A Parent's Death Is Never Expected, Even When It Is
By Paula Spencer Scott, Caring.com senior editor
Neither of my parents died the way I expected they would. My mom went so quickly, just three weeks after a shocker cancer diagnosis, that I'm still absorbing the loss. Now, less than two years later, [my dad has also died] (http://www.caring.com/blogs/caring-currents/dementia-changes-people-but-people-they-still-are).
Like Mom, he had cancer (hers bladder, his renal), but also mid-stage dementia, and he'd been recovering from a stroke – so his passing is something I have to say I've been anticipating. Just not last week.
Then again, you never fully expect the death of someone close to you. Parents, having been around your entire life, seem like they'll always be around. They're fixtures -- even when, intellectually, you know better.
Dad's death, for example, snuck up on me despite the fact that he was in hospice. My siblings and I had enrolled him last month because he'd begun having pain at night that interfered with sleep. Given that his cancer was incurable, we wanted to involve good palliative care early so that, above all, he'd be comfortable. Yes, yes, I fully understand that when a person qualifies for hospice, he or she is thought to have six months or less to live. I knew there'd be no miracles here. Still, I believed that we were being proactive, calling in hospice "early." I fully expected Dad would be around for his birthday next week, November 19. Around for Christmas. Around for months and months yet, really.
Never mind that this lifelong bowler and golfer had spent all summer in a wheelchair, a sedentary scene hard to reconcile with the man who never sat still and who, at 87, had spent last Father's Day helping my brother paint. Hadn't he just been making jokes with my kids? Playing cribbage? Flirting with nurses? We all saw that his voice was more frail…he slept more often…he forgot card game rules…the swelling was increasing…and yet…
How quickly we reconcile ourselves to a new normal as someone close to us gets sicker. How resistant the mind to absorbing defeat! How absorbing the focus on the busyness of caring -- equal parts necessity and distraction.
Despite age and infirmity, parents lodge deep in the landscape of our psyches, forever figures, going nowhere.
No wonder the finality of death startles. Ironically, exactly one week before my Dad died, I posted a Caring.com piece called ["6 Reasons a Parent's Death Is a Special Kind of Loss"] (http://www.caring.com/articles/death-of-a-parent). I had no idea, when I wrote it, that my father was literally dying. (I wouldn't change a word.)
And now for "the slow patching of the dad-shaped hole he's left behind," as Caring.com senior medical editor and geriatrician [Leslie Kernisan] (http://www.caring.com/blogs/wise-care-for-older-patients) kindly wrote to me in a condolence note. Along with a mom-shaped hole and, a couple of years earlier, a beloved Gram-shaped hole, I'm feeling moth-eaten.
Expect the unexpected. Just don't expect it to be any easier whether you do or not.
it must be fine
One again, your idea is very good.thank you!very much.
Thank you for sharing! I wanted to share with you a book I wrote about dealing with death and end of life choices. I'm a Hospice Chaplain currently. I've also lost my parents. My website has a live forum where we all can connect and share our stories with each other. I just got the website put up and my book is available starting December. http://beforeduringandafterthebook.com/home.php Thank you! Stay strong and celebrate your parents teachings and life!
Paula, thank you for sharing. It's a reflection of many of my own feelings about what I've been through over the last three and a half months. My mother died five weeks ago, after a sudden change in her health. She'd been one to avoid seeing a doctor (refusing her children's requests for years) but I finally got her to a check up, at 79. The visible physical decline, the observable short-term memory loss concerns and then, after tests and scans, the leukemia (multiple myeloma) diagnosis. It was a relief to know and a stunning shift in outlook. Everything was moving and changing so fast; from the initial doctor visit to her death was nine weeks. She was 80 and I treasure being able to be there with her through those last few months. We opted for at home hospice care (since I'd been laid off and had moved in to help my Mom earlier this year) and it often seemed that I was watching myself go through all that needed to be done. I feel my mother's abscence but have great memories and photos to remind me of the loving, sacrificing and giving mother I had. I thank God for her and her example. Thanks Paula for putting to words what so many experience, I appreciate this site, it was a big help through my mother's care this year.
Hugs beatbreastcancer
Prayers beatbreastcancer
I am so sorry for your losses. I know what you're talking about. I had 6 months to "prepare" for my mom's passing following her cancer diagnosis, knowing that there was nothing anyone could do, and yet a little part of me was always clinging to the hope that we'd reach at least a year or more. I ignored the signs of what was inevitable out of self preservation and the pain and fear of losing her. Today it's been 4 months since my mom passed. I miss her more than words can say. May our loved ones rest in peace.
Hugs beatbreastcancer
Prayers beatbreastcancer
Hugs to all who have lost their loved ones.
Im sorry Paula. I lost my mom to the same Cancer 3 1/2 years ago and my dad just passed away from his Alzheimer's at the end of September. I think I can relate but the passing of someone so close is never the same for anybody. I was close to my parents as I am sure you were too. I hope you find peace. God Bless
Hugs beatbreastcancer
Prayers beatbreastcancer
Thank you all very much for yr kindnesses--
Hugs Emergency NP, beatbreastcancer, stormygrayskies
Prayers beatbreastcancer
You interviewed me last year, and I thoroughly enjoyed you. I am author of "Stuck in the Middle...shared stories and tips for caregiving your elderly parents". I work with large corporations to give essential information and emotional support to adult children caregivers. I often recommend you and caring.com. Bless you for all of your much needed work! BarbaraMcVicker.com
My dad also died suddenly, exactly 1 month after his cancer diagnosis (lung, but it had spread to his liver and bones), and exactly 1 week after his 59th birthday. We hadn't even had time to begin to absorb his diagnosis and he was dead! It took me 2 or 3 years to come to terms with it, but I've never really "gotten used to it"; I don't think you ever can. Now my mom has Alzheimer's, along with arthritis, fibromyalgia, degenerative and twisted sprine, macular degeneration, hearing troubles, weight problems. She worked so hard all her life, raising 6 kids far from her home and family (she was from Joliet, IL., and we were born and raised in Bellevue, KY.); she couldn't stand the heat (anything over 65 was too hot for her) yet we didn't have air conditioning until I was in my 20s, and I'm the youngest at 48. She never had strength or endurance, but has always had a deep well of determination, especially when it came to caring for her family. Now we care for her. We just celebrated her 83rd birthday yesterday (Nov. 9), and when she was out of the room, my oldest brother said "This is probably the last birthday she'll remember." I hoped her last years would be happy and comfortable ones, and she's suffering more pain and misery now than she ever did; sometimes I find myself thinking that I almost wish her suffering would end forever, but I can't imagine what life without Mom would be like for us. I'm crying as I write this, so I'm BEGGING everyone who reads this: make the time to spend time with your loved ones, especially your parents. You never know when you won't be able to do all the things you're planning to do "someday", and you'll regret it forever; I already do. God bless all of us who are dealing with our losses, and help us to bear the slow encroachment of a death we know is coming and can't prevent.
Hugs Kirtsch
Prayers stormygrayskies
I believe with all my heart that your parents are together again, strong, vibrant and loving you as much as they did before their departure. What a blessing it was for them to have such kind, passionately involved children. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. May you find peace and comfort and an assurance that they are not far away, that they remain deeply interested in you and will watch over you. God bless you for the work you do for this website and the many, many who stuggle with Alzheimers. CC
Hugs Emergency NP, beatbreastcancer