When someone moves in with you, it creates a sea change in your relationship. You're now the primary caretaker and decision-maker, not your older relative.
It's an opportunity for your entire family to reassess current rules, decide which ones work, and make new ones where necessary. If everyone is willing to adapt and compromise, you can create household rules that work for the entire family and give your older relative a chance to adjust gracefully to his new dependent role.
These are some of the issues:
- Will he be able to adjust to the loss of some of the independence and perhaps the space and privacy he's used to?
- Will he respect your values with regard to your children and how you live your life?
- If he smokes or drinks, is that going to be a problem in your home?
- Will he respect the levels of cleanliness and orderliness you're comfortable with in your home?
- Does he have a pet you're taking in? If so, will he respect your boundaries with regard to pet behavior and cleanliness?
Some older adults adjust to their dependent role easily. Others fight it, or are depressed or angered by it. In the case of a parent, will he accept your assistance? Will you be thrust back into your old role of son or daughter, with your parent constantly telling you what to do? Will he make you feel as though you never get it right and can never do enough to satisfy his needs? If so, you may just grin and bear it. Or you could take this as an opportunity to set some new boundaries and forge a new relationship.
My 80 years old dad is in nursing home due to the fact, I am physically could not taking care of him completely. I feel terrible as things happened around. I just could only come and visit him once a day. I tried different shift and I learn the most valuable shift I could do for him is night shift. Right before he went to bed. Why? I can feed him my home made food in case he miss a meal, I am making sure and check things before the end of the day as less staffs service at the time. Then, the next morning, everything will be handle properply. That make it like he has been taken care of around the clock. _And his health and his mood showing that.
My beloved grandmother and I always lived together, she took care of me when I was a little girl, I took care of her even after having my own son, I promised her at the age of 4 that I would always take care of her and did until the day she died. My grandmother was 90, she died at home with me and my son, just as I had always prayed, that she have a beautiful pain free passing. She wasn't even my biological grandmother and I loved her and will always love her until the day I day. I never even considered placing her in a facility.
Oh, there is NEVER a time not to be there for your parents. TRUST ME. Ignore what they say, they only know one thing, but we as their children know when they are in trouble, PLEASE, don't take, ( I'm ok,) they are not.
My Mom and i were inseperable, my father had a decline 3 years prior to his death and my brother was terminally ill. I have one other brother. Being single and 48 at that time i moved my best friend mom in with me, but that qucikly changed as i knew i made a mistake. Mom is a healthy 72 year old, i had a boyfriend and she was very jealous of that relationship. It is hard to come home to someone everyday who has been there alone all day, not willing to make friends find something to do with her time other than clean the house, i felt uncomfortable in my own home. My mom has filet migon taste , hamburger pocket book. Things got really bad and i said and did things i want to take back . We have just made up and started a relationship up again she is now living with my brother who told her from the get go you have six months to save money and be on your own. Due to her financial situation, she lost her house....spend,.....spend....spend. I felt so bad for her when my father passed, then my oldest brother only one year after to the day. it has been a hard four years, but she is seeing now she needs her own space too, I have told my daughter and son in law do not ever move me in with you. The burden is huge.
Such a sensitive topic! We chose to have my elderly, physically-challenged in-laws move into our home, thinking the stay would be short-term. The short-term stay lasted six years! The first year was a honeymoon phase, where the little quirks and foibles were amusing, but as time passed, the family learned to draw on our various strengths and to lean on each other in order to get through the days. My husband and I learned quickly that a dry sense of humor is a MUST for this living arrangement. My father-in-law has since passed away and my mother-in-law had a massive stroke, forcing her to be in round-the clock care. Our years together were tough, but we wouldn't have had it any other way, and certainly encourage families to consider co-habiting before moving the elderly into nursing care. I've captured our years together in my book, Slightly Dented Halos, available through Amazon.com.
One more things about my in-laws....I was angry when I was writing the last comment....whew! Now that they are in assisted living, I enjoy our visits with them again and my husband and I are doing better too.... I felt really bad for my husband, but he agreed we needed to move them out...my father in law's condition was too complicated to have him in the house. Nice ending to horrible story!!
I used to love my mother in law and enjoyed our visits with her until my Father in law got sick. My husband and i have been married for 22 years and for 22 years I have adored this lady. We moved them into our home after my FIL got sick and now I can't even stand to be in the same room with her....I hate her!!! So if you get along with your inlaws, DON'T MOVE THEM INTO YOUR HOUSE. IT WILL SABOTAGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP. I used to enjoy our 1 hour visits with them in their home and at times she would get a little annoying, but I knew it was only a visit and we'd be out of there in no time....something to ponder.....
I never had a chance, to care for my mother which was both mother and father. She died of cancer, she was 62 yr's old, but if she was still here today! I WOULD GLADLY MOVE HER IN WITH ME. Even thou we disagreed about everything.
I THINK THAT MOVING YOUR PARENTS WITH YOU IS THE BEST IDEA YOUR PARENTS COME ONE TIME IN LIFE HONOR THEM LOVE EVERY MINUTE HAVING THEM REMENBER THEY WERE THERE FOR OUR FRIST EVERYTHING IN LIFE BE THERE FOR THEM GOD BLESS.
If they were still alive, YES. No question or discussion!!!
You may give up most things by having an aging parent move in with you, but I feel blessed,,,,some days more than others, but always blessed.
I believe that when a parent is in need of assistance because their health has failed, the children should always care for that parent, whatever the circumstances are. When we were born, our parents had no choice but to care for us. Feed us, cloth us, take us back and forth to school, all those things necessary to care for growing children. It is only right for the child to take care of the parent when they become ill, not throw them in some nursing facility for them to get beat or mishandled. Caring for a loved one should come naturally, but when people throw their loved ones into a nursing facility, it shows the love a person REALLY have for their parent. They had to raise us, and we should be their for them in their time of need. It shouldn't be a question, throwing your parents away is selfish and thoughtless.
I will never allow my Mom to live in a nursing home, Heard very bad things about nursing homes, My Mom gave birth to me and took care of me from the day I was born till the day I got married, I will have my Mom live with me with pleasure and will take care of her as she did with me!!!!!
My Mom took care of me from the day I was born, till I got married, If I have to take my Mom to live with me, I will do so with pleasure, no questions ask!!!!!
my question is, i am 64 retired last year. i have relocated to texas to live with my daughter. she works full time and goes to school 1-nite a week, and is going thru a divorce. i take care of my 5yr. old grandson 24/7, including weekends when she goes away, and goes out to party. i recieve s.s. and pay on my car, and insurance, and internet/phone bill. i contribute to groceries, when i can. my daughter says because i live here, and she is paying my rent, she shouldn't have to pay me for taking care of her son, and i have dinner made for her when she comes home from work. is this true? i feel like i should get paid for being a nanny to the little one, i home school him also. i am on no meds, and in good health.
My older brother use to look after mother, then he became ill, so I was forced to pretty much take her in with me. She was in another state w/my brother, He since passed away. So for the last 5 1/2 yrs she has been living with me, I retired to hopefully have some freedom to do things retires do, But that was not the case, mother is 94 and get around fair, still takes care of her personal hygeine. But my freedom has long since been gone, my husband and I do not do anthing for ourselfs, I am 71+, and feel trapped no family here to help, she does go to daybreak 3 days aweek, but still not enough time away from each other and us to be able to have a life, I don't and wont recommend it for anyone, but do as you must. Financially not able to have people come to stay while we have a weekend to oourself, When I get to that point I told my kids, to not take me in there homes, I want to go to assisted living and not put a burdon and them and there familys.
No matter how hard it was, my brother and I could not put our mother into a home. We both took care of her. We do not regret anything.
We did not ask to be born into this life, as we know it. However, we are here. AS a child, we needed help from someone and it was Mom or Dad who was there. AS we age and our state of mind changes, we need our love ones to remember that it's our turn to be helped with things we can no longer do for ourselves. My Mom stayed in her home, where she felt safe and loved. WE should not move them to a place of displacement. A home unknown to them. I know it's hard to make such a discision, when it comes to our parents and love ones. So, truely deeply, please think of how or where YOU want to be at your end of days. Peace Be Unto You, Juice
I have moved my mom in my home and she wears a an alert necklace when I am working or out of the house. She is 95 and in good physical health and excellent mental health. We have always been close and she is fun to have around. She helps with the mortgage and utility bills and is very aware of my personal space. However, I am not a nurse and am not good with illness, so I plan to hire help when the time comes.
Your financial estimates for assisted living are way too low. In southern California, I estimate an average minimum per person at $45,000 to $55,000.
There is only so much one can do. After that, the issue will be a false sense of guilt. Don't let a manipulative parent use you. Children remember, you are not responsible for the consequences of the passage of time. Do what you can, but don't put yourself in a spot where your life is now on unlimited hold! I know whereof I speak.
Only if they have plenty of money....oh and really old. Plus a really high fever is a bonus.
When my mother was told she had lung cancer the first thing she said was that she wanted to stay in her own home & did not want to go into a nursing facility. Everyyone of us 10 children wanted her to move in with them but she said she knew it would be the wrong decision for us & for her. My younger brother & his wife offered to move in with our Mother & take care of her when she could no longer take care of herself. This was acceptable for all concerned & the rest of us went to her home to visit with & take care of her on the weekends this gave our broher & his wife time to do what they wanted to or needed to do. This worked quite well for our family. Our Mother stayed in her home until the end & each of us had a feeling that we contributed to her being able to do so. Our Mother had a wonderful sense of humor & each of us loved her dearly she also got along with everyone of her daughter inlaws & all of the son inlaws were close to her. She always did everything in her power to make us feel special & will always be remembered & missed by every member of our family.
Unlike most comments, I am a 74 year old male who will be moving from my own paid for home into the house I sold to a son a while back. This was at my son's invitation. I had given this move a lot of thought, and in the end since my mind is sound and I am physically mobile and more or less still active, I think it will work out. It is the future that concerns me, but no one that I know ever went off the deep end in their old age in my family.
I really do understand about this heart-tugging issue. I have my father living in a nursing home facilty. I am practically homeless myself, and I know this was best for him and since he has lost alot of memory, I can't trust him alone. Financially, even if I was able to live with him, it not easy to afford around the clock assistance. I send you all hugs for the courage to make the best choice for your loved one! Providence will provide!
Moving an aging adult into my home was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. My 87 year old mother-in-law moved in with my husband and I 6 years ago. It has not been an easy road. Although she is physically independent for now, we see the slow decline both physically and mentally. We both still work and it is becoming more stressful each day leaving her alone. I am so afraid she is going to fall or worse yet start a fire or something. When do you know when it's time to get daily help? We struggle with these decisions.
I wish I had read this, or talked openly with my husband before moving my mother out of my sister's condo into our house. She does not want to make new friends where we live, and she did not want to stay in her own house. It is a huge burden on us to try to be her "everything."
gordanlarry, How can your 90 year old Mom have a choice if she has bad health? Can't you tell her she is going in a home? It's time to think of yourself now.
I agree...we moved my 90 yr old mother in our home...we really never got along..she was thrown out of her apt complex that she moved in after selling her home. I am in tears alot and she refuses to consider a nursing home. She is in terrible health...what can I do...she needs to move out for everyones health...Some on help me. gleewill@yahoo.com
Good article! Wish I would have read it 2 years ago before agreeing to move my 87 yr. old mother-in-law in to our home after her husband and older son passed away. Anyone thinking about caring for their elders should read this article and really think long and hard about all your good points that you bring up.