6 Things Not to Say to Someone With Breast Cancer

Thought the article was helpful. Very afraid of cancer; been without my mother for 31 years now. I was young and never knew what to say or how my mom was really feeling as she tried to hide all the pain and emotions from me. When she passed away... I was in denile and it still hurts to this day. My oldest and very dear sister-in-law is fighting this illness now. I love her and pray for a full recovery.

What should one do when they have no support system to deal with breast cancer? My husband and adult son do not have any empathy and consider my disease a burden. I do not want to be that to them or to anyone. I do not know where to turn. I have some financial resources so should I go to a nursing home for support? What do you suggest. I know i will have to leave my home soon.

The worst thing I heard after I got Breast Cancer was that my Cancer was not as bad as someone's that they knew. How awful. All cancers are bad.

It is wrong for this article to be only for people with breast cancer. There are many people with illnesses that are invisible. The best thing would be to remain a long term friend. I ended up with 1 true friend. I belive it says alot about people.

perky.chemo may be the hardest thing you will ever go thru but trust in the doctors, they will know when enough is enough and how much your body can handle at which pont they will stop the chemo.

As a man that has sufferd thru breast cancer now for the third time but a 15 year surviver I thank you for ips on how to deal.

Update on me got through a lumpectomy stage 2 carcinoma,now i have got back clear ctscan and body scan was told no cancer found. now i'm faced with agressive chemo don't understand this. now I'm hearing all you have to do is be strong...Don't people relize your body can only take so much as well as your mind. I'm physically well from the surgery and I'm doing ok but I'm scared to death about the chemo and radiation. So I just wish people would be careful on what they say like chemo will drain you or you will loose your mind..What in the H--- do I want to hear all of that for. I have worked since I was 13 I have raised 4 children and have a lovin husband of 32 years so why would people be so cruel and say these awful things..Just wish they would pay attention to what they say. Its really hard to understand my cancer and the things I have seen and heard and if the day comes I hope I will be able to educate people on what not to say. Thanks for listening Love to you all! I'm so glad I am able to read your stories cause it truly helps me understand cancer.

I just wanted to tell someone. My mom is a breast cancer survivor for 15 years, who now suffers from Alzheimer's after the death of my dad in 2007. My mom's eldest sister is also a breast cancer survivor of 20 years, and sadly, she too suffers from Alzheimer's ( in the last stage), and now, my mom's youngest sister has breast cancer and today at 1:45pm she's going in to have a double mastectomy. She was involved in a car accident 18 years ago, and she's paralyed from the waist down. I feel like I'm on over load and don't know what to do next. I pray a lot and ask God to help me and bless my family. Just wanted to ask everyone to pray for me and my family. Thank you!

As I read through the point not to say and the comments agreeing and adding other beneficial "what not to says," it seems that many people have to deal with well-meaning people who don't think before they speak and don't know what to say. It may help you empower yourself by setting a boundary by cutting a person's comment off with, "I appreciate your concern, but I would prefer not to hear about it." Yes, people will get miffed, but you have to protect yourself, your sanity and your peace of mind, and not listen to clueless comments that do nothing to help you. It's very tough to set a boundary, but you are essentially teaching people what you do and DO NOT want. You want someone to listen to how you feel. You have to protect you and keep your energy for you, not to listen to someone else drone on and on about all the negative aspects of a situation or how someone else's outcome was less than positive. Cut off any unsolicited advice. If they are not comprehending what is important to you, then they can go learn life's lessons somewhere else. This sounds cruel, but why should you be the accommodating one? "Oh, yes, they mean well..." Frankly, listening to clueless comments would generate so much rage in me that I would want to avoid people completely. So why not just let them know right from the start what you'd prefer not to hear? I hope people understand what I'm trying to advocate. Save your energy for yourself. My prayers/positive thoughts are with you.

Why does this article only refer to breast cancer? It is useful and relevant for any cancer ! I am so sick of "breast cancer awareness" month; is there anyone who is NOT aware of breast cancer? This is really a good article, which would have been even better if it had spoken about cancer in general.

My heart goes out to the Niece who is really trying to encourage and be there for her Aunt when she's undergoing such a difficult Health Crisis in her life. I would be like the Niece in trying to Tactfully Encourage the AUNT to at least Explore her Best Treatment Options w/the Optimal Survival Statistics and then let Her Aunt & Only her Aunt make that "Final Treatment Deicision. Because, in the end, if someone Else makes that Decision 4 U, then you are ultimately going to Blame the Other Party if the Treatment Program doesn't have a Positive Outcome for her in the end. At best, it's a vey delicate and difficult situation for ALL concerned and I Wish BOTH of them "My Very Best". I luckily am a 10-YEAR Breast Cancer survivor who had DCIS and small tumor with good prognosis After having (2) Surgeries & 36 Radiation Treatments with followup of AIMIDEX for (3) Months which Finally Stopped my PERIODS at the AGE of 53 Years Old. I was Blessed to "Hook Up" with a Surgeon who trained at SLOAN KETTERING CANCER Cancer so I feel that I rec'd the Best Possible Treatment that I could possibly have received at that time. My DAD lived to be 100 YEARS OLD so I think I also have "Longevity GENES" on my side, Donna K.

Another big one - please, please, please don't start telling me about everyone you know who has died a horrible lingering death of cancer, especially if it's the same kind I've got. I'm trying to keep hopeful and focussed on healing, and you're just scaring me to death. And I need all my emotional strength for myself to get through this; I can't be your grief counsellor. Just because I'm going through cancer too, that doesn't mean I want or need to hear this. It's amazing how many people do this. My husband and I had to stop going to church events because of it, even though I wanted to be out and about around people--I would come home and have a horrible anxiety attack the next day.

I think you wrong about attitude, it does make a difference, ask anyone who has survived cancer they will tell you that!!

Very interesting reading, as I am going to be 12 yrs. cancer free in November! (That's when I had a rt. side mastectomy! Less than a month after noticing pain and swelling in the rt. armpit. That was in 1999.) I started chemo in Dec. and finished that the middle of May, (3 different drugs). Underwent about 6 weeks of radiation starting in early June, finished in July. My commenting is in response to one of the responses I just read! I had already been diag. w/ADHD aproximately 5 yrs. before cancer. So "brain fog" was not new to me. But it intensified after chemo, medication for ADD helped, but not enough, (btw my husband is a great coach and has always been there for me) in March of 2009 (I think) I left work (long story) on medical leave, anxiety attacks, bronchitis, and ended up not going back. And dealing w/anger because I liked my job, students, most of the peole I worked with and I thought I would retire from that position. Anyway the symptoms that are all so bad, are the ones that one commenter said could have something to do with the heart. My oncologist spends alot of time listening to my heart at my 6 mos. check ups! All this typing to say maybe I should have one of those echocardiograms, but then again, insurance doesn't cover like it used to. But it's all something to consider, maybe when I get a few more part time work hrs. Yes, I'm very good at rambling! Anyway, thank you for the opportunity to hear how others are coping, realizing that none of us are alone in this, and I'm thankful because I am still able to fight the fight, love others, and look forward to a home in heaven with Jesus and others and hopefully get to hear "Well done, my good faithful servant!"

What intelligent remarks that can be used for all illnessness. Thank you.

i was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and it was completely unexpected. i have no family history and have always had clear mammograms. thank God my MD was persistant when she saw a tiny white speck on my mammogram. she kept at it until they finally found my cancer inside my milk ducts. the tumors could not be felt and i had no other symptoms. the best thing i heard from people was, I'll be there for you. Lots of love and support came my way. I was lucky. My oncologist was able to get all the cancer and I am now at stage 0. yay! got new boobs out of the deal too! :)

The entire article because I am guilty of some of those phases to a person who is grieving for her husband who died a few months ago. Although I've been there for her through it all, I didn't know HOW to support her. This article has shown me how. Thank you!

The stress trigger is the diagnosis! Duh!

The most important thing of what not to say wasn't mentioned: "Oh, who cares about your hair, it'll grow back". This is one of the most ignorant things anyone can say to a woman who faces the prospect of losing her hair that is very, very long and beautiful. By some miracle, I did not lose my very long, beautiful hair during chemo, but that comment made me hate that person.

I am dealing with cancer now and everything you said is true.The feelings and what to say. I have people say the wrong thing all the time. And I know they don't really know its what is commonly said, and that's ok too, it shows they care. But as a person with cancer I dont know if it's going to be ok. When I think it is, something else comes up. I'm still not sure and it frightens me, but I keep going. What will be will be.I can't change it.

I am proud to say that i am a 31yrs survivor,of brest cancer,and i was awear of the small lump in my breast under my arm pit,it was very frightening for me because i was really into my body but worked in the casino for 22yrs,and after being there 11yrs i was hit with breast cancer,and the baby sister of 13 sisters,so i strongly believe the enviorment of second hand smoke places,i have had a lot of support but stoped chemo after 3 cycles and went to bush meds and i had one more stage to go in cancer but i give God all the praise and renewed my mind and changed a lot of my eating habits of fast foods,like i said to God be the glory, because i have lost soooo many friends and one as i speak today i dying it is just a matter of time before she passes away.i will miss her very much but God knows what is best her name is Elma Knowles Thompson,you will be in God's care when that day comes,

The kindest thing I heard, when my dad was diagnosed with leukemia, was from the woman who ran the education center at the hospital. She held my hand and said, "I'm so sorry your family has to go through this." That memory has stayed with me as the most understanding statement of concern I heard throught the whole time he was ill.

I loved so much of what you had to say in this article. I am 3 x ca survivor. There r more people out there that have survived more cancwers than me. God did help ME get through all of this (including stem cell transplant and renal failure from chemo) because I am a whimp! I also had great support from family & friends. People tell me I am a miricle. I have always said, I have seen miricles (a whole other story) during my transplant but it certainly wasn't anything I did (except submit to treatment, slash/burn/ and poison) but it had to do w/I guess what you called luck??? (but GOD was 1st for me. Not that he loves me more than anyone else, just that he let me experience all of this w/grace & dignity & peace) Keep up the great articlies.....Dotty G

I was diagnosed with invasive ductual carsonoma stage 2.It was really hard for me cause I was never sick before. The things people say are very upsetting when you are trying to keep a level head and try and understand what has happened.When I read your article I printed it out and I'm going to send it to all my family people need to be aware that it hurts even when you are reminded that other people have made it and so will you. I have always been the giver and the caring type and trying to receive some advice from people that has never been there because they had a relative or friend go through cancer doesn't make them a professional on this disease. All I want is support,Love,caring people to say loving words and be kind about it.I will start my chemo sometimes next week and I'm scared but I have a great support group and MY DOCTOR AND MY GIRLS have taught me that being afraid is normal but to understand that one day there will be a cure...So get involved with people who have had and you will see there are kind words,LOVE and support you will need to get along. LOVE to you all and if I can help please let me know because I am going to be a true supporter of all cancer patients..Thank you for your article and Thank you for listening.

Dear Survivor III, if it's any consolation, the chemo fog does lift - it's gradual and slow and you've been through alot of chemo. The new drug does help, I'm told. My first breast cancer, in 1990, did result in chemo that exhausted me, as it did you. I was always concerned about my brain being affected (far more than hair loss bothered me) but my doctor assured me that "chemo does not break the blood-brain barrier" and I had nothing to worry about. Still, fatigue and not feeling clear-headed prevailed. For my second breast cancer in 1997, I was given a different, stronger protocol and the fogginess and exhaustion layed me low for at least two years. That said I don't believe you go back to 100% (but this could also be a function of aging). My first cancer was at 40 and I'm now 60. That said, I do have a genetic mutuation, BRAC 1. (it killed my mother when she was 36 and my sister at 52. Yet, I'm still standing. :). As for what people say to you - cut them some slack - they're all trying to be helpful. Prayers and best to you...

I wish I had had this article to share with my circle of supporters when I was in treatment. We all would have understood each other better.

I am posting this on my Wall in Facebook so that it can be of help to many of my friends and family. There are many people who have no idea what to say. At times it could be me. I am a 4-yr survivor of Inflammatory Breast Cancer (IBC) and now volunteer with the Inflammatory Breast Cancer Foundation (www.eraseibc.com). That is where I received so much support when I was going through my treatment. Also, my IBC support group online, www.ibcsupport.org, was there to "hold my hand" during treatment and to let me know what each one of them went through at each stage. It really helps to have a good support group. Since IBC is so rare, there was no such support group locally, and I was very lucky to find online help and support.

I think this article is very helpful not only to breast cancer patient but also to other types of cancer patient. My husband is fighting pancreatic cancer and I find that by listening to him venting about all the pain and aches that he is getting (seems like 100s of side effects) from the chemo treatment, it makes him less stress out. And I also find that by using "we will fight this togother" makes him feel less alone. I have always been a good listener which is why I am always the person to turn to whenever a friend or co-worker had problem. I don't ever try to tell them what to do but I do suggest to them to figure how the problem start and use that as a guideline to find a solution.

I AM SO SCARE I GO SEE MY SURGERON ON SEPT-29-11

Thanks for list of what not to say. I was diagnosed w/ Stage IIA. Lumpectomy, Taxotere, Carboplatin, Herceptin. Chemotherapy #2 this week. I have been appalled that people have said, "what stage is it?" or "did they catch it early?". After all, what if the news was bad? Would you really want to put a person in that position? May I also suggest NOT giving a person you hardly know a highly religious book. I appreciate prayers and spiritual encouragement, but if you don't know my religious beliefs, you are really crossing a line.

The whole complete article was helpful and should be helpful to many others. I learned several of these pointers the hard way as my wife was going through chemo and a seven year losing battle with breast cancer. The last three years of her life were spent with the first 2 1/2 in a nursing home and then 5 months at home, finally. After that 3 weeks in the hospital and she passed away before she was ever able to come home again. That last day, I visited her at lunch time. I asked how things were going and she gave her regular answer with the same loving smile on her face stating that she was doing fine. I left her at 2:00 pm to go back to work. I had a call at 4:20 that the doctor was going to do a procedure (draw fluid from her chest cavity as he had done several times already). At 4:40 I received another call telling me I might want to be there for the procedure, not knowing what the outcome may be. I was at the hospital, I was at the hospital in 20 minutes and she had already passed away. I think back over the years of caregiving, after reading your article, I can see a number of times where I didn't avoid the pitfalls you described but I could also see where for the most part, that changed as time went on. I don't want to go into a lot of details here but I just want to let everyone know, if they follow your recommendations, it will definitely have a positive result on the patient. If they don't feel physically better they will definitely feel mentally better. I pray everyone with breast cancer is cured, I know it won't happen but if my prayers work for just one person, they've all been well worth the effort. If you have lost a loved one to breast cancer, try to get involved in helping those that are still with us. Volunteer with the American Cancer Society or the Susan G. Komen for the Cure. They can always use your help. If you don't want to get with a large group like that, then volunteer at a hospital or cancer treatment center. Offer to transport someone to and from their treatments, at no cost to them. It's the little things that count with a cancer patient. I've made hats for so many and just knowing someone cared enough to make a hat for them lifts their spirits no end. Good luck and God bless.

What a good summary. There has been times I would have loved to pass this on to others. The other area that comes to mind, is not to give unsolicited advice. When others begin with" If this were me I would....., it also shuts down communications as well as may come across as implying you are not capable of making that choice or lack of confidence in your treatment team. All equals increased stress for the person you are wanting to support. (bilateral DCIS, IDC chemo completed, radiation to still complete.

I would like ideas on what to tell people who immediately launch into their stories of "my neighbor's wife has blahblahblah and she's doing terrible, hope you don't have what she has! " or similar. Seems very inappropriate but some folks just don't know better, I understand that. However, I'd sure like some snappy answers :-)

Wow, these are really insightful :-) Thanks for spelling this out, I plan to share this with others. I have breast cancer and YES! people do make it sound like it's my fault I have cancer. And that I'm at fault for not "beating it" yet. And that if I don't keep a positive, "can do" attitude 24/7 that I'll give the cancer the winning edge. I don't believe that at all. I believe I can help my body heal better by not getting all stressed and by nurturing my body the best I can, but I didn't bring this on myself and it isn't totally up to me to "beat it". I hope no one else falls for this line of thinking either. Hugs to other cancer patients - I wish you the best.

It is one of the things the medical staff do. They have cake and celebrate all day when you are done with your chemo and your radiation. I was a stage 3 and still so sick, I could not even eat. Thanks for the reminders of what not to say. So helpful with the relating to other cancer patients.

Great article, as a breast cancer patient I agree and think everything was right on. Great options for what people should do and say instead of the annoying things they do say...even though I KNOW they mean well, it is hard to smile through what we really think when you say some of the things you do.

If you want to save a lot of heart break for someone who has just been told that they have breast cancer, please, please do not say....."Oh I had a friend who had an Aunt who had it and the doctor said he got all the cancer cells but she died three months later." This is one of the things I had told to me right after my left breast had been removed. Well guess what, that was in 2003 and I am still here. The problem was for weeks I thought that would happen to me.BUT then I had a good friend who prayed with me and I got my courage back. We all have days where we get a pain that makes us wonder if it is back but a talk with the doctor or a new test or two makes us fine, but I know that if it ever does,I can handle it with the help of God and my real friends.

With hindsight it sounds good and I could have done better reading this a few years ago but having gone though some of these errors I believe the article will help others to do better. Thank you. Pierre KOHLER, Switzerland

I've been there & you do not need false platitudes & definately need to know someone is standing by for you - no fun & lots of stress build up, friendship reasurance really best you can do, very lonely & scary time in life !

I can so relate to the lady in the article about lingering chemotherapy side effects. I hold a smile and a positive attitude, which I often force myself to do, for my husband's sake. I am a Type A Personality,I have been all my life. I had Ovarian Cancer in 1970; Basel Cell in my eye in 1990; and two breast tumors in 2007. One was CA In Situ; the other was an HER2neu tumor, Stage 2. I had 17 chemo treatments (3 chemo's per treatment) in 12 months and 33 radiation treatments. I am really weak on "tolerance". I sleep 12-14 hours a day. I have little to no energy throughout my days. I push and crash. This all began in May of this year. I finished my chemo May 28th,2008 !!! I am so fed up with fogged thinking, fatigue, and lack of interest in things my mind wants to do...I have a vehicle and can drive, I feel guilty that I have so much, and care to do so little. I do light housework which I PUSH myself to do, and I DO feel better when I do household chores, it's sort of like being a little 'normal' for me, again, when I accomplish cleaning, cooking, etc. I'm not, nor have I ever been a 'lazy' person. I have had blood test, heart test, cat scans, x-rays and follow-up mammograms and all are good. My muga test showed my heart to be pumping at 62%, I'm told that was good for me, being 64 years of age. My PCP said I just have to allow myself time - she also prescribed Lexapro 1x daily, along with the Tomaxifin I must continue to take for 3.5 more years. I want to ride to the Mall, I don't feel like driving very far, after three or four miles, I just want to lie down, I'm not always sleepy, but just to concentrate wears me out. I can't continue hiding this frustration and disgust much longer from my husband. I don't want him to worry. He is under a lot of stress with his job of 33 years, he has high cholesterol and he's now over-weight. I don't want anything to happen to him through more stress. All my oncologist and my PCP say are "you've been through a lot", "don't be so hard on yourself"...I'm sick of hearing this. I want to overcome this fatigue, this fog I live in, I want to return to speed walking, reading more, and going places, and getting up early and enjoying the early morning hours instead of awaking at 10:30 or 11:00 a.m. after sleeping since 10:00 p.m. the night before. I feel like my world is passing me by. Thank you for any help you can give me. Survivor III