Why Giving Up the Car Keys Is Such a Loaded Issue for Your Aging Parents

Quick summary

For many older people, giving up the car isn't simply a practical matter -- it's a tectonic shift in existence. To be unable to drive when and where they please is a blow to their independence, their autonomy, and their fundamental sense of themselves. Understanding where your parents are coming from will help you more effectively support them through this important life change.

Adjusting your own attitude

To a casual observer, it may not seem like a matter of much consequence when an elderly person has to give up driving. Sure, it's an inconvenience, but beyond the logistical headaches, what's the big deal?

If this is your attitude when you initiate a discussion with your parents about driving issues, you may be in for a surprise. You're likely to find that your parents have a powerful negative reaction when you raise the issue and that they resist giving up the car -- even if it seems obvious to you that the time has come.

More than just a way to get around

To avoid a head-on collision with your parents, it's important to consider what being able to drive means to them and the symbolic meaning cars hold in our culture. Simply put, driving represents power, independence, and self-sufficiency. Many men associate driving with virile masculinity; for women, the car provides a measure of self-sufficiency and personal power. In fact, driving an automobile is often equated with adulthood.

For most people, driving also plays a important role in essential life passages -- whether it's getting their first car, driving away from their wedding reception under a shower of rice, bringing a new baby home from the hospital, or teaching their teen to drive.

Thinking from their perspective

Before initiating a discussion with your parents, put yourself in their shoes for a moment. Let's say you developed a serious vision problem and your doctor said you'd never drive again. Imagine the practical problems you'd face, from how to get to that dinner party tonight to how to get to your doctor appointment next week. Beyond the thorny logistical problems, imagine how helpless and dependent you'd suddenly feel.

One of many losses

Remember also that this is just one of many losses your elderly parents are facing. Their careers are behind them, their children are grown, many friends and close relatives are dying of old age, and their health is increasingly fragile. They know that it's a matter of time before they lose the ability to live on their own. When you consider it in this light, it's easy to see that giving up the car could seem like yet another assault on their sense of themselves.

In his book How to Say It to Seniors, geriatric specialist David Solie points out that in the face of all this loss, elderly people have a strong impulse to rigidly control all the areas of life that they still can. This impulse is likely to come into play when you talk to your parents about driving, and could ignite strong resistance to giving up the car.

Driving makes a difference

Even if you're convinced that giving up the car will be only a minor inconvenience for your parents, consider these findings: A study by researchers at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine found that elderly people who were able to drive were less likely to enter long-term care facilities than those who gave up driving or had never driven at all. Nondrivers, on the other hand, had four times the risk of long-term care entry that drivers did.

And don't forget that this transition in your parents' life is likely to be hard on you, too. The decision to give up driving often marks the point in time when an adult child begins to take on the role of caregiver. As your parents lose their mobility, they'll become increasingly dependent, and whether you live near them or far away, you'll probably have to become more involved in their care.

What you can do

As difficult as giving up the car is likely to be for your parents, it is probably inevitable at some point -- although you can take steps to keep your parents behind the wheel for as long as it's safe for them and others. In the meantime, here's what you can do:

• Discuss the issue openly. If your parents are elderly, and even if they don't have driving problems, it's a good idea to initiate a discussion sooner rather than later, so the topic won't take them by surprise if it becomes urgent.
• Listen to how they feel. Let them talk -- without interrupting them -- about their assessment of their own driving abilities and their apprehensions about giving up their car.
• Make a plan. Work with your parents to help them develop short- and long-range plans regarding driving. A short-range plan could involve, for example, a refresher driving course and an appointment with the eye doctor to make sure vision isn't a problem. A long-range plan could include a tentative agreement about how to handle driving as their health deteriorates, plus strategies for alternative housing and transportation, if needed.

In the end, understanding why giving up driving is such a loaded issue for your parents -- and for you -- won't necessarily make the decisions any easier, but it will give you insight into their experience and help you face this challenging time together.