one (he's the oldest of us six), and he's under such stress that he's been damaging his teeth, grinding them so hard some have cracked. Sometimes, I think the only relief he's got from watching Mom slowly disappear and be replaced with a sometimes mean, hurtful stranger is to talk with others of us on the phone and laugh (painfully, but laugh) about the things that happen. Laughter IS the best medicine; sometimes it's either laugh or cry, and if you cry all the time you can't see what you need to do! We NEED to laugh, not at the person, but at the situation, or we will go mad. Don't worry about what others outside think; do what keeps you sane. If your loved ones could be themselves again, they'd probably laugh about a lot of the stuff too. God bless us all.

Comment on Is It Ever Okay to Laugh About Alzheimer's?

not myself — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 15:15:48 -0000

This will probably be too long a post, but it's a subject dear to my heart--can't help it. My father is 90, sharp as a tack, but with cardiac problems, and mother 80 with AD, and not a physical problem to speak of--ironic, no? I have eight siblings, half nearby, and half 500 miles away, so lots of phone and email reporting makes laughing over the situation here routine. My family has always been close, regardless of the occasional and inevitable sibling rivalry, but the family sense of humor has always been outrageous, and others often find it appalling when we are howl over something--especially things others don't even discuss. Without laughing at the crazy things, Id be crazier than I am now! My mother, particularly on her better days, still cracks up with the rest of us, even when the joke invloves one of her "adventures". She loves to walk, and the first time she lost her way, she sat down on a corner and teased about her "hitchhiking" ever since, and she looks up at that, shrugs, and tells us that "he was a very nice man." And it was starting to rain!" One day she put the kettle on to boil for tea, and couldn't figure out why it wouldn't. "Um . . . probably because you put it on the knob instead of the burner?" She said, realizing her error, "I did it intentionally to see if it would boil from there. Guess not." Then she cracked up and said. "[Expletive deleted], at least now I can blame all this on the Alzheimer's." My parents both live with me, so this is constant. There's always something silly to laugh about. I ask "Do you remember being queen of the prom?" She says "Really? Was I?" I say "no--see? Your memory is not that bad at all!" She was always a lady as we were growing up, and quite offended when any of us swore or were "vulgar". No more. Now her favorite chore is to load the dishwasher. The five minute job takes her an hour or two, and she swears away the entire time.We laugh when we try to find something in the kitchen, and they are, well . . . just not there. My husband will tell her "treasure hunt time, Mom" and she laughs with him when they find serving bowls in her bedroom closet. She likes to put away her and my father's laundry, but only recognizes her underwear as her own. She doesn't recognize her clothing, brings it to me and says "this must be yours." I say thanks, and that I really like wearing things two sizes too large." We all howl at how often she thanks us for buying new clothes for her. When she has a second glass of wine as we cringe and pray that the rugs will give up the stains, we tell her she should be drinking white, not red! Every time I forget something myself in a standard semi-senior moment, she looks at me, laughs, and tells me that this is divine retribution, and her chance to get even. At a family gathering when sibs were visiting, she, who always said "urination" and "bowel movement" walked into the room and asked if someone would give her a hand because "I have just PISSED all over my pants." We all laughed and yelled "hell no!" She stared us down, and said "I raised you all; that's gratitude for you!" Of course she got the assistance, but it was one of those things where we all laughed together. I took her to change her clothes, and she got weepy. To console her, I said that it even happens to me, so she should just forget about. She said "well, no problem with that, is there?" Then she asked if it really happened to me, and I told her "hell, no! I was just trying to make you feel better." Then we sat there on the bed and laughed til we both cried--the good kind of crying. Sometimes it's funny, often it's not. My father is pushing sainthood for his good humor and patience, but even he will get really silly with her. He'll tell her he always assumed he'd go first, and now wishes he had, look up to the ceiling, roll his eyes, and holler "Take me now!" She fires back "No such luck." I get a good deal of relief from nearby sibs, and even the out-of-towners come often to stay for a few days and "run the show." When she asks why one of her kids hasn't called in weeks (and they really haven't) we just tell her she spoke with them the night before. Every meal is one she's never had before. What is this? The weekly meatloaf or spaghetti. "Fabulous--you should make this again sometime." We discuss the whole thing with her often (no choice--she won't remember the prior conversations), and have explained to her how AD affects the brain at least a thousand times. EVERY time, she says, straightfaced, "thank heavens it doesn't affect my mind." Then she looks over her shoulder and says "It's Alzheimer's you dope! I thought you knew about this kind of thing". And smirks. Her bad times can be very bad--almost intolerable--but knowing that ANYTHING can be funny when we need it to be. It makes a day so much better. My father loves to tell about her confusing her underwear and trying to pull a bra over her legs, at which time she asked in annoyance, doesn't anyone know how to make underear any more? My sweet, loving, helpful sister-in-law's mother, who also had AD, died recently--not funny at all. While we were in their home after the wake, my mother stage-whispered to me "She's better off--she had Alzheimer's, you know." It got very quiet for a moment, and then we ALL broke up. We have a sense of when things will be upsetting to her, and then we laugh among ourselves out of her earshot; pretty easy, as she's also hard of hearing. But . . . Ya gotta laugh! There will be lots of time to cry later, when she's gone and this is all retrospective. But twenty bucks says we'll be laughing again in minutes, and she wouldn't have wanted it to be any other way.

Comment on Is It Ever Okay to Laugh About Alzheimer's?

laura liddell — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 14:23:20 -0000

As co-leader of an Alzheimer's support group, I met a bright spirited woman who would report on the latest glitches caused by her pestiferous friend "Mr. Alzheimer" --I think this gave her some feeling of control over her situation.

Comment on Is It Ever Okay to Laugh About Alzheimer's?

kathyNC — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 13:05:19 -0000

Comment on Is It Ever Okay to Laugh About Alzheimer's?

Kristarr — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 12:09:49 -0000

Thank you for permission to laugh! I always make jokes in stressful situations, and with Mom's dementia, I am often thought disrespectful or morose. My Dad has the patience of a saint, God Bless him, and he and I share giggles and guffaws over some of Mom's behaviors, accusations and distorted memories. He has been accused of not loving her or making fun of her, but that is far from the truth. It is very hard to lose a loved one when they are standing right in front of you. Laughter helps to ease some of the pain of that loss. Thank you again for permission to laugh.

Comment on Beware an Unexpected Source of Caregiver Stress

imelda — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 04:54:57 -0000

I love the comment "...regrets are forever. I am currently in my living space i.e. my bedroom while my Mom is in the living room watching T.V. I can't stand the TV being so loud so I disappear. Ya know after reading this, the reason I'm here is caring for my Mom and that means more then cooking and cleaning. Thank you so much for the reminder, I think I will go and watch TV with my Mom. I think lonliness is the worst illness and so easy to cure. Thanks again. Imelda

Comment on Beware an Unexpected Source of Caregiver Stress

Carol O'Dell — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 00:26:55 -0000

Thx for the feedback...helpful to hear that everybody has some kind of regret or another...

Comment on Beware an Unexpected Source of Caregiver Stress

PT Cruzr — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 16:05:55 -0000

I recently quit a very part time job as I realized that it was making me short tempered with mom because that was the time she most needed me to be around. I don't regret it. Sure I won't have that extra money for a few years but I only have mom for a few more years. That living in the moment is good advice and try to stress less and smile more...No matter how much time you have with your loved one, regret is forever. This website is a godsend. It helps you to keep things in perspective. Thanks Caring.com

Comment on Caregiving Stress Buster: Your Top 10 Pet Peeves

Anonymous — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 01:26:40 -0000

Including other family members in the decision making is waht stress's me the most. I have POA, but try to get the opinons of everyone involved in caring for our Mother. Its not always easy and never pleasant! For instance --- I may have to move our Mother from the facility she's in now, to an Alzheimer's Lock-down facility. Some think its a great place. Some want to take Mother home with them (even though they're not capable of taking care of themselves), and some want to move her to a different facility! I get hate mail and siblings hanging up on me! There is no happiness. I just want to do what I feel is best for our Mom. It shouldn't be so hard!

Comment on Beware an Unexpected Source of Caregiver Stress

Eldercoach — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 18:03:27 -0000

Regrets, Paula you certainly picked some big ones for your post. Another one for me is being distracted. Caregiving brings so many tasks, I think we can forget to slow down and appreciate the person we are caring for. While recently helping an elderly friend I found myself making a conscious choice to slow down. I could have been all caught up in rushing around and trying to get her to move faster but that would have just caused more stress. Being in the moment with her and moving a more of her pace made our time together better. Janice Wallace, The Eldercare Coach www.caringforcaregivers.com

Comment on Beware an Unexpected Source of Caregiver Stress

Joy Golliver — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 14:44:22 -0000

Great article. My husband is in skilled nursing/hospice, and I see so many other families arguing over little things that don't make any difference. Saying harsh things out of stress. I know that after the fact, they will feel guilt because they did not show all the love they could have. I even have patients say to me, how can you keep smiling so much? My answer, we all have choices and I choose to give my husband my best every day. In other words, I am trying to live my life as it is happening right now, so I don't have any regrets later. It is a choice and not always easy.

Comment on Forgetting Faces: What It's Like to No Longer Be Recognized by Your Dad

Anonymous — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 21:06:45 -0000

I never ever thought my mother could fail to recognize me, her beloved elder daughter, so when it first happened I was incredulous. That was years ago. I've totally adjusted. I don 't usually bother telling her who I am because she'll forget it a moment later. And there have been times when she just didn't believe me, anyway, and said she didn't have a daughter. Anyway, she doesn't seem to care who I am as long as I'm smiling at her. And now I'm totally fine with that. You can get used to anything, it seems. Now if my father, who's starting to have dementia, stops recognizing me, I don't know how I'll feel...

Comment on Beware an Unexpected Source of Caregiver Stress

RightatHome — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 13:55:15 -0000

Great post Paula, What can I say? You are right on, we are often so serious about health that we forget about quality of life for the person we are caring for and for ourselves. I really liked the part that you wrote about small indulgences. I think that you have to let loved ones enjoy themselves and de-stress yourself. Every caregiver should take some time off and recharge by doing things that they love. Especially with the amount of quality in-home care services out there today. Great article, Bill My Blog: www.rightathome.net/seniorhomecare

Comment on Alzheimer's Phone Problems: Little Object, Big Headaches

SheBuddy — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 06:59:17 -0000

My 80 yr old mother has a problem with the modern cordless phones. She doesn't know how to turn the phone on or off. I found an old type of phone with the cord.One that works when you take it off the cradle and turns off when put it back in the cradle. Remember those? LOL It also comes with a couple of cordless that can be put in my bedroom and office. She's not afraid to answer the phone any more, thank gawd. Cause I like checking on her when I have to be gone.

Comment on Forgetting Faces: What It's Like to No Longer Be Recognized by Your Dad

skampz2 — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 03:51:46 -0000

Comment on Forgetting Faces: What It's Like to No Longer Be Recognized by Your Dad

skampz2 — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 03:51:17 -0000

The first time my mother didn't recognize me, I told her she was my mother and that I was her daughter. The puzzled look in her face made me realized she caught her moment of confusion. We embraced and both cried. Now we I visit, I just announce, Hi mom, it's Kathy. On days that she is more confused...i just let it pass. It alleviates additional stress and confusion for her.

Comment on Caregiving Stress Buster: Your Top 10 Pet Peeves

Anonymous — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 20:20:27 -0000

My mother is 89 years old. She has lived with me in some fashion (my apartment when I was single) with my husband and me for the past 9 years.) I have taken care of her through a broken shoulder, two broken hips (separate times) and two broken wrists (broken at the same time). She has osteoporsis. She was diagnosed with breast cancer at 85 (came through like a trooper); developed congestive heart failure at 86 (she started to slow down a little, but was still able to get around) and she had a stroke this past spring. This stroke has left my mom pretty much wheelchair bound (she can walk small distances) and she has developed dementia. My living room is now her bedroom with a wheelchair, walker, potty chair and bed taking up residence. This is the hardest thing I have ever done and I know I am suffering from burnout and am distressed. I have never really had a life of my own without worrying in some fashion about my mom and now I pretty much have no life. My husband tries to get me out for a few hours on the weekends we have an aide but sometimes it is just too much work to try to figure out how to have "fun" in hours... I am just worn out I guess... Thanks for listening.

Comment on 10 Signs of Caring Too Much

RightatHome — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 16:10:15 -0000

With the huge influx of aging Americans, caregiver burnout is a real problem. I would recommend taking some time off caregiving. Maybe hire an in-home care assistant for the short term to help. I work on a blog that discusses this topic and and more on aging. Check out www.rightathome.net/seniorhomecare if you are interested. Keep up the great posts, Bill

Comment on Caregiving Stress Buster: Your Top 10 Pet Peeves

Anonymous — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 20:03:13 -0000

My pet peeves: >Having to go through endless voicemail hell and long holds to talk to my parents' doctor's advice nurse--and I never ever get to talk to the doctor. >Having Dad call me all the time, even at 1 a.m., for no special reason, and sometimes leaving voicemail messages marked "urgent." >My parents' horrendously overheated house. >Two completely deaf parents! Even a hearing-enhanced phone doesn't help. >Dealing with establishing power of attorney agency by agency, bank by bank, etc.--what a bureaucratic nightmare. Worst of the worst: Medicare. No, the V.A. >Trying to figure out how to help a person read a book if he can't even sit up in bed, can't manage the weight of a book or book-holding device on his chest or stomach, can't see the print if the book's too far away...

Comment on Caregiving Stress Buster: Your Top 10 Pet Peeves

Sister — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 19:53:56 -0000

Comment on Caregiving Stress Buster: Your Top 10 Pet Peeves

sop832 — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 16:56:32 -0000

Magster, Just thank goodness we don't live together! Can you imagine the concert we would be subject to everyday! I would punch my eardrums out!

Comment on Caregiving Stress Buster: Your Top 10 Pet Peeves

sop832 — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 16:52:17 -0000

Comment on Caregiving Stress Buster: Your Top 10 Pet Peeves

Magster — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 16:13:26 -0000

I guess I never realized how selfish my mom is and always has been though it's gotten worse. My mom lives with me and all I ask from her is $400 per month to help pay for her care. I pay for everything except her expensive creams and oils that I couldn't afford but she gets to have. That's okay but don't make me beg each month for that money. Lately it seems she's decided I am stealing from her and though I should have seen this coming as she has claimed my sister and 2 of my nieces have stolen from her, it hurts deeply. Though this sounds silly, my biggest pet peeve? She whistles and sings constantly and there's no tune. It makes me nuts...I have asked her to, "stop whistlin or get a tune". As soon as the words come out I feel so bad...I try to remember how fortunate I am to have her with me. I try!

Comment on Caregiving Stress Buster: Your Top 10 Pet Peeves

Pr0sperity — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 14:54:42 -0000

It frustrates me that my mother doesn't want to be clean. I can only get her to take a shower once a week and that is always a hassle because she doesn't want one. She also doesn't want me to wash her clothes. She would wear the same thing forever if I didn't take them and wash them. My mother is 89 and lives with me for almost 5 years, now. She has some dementia and COPD.

Comment on Caregiving Stress Buster: Your Top 10 Pet Peeves

sop832 — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 14:09:34 -0000

My mom is 95, no memory loss or dementia,just frail and needs help with ADLs. She has an extremely annoying habit of what I call "moaning and groaning" little noises and wheezes that sound like she's in pain or short of breath. She's not even aware of doing it, if I ask what's wrong, she says "Nothing" It annoys me so much, I have to clench my hands and teeth to keep from screaming at her "Stop making those stupid noises!!"

Comment on Caregiving Stress Buster: Your Top 10 Pet Peeves

XXa — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 22:51:50 -0000

I find it poignant that you can comment about your mother sharing, laughing, crying...My mother's affect is so flat that one of the first things I noticed when I came to care for her in June (four months ago) was that now she no longer smiles or laughs, does not care about conversations going on around her (at least she never participates in conversations)and seems to care more about taking her many medications four times a day than eating anything I have prepared. If it weren't for my father here to help, she would have stopped eating entirely two months ago.

Comment on Caregiving Stress Buster: Your Top 10 Pet Peeves

Paula Spencer — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 15:29:04 -0000

SoonerJohn: Your 1st peeve brings up a great & complicated topic, and as for your 2nd -- no, not selfish! See a later post I just wrote on that topic. Everybody deserves solo time. But yes, finding it is the pickle. She sounds lucky to have you.

Comment on Caregiving Stress Buster: Your Top 10 Pet Peeves

CA-Claire — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 14:53:58 -0000

Great listing of pet peeves. One that is not listed is the lack of appreciation for the huge amount of work being a caregiver is, even when the person being cared for does not live with the caregiver.

Comment on Caregiving Stress Buster: Your Top 10 Pet Peeves

SoonerJohn — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 14:45:58 -0000

You are right in that every caregiver's role is somewhat different. I am the caregiver for my wife. I have two peeves, at the moment :-), one is that my wife has not yet acknowledged that I am her caregiver, and 2nd is that I have very little time for myself. The latter sounds selfish but it is true. Actually I am fortunate in that her mind is still there. She just cannot walk or get completely dressed by herself. We are very lucky that I am retired and have the time for her. Things could be a great deal worse and I know it.

Comment on Caregiving Stress Buster: Your Top 10 Pet Peeves

CHICA60 — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 13:30:24 -0000

My mom's squeaky wheelchair, how do you oil sealed bearings?

Comment on Alzheimer's Phone Problems: Little Object, Big Headaches

Paula Spencer — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 22:23:09 -0000

Thanks Kathy -- your lighter-side insights are one reason you've been in our Caring Currents blogroll for a long time now!

Comment on Alzheimer's Phone Problems: Little Object, Big Headaches

kathyNC — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 15:43:44 -0000

My name is Kathy and I am the full time caregiver for my eighty one year-old Dad who has Alzheimer's and lives with me in North Carolina. When my Mom died in 2004 and Dad moved in with me, I had no idea what to do. But day by day, I found ways to cope, and even enjoy having my Dad with me. So I started writing a blog at www.KnowItAlz.com, which shows the "lighter" side of caring for someone with dementia. After a while, I added over 100 pages of helpful information and tips for caregivers. We even have a Chat room so caregivers can communicate with each other from home. Art and music are a very large part of my Dad's therapy. Please pass this link along to anyone you feel would enjoy it. Thanks! Kathy Hatfield

Comment on Alzheimer's Phone Problems: Little Object, Big Headaches

annmartin — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 13:35:53 -0000

My 83-year-old mother with dementia lives with me, and I have recently had to have directory assistance blocked on my phone (which unfortunately also required blocking the ability to make long distance calls). My mother would call directory assistance over and over to get my work number, which is posted right by the phone. Finally one month I received my phone bill and had over $30 of charges to directory assistance. I hated to have to change my phone service, but just couldn't afford to take the chance that she would continue.

Comment on Caregiving Stress Buster: Your Top 10 Pet Peeves

Anonymous — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 01:42:15 -0000

I am so grateful that Mom took the time to make decisions in advance, and took care of her advance directive, power of attorney, and all that. What really annoys me is when the bank, insurance, government agencies etc that I have to deal with, all have different rules and procedures that make taking care of financial details more difficult. Mom's bank won't accept the POA she did in advance; they want it on thier own form. She stopped being able to talk,walk, etc over 2 yrs ago, but I still can't close out her credit card account. I walked into the local social security office, and with just my ID and say-so, they made me her rep-payee. But I still can't get a copy of her original card - that she has to sign for herself. I can't switch her medicare advantage plan when we moved her to a new long-term care facility - but the rep at the facilty can do this, at my request, no questions asked. This part of caregiving really could be streamlined if all these agencies and businesses followed the same rules.

Comment on Caregiving Stress Buster: Your Top 10 Pet Peeves

Anonymous — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 19:45:52 -0000

I smiled when I read these. I call my Mother (girlfriend) because when I call her Mother, she says I have no children. I used to mind but not any more. I think I have come a long way since the start of Mothers adventure. Some days still get to me though. She has mellowed the last few years as her dementia progresses. We are sharing, laughing, crying and all that comes with this stage. Only thing that gets me now is lack of sleep!

Comment on Is It Okay to "Spy" on a Relative With Suspected Dementia?

Tootsie60 — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 18:22:32 -0000

It has been our experience that often the elder loved one seems to rally in the presence of children. (Like they are almost on good behavior, being careful not to slip up) This often makes the dementia hard to recognize. My father covered up Mom's dementia for years. A trained Hospice nurse noticed and finally alerted me of Mom's condition. My heart goes out to anyone having to cope with a parent lost to dementia; but recognizing the symptoms is the first step. Caring.com has given me so many ideas and much needed support in dealing with my 82 year old mother. Thank you.

Comment on Is It Okay to "Spy" on a Relative With Suspected Dementia?

Jane F — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 14:33:36 -0000

Sadly this article hit home with our family. I am the "terrible daughter in law" because I tried to insist my mother in law be helped because of things I was told by her neighbors and friends. My husband agrees that something should be done for her best interests...but the siblings are all in denial of course. How DARE anyone say the word dementia?! Even though there are serious tell tale signs present, she is left alone to fend for herself. The family is in such conflict that my husband and I have not communicated with the siblings for over 2 and a half years. Since the one sibling is the durable power of attorney, we just bowed out gracefully, and we hope he will step in to do the right thing...so far, he has not. So sad to see that she was ruining herself financially, and is suffering so with paranoia, delusions, and olfactory hallucinations, but we have no control. I tried speaking to alzheimers assn, her doctor, the drivers license bureau (she still drives), all to no avail. I am waiting for the "crisis" to happen to jerk these guys out of their denial, but I hope it does not cause her or someone else harm or worse. Especially since she is diabetic, and has fallen on several occaisions.

Comment on Baby Love: Therapy for Alzheimer's Sufferers

stress — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 15:10:11 -0000

It's wonderful that it is ackinowledged dolls help women but since I care for my spouse, what is recommended or works for men for the same purposes? Will appreciate any ideas or known things that have worked for the men. Thanks

Comment on Sex and Alzheimer's: Love Stories, Sad Stories, and Lots of Questions

Paula Spencer — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 18:36:21 -0000

WellSpouse thanks for adding your perspective -- coincidentally I just mentioned your organization in a newer post about why spousal caregivers often miss out on resources for help.

Comment on Reconciling With Siblings After a Fight Over Caregiving for a Parent

Anonymous — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 04:30:22 -0000

There are seven of us --- our Mom has dementia and is getting really bad. Our Dad died almost two years ago. Things have gotten really ugly and we're all trying to stay away from each other. I have Power of Attorney as far as Mom is concerned. We sent it up years ago ---- when she couldn't remember the woman our Dad left her for! Never thought I'd see that day! I've had siblings tell me that Power Of Attorney Sucks! They don't think its right or fair. Having that responsiblity isn't all that fun --- but I can see the need for it. There is rarely one of us that agree on anything pertaining to our Mom's care. I try to be fair --- discussing most everything with all of them. There has never been a time that all seven of us have agreed on one thing! There have been times I think Mom should be on some kind of anti-depressant or anti-psychotic meds --- half go along with that and the other half just have a fit! I've always tried to include them in deciding where our Mom should live. Two -- who work full time, wanted to take her home with them. I'd had her home with me several times, and I felt she wasn't safe with any of us after a while. So we had to put her in a rest home (Medicaid Rules) for 3 months to begin with. She was able to go to a Level One Assisted Living but not for long. She's been in a Level Two now for a good 10 months -- but things are not looking all that great there. She may have to move to a lock-down Alzheimer's Unit here soon. She's fallen several times in just the last month and something has changed in her brain. She's lucky she has never broken any bones when she's fallen. But --- I guess what I really need to get out is that no matter what I do or what I decide, I'm the bad person. My Mom gave me the Power and I feel she expects me to do the best I can with it ---which would include her saftey and care. At some point, no matter what any of the others think --- I have to make what I think is the best decision for our Mom. It makes some furious --- and I've been called alot of things because of it. But --- in the end --- after what happened with our Dad --- and now all this thats going on with our Mom --- I doubt there will be many who will ever speak to the others again. I'm not so sure thats a bad thing.

Comment on Sex and Alzheimer's: Love Stories, Sad Stories, and Lots of Questions

Wellspouse — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 01:43:37 -0000

A very perceptive entry. I am the President of the Well Spouse Association, http://wellspouse.org, a non-profit group offering peer support to husbands, wives or partners of persons with chronic illness and/or disability. We have members whose spouses have Alzheimer's or other illnesses involving dementia. That apart, very often in the case of any chronic illness/disability, intimacy gets disrupted, due to fatigue and other symptoms that make it less interesting or possible for the ill spouse, and less appealing or attractive for the well spouse. The situation described by pollytnjc certainly can occur. Usually it's the family who takes exception to the "abuse" of a new spouse/caregiver. The WSA concentrates on helping the well spouse regain balance in his/her life in order to help them look after their ill spouse. This principle applies no matter what the situation. So in the case of dementia and Alzheimer's, I would say we would encourage the well spouse so that the emotional well-being of both partners is paramount.

Comment on Baby Love: Therapy for Alzheimer's Sufferers

dancingbird — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 22:15:12 -0000

Thanks Paula for your comment. I will plan to get my mother a baby doll for christmas this yr. As you said, now she will love it as a cute gift, later this gift may comfort her.

Comment on Baby Love: Therapy for Alzheimer's Sufferers

LeslieAB1 — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 17:08:20 -0000

My grandmother passed away at 101 years of age and in her final year she was given a life size doll which she absolutely loved. This is such a comfort. Any suggestions for me?

Comment on Caring for a Spouse? 5 Reasons Stressed Spousal Caregivers Miss Out on Help

RightatHome — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 15:34:59 -0000

Great Article Paula, That was very insightful, I especially liked the part about how spouses might not even think that what they are doing is caregiving. They might not see the role that way. We all know that caregivers need time apart from the care recipient. I would add the the resources that you listed, at least one nation-wide, trusted caregiving organization. Maybe one like Right at Home. Check out our blog for more info on caregivers at http://www.rightathome.net/seniorhomecare. Keep up the great articles Paula, Bill

Comment on Reconciling With Siblings After a Fight Over Caregiving for a Parent

Jane F — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 15:23:11 -0000

My husband has no contact with any of his 3 brothers, and has not for almost 3 years now. It stems from disagreements regarding the care of their mother who was diagnosed with dementia about 5 years ago. The brother that has the durable power of atty for everything thinks she is "just fine", so she has been left to her own devices all these years. She is 83, has fallen, which required a surgery to repair injuries, had a quad by pass 3 yrs ago, 2 knee replacements, and is a diabetic. She also is "scammed" frequently by "doctors" in magazines that sell her cancer cures, and every herb possible, which is not supposed to be mixed with high blood pressure meds. She has gotten so far into debt from home shopping and credit cards that her paid off house has been refinanced about 3 times. The last I knew her debt was up to $20,000. She is on fixed income of course, lives alone. She has hit a parked car in a lot, ripped off part of it, dragged it behind her...but was not even aware until police were waiting outside the store for her! She also has forgotten to pay bills, and now does not have the ability to write check numbers in her bank book, let alone balance it. She calls the police, or writes them letter because she has delusions about homeless people sleeping in her car. She is still driving even though my husband thinks she should be made to go take a test at the DMV for safety reasons...the dpoa refuses to address it. Guess he will wait until she hurts or kills herself or someone else before he takes the keys away. She has no caregiver at all, and this sibling is well over an hour away. The others live over 400 miles away, and one clear on the West coast (we are midwest). We feel there should be a discussion and steps should be taken to get her help to come in the home part time, her finances need to be taken over by the dpoa, and definitely the car keys taken is my guess. So, the siblings are mad because they just want her left alone, and we do not agree. They think we just want her tossed right into a nursing home, and that is not true. Eventually that may be the step, but not yet. It is a real shame that the family is split because a few want to stick their head in the sand and ignore the problems she is having. It is really not in her best interest, which is the most important issue isn't it? It is about HER.

Comment on Baby Love: Therapy for Alzheimer's Sufferers

serioussue — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 19:03:40 -0000

my mother just pasted away a few months ago from 8yrs of dementia. her last 4 yrs was in a nursing home. shortly after she was there, i bought her a cute bunny with floppy ears it was the size of a small baby. that was the best present i ever bought her. she loved and cared and talked to that bunny like it was her baby. i believe thats what kept her company and kept her going for 4 more yrs. when she died i wanted the bunny to go with her but i changed my mind at the last minute and decided to keep her with me for my memories.

Comment on Baby Love: Therapy for Alzheimer's Sufferers

Paula Spencer — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 21:43:43 -0000

dancingbird, I think that when and how people respond to doll therapy varies by individual. She might enjoy it at first just as a sweet gift, as many women collect dolls, and then may or may not take greater comfort in it as time goes by.

Comment on Baby Love: Therapy for Alzheimer's Sufferers

pollytnjc — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 18:05:40 -0000

My mother is not "there" yet, but I recall how a babydoll really helped my grandmother years ago. She loved that babydoll, and altho she didn't carry it around, she enjoyed having it in her room, and she would laugh about it like she was "in" on some joke, but it always made her smile. I'm all for what works! Course, with me, its probably going to have to be Johnny Depp or Paul McCartney doll.....

Comment on Baby Love: Therapy for Alzheimer's Sufferers

dancingbird — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 15:41:37 -0000

My mom is in the later moderate stage of Alzheimers, would a baby doll soothe her now? Or is the doll therapy best received and helpful when in the late stage? Thanks!

Comment on Baby Love: Therapy for Alzheimer's Sufferers

LKN Caregiver — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 13:19:08 -0000

My agency provides care for an elderly woman in the later stages of Alzheimer's, and she loves her baby doll. I'm glad to see that this is recognized as a good therapy for her. We also use Baby Einstein DVDs to entertain her and play with paper dolls with her. She also responds well to very simple puzzles.

Comment on What Is Hospice? And Why Hospice Needs a PR Campaign

Joy Golliver — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 23:21:05 -0000

My husband has been in hospice for palative care for about 4 months now. I cannot tell you what a terrific help they have been. He has equipment he needs, his meds are monitored, I can talk to a case manager and a social worker, and he has a regular shower nurse who specializes in body checks for sores and bruising. I could not manage at this point even though he is in a memory support unit without their help. They help me a great deal in communicating to the facility what is needed and following through. God bless them. My recommendation, enter as soon as your doctor feels that you qualify. You can also leave hospice and come back if necessary.

Comment on Compassion Fatigue: To Stop Caregiving Stress, Stop Caregiving

Courtney_182 — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 23:20:25 -0000

It is very important for me (and others) to remember that we all have limits and boundaries and that honoring them is very important. This is a major part of my life and I appreciate your advice. Courtney_182 www.shiftshappen-site.com

Comment on Reconciling With Siblings After a Fight Over Caregiving for a Parent

kittymom — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 20:59:12 -0000

I found it interesting to read the other comments. I have been extremely down lately and sometimes you wonder if anyone understands. My mom has dementia and two years ago is when it just seems like everything 'hit the fan'. My mom lived alone and fell, had to there started to be other signs that 'things were just not right'. Along with the fall that got the ball rolling, she was not taking her medication as prescribed, not eating meals like she should. I live 20 miles away, organized "Meals on Wheels" to come by so she would get a good dinner and went over about every day - or every other is my sibling could stop by in between. My sibling and I always got along, although we are very different from each other. The day my mom fell was like the bottom fell out of my world. My brother is very nice when he wants something, the minute he gets what he wants - he's back to non-contact. We moved my mom two miles from him and his family and she is now 40 from my husband and I. I didn't feel it accomplished anything to have my mom in middle - what if she needed us right away? She is in assisted living. My sibling does see her every day after work for an hour or two, my adult nieces that live near her NEVER stop by to see her or both to call. Everything she had that couldn't go to her new place, my sibling decided it was to become property of my nieces. All her bills, mail go to her house - even though he's two miles away. He has Power of Attorney that was set up a long time ago. I see my mom once or twice a week and drive the 80 miles round trip, not to mention when I take her out while I'm there. And he STILL has the nerve to not keep me posted as to what is going on with my mom. I call her every single day. She mom's dementia is not so bad that she doesn't know me - she always says how she loves when I visit - she, unfortunately, can't remember any event after it happens. She could never remember if they went to the bank, what they did while there, anything. Then if you try to talk to him reasonably, he gets mad - in hopes, I'm sure, that you won't want to approach him. Does anyone have any suggestions? I am hurt to think after all these years that our relationship would come to this. He is always so quick to 'get even' with someone. I have a feeling that he has been mad ever since my mom went into assisted living because he's always so concerned that her money 'take care of her the rest of her life' - yet, she has a LOT! Why would she not use it to go into assisted living? I think he feels that since I don't work and my husband and I don't have kids, we should have taken my mom in - yet, he would never let me handle anything - it would strictly be to keep his inheritance going. I am just perplexed most of the time to think that I have no other family and they really don't even care. Not to mention how hard it is to see your own mother go through this disease and have to be so dependent on others - that would not have been her choice. I love her dearly.

Comment on Compassion Fatigue: To Stop Caregiving Stress, Stop Caregiving

PT Cruzr — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 12:02:52 -0000

Just to let you know....I went on vacation for 4 days. It was wonderful. I needed it immensely but when I got back, I got another "bomb" dropped on me..my unwed daughter who is 27 is pregnant...(what doesn't kill us makes us stronger right?). She is also working as a waitress and the boyfriend of one month says he will help (we can only hope) but now I can add the possibility of babysitting my new grandchild to my list of responsibilities (I don't need any more responsibilities) but I already told mom that this may change some things and I know that I will want to be there for my new grandbaby and my daughter. And she is an adult ....know of any really good sleep aids cause I'm tired of not sleeping!!!! And it's not getting better!!! But after my rest, I really do feel better able to cope...(when can I plan my next vacation) And I will really try to keep my sense of humor and as my mom says...try to think of that little bundle of joy coming into our lives...My mom is such a mom...Her response was that my daughter will probably make a real good mother. Keep sedative suggestions coming..ok???

Comment on Compassion Fatigue: To Stop Caregiving Stress, Stop Caregiving

PT Cruzr — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 11:53:47 -0000

Comment on What Is Hospice? And Why Hospice Needs a PR Campaign

Pattycakes — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 20:08:57 -0000

We just put my sister on Hospice this week. The nurse came to visit on tuesday and my sisters bloodpressure was 70/40. Immediately she was admitted to the Hospice center and her pain was managed,she was given a steroid to help with inflamation and now she is able to eat. she is so much happier and plans to be discharged from the hospice center and continue care at home till she needs to go back to the center for final stages of life. the ride to the center and back was picked up by medicare, the vns is also paid. its nice to know someone is helping to look after her when family cannot be close by

Comment on What To Do When a Family Disagreement Makes Caregiving Way Harder Than It Needs To Be

Nitwit — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 18:10:04 -0000

I am learning that in our family dynamic, it is almost better to say less than more. We have the same issues -- daughters do most of the work, but the sons do most of the criticizing ("you know what mom needs is...."), even though the sons may not have had any contact (phone or in person) for weeks. I used to spend a lot of energy (phone calls, emails, etc) trying to get my siblings involved. I would say things like "you haven't been here for six weeks" or "I check their caller ID and you never call". I used to send out really lengthy emails with details about doctor visits, meds, etc. All totally a waste of time -- they either never read it or else would criticize it. So my new strategy is to act stupid and ask for suggestions. "The doctor thinks maybe mom's irritation is due to depression. Do you think that could be right?" "Mom has trouble getting up the stairs to go to bed at night - what do you think we should do?". What I am finding is that the siblings seem to be more involved. They call her up to see if she sounds depressed. They help her up the stairs to see if she really has trouble. They are still full of "you should do this or that" comments, but I am sensing a more cohesive family unit trying to pull together for the sake of what is best for mom, rather than the brother/sister rivalry. I'm also trying the positive reinforcement plan as well, with lots of "mom told me how great it was to see you over the weekend" comments. There's a book called "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lehrer that basically says arguments will have the same script. If one person changes, then the 'dance' changes, which can thereby change the outcome. best of luck -- we are all feeling our way along..

Comment on What To Do When a Family Disagreement Makes Caregiving Way Harder Than It Needs To Be

Anonymous — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 18:01:19 -0000

Comment on Compassion Fatigue: To Stop Caregiving Stress, Stop Caregiving

pamsc — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 14:06:24 -0000

This is a helpful article, but please remember that not all family caregivers are children caring for parents, some of us are spouses caring for our husband or wife.

Comment on Compassion Fatigue: To Stop Caregiving Stress, Stop Caregiving

Anonymous — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 13:31:26 -0000

Ohhhh how i relate to this. My 96 year old mom still lives at home with 24 hour care on rotating shifts (medicaid). I am the only child living nearby. Even with her 24 hr. care, the stress on me, the "worry time", the errand running, shopping, dr. appts with her, plus working full time (in a job that is also in jeopardy) are finally taking their toll on me after 10 years (when my dad only died 2 years ago). Suddenly, this past August, I got a terrible cough, followed by a kidney stone, followed by some sort of stomach virus and exaccerbated reflux symptoms. I was a mess physically and mentally. Now I was also worried about my own health,not only my mom's. I am certain all of these ailments are stress related. One by one they are being followed up and taken care of, but the stress continues. I can sympathize with everyone here. The guilt, the stress: it's universal....it's not Jewish, it's not Italian, etc...it just IS. We must find coping skills and a support system to carry us through. This too shall pass.

Comment on What To Do When a Family Disagreement Makes Caregiving Way Harder Than It Needs To Be

Jane F — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 08:02:01 -0000

Our family conflict was so bad that we have not had contact with my husbands brothers for over 2 and a half years. The son that is durable power of attorney has his head stuck in the sand about their 83 year old moms health issues. My husband and I live 20 minutes from her, the dpoa lives over an hour away, the others are 3000 miles away and 500 miles away. I was doing a lot of the caring for my mother in law until she decided I was "stealing" all her stuff, like lotion, Bible bookmark, and most recently (even though I have not spoken to her or been to her house in over 2 yrs, her eye exercise video!. My husband and I wanted to have her checked out by a neurologist because she does have a diagnosis over 4 years old of dementia, but they are all in denial about that. She began several years ago with smelling things in her house, then other houses, then the car. It got so bad she was calling the gas company constantly and 911. Even after a new furnace and 3 chimney liners in as many months, she was not satisfied, so she went most of the winter with the heat off. She has hit a car in a parking lot, ripped a part of it off and was dragging it behind her car, but was totally unaware...until police were waiting for her when she came out of the store. This was 4 or 5 years ago. She has hit the fence separating her yard from a neighbors, and I know this because her driveway is by the fence, the neighbors have no drive way, they park on the street. She writes letter to police chief claiming there are homeless people sleeping in her car, she puts spike nails sharp side up around her fence perimeter, which the city made her remove. She was sure there were people stealing her tomatoes! She falls frequently, and has had surgery on an arm from the fall. She also had quad bypass surgery 3 years ago, is diabetic (but claims that is a lie, the doctor is in a cospiracy), so she eats whatever she wants and does not control blood sugars. She also has high blood pressure and is on meds for that, but she insists on buying scam "herbs" and cancer cures from phony "doctors" that send her magazines to order from. She orders stuff, then calls the credit card company saying it is identity theft because she does not remember doing it! She lines up soap bottles in her basement and takes lids off, and then accusing my husband of breaking in and doing it. But my husbands brothers say there is nothing wrong with her! She lives alone, still drives, and has control of her finances even though she has had to refinance her house 3 times for credit card debt to Home Shopping and "herbs" etc. We cannot resolve this family conflict because the brothers refuse to acknowledge that she needs to be checked by DMV to see if she should be driving, and she definitely needs a neurologist and gerontologist to look her over really good. They all refuse. They have made me feel like I am crazy or something for thinking there could be anything wrong with their mom, even though she calls and accuses me of stealing from her, and even reports me to the police for it! Advice????

Comment on Sex and Alzheimer's: Love Stories, Sad Stories, and Lots of Questions

lmartin — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 13:59:38 -0000

My father's sexual needs grew so much that he wanted sex all the time. My mom as his care giver gave in for a long time but after he proceeded to the next stages and became very aggressive he had to be moved to an Alzheimer's Facility. It was not condusive to sex and privacy so the sexual activity stopped. My father, of course didn't understand so he would become angry and accuse my mother of having a boyfriend. It became very ugly at times. We didn't want to put my mother in danger and we didn't know how to handle the whole situation. What do you do when the Alzheimer's "victim" is so angry and aggressive? Unfortunatly we lost my dad in 2008, but maybe someone else could benefit from some insight.

Comment on Sex and Alzheimer's: Love Stories, Sad Stories, and Lots of Questions

Anonymous — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 13:54:20 -0000

No, but I have seen love affairs start up in assisted living homes between residents married to others, very sexual conversations by a man to visitors and staff alike, and strong sexual approaches to caregivers, causing them to quit. These are probably more prevelant.

Comment on Sex and Alzheimer's: Love Stories, Sad Stories, and Lots of Questions

pollytnjc — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 13:35:03 -0000

Further, what about a situation where a person with sexual desires and slight dementia is perceived to have a good deal of money, and a caretaker is able to use sexual favors to gain control of this person's resources? Has anyone had experience within their family situations where a caregiver has abused their position like this? Or similar situation where an elderly person has been manipulated this way?

Comment on How Caregiving Can Help You Live Longer

GALOWA — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 05:06:26 -0000

How nice for people caring for a spouse or partner. However, I suspect the opposite may hold true for those of us in the Sandwich Generation caring for parents. Any studies on that?

Comment on Compassion Fatigue: To Stop Caregiving Stress, Stop Caregiving

Paula Spencer — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 18:09:57 -0000

PT Cruzr, you bring up a great question on how do we let our parents know we need the break, which I'm going to add to our Family Advisor Carol O'Dell's long queue of family conflict questions. Thanks for sharing your story -- I hope you know it's good to vent! Plus you bring up a lot of points that will help others in similar shoes.

Comment on Compassion Fatigue: To Stop Caregiving Stress, Stop Caregiving

PT Cruzr — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 13:51:53 -0000

I had a near mental type breakdown earlier this month when my sister told me that she would be gone for the next 8 weekends and would during that time also be taking 2 weeks vacation. My mom lives with my sister and my sister works full time. I take mom on all of her appointments, take her one night a week for dinner and cover for my sister when she is gone on vacation (which she tries to do once per month) but giving up 8 weekends in a row without my husband almost put me over the edge. I work every other weekend so my weekends are my getaway too. I have been caring for my parents now for 8 years. My father died 3 years ago and my mom moved in with my sister 2 years ago. I have taken care of all of their appointments during this time and while mom never lived with me, many weeks, I spend at least 3 days with her and one evening. And when Dad was alive he had to go to the hospital 2-3 times a week. (And I was the cab) So, while my sister was continuing to get away, I wasn't and it got to me. After I nearly fell apart, we enlisted the help of my daughter and my niece for the weekends (I will still take care of mom for the week when my sister is gone) but you cannot believe what a difference this made. I still see mom at least 3 days a week but I needed to take a day to NOT WORRY about her. I will be going away next week for 3 days...the first vacation all year and I am looking so forward to it. I also found that one weekend, I had my daughter take care of mom and I tried desperately to keep from phoning mom and that getaway helped immensely. We all need to just NOT WORRY for a time. I cannot imagine trying to care for a parent without having someone to share it with. One of our biggest problems with mom is the guilt that she puts on us when we want to get away. Immediately when my sister says that she is going to be away, Mom says she will come to stay with me. She makes my sister feel guilty for being gone all the time and when I told her I was going away for 3 days, maybe her "heart is failing". How do you make the parent know that you need to get away so you can be a better person for them? Oh, and by the way, during these mini-vacations for my sister, we hired a home care provider for one night and mom said that she was weird, my daughter was unreliable,etc., etc. She is only happy with her daughters and we can't be there all the time. Sorry for being so long winded...just need to vent. I believe that communication is very important in these situations and we all need to remember that we still love our parents and when they are gone, you know how much you love them and you can't get them back.

Comment on World Alzheimer's Day and Why People With Alzheimer's Need It

Laura_ICARAStudy — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 20:48:30 -0000

It is important for patients and families affected by diseases such as Alzheimer’s to consider participating in clinical studies. One such study is the ICARA Study (www.icarastudy.com), whose goal is to explore if an investigational drug, called Bapineuzumab, can help slow the progression of Alzheimer’s Disease. Clinical studies that test new treatments are the best chance we have for fighting this disease. Current therapies for Alzheimer’s treat the symptoms associated with it, not the disease itself.

Comment on World Alzheimer's Day and Why People With Alzheimer's Need It

serioussue — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 14:39:35 -0000

this is a devastating disease, for the patient and their families. you lose your loved one long before they die. my mother had dementia a form of alzheimer's, i lost her 3 months ago to the day. she suffered for a good 7 yrs. I was her only care taker, i finally had to put her in a convelesant home , she needed 24 hr care and i couldn't do it by myself. i visited her everyday, i miss her so bad. so my suggestion is talk, remonise, laugh, love and spend as much time with your loved one before they forget who you are.i held my mom's hand until she died, i was so sorry i couldn't help her, but now she's in heaven and at peace. she's my guardian angel now.

Comment on Compassion Fatigue: To Stop Caregiving Stress, Stop Caregiving

RightatHome — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 14:39:00 -0000

Great article Paula, Caregiver stress is a serious issue and a difficult one to broach. But it is important for each of us to realize that we only have so much to give. That we need to take care of ourselves. In the long run, taking a break and breaking the stress is better for the care recipient too. I liked your suggestion on looking locally for a friend or family member and you suggestion of hiring a care provider. I saw, maybe you can combine the two. Many adult children live far from their aging parents leaving just one sibling to care for mom or dad. Maybe ask those living far away to pitch in for hired care that you can trust. Just a thought. For more information on eldercare, check out our blog at http://www.rightathome.net/seniorhomecare.

Comment on World Alzheimer's Day and Why People With Alzheimer's Need It

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 23:44:13 -0000

I want the world to know 1. this disease is awful 2. this disease shouldnt be wished on your worst enemy 3. this disease needs a cure.

Comment on Dementia and Pain: How to Assess When Someone Hurts and Needs Help

lmarie — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 12:08:54 -0000

Thanks nursefluffers

Comment on Dementia and Pain: How to Assess When Someone Hurts and Needs Help

nursefluffers — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 21:50:13 -0000

this is excellent, I am sharing this with co-workers!

Comment on What Is Someone With Dementia Thinking?

Joy Golliver — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 19:52:59 -0000

My husband is now in very late stage dementia and is beginning end of life transition. I can tell, because sometimes he is looking "through me" or over my shoulder at something else. He is content there and might carry on a happy conversation. Other times he looks right at me and smiles and tries to answer my questions. He even tried to watch the tennis open as I carried on a happy conversation of what was happening. Believe when I tell you, they are still in there and reachable by your loving touch and words. Remember, hearing is the last thing to go.

Comment on Why People With Dementia Need Daily Exercise

310Al — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 01:31:04 -0000

I also read a very good 5 Top things you can do to protect your Memory. Top 5 things you can do to Protect your Memory 1) Avoid Neurotoxins Neurotoxins are very damaging to the brain, a specific group called excitotoxins actually engages your brain cells and can over stimulate them to the point your brain cells begin to die due to the hyper activity. 2) Fitness & Exercise - Moderate exercise is key! Studies have shown moderate exercise on a frequent basis can improve your overall memory and recall 3) Take Neuralox daily. The brain is vital to our existence and quality of life, why not protect it from harm. Neuralox Triple action formula protects the mind, nourishes the brain, and enhances your memory. Take Neuralox Advanced Memory Formula - Try Risk Free for 21 days. www.neuralox.com 4) Life Style, Quit Smoking,Avoid Drug and Alcohol abuse Quit Smoking Research published in the American Journal of Public Health shows that smokers over the age of 40 have a much faster rate of memory loss than non-smokers. Avoid Drug use Studies have long shown the connection of pot smoking (marijuana) with impairment of memory function. Now even more brain damaging drugs are prevalent such as Ecstasy or more commonly known as “E”. Studies have shown that memory function can be permanently impaired by MDMA, the active ingredient in “E”. Alcohol Abuse Alcohol abuse is a serious condition for many reasons. One reason is that alcohol abuse can lead to several types of memory loss. Alcohol has significant impact on the brain's ability to make and retain memories. 5) Exercise for the brain This concept is really starting to take off as there are more and more products to stimulate the brain in the form of online games and computer based puzzles. Without getting into the technical how, simply the more you use your brain the better trained it is to function.

Comment on Reconciling With Siblings After a Fight Over Caregiving for a Parent

peach11 — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 06:08:05 -0000

The hard part about caregiving is that the system I turned to (The Legal system) to get some relief is as much of a problem as my siblings. My Sisters who live out of stste came home took my Mother from our home in my absents and had her to put their name on her bank account as joint owners and to sigh the family property to them. dropped her of and went back to their homes. There are seven of us and I found out about the transastion when check started to bounce and the taxes appeared in the paper as past due So I turned to the legal system to get guardianship my mistake was in my choice of Attorneys. Not filing documents in a timely manner not serving all parties missing deadlines. In the mean time my sibling are not speakin to me and I am alone in my caring for my mother. Because of the recent transfer of property, the services that is available is not and the money that was in the bank, was transffered to my sisters accounts. One sister used the money to pay for Lapband surgery and to take a cruise. The other sibling are not available one brother passes by almost daily but do not stop. The other brother calls my phone and ask how is your mother doing. When I informed him that It is also his mother he made the comment you are the one who went to court so you got it all under control. It is my extended family who I can call on and depend on to support me and to help out.

Comment on What To Do When a Family Disagreement Makes Caregiving Way Harder Than It Needs To Be

accordo — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 22:27:34 -0000

Elder care mediators have a specialized process knowledge base and understanding of the life changing issues faced by elders and their families. They assist in navigating the uncertain path created by unplanned changes in the physical, emotional, and relational well being of parents. Elder care mediator’s are focused on serving the elders and the families through offering a process that creates a safe space for an often difficult dialogue. Your elder care mediator should NOT be a caregiver or your care manager. Elder care mediators (and mediators in general) are always neutral parties. Look on the local link on this site and search for mediators. Also conduct a county or city internet search under the keywords "elder care mediation in _____ county and (state)" This should lead you to local resources. Be certain you find a mediator with a specialization in elder care/gerontology! For example, Accordo Mediation Specialists, LLC has elder care specialists who are certified mediators through their elder care division.

Comment on Grandparent's Day (or Any Day) Gifts Kids Can Make

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 18:38:39 -0000

i like that these ideas are fast and easy, most of them

Comment on Can Marilyn Monroe or George Clooney Predict Alzheimer's?

octoman — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 17:37:35 -0000

Now you see my memory problem I misspelt remember in my blog,yes I can spell it.but I didn't also I did not notice this until posted it,then it was like a sore thumb.Freudian?may be. My mother had alzheimer's but I think being 79 may have something to do with it.I forgot Marilyn Monroe's name After watching Bus Stop.why? I remember dreams some people dont.but my dreams have meaning.I was on Richard Dawkins website I queried their belief that we all came from one cell They called me all sorts of an idiot .The website was red hot.that night I had a dream,my neighbour had dumped all his rubbish in my garden,symbolic?it was to me.

Comment on Can Marilyn Monroe or George Clooney Predict Alzheimer's?

octoman — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 17:03:34 -0000

I am sorry It is a spectacular approach to a normal human funtion memory loss. Strange we can rembember some names and not others some film stars and not others ,I have a simple way of over coming this problem. I have ninety golfing friends names to remember every week. I just imagine crown on the head of George a potty on the head of Jerry A leg of mutton on Jeffs head . long John big Fred and a I never have trouble again,sort of giving my memory a clue.

Comment on What Is Someone With Dementia Thinking?

luckybabygirl — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 16:58:51 -0000

My mother has Alzheimer's and is 86 years old, she thrives on social contact and her mood is much better when she visits relatives who live out of town. She loves when I visit and I tell her stories of when she and my aunts/uncles/grandma were young and when my family of origin were growing up. She loves to hear them, of course, these are stories that she or my other relatives have passed on to me, but she loves to hear them because she can't remember them herself. I tell her who I am, what day it is, and tell her the names of her family of origin, and then tell her the names of my brothers and sisters. I also make sure that she is dressed appropriately for the weather and make sure she has eaten, is drinking enough water, and take her blood pressure to reassure her that she's OK. She has had a TIA (mini-stroke) and a heart attack, so she worries alot when she doesn't feel well. I really love my mother and now it's like I am the mother and she is my baby. The article was spot on concerning the behavior and emotions of my mother. It was a great article. Thanks, Eva Carvajal

Comment on What Is Someone With Dementia Thinking?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 13:54:13 -0000

Informative and comforting.

Comment on What To Do When a Family Disagreement Makes Caregiving Way Harder Than It Needs To Be

boredwell — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 20:42:02 -0000

I am a caregiver by default and proximity for an 80 yr old roommate with two broken hips. He relies on me for everything except financial. He is hyper-critical, derides me, is adept at denying responsibility for his actions (I'm always the culprit) and has a ready excuse for being unable to cooperate with my "badgering" requests. IE, "Could you please throw your wet clothes (incontinence)in the plastic pale rather than on the hardwood floors?" "Stop yelling at me!," is his usual response. His reactions to any efforts to reason have been to make an anti-Semitic remark, threats to call the police for "harassing" him and, most recently, the repetition of how much he hates me and his hope I will soon die (I have a brain tumor). A worker bathes him weekly. I prepare meals, shop, do laundry, take care of the dog. I've stopped talking to him because this seems the only way to avoid conflict. My one attempt to engage his social worker in a mediation process was a disaster. My roommate ranted that I had no "rights" to complain, that I was "just a roommate" and had overstepped my bounds. I'm at my wits end.

Comment on What To Do When a Family Disagreement Makes Caregiving Way Harder Than It Needs To Be

Anonymous — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 10:31:48 -0000

Strange things happen with our Mother; hard of hearing, memory problems, quick changes from inability to co-operate in daily living chores to the opposite. Now that she has 3 caregivers the problems are more often than not. 15 yrs. difference in ages of daughters cause resentment issues in care decisions, tho all are educated in nursing to various degrees. Blame goes from " abuse" to "pampering" on the different sides

Comment on 6 Ways to Work Around Someone Else's Denial

Rebecca — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 13:36:21 -0000

Timely and thoughtful as always Paula! And such an important issue. For myself, I think sometimes it leads to self-doubt.... maybe its me that's over reacting. thanks!

Comment on Can Marilyn Monroe or George Clooney Predict Alzheimer's?

mamoros — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 17:36:56 -0000

I agree with Friendma. This type of testing is almost like playing "Trivial Pursuit".... it is predicated on KNOWLEDGE of pop culture and current events rather than on actual brain FUNCTION. Knowledge is self-controlled whereas brain function is not. For a test such as this to be scientifically valid, it should be able to be duplicated. How would you test someone from a different culture? For example, Amish people live in our midst but they do not participate in our culture and would very likely not know the names of pop icons. Like Friendma, I would not recognize many of the faces or names of some of the current heartthrobs, but, for now, my memory is fine. I would label this as "pseudo-science" and is predictive of cultural participation, not purely brain function. A better test would be to show random images and ask the participant to identify a specific type of object, such as a specific geometric shape. Has this "study" been peer reviewed and held up to scientific scrutiny?

Comment on Testing for Your Genetic Risk of Alzheimer's: Yes or No?

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 15:38:18 -0000

My adult children are facing this decision because my husband and his two sisters have Alzheimer's. I do not recommend it to them until there is a cure or prevention drug. I encourage good health. I had breast cancer and there is a test for that as well, but no cure or treatment you could start. So I don't recommend that to my daugther and neither did her doctor.

Comment on Can Marilyn Monroe or George Clooney Predict Alzheimer's?

Friendma — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 15:08:15 -0000

I don't have a memory problem but have never been a big movie fan or watched a lot of tv, so putting ME through that kind of test would most likely end up with an incorrect conclusion. My husband couldn't have passed that test 25 years ago when he was healthy! Einstein, probably...Monroe, maybe...Clooney or Spears...not a chance!

Comment on 10 Ideas for Getting a Reluctant Person Checked for Alzheimer's

Friendma — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 20:49:21 -0000

My husband was adamantly against home care, nursing homes, assisted living...just wanted to be at home with me. To get him into the A/L facility, our doctor recommended that he check into a clinic for memory evaluation/assessment and hubby went without question. However, after being there awhile, he still questions why he needs the "testing" and wants to come home. It hurt me to use the "loving manipulation" someone else suggested, but it was the only way. He's getting the care now that I no longer can provide.

Comment on The 5 REAL Reasons You're Stressed –- and How to Tame Them Now

AlwaysDaddy'sGirl — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 20:17:29 -0000

It is easy to read about it but to take and put into real life situations for me is hard. I not only have my family to take care of I need to help my mom take care of my dad. I have had depression for over 16 years and don't know how to stop the feelings. When something hurts me instead of taking out on the person or thing that hurts me I take it out on myself. I am in couseling for it but i don't want to have to take medication for it. So I don't know what else to do.

Comment on The 5 REAL Reasons You're Stressed –- and How to Tame Them Now

jpirron1 — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 12:46:47 -0000

Terrific article, great reminders. Most of them break down to taking a "left turn" off of how I usually think & operate. Guess it's good advice for dealing with life in general.

Comment on The 5 REAL Reasons You're Stressed –- and How to Tame Them Now

Spockula — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 06:07:52 -0000

I pretty much know what you're sayin' & try to do those things........still hard & lack of options/help!

Comment on The 5 REAL Reasons You're Stressed –- and How to Tame Them Now

sophie659 — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 01:46:58 -0000

Gosh can I relate to STRESS! Been a rough year so far. Hard to be upbeat. Need prayers and a hug.

Comment on The 5 REAL Reasons You're Stressed –- and How to Tame Them Now

Anonymous — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 00:03:41 -0000

No one can feel the way I have in the last year. These and more apply... I challenge anyone to go through what I've gone through without support!

Comment on The 5 REAL Reasons You're Stressed –- and How to Tame Them Now

Slipjig — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 21:48:19 -0000

#4 and #5 are definitely me right now! Thanks for helping me see it...

Comment on The 5 REAL Reasons You're Stressed –- and How to Tame Them Now

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 13:28:20 -0000

Yes !!! Very helpful......so many ways I am feeling right now !!! sometimes we need to see it in writing to help us get on with life !!! Thanks !!!

Comment on When Caregiving for Someone With Alzheimer's, Emotions Are All-Important

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 17:26:29 -0000

Very helpful and very relevant article. I can see the truth of the importance of emotions, both as a trigger for negative/hostile/frustrated behavior and for maintaining a positive and calm outlook in the dementia patient/parent. Thank you for your insight.

Comment on De-Stressing End-of-Life Care NOW (Whatever Healthcare Reform Brings)

cashew — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 22:20:10 -0000

Thank you so much for your article. You explained it in such a way that felt your compassion for your parents. I have written several articles that I'd like to share: http://www.examiner.com/x-20416-Virginia-Beach-Elder-Care-Examiner We must help each other. The reality is: Each one of us will either become a caregiver, or need to have someone care for us. We cannot excape it! Please live a posting on the site. By the way, hospice helps not only the dying, but most especially the living family members. I would not have made it without them.

Comment on De-Stressing End-of-Life Care NOW (Whatever Healthcare Reform Brings)

Ruth S-Professional — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 13:04:44 -0000

FIRST OF ALL-REGARDING HEALTH CARE REFORM-BE SURE TO FOCUS ON FACT AND NOT RUMOR. BE VERY CAUTIOUS NOT TO FALL PREY TO RUMOR AND MEDIA HYPE. BEFORE YOU REACT, GET EVERY FACT! Advance directives put the patient in control. Be sure to not only have it in writing-have a conversation with those you have designated to speak on your behalf to ensure that they know what your wishes are. Hospice philosphy can offer a beautiful experience to all. I too have "done it both ways" (i.e. lost loved ones tragically & suddenly vs. under Hospice care. I'll take Hospice any day!) Each of us will face death some day. Why not make it loving, reflective,and appreciative of the human being you are caring for.

Comment on Is This Alzheimer's Prevention Advice Worth Changing Your Life Over?

knighthouse — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 16:58:33 -0000

Having a wonderful Mom and an equally wonderful Mom-in-law with Alz. I can appreciate ANY possible help in life style changes. Most of the recommended information such as excercise, eating more veggies, getting rest, socializing and pray and mediatation will help any life style to improve. Right????

Comment on De-Stressing End-of-Life Care NOW (Whatever Healthcare Reform Brings)

knighthouse — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 16:50:32 -0000

Thanks for helping sort out things. Although I feel only those of us facing end of life issues sees this information. Looks like when nothing else would get the american public off the proverbial couch health care reform did and about time too.

Comment on De-Stressing End-of-Life Care NOW (Whatever Healthcare Reform Brings)

John — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 10:23:14 -0000

ms Mad Dog - I interpreted the comment a bit differently, to mean that real life is not similar to TV life. I don't think the implication was that nurses don't care or that one should not bother with CPR!! I believe the message was not to buy in to the hollywood representation of end-of-life, don't delay putting your wishes in writing and discussing your desires.

Comment on Reconciling With Siblings After a Fight Over Caregiving for a Parent

Anonymous — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 17:10:28 -0000

When more than one adult sibling is involved in overseeing the care and finances of an elderly parent, all rarely agree on everything. In our society, we are so stressed and busy - everyone seems to feel others have more time or money to help, than they do. In some cases, elder siblings may be facing their own changes or financial reverses - so suddenly, the living parents assets start looking like readily available "funds." Due to the complicated dynamics of siblings, families, and past memories/perceptions - it seems best to pay for expert guidance and mediation from sources that are not "family." If you "move on" - but leave the parent's care in uncapable hands - the eventual outcome may be far worse than a few hours of family "mediation" or "therapy."

Comment on De-Stressing End-of-Life Care NOW (Whatever Healthcare Reform Brings)

msmaddog — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 18:06:14 -0000

So the percentage of 70 and over don't survive CPR, is it Nurse Sara who would decide because of age don't bother?? Heaven help us old folks because a lot of young people would go with the don't bother routine.

Comment on When Caregiving for Someone With Alzheimer's, Emotions Are All-Important

Anonymous — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 19:12:00 -0000

An excellent article, and so true.

Comment on When Caregiving for Someone With Alzheimer's, Emotions Are All-Important

Joy Golliver — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 17:30:45 -0000

Not only was it helpful, it was beautiful. It is a tool that I use and Bob's care partner Kathy uses regularly. There is a wonderful T Shirt by Suzy. View it here www.suzytoronto.com. It has a poem titled She With Healing Hands. I recommend it as a gift for a caregiver.

Comment on When Caregiving for Someone With Alzheimer's, Emotions Are All-Important

pollytnjc — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 15:12:32 -0000

I agree - have found that my mother responds best when the mood is lighter. She has told me she notices body language in other people, and gets embarrassed even tho she may not realize just what she has done. When I am asked the same question for the umpteenth time, I try to pause for a beat or two, and smile and just respond as if it is the first time. I try not to let my body language convey anything negative. It is hard, but I have found that my pausing for a moment helps both of us! I also agree with the last point - my mother is fine when I answer her question as it is put, because whether it is applicable to the situation or not, she will forget it momentarily. In the meantime, however, I have given her a response that she understood, and haven't made her feel like an idiot in the process. Pride is important, and tho it may not seem like it, they beat themselves up inside whenever they realize they've made a "mistake"...they feel unimportant and a burden even more. It is so frustrating for us, but imagine how frustrating to them! My mother was always on top of everything, and now she isn't. She knows it too. And it hurts to see the look on her face when she realizes that she isn't tracking. Imagine yourself there -

Comment on When Caregiving for Someone With Alzheimer's, Emotions Are All-Important

Sherryaw — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 13:29:28 -0000

This was really helpful and informative....

Comment on The Secret Guilt of Caregivers

jatmy — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 00:06:37 -0000

My husband who will be 59 in October 2009 has been unable to work for the last 15 years due to his first +MI. Since then he has had two more MI'S, PulmonaryHypertension, Cardiac tampanode, COPD, Diabetes Militus-Insulin dependent, morbid obesity, utilitizates oxygen 24hours a day and bipap at night. He had a ruptured diverticulitis and has a colostomy, neuropathy of leg and feet, arthristis, has a torn rotator cuff of the right shoulder, can only transfer from bed to chair with assistance, is prone to GI bleeds, has renal calculi which he has been passing stones for the las 7 years from however the risk is to high for surgery, is becoming increasingly confused, falling when he tries to ambulate as he forgets about his disabilties and on and on it goes. As these problems have developed and worsend ove the last 10 years we have tried to adapt as each new symptom developes. I had been working fulltime as an LPN at our local hospital until a year ago when I fell and broke my left angle. I was on crutches for 3 months and then returned to work full time. In 4 weeks I fell again and had a fracture of my left ankle and compound fracture of left foot. They were unable to do surgery as I was caring for my husband at home still so was sent home with frx boot, crutches and non-weight bearing to left foot. Our daughter came home for a week, however she left her husband and 7 year old twins at home which is a 2 hour drive so she headed back for home. I am 57 years old which leaves us to young for many of the services available to either the younger or senior population. While I was off work with the 2nd fracture I developed neuropathy of both legs/feet, hypertension and depression. I have had a seizure disorder-etiology unknown since I was 6 years old. It is controlled with medications however I do not drive because of it and now that my husband is so sick he is unable to drive. I returned to work after 4 months during which time our hospital was taken over by another facilty with all new administration and many changes in personnel policies. I was called in for a meeting with my new supervisor who was not going to as lenient with me if I needed to leave because of my husbands declining health. My work records were always good and after working at this hospital for 32 years I had missed work for 6 weeks when I had my daughter 24 years ago, a total of 11 full days for my own illness at different times in those 32 years until I had fractured my ankles in the last year so I still had PTO hours which I had accumulated and not yet used all of them even with my time off over the last year. I was given the option of quitting on my own or being fired because of missing work and leaving at times for emergencies for husband which would result in any where from 30 mintues to the remainder of a day depending on his problem at the time. Now that neither of us are working I have reluctently tried to get assistance with some of the daily issuse which come in dealing with caring for my husband at home. I have never before asked for help because of my seizure disorder and the inability to drive from anyone except for family members. My husbands Dr's. are a 2 hour drive and his appointment becoming more frequent as he has become more ill. We live in a rural town with no intown transportation let alone long distance transportation to doctors or hospitals. It is almost to the place where I am going to have to place him in a nursing home to get the care he needs from his physicians. Both of us are becoming more depressed trying to figure out where to turn next. There are many agencies out there but our ages makes us to old or to young for most of these services. I have been told to go on medicare/medicaid, you have paid for it all these years so use it. We have always tried to plan for our older years and I really do not want to turn this all over in one lump sum and then have nothing to fall back on in later years. I feel we are the forgotten generation. I resent that they are making me beg for help when we have always tried to care for things ourselves.

Comment on Surprising New Research: Is It Alzheimer's--or a Vision Problem?

Paula Spencer — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 02:40:33 -0000

Your extra tips about mirrors and throw rugs in front of doors (both the pro and the con!) are bound to help others, thanks for sharing them. ps

Comment on What To Do When a Family Disagreement Makes Caregiving Way Harder Than It Needs To Be

Quincy — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 18:30:09 -0000

My husband was sick for about a year, before he passed. I had no support from his sibling and father.Since his death, I am not included in nothing. What should I do?

Comment on Reconciling With Siblings After a Fight Over Caregiving for a Parent

Anonymous — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 15:55:43 -0000

Thanks for this posting Paula. It helps to know we are not a lone and it is actually common. I'm also glad you brought up the point of no reconciliation. Sometimes it just is not possible. We've learned that DNA doesn't mean a whole lot if you do not have honesty, respect, trust and love. You are right, it is important to move on.

Comment on The Secret Guilt of Caregivers

sugarbay — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 00:48:15 -0000

Thanks for the reminder that guilt is normal. The older my mother gets, the more guilt I feel. I feel that I'm it and am in no way nearly enough but don't see a way to involve others at this time. It is true...It takes a village to raise a child and it takes a village to sustain an elder.

Comment on Prolonged Grief, a New Psychological Disorder?

Della — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 23:33:09 -0000

April died 3/21/95....i'm her mom....i'm still trying to stay alive....prolongued grief is real

Comment on Prolonged Grief, a New Psychological Disorder?

Anna1945 — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 21:23:43 -0000

Since the death of my brother, 1989, then my sister, 1990, 8 months apart. I have not been able to pull my self back to the real me. This is when everything started in a downward spiral. I still see the fear in my brothers eyes when I told him I needed to be at work the next day and would be back that night. The nurses, assured me he was going to pull through the stroke. The very next morning as I arrived at work. I recieved a phone call telling me my brother was brain dead. I later found out that his wife of 33 yrs. refused medical treatment upon arrival at the hospital, while he was still unconcious. Also, she insisted that the nurses needed me to sign a form stating he was brain dead. Later when my sister was dying, I asked her doctor if a brain dead person shed tears when you talked to them. I was ask to do this on the night he died by his wife. I ask her why, they said he was brain dead. She could not or would not answer that question. As I talked to him of my love for him and to for him to tell our mother in heaven hi for me. There were tears running down his face. My sister's doctor informed me he was not brain dead. I was told at the funeral for his wife in 2003, but the grown children they would buy headstones. He had already been dead several years. They were not buried next to each other she was placed some distance away with her mother. 2007, I went to a funeral at the cemetary expecting to find his grave, still no headstone, 19 yrs. after his death. I purchased one and had it put up on his birthdate a few months later. The fear in his eyes still haunt me and I still cry and can not talk about him. He was my brother, best friend and acting father, our own father did not care about us. I was 6 when mom died and he was 12. I was lied to by the wife, hospital and ask to sign his death warrant. To this day it is still extremely painful.

Comment on Surprising New Research: Is It Alzheimer's--or a Vision Problem?

GrannyB — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 22:41:45 -0000

While your comment about covering mirrors to reduce glare is a good idea..we found that by putting mirrors on the inside of doors we did not want patients to leave through..was a great deterent to them attempting to get out through those doors. We think it was because of their inability to always recognize themselves and they just thought there was a person blocking the exit.

Comment on How to Hang Out With Someone Who Has Alzheimer's

pollytnjc — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 15:13:11 -0000

These are all good ideas. I agree that you have to be sure the person is up for a large visit of people, but if folks arrive at the same time but can string in a few at time, it may be less overwhelming. Older people love children, but if they are alzheimers AND sick, older people can only take noise and disruption for so long. In visiting my elderly dementia/alzheimers family/friends, I have found that offering to brush their hair or help them put some lotion on their hands is usually readily agreed to. If you can take them for a walk, get them outside if you have a nice day or somewhere they can see outside. Identifying yourself and those with you are a must. Patience - well, be ready to repeat yourself and do so with a smile. They may have a problem remembering facts or people, but they have not forgotten what it feels like to be considered "old". My mother said that she notices the "winks and nods" of people when she repeats herself and it hurts her feelings. She knows she is not "on top of her game" anymore, but those little social things are still noticed! Remember that sometimes the problem is not the mental aspect - it may be more a hearing or vision issue!

Comment on Surprising New Research: Is It Alzheimer's--or a Vision Problem?

pollytnjc — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 15:03:17 -0000

This is good info. I'd also like to add that a hearing loss can result in behavior that appears to be alzheimers related too. My mother was responding inappropriately to comments from others - in getting her a GOOD hearing aide, this "problem" has improved markedly. In addition, I am not sure if this is true, but a friend of mine whose mother was alzheimers patient who "ran away" alot, was told by nursing home attendents that putting a dark/black mat under the door would appear to be a hole to many alzheimers patients and would stop them from going out the door. Unfortunately, the aides did not tell her this until her mother had already passed away. She said if it would work, it would have saved her a lot of grief! Anyone know about this?

Comment on Surprising New Research: Is It Alzheimer's--or a Vision Problem?

CA-Claire — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 14:41:28 -0000

Great article. One more note on the dark throw rugs. Depending on where a man grew up, a dark spot could be a hole to urinate in - if he grew up in the country.

Comment on What To Do When a Family Disagreement Makes Caregiving Way Harder Than It Needs To Be

jpirron1 — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 12:48:48 -0000

journey: you are doing the right thing. Sometimes our spouses are not as able to deal with their emotions very well when it involves people they care about. I witnessed my husband doing the same thing. It was easier for him to vent on me than admit what he was really feeling. My suggestion: be like teflon when this happens, don't let it stick to you. It's not about you, you are just in the line of fire.

Comment on The Secret Guilt of Caregivers

Spockula — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 06:17:31 -0000

It's still hard to pass off the guilt. Also, guilt goes w/ depression sx's, too. Again, the more you delegate, or get help....the easier life is, & guilt lessens.

Comment on The Secret Guilt of Caregivers

PT Cruzr — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 17:41:29 -0000

I thought this was very helpful...My sister and I are now dealing with this guilt. My mom lives with my sister (who works day, nights and weekends) and I take care of Mom when my sister cannot be there. I also do all doctor, hairdresser, eye doctor appointments, etc. If Mom wants to go out, I take her. But we recently had a weekend where both my sister and I wanted to have a break and you should have heard Mom. You girls don't love me anymore because you don't want me around....I'm telling you it was difficult!!! So thanks for the comments... Keep them coming

Comment on The Secret Guilt of Caregivers

CA-Claire — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 14:58:32 -0000