Last updated:
11-Mar-2008
Alzheimer's Caregivers' #1 Challenge
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My mother has Alzheimer's, but I don't really feel grief stricken at the moment. She is reletively happy and can be very funny. She is 85 and her life has been and is quite hard, so I don't feel sad that she is missing out. She is living in the present only and it's not so painful. As she deteriorates, it will become much harder I'm sure. My husband who is 61 also has Alzheimers and that is a completely different situation. I often find myself breathless with grief. It is agony to watch him disappear while at the same time, trying to help him bear the tragedy of it.
Yes the hardest part is when the person you call Mother no longer knows who you are. At times I'm so overcome with grief I just sit and stare and wonder what the next hour, minute is going to uncover. If Mother is feeling any pain, is she hungry, but tells me no. Says she needs to find her friends because they will worry about her. Some days the anger would weld up inside me and I keep thinking this is not right, my Mother doesn't deserve this. Then come the days when there is little or no response at all. This is very hard for me. I'm numb at times, the desire to stop and rewind hits hard , if only it were so easy.
The study does jibe with my experience. My mother passed away in 2004. The last two things she couldn't do were 1) swallow then 2) breathe. The long-term, slow grief over a 4 year period (from 2000 - 2004) took a tremendous toll on me (only child - -sole care giver). Reflecting on my own journey, I cannot put into words the sorrow I felt when I walked in her room one day and realized her "soul" was no longer there - - it wasn't my Mom living in that body; but Vesta (her name). There were some days when I could only check with the staff and spend 15 minutes with her; the pain was so intense and she had no clue who I was. Undirected anger was certainly an emotion I frequently felt; I couldn't be angry at anyone - - but I was angry/hurt/sad. My Mom had Alzheimers; I had the pain.