Reflective listening is a way of reflecting back a person's words in order to help her gain a better understanding of her feelings and experiences.
Let's say the person you're caring for replies to your open-ended question by saying something like, "Sometimes I guess I do feel a little tense when I'm driving. It can feel as if everything is happening so fast, and cars come out of nowhere. I honestly didn't see that white car until he was almost on top of us."
Using reflective listening, you could reply by saying, "It sounds like you're having a little trouble seeing cars and keeping track of everything going on around you."
A reflective statement like this will help the person relax and express her concerns in a nondefensive way, while providing you with more information about her perspective on her driving abilities. How would a hypothetical conversation play itself out? Something like this, depending on which of these two approaches you choose:
Confrontational approach
Using a confrontational approach, you might hit a brick wall (so to speak):
You: Mom, you nearly hit that car at the intersection near the grocery store today, and that's not the first time. You need to stop driving!
Mom: What? I can't stop driving. How will I get around? Besides, you're exaggerating. And that guy was driving too fast anyway.
You: But he had the right of way!
Mom: I drive just fine and I don't need you nagging me about it. I'm not discussing it, so let's drop it!
You: But you could kill someone. How would you feel if that happened?
Mom: I told you -- I'm not talking about this anymore!
Open-ended questions and reflective listening
You: Mom, you seemed really tense while were driving to the grocery store today, and you had a little trouble at that traffic light. How is driving going for you these days?
Mom: Sometimes I guess I do feel a little tense when I'm driving. It can feel as if everything is happening so fast, and cars come out of nowhere. I honestly didn't see that white car until he was almost on top of us.
You: You're having a little trouble seeing cars and keeping track of everything going on around you.
Mom: Yes. It's a little scary sometimes.
You: It sounds scary. Are you having problems with your vision?
Mom: Maybe it's my eyes, but I feel like I'm not always reacting quickly enough. Driving never used to be so difficult!
You: Hmm. Do you think maybe it would be a good idea to go in for a physical -- and maybe get your eyes checked as well?
Mom: Maybe you're right. It can't hurt to get a checkup.
Ideally, open-ended questions and reflective listening lead to this kind of exploration and understanding. The more combative approach is much more likely to bring the dialogue to an abrupt halt.
You might practice using the tools of open-ended questions and reflective listening on a friend before trying it with someone in your care. And remember, it's best to approach this topic with reasonable expectations. If you view it as an ongoing discussion rather than a single conversation, you're less likely to be disappointed by the outcome.
Talk about husbands and wives rather than parent and child. The relationship is different, and our kids live 400 miles away so aren't much help. My husband doesn't mind not actually driving as long as he can just take the car around the block once a week. I'd like to sell his car and save the insurance. I can drive, but in addition to early dementia my husband has intermittent double vision and depth of field issues. I am tired of being a chauffeur but don't see any other option.
The advice offered in this article is intelligent, respectful, and humane. By all means try it. You owe your mother or father at least that much. But if it falls on deaf ears, go rip the ignition wires out of mom's or dad's car. Tell her or him that their car was vandalized, which it was. You could very well be saving someone's life, or spinal cord. I'm no gerontologist, just a dumb EMT who has seen what can happen. If you'd seen what I've seen, you wouldn't hesitate to follow my advice.
a worried in-law