Your loved one is scared, angry, or in tears, and you want him to feel better. But unfortunately, a statement like this makes it sound as if you want him to put his feelings, which are natural and unavoidable, under wraps. "In this situation, it's okay to get worked up, and it's okay to vent," says Knajdl. "We have this fear of feelings getting out of control. But sometimes a patient needs opportunities to cry or get angry or get upset, and if you can help him express these feelings and get them out, in the end he'll feel better."
What to say instead: If you don't know what to say, it's okay not to say anything at all, Knajdl says. Just offer the comfort of your presence, a hug, or an arm around the shoulders. Allowing some silence without rushing to fill it gives the person a chance to say what's on his mind in his own time. Perhaps he's afraid of pain, afraid of letting you down, or frustrated by feeling incapacitated by his illness. "One patient surprised his son by saying, 'I feel frustrated lying here in the hospital because I feel like I'm wasting my time,'" Knajdl says. "It turned out he was actually upset that he didn't have his legal affairs in order. The son responded by saying, 'Would you like me to get a lawyer to come in so we can take care of that?' That made his father feel much better."
very helpful. We have all had these awkward moments when visiting someone who is ill.
I learned early on--the battle with cancer is a unique one to each individual. My dear friend (we called her Col. Klink) raised her hand to prevent death from coming through the door. She took a year to fight and finalize her affairs. When death came knocking once more, she walked out the door in peace. In my life now-- One chose not to even fight. She wants to live the rest of her days as best she can with her family and enjoying what she is able to do. Another, did fight until deep inside she realized she wanted quality of life until the end. She asks me to call her regularly, which I do. A dear friend, a veteran and Vietnam war hero is fighting a strong battle. I asked him what he most wanted right now. For my leg to hurt less," he replied. And the list goes on...including our kitty cat who was diagnosed last year and so long as we wake up in the middle of the night to give him food and stay with him as he eats (this is what he wants), he lives on. We are giving him palliative care since he already has FIV and poor teeth. Yes, cancer is unique to each individual.
How about when people say "God is stronger than cancer and I know he'll heal you." That's rude.
Thank you for this excellent article. I especially appreciate #5, having heard that recently regarding a situation with my son. There would have been something seriously wrong with me had I not gotten all worked up. Again, I appreciate your work on this. I am an authority on this issue (you list my book as a resource, thanks) but I actually saw a couple of things from a new perspective. And great choice in Dr. Knajdl. Lori Hope
I am a cancer survivor who beat cancer with God's help. I was told I would be dead in 18months and I am now an 11 year survivor. I work with the Lance Armstrong Foundation & I found the statement, "I call this the Lance Armstrong syndrome, this idea that if you have the right fighting spirit you can overcome disease," says Knajdl. "I admire Armstrong and he's done great things to publicize cancer, but this idea that people can triumph over cancer with will power and an upbeat attitude is just crazy. ", Offensive to say the least. First of all as an organization & as a Man who has survived cancer Lance has helped more people through Team LIVESTRONG and the multitude of Armies worldwide that are there to help the recently diagnosed straight through to their remission or whatever comes their way. Lance has never said that "the right fighting spirit" will get rid of the cancer. With ANY terminal illness being positive is part of the battle. We are about the Fight ~ The Fight For Your Life! What The Lance Armstrong Foundation Does Believe in according to their Manifesto: The Manifesto of the Lance Armstrong Foundation We believe in life. Your life. We believe in living every minute of it with every ounce of your being. And that you must not let cancer take control of it. We believe in energy: channelled and fierce. We believe in focus: getting smart and living strong. Unity is strength. Knowledge is power. Attitude is everything. This is the Lance Armstrong Foundation. We kick in the moment you’re diagnosed. We help you accept the tears. Acknowledge the rage. We believe in your right to live without pain. We believe in information. Not pity. And in straight, open talk about cancer. With husbands, wives and partners. With kids, friends and neighbors. And the people you live with, work with, cry and laugh with. This is no time to pull punches. You’re in the fight of your life. We’re about the hard stuff. Like finding the nerve to ask for a second opinion. And a third, or a fourth, if that’s what it takes. We’re about getting smart about clinical trials. And if it comes to it, being in control of how your life ends. It’s your life. You will have it your way. We’re about the practical stuff. Planning for surviving. Banking your sperm. Preserving your fertility. Organizing your finances. Dealing with hospitals, specialists, insurance companies and employers. It’s knowing your rights. It’s your life. Take no prisoners. We’re about the fight. We’re your champion on Capitol Hill. Your advocate with the healthcare system. Your sponsor in the research labs. And we know the fight never ends. Cancer may leave your body, but it never leaves your life. This is the Lance Armstrong Foundation. Founded and inspired by one of the toughest cancer survivors on the planet. LIVESTRONG™" I feel that Knajdl needs to get his facts in order before making a broad statement like that about a Man & Foundation that is doing a Vast amount of good for the 28 Million People Globally living with cancer.. Just saying
I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer stage IV and have my good days and my bad days. Each if us are different and I would imagine that we all go through the phases at different paces. Some days I have my boxing gloves on and feel like I can overcone any obstacle, other days I don't and just want to read or watch TV. others who have wriiten here are right, you don't know how we feel unless your a survivor (or sick now). The absolute worst thing that anyone can say go me is "you gotta be more positive!" if one more person says that to me, I'm gonna haul off and belt em!!! All you non-cancer people need to understand that done of us feel like we did something wrong in our lives that produced thus illness: not eating right, too much stress, not enough exercise. Honestly, I could just scream sometimes! N So thank you for this article. I am going to make copies and leave them by my front door for friends, family, and other visitors.
I am almost at the 1-year mark for the end of the radiation & chemo. This article was fabulous, but I have never taken these types of comments the wrong way. I mean, those around me were just as scared as I was (am). The only I disagree with is the "mind over matter" thing - I DO believe the mind can be a powerful tool. I admire Lance Armstrong a LOT for what he's done for survivors. And, to be blunt, I totally believe my cancer will return - it's a rare form. So, thinking positively daily is better for me than feeling sorry for myself & thinking negative thoughts. It's better than drinking or taking drugs...:o)
My grand-dad died of cancer a year before my birth. Prostate cancer. He didn't want to get chemo treatments so he just let the cancer kill him. I don't know why, but my dad says my grand-father had a weird moral and way of thinking so I guess it's because of that. Fortunatly, I wasn't alive when he died so all I have to mourn is the fact I never met him and never will. @sadecou : People don't understand cancer victim. I don't know how it feels, but I know how it feels when people don't understand you. A few years ago, I started to have nutrtion problems[anorexia] and I stopped eating. No one did anything, I just saved my own ass by myself. No one even realized I had lost ten pounds, maybe more. It sucks when people don't know how you feel, but sometimes there's just nothing you can do about it. Good luck with your life =)
Many of the caring question and sympathetic ways to show how a caregiver can be more appropriate in this article were right on. Cancer takes different types of people, not just younger woman with breast cancer who may be really positive types, who will party when chemo is over. There are the elderly who think things through, looking at an entirely different picture. My "Nana" (she's actually my friends grandmother)was just diagnosed this year with pancreatic cancer and it's spreading. She just went through a round of chemo and is suffering from mouth sores. At the end of a visit with her she took my hand and with a heavy accent she tells me shes in hell. Had it been someone else I might have found the words, but all I could do was take her hand and tell her it'll take time, please be patient. After reading this article I feel that I a have a little more ammo to fend off her fears. I too am going through chemo, my liver is sprinkled with tumors. I have a feeling of guilt, I'm getting better, my Nana's is terminal but shes chosen to at least give it a try, she'll fight. I chose to fight, I want to give her that strength as well. I also got something positive out of this, thank you.
I have worked as a radiation therapist for 25 years. If a patient is experiencing a change or symptom from the disease or treatment, they are relieved to know that a change or symptom is "normal" for that disease or treatment. Don't hesitate to ask. The doctor may have a remedy available. Sometimes my patient seems to need a hug. With permission, I provide that gentle hug. Many patients are tickled to only have a few treatments remaining. If they don't feel like celebrating, some take a raincheck. I warn "graduating" radiation therapy patients that they may experience mild depression in the weeks ahead as we are no longer giving them the daily treatments. I learned this from the patients. Many patients enjoy telling or hearing a good joke. There are opportunities for a touch of humor with the sickest of patients.
Please proof read your article. Surely you are not talking about your PARENT but the PATIENT. It is incredibly unprofessional to see that the article was not even proof read. As a cancer survivor myself, I agree with content - yes, spot on.
I am a surviving breast cancer patient. I was in Stage IIIb which is just below Stage IV where they tell you there is nothing you can do. You are full of crap. All cancer survivors cheer each other on. We tell each other it is going to be OK and have a celebration when chemo and radiation is over. I can see that Melanie Haiken has never had cancer. For someone to write an article like this who has not had cancer is obsurd. What do you know? Do you know how it feels to lose your hair? Or, to have people stare at you because you gained a bunch of weight due to the Tamoxifen you are taking? Of course not! And you know why? Because you never had cancer. Kiss my vertical smile. And to all those caregivers...here is what you don't say. 1) I think you should stay home vs. going out because you should spend every last minute with your family. Forget taking that trip because your family will miss you. 2) The doctor said that you can't have that piece of cake because you will gain weight. Let the cancer patient have it for goodness sake. They have just been through hell. 3) And, most important, don't ever tell them that you know how they feel. You don't. In fact, the only person that can say that is a fellow cancer patient/survivor. That is it. I have had people at work tell me that they know what it is like because their sister had cancer or their father had cancer. They do not have a clue. Next time, let a cancer survivor write an article like this. They are the only ones that can tell this story properly.
Hugs Laurence Alter
I got something positive out of this, thanks