My mother's growing needs are putting a strain on my marriage, and I find myself wondering which will fall apart first -- her, my marriage, or me. What can I do?
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- ID:
- 11523
- First Published:
- 25-Apr-2008
- Last updated on
- Monday April 28, 2008
Posted by %span.user= comment.user ? link_to_user(comment.user) : "Anonymous" about 1 month ago
I really think you should take your husbands advice and get a part-time caregiver for your mom and go back to work. You, in my opinion, should NEVER leave your Moms side if you can help it . You should make sure she is taken care of no matter what. After all, that IS where you came from. BUT> surely, your Mom will understand your life MUST go on, and so you need to try and work things out. If you explain to your Mom she will get used to whoever it is taking care of her---and she can help you make the choice of WHO it is---I am sure everything will work out. And...don't forget to pray about it--God can do anything, were as we are very limited sometimes. And don't forget somewhere inbetween all this family, to make time for YOU> THINK POSITIVE> K
Posted by %span.user= comment.user ? link_to_user(comment.user) : "Anonymous" about 1 month ago
Make this the reason that you plan for the eventuality of needing care. Don't do to your children what your mother has put your through. Plan early. Save. Invest. Insure.
Posted by %span.user= comment.user ? link_to_user(comment.user) : "Anonymous" about 1 month ago
This is so tough when you feel two sides tugging at you who are in the middle. Sometimes there are definite drawbacks to being able to see both sides of a situation - makes it even harder for you to "pick a side" when you know both of them are hurting. I would agree with most of the advice, except I don't believe anything is to be gained by telling Mom that you "need to put your marriage FIRST." There's no need to make her feel that she is somehow a second-class citizen in your affections. Simply tell her that you've been spending so much time with her that -- as much as you love those times together -- other family members aren't getting their needed share of your attention, and that you have responsibilities to them also. And as much as we hate to think about it, our time with anyone is not guaranteed on this earth. It's logical to think that your Mom deserves most of your attention since her health is not good. But loved ones are taken from our lives for many reasons -- sometimes abruptly. You'd be just as devastated to find that you had denied some last moments with your husband or children because you just assumed they would be here long after your mother is gone. That realization makes it easier for me to balance my attentions when I'm tempted to give all my free time to only one person.
Posted by %span.user= comment.user ? link_to_user(comment.user) : "Anonymous" 2 months ago
Very good advice! I hope Mother Jackie follows it right now and can make some progress in getting her marriage "back on track". Her story is similar in some ways to my situation, except that we had to take in my husband's 87 year old mother in, after she fell and had her shoulder replaced. I wish I would have heeded the above great advice 2 years ago when we moved her in to our home. We have been married now for almost 18 years and unfortunately, have grown apart. This started happening 2 years ago, shortly after becoming her caregivers. I still have strong feelings of anger, frustration, resentment and wish for the way things were a few years ago. We don't have the finances for counseling or for increasing the caregiver's current 4 hours a week. I know I need to have another big "talk" with my husband, but am dreading it very much, as the first one about his mom, ended in an emotional and heated argument...our 1st one in 17 years. I do try to do things for my sanity when I can, but I still feel like an unhappy prisoner in my own home. I know we have a responsibility to take care of our ailing parents, but where is the semi-happy medium?? (I work 40-50 hours myself and also have my own parents that are close to 80 yrs. old. My husband lost his dad and older brother, before his mom had her bad fall, so he does not have any family support, other than from me.) I do belong to a caregiver's support group that meets twice a month, which has helped me to vent among others that are going through similar feelings and caregiving situations.
Posted by %span.user= comment.user ? link_to_user(comment.user) : "Anonymous" 2 months ago
Thank you for the advice. My mother requires a lot of attention and I need the support to keep my husband first when I can.