When someone moves in with you, it creates a sea change in your relationship. You're now the primary caretaker and decision-maker, not your older relative.

It's an opportunity for your entire family to reassess current rules, decide which ones work, and make new ones where necessary. If everyone is willing to adapt and compromise, you can create household rules that work for the entire family and give your older relative a chance to adjust gracefully to his new dependent role.

These are some of the issues:

• Will he be able to adjust to the loss of some of the independence and perhaps the space and privacy he's used to?
• Will he respect your values with regard to your children and how you live your life?
• If he smokes or drinks, is that going to be a problem in your home?
• Will he respect the levels of cleanliness and orderliness you're comfortable with in your home?
• Does he have a pet you're taking in? If so, will he respect your boundaries with regard to pet behavior and cleanliness?

Some older adults adjust to their dependent role easily. Others fight it, or are depressed or angered by it. In the case of a parent, will he accept your assistance? Will you be thrust back into your old role of son or daughter, with your parent constantly telling you what to do? Will he make you feel as though you never get it right and can never do enough to satisfy his needs? If so, you may just grin and bear it. Or you could take this as an opportunity to set some new boundaries and forge a new relationship.