When Severe Dementia Caregiving Is Too Much

One additional suggestion: move. Action leads behavior. Walking, cleaning, doing laundry, anything to get your mind free of the depressing thoughts. Pray for help. Be grateful. Sometimes you can't reach anybody so you have to help yourself until the feelings pass.

thank you again youngest daughter - your words bring me comfort! I think you are spot on, I think she is trying to look as though she cares for her mother but using it as a guise to hit out at us! best regards to all of us doing this heart rending work!

Just sharing here is a great outlet. I read of others feelings, I understand & hope when they read mine maybe it helps. There are those who are the only one in their person of needs life. I think they have it the hardest because they devote everything they have as this person goes slowly and finally the caretaker is left with an empty definition life & purpose. The caretakers who have "opposition" from other family members at least have a reality anchor, they reassess through others ludicrousness. We have four who share in taking care of Mom, 2 daughters, a granddaughter & hirer help. We keep a simple notebook & share some things there. We help each other reason at times. I print off stuff from here & we discuss. I understand darkrainn98's views & hope her tour has ended. It's very ok to let go. Mam's aide, I get her too. There is no legal / moral balance. How could there be with motivations like greed & shame? Your s-i-l has shame and compensates with activities that makes her "look caring." Poor her if she gets the gene! Use the legal system to your benefit, ignore her as much as you can & drag it out. Remember, you are doing ~ she's just talking, you are not going to "win" in her world, or change her. You are right by your actions. Miss RitaB, bless your heart. I change hats you do doors, both helps with boundaries. I get living in the grayness, did you ever think this would be your life? You see people & they ask "What are you doing now?", "Taking care of my Mom." They can't relate, "Oh still? That's nice, how is she doing?", "Well just a smidgen less than yesterday, but better than tomorrow!" Daunting, she's not getting better. Stay with it ladies & gents, love them & love us. Accept our love back to your heart, big hug!

I try to do all the three things mentioned in the artcile, and it helps. The feeling is of a soft and grey sensation pervading everything, but sharing my situation with a few others and trying to give rewards also to myself helps a lot. I also try to "open and close doors" in my mind to appreciate the good moments.

oh boy, do I understand how you feel!!! I've been looking after my m-i-l for 7 years now. I have come to the end of my rope too. Mom is in the late advanced stages and each morning I look to see if she has died in her sleep. It seems to me it would be so much kinder if she did as her life is little more than eating (with difficulty) and sleeping. That part isn't the worst for us . . .it's my husband's sister . . she is working hard to make our lives as difficult as possible. Taking mom to court, taking us to court, reporting us to the building department resulting in a violation and more court fees and more. The sad thing is that she tells lies and the lawyers believe her. She doesn't really care about visiting her mother - has been invited to do so many. many times but only 'drops in' for 20mins or so twice a year. then tells the lawyers and the court that we don't let her see her mother. and she refuses to have her mother in her home! I can't go on much longer, she is taking every opportunity to make our lives as difficult as possible, not looking after her mother or helping out in any way. she has frittered away over $100,000 of mom's money in court cases. Now there is none left. If mom knew what she was doing she would go apoplectic. There has to be something we can do to get her off our backs.

Opening my feelings to a non-judgemental friend.

Ppl who havent been there have no way of knowing what this disease does to the person and to the caregiver. Recently I've had to start feeding mother bc she isnt strong enough to do so herself. I've been changing her pullups for many months now, i guess im used to that. but when you sit & hand feed your mother, lemme tell you it is emotionally crushing!!! I was sitting there feeding her thinking "i cannot believe im doing this". I dont know what it is abt that, but when she was finsihed eating i wanted to go in bdrm get a gun & walk out on the deck & blow my damn brains out. That is an emotional hurt, i dont know quite how to explain. Spent last night in the ER w her bc when homehealth came to ck on her her blood pressure was 223/145.. they put her back on blood pressure meds. Im not having the suggested CT scan of her lungs (bc of the mass they found during an xray) because she simply wants to die, so i dont see the point. C'mon doc, she's been smoking since she was 9yrs old, im mental, but im not stupid, nor are you... is what id like to say. Noone understands.. they can tell you they do, those are ppls fav famous words, but they dont. They may understand due to the feelings they have taking care of loved ones, but in that moment, that one desperate moment noone understands but the person thinking it. All im here for is to make her stay as comfortable as possible when all is said & done. Dementia/Alzh is a very wicked cruel disease and thats all i can say. Thank you for listening.