What to say to the doctor
It can be helpful to call the person's doctor before the evaluation. He or she can't give you information without HIPAA authority to do so, but the doctor can receive information from you. Assume the doctor will tell the patient that you called; if you're not comfortable with that, mention it.
Give honest, detailed observations. Say, "I know you can't talk to me about Mom's condition, but let me fill you in on what's going on." Note the frequency and timing of accidents, the nature of the trouble (needing to go a lot, or not getting to the commode on time), what else is going on at the time (do accidents happen in public, at night, when the person can't physically get to the bathroom fast enough?).
Share insights into the person's conflict-coping style. Especially if it's a new doctor for the patient, explain how receptive the person is likely to be, and how he or she has tended to react to advice in the past -- with denial, anger, acceptance. This provides clues that fuel a better-prepared conversation.
Ask for a preview. Ask, "How do you usually deal with this? What might you suggest?" That gives you a chance to read up on the therapies or otherwise prepare yourself in advance.
In some cases, it works to attend the evaluation and have this discussion in front of your relative, in a casual and respectful way. This minimizes the risk of appearing to go behind his or her back.
