1. Be patient.
Denial is, at best, a coping mechanism. Willfully ignoring facts helps some people maintain sanity in insane situations; for others, it postpones the need to deal with them. Call it a shock absorber for the soul. Some people need more time than others to face the realities of a given situation. Vexing for you, but necessary for them.
2. Distinguish denial from lack of knowledge.
Ignorance can be remedied by gathering information that allows you to make better decisions; denial is refusing to acknowledge the facts. So make sure, at least, that the person having a hard time accepting a situation understands the options, symptoms, treatments, what to expect. Share articles. Encourage conversations with experts, or with others who've been in similar circumstances.
3. Calmly repeat the facts.
Without sounding judgmental, calmly present the facts that led you to your own conclusions: "Mom, Dad is repeating himself every five minutes. You told me yourself he made big errors with the checkbook for the past three months in a row. He got lost driving to the grocery last week. I think the doctor should hear about these changes and check them out."
Write them down, if that helps. Repeat. And repeat again, as necessary.
Patience and hope
I dont even know how to begin this-My mom is 63 and in the last 3 years has turned into a COMPLETE alcoholic-We've tried EVERYTHING from interventions to pleading,to trying to make her see its the reason for her trips to jail and to the hospital with multiple injuries... She refuses to acknowledge there is a problem...Talk about denial...I guess we just have to watch her die a slow painful death because to her,there is no problem:( And there is NOTHING we can do from a legal,criminal or health standpoint-you cant force someone to stop drinking,even though it basicly amounts to slow suicide. Hey,isnt suicide technically ILLEGAL,anyways?
I think you also need to separate what might make someone happiest (living at home) from what is safest (in home care?). For example, my mother is obviously happiest at home (witthout any "strangers" around), but she constantly misses her medicine even with a pill dispenser with her pills put in their for morning, noon, and night. So, someone needs to check on her every day (which she thinks is great, and now expects son#1 in the morning, Son #2 in the afternoon, and daughter #1 in the evening for a 2-3 hour visit.)
My mother has dementia. So, of course, there is some denial there. But my sister's denial is the biggest problem for me. Everyone in my family (which includes several medical professionals) believes my mother would be happiest and safest in a nursing home that has a memory unit. Everyone except my sister. She has been the closest to Mom for several years. This article does help me understand how my sister's denial is a coping mechanism to help guard against the pain of "losing" Mom. I will try to use the suggestions in the article...but dealing with my sister's denial is no picnic. My mother and my sister are the Delusional Twins. I don't know which one has the greater denial. At least my mother has the excuse of dementia. My sister's attitude and behavior baffle me. It is clear to anyone with a level head that mother needs to be in a nursing home. That is what would be safest for her and I actually believe Mom would come to be happiest there. She would have mental stimulation and some community with others her own age and circumstance, instead of being reminded of all the things she can't do anymore. But my sister refuses to even entertain the idea. She volunteered to "put her life on hold" to take care of Mom...yet only 4 days after she moved in with Mom, she is asking me to "set up a schedule" for the weekends, so I can help. Mother living at home is not something I support. I think it's wrong. I think my sister's denial is hurting our mother. It's not that I don't want to help my mother or be there for her...it's that I don't want to enable my sister in her denial.
The situations mentioned by other responders really hits home with me - especially the one about the mother calling the Police and saying her daughter is stealing from her. The opposite is true of my situation. It is my father-in-law. He has went to the Police station on secral occasions to press charges against me. However, it is obvious to the Police and other Professionals that my father-in-law is showing signs of dementia and is in worse health than his wife who has Alzheimer's. Not only is he in total denial about his and my mother-in-law's situation. For the last seven years I have been the only caregiver for my In-Laws and I have made many scarifices in caring for them - even after having back surgery myself while my husband, their son, did basically nothing because it interfered with his Golf, work, or whatever excuse he wanted to use. To complicate matters worse recently their have been three people who have not dealt with taking care of my In-Laws who are coming into the picture stirring up things. When I could not give my father-in-law the answers he wanted he grabbed at whatever he could find. These people are not there to help my father-in-law. They have made matters worse - even one of then went so far as to tell my father-in-law thaT he needed to get a new cell phone because the one me and my husband gave him a few years ago is probably bugged so that I know all of his comings and goings. There is no reasoning with him. He has become very hateful and vindictive to me - especially since he convinced my husband who has recently become Guardian for my mother-in-law to let him move my mother-in-law to an assisted living facility. This was even after two weeks before Adult Protective Services told me that they would not let my mother-in-law go to this assisted living facility because it is not a secure environment and my mother-in-law wanders. On top of this, when my husband took his Mom to the assisted living facility, the Director was out of town, the Assistant Director was not there and the Attendants did not even know my mother-in-law and father-in-law were moving in that day. Also, the facility did not have the first piece of paperwork on either of my In-Laws and my father-in-law did not tell them my mother-in-law had Alzheimer's. I had mentioned to my husband the Friday before this happened that we needed to go by the assisted living facility to check things out before he signed my mother-in-law out of the Memory Unit because the assisted living facility is only a car space away from the road. His reply was, "We'll just wait and check it out when we move her on Monday." I told my husband that he was going to have a real fight on his hands with his step-father if it worked out to where his mother could not stay at the assisted living facility, but he did not want to hear it. When we got there we found out that they did not have a bathroom to their room. My father-in-law took every bit of my mother-in-laws belongings from the Memory Unit. I stayed with my mother-in-law while my father-in-law and my husband went back and forth to his parent's house to bring more belongings to the asisted living facility. My husband wanted me to go with him and his step-father because he did not want to deal with him. While they were gone my mother-in-law needed to use the bathroom. She did not know where to go since it was a new environment. If I had not been there she probably would have had an accident. While I was there on the first day that my In-Laws moved to the assisted living facility, my father-in-law seemed to be agreeable and talkative. The next day when I went after my husband had asked me to meet him there, I left later. My father-in-law was not there when I first came. However, when I was starting to leave, he was coming in the assisted living facilty. He became angry and started telling me to leave - that I was not to set foot in his house again. He said the assisted living facility was his house know and that I had better leave before he called the Police. The Assistant Director called my father-in-law into the office with me because he was getting my mother-in-law and the other residents upset. There just was no reasoning with him. All of this anger towards me is because I could not tell my father-in-law that APS was going to let him bring my mother-in-law home so things could go back to the way they were. Since then, he has had a wreck after driving dizzy. It has also been because these other people that have just recently came into the picture and only for a very short time are telling my father-in-law all kinds of lies about me and my husband. The only reason he is speaking decent with my husband right now is because he knows my husband and his brother have Guardianship over their mother. It is very hurtful with how my father-in-law is acting towards me now. What is really sad is that my mother-in-law with her Alzheimer's is not able to understand what is going on with my father-in-law. When he tries to turn her against me, she tells him that I have always been good to both of them and that she knows I would not do the things he says I am doing. This makes my father-in-law mad. I know his behavior is because of his dementia and other health problems, but it really hurts and is hard to not take it personally. My father-in-law has not only put a strain on our relationship. It is affecting my children. It has also put a big strain on my own family's relationship. Being an outsider, they are not aware of all of the details and feel sorry for my father-in-law. They make accusations that are not true. with my father-in-laws mental state right now, that only confuses him more. I have been trying to help my father-in-law get services lined up and make plans since 2004 - including Adult Day Care, Respite, In-Home Health Care, finding information about Assisted Living, Memory Units, Veterans Benefits, Veteran's Aid & Attendance, Durable Power of Attorney, etc. He just flat out refused denying he needed the help - even after falling and breaking his right elbow in February 2011. He would not follow doctor's orders. I think APA got tired of dealing with my father-in-law because he was so persistant. With a heavy heart, I am just trying to take it one day at a time.
what about talking to the person in denial...for instance...mother who insists she doesn't forget anything and is NEVER wrong...trying to convince her something is amiss...and she feels threatened when I try to explain she gets confused...lately with trips to 2 banks to prove they didn't steel $50,000 from her...she didn't admit she was wrong just said....why did I think that?...
Very nicely written.
Hi Christina D, Thanks for your question. Sorry to hear your mother has been having these symptoms. It's a difficult situation to be in for everyone, I'm sure. One article you may find useful about managing delusions can be found here: (http://www.caring.com/articles/alzheimers-disease-paranoia). I hope that helps. -- Emily
What do you do when the person in denial is the one with dementia? My mother thinks my husband and I are stealing from her, which we are not, (has even called the police several times-they've stopped over at our place to tell us what was going on-they recognize it as dementia), is having trouble paying bills, doesn't know what day of the week it is at times, having trouble getting her tax info together, and yet, according to her, she's fine, nothing's wrong, just everyone ELSE is wrong??
all of these scenarios really hit home. My wife trying to care for both her dad and an older brother who is marginally brain damaged. She and her younger brother are like oil and water when it comes to their care. Basically her younger brother is 1) "too busy" to actually help although he can quote verbatim all the lines from the latest hot TV shows, and 2) afraid to confront his father on anything because he is afraid he will be cut out of the will. The 90 year old dad will not even get a living will because " there's greed in this room" if you bring up anything about the fact that he might die i.e where he wants to be buried, wills. etc. Of course this is the same guy who insists his wife died "so suddenly" when she was really in and out of hospitals for about 3 years. (she died 4 years ago). My wife ends up bearing the burden of caring for both, any discussion with the younger brother ends up in a shouting match (it's just the way he argues about any topic, he who shouts loudest wins)