Finding yourself in Cancer World happens very suddenly. The doctor tells you it's cancer, and all of a sudden everything changes. How are you supposed to know, instantly, how to be supportive to a woman going through something this terrifying? I thought the best way to offer help to the husbands, other family members, partners, and friends who suddenly find themselves thrust into this role was to ask the cancer patients themselves what was most -- and least - helpful. Here are seven things women with breast cancer and their partners have discovered about what worked best when it came to supporting them through this ordeal.

1. Tell Her You'll Support Whatever She Decides. Breast cancer involves endless decisions; lumpectomy and radiation or mastectomy? Some women elect to have a bilateral mastectomy (both breasts removed) so they feel safer. These decisions can be really scary for a woman to talk to her partner about. No one expects you to be a medical expert; where you can be the most help is as a "sounding board." Listen to everything she says, help her weigh the pros and cons, but let her make the decisions, while making it clear you'll be behind her 100 percent. The only exception to this is if you think she's erring on the side of risk-taking because she's afraid of your reaction. In other words, if she's resisting a mastectomy even though the doctor advises it because she's afraid you'll find her less attractive, this is where you can step in and be pushy. Tell her that her safety is paramount and you feel strongly that she not take unnecessary risks where her life and future are concerned.

2. Talk to Her Openly About Her Breasts And Their Role in Your Sex Life. If your wife decides to have a mastectomy or double mastectomy, chances are she's terrified about how you'll react to her changed body. And you, and only you, can reassure her that you'll still find her attractive. Trust me on this, guys, you may think it's obvious that your loved one's health is all that really matters, but she needs to hear it -- and will probably need to keep hearing it many, many times over the next few years. As one woman put it, "Even when you know in your heart that a bilateral mastectomy is the thing to do, there's still the shock and maybe a little anger at what it looks like when you first take the bandages off. Be there to listen or hug her when that comes." This is a situation where anticipation may well be worse than reality and things will get better once time begins its healing action. Your job is to help time along by making her feel loved and sexy, even when you're both trying to get used to the scars.

3. Don't Let Her Go to Appointments Alone. No matter how self-reliant or brave she tries to be, no matter how many times she says "no, you don't need to bother," don't be conned. Going to a cancer appointment alone is no fun. "I told my wife early on that this condition may be in her body, but that it's really something that affects both of us - she's not going to be going through this alone. I have been to every single appointment with every doctor with her just so that I can help with the decision making," one husband told me."Our wives are understandably freaked out by the diagnosis, and we just need to be there for reassurance and support."

4. Anticipate When She Can't Do Something and Help Or Change Things So She Can Do Them Herself. "After surgery, I couldn't lift my arms for a long time, so I couldn't reach anything in high cupboards," a friend who's a breast cancer survivor told me. "I'm very independent, so it really bothered me to ask for help. My friends moved everything down onto lower shelves, so I could reach things myself, put my favorite shoes by the door, set up a table by the bed, so I could reach everything from there. It made such a big difference."

5. Be The "Forward Guard" and Protect Her From Questions, Calls, and E-mails. When it comes to communication, everyone's different, but many women find themselves getting sucked into "taking care" of everyone else's reactions when they need to focus on taking care of themselves. This is where a partner can step in and be the gatekeeper. "I've been trying to guard her from too much information and from an overwhelming number of "how are you's" and "be strong" e-mails," says one husband. " She loves all the notes and e-mails, but just can't stand to cry once more from the outpouring of love and support, so I read them to her and answer them for her."

6. Combat Side Effects Fiercely and Make Sure She Gets Proactive Care. For some reason, it's sometimes hard for cancer patients to get their medical teams to take side effects like nausea, nerve damage, pain, and fatigue as seriously as they should. Many cancer patients encounter a sort of "you'll get through it eventually," blase attitude when they try to get help, perhaps because doctors and nurses have seen it all before, and tend to focus more on big picture issues like survival. But when you're too exhausted to get out of bed, too sick to eat, or your feet blister and you can't walk, you need help right then, in the moment. Your job? You're the advocate, the fierce protective papa bear. Don't let the nurse or doctor off the phone until they've answered all your questions and suggested something concrete to help. Your weapons? Lots of questions that begin with "What can we do about...." and "Isn't there something available for...."

7. Don't Expect Everything to Be Fine Right Away. Even the "well adjusted" cancer patient who thinks she's doing great is going to have some tough days. And delayed reactions are common. Many women steel themselves to handle hair loss and feel strong until they first try on a wig, or lose their eyebrows. One woman I know told me she thought she was fine with losing her breast until one night, months after surgery, when she dreamed she had her old body back and woke in tears, then was in tears on and off for days afterward. Hang in there, for as long as it takes. Help her choose pretty head scarves, buy her some new eye makeup, reassure her that flat is sexy, tell her how beautiful she looks -- over and over again.