Losing a parent, spouse, or other loved one is really hard. What most of us don't know, until it happens, is that it hurts for a long time. According to experts, though, there are recognizable stages -- or signposts -- that you'll pass through as you move from bereavement to healing. In her landmark 1969 book On Death and Dying, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross popularized the idea of five stages of grief. Since then some experts have continued to work with Kubler-Ross's model, while others have simplified the theory to include just three or four stages, or expanded the list to as many as ten.
But most experts agree that everyone processes a loss by experiencing a series of different feelings, though we may go through these stages in a different order or skip one altogether. Here's a guide to the stages of grief and how to navigate them to find comfort and healing.
Stage one in the stages of grief: Shock and denial
For the first hours, days, even weeks after someone you're close to dies, you may feel like you simply can't absorb what's happened. It might feel like there's a glass wall between you and your feelings. You know you're sad, but you can't actually grieve. The numbness protects you from dissolving, but it may feel a bit frightening, too -- why can't I cry?
Losing someone you've lived with may also bring intense feelings of loneliness and emptiness as you struggle with the hole left in your daily life. If you've spent the past months or years as a caregiver, it's natural to experience a sense of being cut adrift -- after giving so much of your time and devotion to your loved one, suddenly you are no longer needed.
What you might be feeling:
- Numb and distracted -- "This can't be happening to me.
- Alienated from other people, as though everyone else exists in the sunny world of everyday events, while you're in a dark tunnel.
- Bereft of purpose. Many caregivers say they feel painfully lost, as if the connection that kept them going every day is no longer there.
What you might notice:
- Memory gaps, such as being unable to recall what you did yesterday, or not knowing how long it's been since you last ate.
- Being disorganized and "spacey" -- misplacing your keys or cell phone, losing your car in the parking lot, forgetting to return phone calls.
- Feeling out of touch with your real feelings, reacting in ways that don't feel like "you," such as snapping at a sibling or feeling nothing when a friend tells you some happy or sad news.
What to do:
- Give yourself permission to feel however you feel. You've just been through an emotional earthquake, and the aftershocks are going to continue for a long time. It's okay if you can't cry, and it's also okay if you cry all the time or at inappropriate moments.
- Break through the denial. Recognize that numbness has a purpose: It keeps you from falling apart. But if feelings of distance and unreality are bothering you, use family members and close friends as touchstones. Prevent yourself from "stuffing" your feelings by checking in with others: How are you holding up? Create opportunities to talk over the experiences you've been through and reminisce about your loved one.
4 1/2 weeks or even months is a very short amount of time. I have loss both parents, a sister, a spouse and a grand daughter at 5. Somethings we never get over.. when I realized that I started to get better. Seems silly, but knowing somethings go to deep for words...so it is reasonable to know some pain will always be with you. BUT so will the joys. My belief system..bodies die-love never does.
We have realized that we are going through the stages of grief now as we watch my dear husband battle Parkinson's Disease. My son is dealing with anger, my daughter with denial, and I am at the acceptance stage. Knowing this is helpful to all of us.
June 2008 I found out my dad had Stage IV cancer. The man who took such good care of himself, eating right and exercising daily was gone 7 months later. I was not been able to mourn since his death and had wondered why. My friend pointed out that I went through most of the stages of grief before he died. The denial, the anger, the bargaining and then finally the acceptance. Knowing he is not in pain anymore is my solace.
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9:45 AM CST..."Lotus"...I realize that a "blog" is hardly due compensation for your feelings of being alone, but as you see here, and many other postings elsewhere, there are many who do understand. And being "withdrawn" is a natural response to a loved one's death. Sometimes "just being" allows you to know yourself better and prepares you for the next step. It's like your mind being in a state of "self-repair", if I may risk sounding too corny ! Our culture allows few moments when one can "just be". Perhaps you are not as "withdrawn" as you might believe; you are reaching out, trying to make connections with others responding to a similar life situation. You must believe me when I tell you that I have known clinically withdrawn people under far worse circumstances than your own; they survived intact. Of course it's hard to relate to other's grief when you have enough of your own; just keep in mind the good times you shared with your mother. Those memories may help you move on and rejoin the human race, as I suspect your mother would want you do. Luck to you. J.B. 6/21/09
I lost my 37 yr old daughter 6 yrs ago,, and i still haven't gotten over it. I don't have to much time to grieve, as she left a 4 yr old a 9 yr old and a 19 yr old. The 4 yr old used to go around and ask other women to be her mother, she thinks of me as her mother. There are times i wonder what i coulkd have done to save her, but i know there was nothing. But it still hurts even today. When i go places we used to go and do things her and i did together, i think a lot about her and i cry......You never get over losing a child, after all it's meant for parents to go before their children, t least that's what i believe.But i'm 72 now and i want to live at least til the 10 yr old gets to 16, where she can take care od herself more, she is a daddys girl tho,her dad has tried to raise them without a mother, the oldest now 15 soon 16 is so much more mature, the youngest 10 yr old is still like a child sometimes, but an A and B student, so not too bad. i'm hoping that one day i won't cry when i talk about my daughter..
Hi, I lost my mom 8 months ago. In just 3 short weeks she died from cancer. Each day gets better and I didn't know just 3 months ago if that would happen, but it does. Much of the article is true, but remember your feeling will lie to you and you have lean on God and your closes people around you help you thur this. I look forward to the days that I can talk freely about mom and not cry, but I'm not there and it's OK, it's hard to lost someone that loved you as much as she loved me. She was God like unconditional love, that from what I see I must get from God and he will fill the void. I wish you peace in your journey.
hi. i lost my boyfriend a few months ago to cancer and i was his primary caregiver for the 2 years that we were together. in the first few weeks after his passing i thought there was no way that i would be able to move on. i feel that now i have come to a place where i never thought i would be - like im starting to enjoy life again. i think im experiencing all the stages at once. sometimes im happy and out of nowhere i'll start crying and feeling guilty for the things i didn't do or say (like right now at 4 in the morning!). but just know that time does ease the pain. i'm sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you
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I am so grateful that I have found this site. Although the chances of someone reading it will be slim, which I'm happy about that. I think I just need to talk,no one seems to understand. My mom recently passed, I'm 4 1/2 weeks in and I feel awful. I can not describe the feeling and no one seems to understand. I'm tired, and withdrawn. I've been her caregiver for the past 3 years, and before that I commuted for 5 years every weekend and every holiday. I don't want to go out to dinner, I don't want to get together with friends, I just want to just be. Why does no one understand. I'm trying to put my life back together............