Elders Keep Falling a Secret for Fear of Losing Independence

about 1 month ago

I can attest to the notion that our parents fear losing their independence. I have a 94 year old father with frontal lobe dementia and TIA's ( mini strokes) who lives at home alone on 4 acres. He has fallen several times. This week he climbed a 12 foot ladder, climbed on the roof, in the rain to clean out the gutters. Last January he had a TIA while his care-giver was with him, and never said one word about how he was feeling. An hour after she left, I called him and he was quite upset. I drove to his home. He told me that he had numbness on his right side, blurred vision, dizziness and weakness in both legs. His care-giver asked him if he wanted to go to the lake and feed the ducks. He said, "Yes". They went to the lake and he had to navigate many cement steps and a very rocky trail to where the ducks were. He told me, "I don't know how I ever did it without falling, I was so scared." I asked him if he told his care-giver how he was feeling and he said, "No, it was none of her damn business!" I took my father to the E.R and we were there for 4 hours while the doctor did tests to see if he had suffered another TIA. He had. The doctor told him he needed to be in assisted living now, and to consult with his primary care physician about living some where else. We went to his primary care physician the next day and he told Dad that if he did not go to assisted living that he needed a roommate full time at his home. Dad refused. By the way he does have the right to refuse as long as he is not conserved. I have spoked to APS on several occasions and that is what I have learned. I have also consulted with attorney's that specialize in the legal rights of seniors. All of Dad's medical providers have told him he needs a long term health care plan that he is willing to implement. As his agent for his health care, I have applied with him on his behalf to the Veteran's Home in Yountville, California. It is on 500 acres, is the best kept secret in the USA for Veteran's to live. We have made several visits there and he leaves liking the food, the friendly residents and the beauty of the grounds that are surrounded by vineyards and a 9 hole golf course they can play on M-Th without charge. It is amazing. This notion of a possible move down the road to the Veteran's Home has frightened my father and sister, who lives out of state so much that he has hired a law firm to come after me, so he can remain at his home. I had to hire an attorney just to protect myself, and at this point, have two women how check on my dad each day and stay for 2 hours. Fear and loss of control over my father's life has made his behavior change drastically. APS has visited him and will visit him again and suggest that he stop writing checks to various fraudulent companies. We have removed all of the loaded guns from the house and they are locked up at our house. It has been suggested the we remove all of the ladders from his property. We have not done that yet because he will probably purchase more ladders. My father is a maverick. I just want to keep him safe and happy. He is alone and isolated. It does not matter how good our intentions are for our parents, if they fear change, they will dig in their heals and hang on for dear life to what is familiar to them. I need to keep my health. I still have many years of life left. There is a line between letting our parent finish their journey of life where they feel safe, even if they are not safe, the law, and our desire to see to it that they are safe by providing what seems reasonable given our parents health problems. I wish all of the care-givers out there in the world the strength to know what our limitations are, and be able to say, "I will have no attachment to the outcome of anything, everything in life happens for a reason, it is what it is and it is my journey, or it is their journey". After weighing all of the facts, making sure that I am acting within the confines of the law, providing dad's "law firm" with documentation from all of his medical providers what they believe is in his best interest, I am stepping back, taking slow deep breaths and letting him finish his journey where he wants to be. I need to do this for my health. Joan Nelson