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It was around this time of year five years ago when I last pushed my friend Jessie from her nursing home to St. Mark’s Church across the street to a Saturday Mass. Wet and chilly. I recall Jessie, then about 80, gripping her wheelchair as we made a mad dash to the church.

Turned out this was Jessie’s last year of life. She was a strong soul, and, all things considered had an OK final few years – even with two broken hips, a move from her home to a nursing home, and generally declining health. She was sassy to the end.

I can’t help but wonder if Jessie’s faith helped keep her spunky. Yet another study was published recently showing a correlation between longevity and spiritual beliefs. In this one (part of the well-regarded Women’s Health Initiative), women who expressed religious feelings and attended services lived moderately longer than non-religious peers...  Read more

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A good friend called last week saying she had a rather embarrassing tale she thought I’d be interested in. She’d recently received one of those automated calls from her health maintenance organization (HMO), saying “last call” for flu shots. She was about to hang up (she and her teen daughters had gotten their shots), when the recorded voice continued: “Seniors and young children are especially urged to get vaccinated.”

Dang, she thought. “I don’t know if Mom got her shot this year.” She quit the robocall and dialed her 80-something mother who lives in a small apartment nearby. “Yes I got my flu shot,” her mom announced. “Well, I think I did. Maybe."

“Which is it?” my friend asked, eager to get on with her day. “Gimme some time,” her mom answered with annoyance, ending the call.

Thus began what I’m calling the “Case of the Flu Shot Mystery...  Read more

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Last week, I got a late night call from my dad, saying goodbye as he was flying off the next morning to visit my sister, a few hours away. I immediately knew something was up. (My dad just turned 86.) First, he rarely calls me after 9, as this is his usual bedtime. Second, his voice was weak and ragged. Third -- was I imagining it? -- or did his tone seem pleading?

“Are you OK?” I asked. Labored breathing. Whatever he was about to say, I knew he was absolutely not OK. “Me? Yeah, I’m fine,” he whispered.

I braced myself for what I knew lay ahead -- a tough love zone. Many of you probably know what I’m talking about -- that unpleasant arena of family relations where the “kid” (me) needs to take on the adult (my dad) because he’s not looking out for himself.

A little background: My dad is a man who, according to him, is always fine. Burning shoulder pains every time he moves (“I’m fine...  Read more

I ran into a friend a few weeks ago who made a comment about her elderly mom that startled me: She said her mother was taken off hospice because she hadn’t died soon enough. Her mom is 94 and has severe dementia, affecting her ability to drink and eat, among many other problems. She'd been receiving hospice services from Medicare for about nine months.

Was this good news or bad? A little of each, my friend explained, with a weary sigh. Good because, well, her mom doesn’t seem as near-death as medical folks thought she was a few months back. But also a major blow because hospice was providing her very frail mother -- and the whole family -- with a range of helpful services, including a visiting hospice nurse who focused on her mother's comfort (versus treatment), and a social worker to help everyone through the death process. (Her mom lives at home with 24-hour caregivers.)

Losing hospice has been confusing and emotional for her mom and the family...  Read more

One of the best presents I ever received as a new mom was a homemade gift certificate for babysitting from a good friend. As I recall, she gave me a certificate worth “one night out” of childcare. And boy did I ever cash in.

Years have passed and now more of my friends need help caring for their parents than for their kids. As we face the thick of holiday shopping, not to mention a bleak economy, I'm officially dusting off what I'll call the "favor" or "service" gift certificate idea. I know a few folks who would really appreciate a night of trusted companionship for the senior in their care, so they can go out.

By the same token, personalized or home-spun gift certificates are an excellent option for seniors, too. Many, like my dad, aren't interested in accumulating more things or stuff, but are in a paring-down state of mind...  Read more

Need some useful advice on how to cut costs on groceries and other household items of special interest to seniors? Who doesn't, right?

It turns out there are several legitimate “shopping” websites that do the coupon-clipping, deal scanning, price-comparing work for you, offering one-stop shops for savings. I’m talking about above-board, real deal sites that stand out from the questionable, cheesy river of web pages claiming they’ll save (or make) you money.

The man behind this advice is Joe Ridout, who works for Consumer Action, a national nonprofit. Ridout was recently interviewed on NPR’s Talk of the Nation on a segment called How to Have Festive (Yet Frugal) Holidays. I talked to Joe the other day to pick his brain a little more.

Here goes. I’ll call this: Joe-the-Consumer-Guy’s Guide to Good Family Shopping Websites

Joe differentiates between two basic kinds of sites: “coupon” and “deal...  Read more

The other day I read a piece of caregiving advice that cut through all the rest and really spoke to me. It applies to pretty much any situation or circumstance, and it's so very simple: Avoid being in a hurry.

In other words: Slow down.

The writer happened to be someone in a Caring.com discussion group that's generally focused on how rushing and old age don’t mix, causing all kinds of tension between seniors and their caregivers. Stiff joints, muscle weakness, aches and pains, fears -- whatever the reason, old age is, in the natural life cycle, a time for slowing down. Accepting this, and planning for it, can make life so much easier for seniors and the people caring for them.

How do you plan for slowness? Well, I think there are two approaches. One is practical and the other philosophical.

On the practical side:

• Be realistic about how much time it will take for you and the senior in your care to run errands, go to appointments, and so on...  Read more

Awhile back, I used to make weekly visits to a friend in a nursing home. Her home was the basic “Medicaid Package” (many of the residents were low-income), not a horrible place, but simple, without frills like field-trips or a gym.

I'll always remember the image of rows of residents in wheelchairs lining the halls. Some were asleep, others staring into space. A few would smile as I walked by, reaching a hand up for a squeeze. So this is old age, I thought: sitting. I’d be lying if I didn’t say this gave me the creeps.

I know it's not so simple. As body and mind lose strength, options for activities shrink. Some of these seniors were oblivious to their environment. Some may have been perfectly OK sitting in the halls watching the nursing home world go by.

But the problem of aging and boredom are well known, especially for the frail elderly. It affects people regardless of where they live, in nursing homes or their own homes...  Read more

A dear friend’s mom planted herself on her couch last summer, announcing her intent to stay right there. Facing the inevitable reality that her mother (who has several health concerns) couldn’t live alone much longer, my friend OK'ed the trial run of living with her mom.

Things went fine for awhile, as mother and daughter generally get along. But my friend started to feel suffocated. Her teen children were in and out of the house, but her mom was, well, always there. It culminated when her mom walked in on her and her (adult) boyfriend having some private time and, well, you can imagine.

Everyone needs at least some time alone at home. Private time. Puttering time. Time to soak in the quiet or to blast the Supremes or Rolling Stones as loud as you want.

With kids afoot, parents manage this in a number of ways: play dates and sleepovers, summer camps, and, of course, school. For those sharing their home with elders, it’s far more challenging...  Read more

Barack Obama leaves the campaign trail to visit his sick grandmother and the reactions range from compassion to calling it a foolish decision at this stage of the presidential race.

You don’t have to be running for president to experience the emotional tension of juggling work, kids and the daily grind, with spending time with a sick elder. Anyone with a busy life and frail family members knows the pushes and pulls of wanting to be there for your relatives.

This juggling act is especially tough when your senior lives far from you. Visting an elder pretty much means putting your life on hold, be it campaigning, cramming food into lunch boxes, or collaborating with co-workers.

And while attention is on Barack Obama right now, these family-life-work balancing challenges are definitely nonpartisan. I’m sure John McCain has had his moments during this frenetic campaign, with seven kids and an elderly mom...  Read more

A few weeks ago I wrote about a frustrated friend whose mom dropped out of a memory class at the local senior center.

My friend had hoped her mother might gain real memory-enhancing skills from the class. She's pretty much the sole caregiver of her mother, who still lives in her own apartment (around the corner from my friend) -- but precariously. Her forgetfulness has become a safety concern. It’s also led to family tensions around her ability to manage her money and health. My friend's mom refused the class, saying, among other things, that her memory is just fine.

My friend was in despair -- she’s in constant search mode for small and easy ways to help her mom stay independent.

Update: It looks like another class has been successful for mother and daughter. Taking a different tact on memory issues, this class is about writing down important life information -- while you still can...  Read more

When you're caring for a family member, every once and a while a bit of advice comes along that really hits home. It simply and undeniably makes you feel better.

One of mine was about wiggling a chin.

I learned this lesson years ago while in a support group for parents of disabled or seriously ill kids (yes, I have one). But believe me, it applies to all family caregivers, regardless of who they're caring for, infant to elder. And, it applies to far more than chins.

Here goes: When the final straw is dropping, when you’re maxed out, when you’re overloaded: It’s OK to say no! And this really, truly doesn’t mean you’re unloving or uncaring. The opposite is true: Taking care of yourself helps you take care of others.

Here's the story. The woman who ran this support group is a psychologist and the mother of a disabled daughter -- a teen at the time. Her list of daily daughter-care tasks was long -- feeding, dressing, bathing, brushing teeth, and hair...  Read more

Last week, my kids' babysitter rushed outside yelling at me to follow. Had a child fallen off a scooter or out of the tree? Not this time. There on the sidewalk was my neighbor, an elderly woman suffering from terminal cancer. She’d collapsed while trying to take in the garbage can.

My babysitter, bless her heart, was lifting the woman up and saying soothing words in Spanish, both women's first language. The neighbor was OK. Frail and a little disoriented, but not hurt. Then her voice became urgent. Could we please not tell her daughter, with whom she lives, that she fell? Could we keep this a secret? She was worried, she said, that her daughter would move her to a nursing home or hospice, and all she really wants is to live her last days at home.

Wow. Talk about a poignant moment. I flashed back to a conversation I'd had more than a year ago with an expert on falling from the Centers from Disease Control (CDC) after the agency had released its annual fall statistics...  Read more

A recent discussion about adult diapers and humor caught my attention. In her blog, “The New Old Age,” New York Times writer Jane Gross reflects on a series of stories in Slate for what it calls its Geezer Issue or "Slate Goes Gray."

While appreciating some of the information in the series, Gross found a few articles offensive because they poke fun at aging. She was particularly bothered by a first-person review of adult diapers, written by a 27-year-old guy who admittedly had no experience with the products before being asked by Slate to do a test drive and write about it.

I’ve written about adult diapers a few times in this space. For many seniors and caregivers diapers are simply a necessary part of daily life. This includes writing about another diaper test drive, or in this case, a test drive threat. This was by the health minister of Ontario, Canada in a flap about the quality of care in state-run nursing homes...  Read more

A coincidence last week leads me to mention a new addition to Caring.com -- and one that’s already making a difference in at least one person’s life.

A close buddy’s step-dad, 84ish, went to the hospital with vague symptoms of tiredness and lower body pain. He was admitted and a couple of days later diagnosed with kidney cancer that had metastasized to his intestine and possibly other places. His prognosis is terminal.

This same week Caring.com launched a new feature: “To-Do” lists. These online checklists guide you through a variety of challenging caregiving situations including What to Do When a Loved One is First Diagnosed With Cancer, and What To Do When Someone Dies. A complete list is below.

My friend had never dealt closely with a cancer diagnosis. His main “job” is to support and steer his mother, who is caring for his step-dad. He lives far from them...  Read more