Losing a parent, spouse, or other loved one is really hard. What most of us don't know, until it happens, is that it hurts for a long time. According to experts, though, there are recognizable stages -- or signposts -- that you'll pass through as you move from bereavement to healing. In her landmark 1969 book On Death and Dying, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross popularized the idea of five stages of grief. Since then some experts have continued to work with Kubler-Ross's model, while others have simplified the theory to include just three or four stages, or expanded the list to as many as ten.
But most experts agree that everyone processes a loss by experiencing a series of different feelings, though we may go through these stages in a different order or skip one altogether. Here's a guide to the stages of grief and how to navigate them to find comfort and healing.
Stage one in the stages of grief: Shock and denial
For the first hours, days, even weeks after someone you're close to dies, you may feel like you simply can't absorb what's happened. It might feel like there's a glass wall between you and your feelings. You know you're sad, but you can't actually grieve. The numbness protects you from dissolving, but it may feel a bit frightening, too -- why can't I cry?
Losing someone you've lived with may also bring intense feelings of loneliness and emptiness as you struggle with the hole left in your daily life. If you've spent the past months or years as a caregiver, it's natural to experience a sense of being cut adrift -- after giving so much of your time and devotion to your loved one, suddenly you are no longer needed.
What you might be feeling:
- Numb and distracted -- "This can't be happening to me.
- Alienated from other people, as though everyone else exists in the sunny world of everyday events, while you're in a dark tunnel.
- Bereft of purpose. Many caregivers say they feel painfully lost, as if the connection that kept them going every day is no longer there.
What you might notice:
- Memory gaps, such as being unable to recall what you did yesterday, or not knowing how long it's been since you last ate.
- Being disorganized and "spacey" -- misplacing your keys or cell phone, losing your car in the parking lot, forgetting to return phone calls.
- Feeling out of touch with your real feelings, reacting in ways that don't feel like "you," such as snapping at a sibling or feeling nothing when a friend tells you some happy or sad news.
What to do:
- Give yourself permission to feel however you feel. You've just been through an emotional earthquake, and the aftershocks are going to continue for a long time. It's okay if you can't cry, and it's also okay if you cry all the time or at inappropriate moments.
- Break through the denial. Recognize that numbness has a purpose: It keeps you from falling apart. But if feelings of distance and unreality are bothering you, use family members and close friends as touchstones. Prevent yourself from "stuffing" your feelings by checking in with others: How are you holding up? Create opportunities to talk over the experiences you've been through and reminisce about your loved one.
This is a wondergul insight into the grieving process. Very helpful ! thank you so much.
My Mom died on January 7th and I've been having a very hard time. This article was very helpful as some of the typical signs of grieving set forth in the article fit my own grieving, particularly as they relate to having been the primary caretaker. I just discovered this website and think that it'll be very helpful to my grieving process.
I lost my dear husband of 56 years just three weeks ago and I've yet to stop crying. Every time I hear some of the music we loved, I cry. If I watch an old movie that we saw together, I cry. If I look at his pictures, I cry. Everything around me seems to bring on the tears. I watched his brilliant mind slip away, day by day, for ten years. I was with him when he took his final breath. My family is very supportive but nothing can stop the tears or the feeling that half of me is gone. When does it all stop?
Great advice - grief hits everyone in a different way, so we're glad you discussed these various approaches. The most important thing is to tackle it head-on and deal with your feelings as they come.
Reading this article I felt like someone had read into my soul. So many of the points here are what I have been feeling. I see others return to their lives and I feel ashamed that I am still in so much pain. I lost my mother suddenly last October to a heart attach. She and Dad were married over 65 years. In every picture of them they are holding hands. So much love! Three weeks ago I held my Dad's hand and watched him take his final breath, giving up his 5 year battle with prostrate cancer. Most of the family was there with him when he passed. At that time I felt so blest that he would not be suffering anymore. We kept telling him to reach out and take Mom's hand, we were here with him. A single tear rolled down his check just before he took his last breath. I had been so strong for the last week helping the caregiver change him, roll him, and spoon feed him. Now I feel like a wreck. I do not want to go out in public, I have a hard time getting out of bed each day. I have no motivation to get on with my life. Today I saw my doctor and she told me to find counselling. I remembered reading the comforting comments here after Mom died. So here I am, spilling my gut and crying. I am so glad I read this artical and the stages of grief. Now to get on with my healing. God bless all of you here, He will comfort us and help us move forward. (Lotus) I understand...
I lost my Mom (my best friend) to cancer last week. She was only diagnosed 5 months ago. This a a pain that hurts my entire body and I can't stop crying..I don't know what to do, I feel so lost...I know I need to be strong for my 3 year old but this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life..I just wish my mom could talk to me...Nothing is the same anymore...
4 1/2 weeks or even months is a very short amount of time. I have loss both parents, a sister, a spouse and a grand daughter at 5. Somethings we never get over.. when I realized that I started to get better. Seems silly, but knowing somethings go to deep for words...so it is reasonable to know some pain will always be with you. BUT so will the joys. My belief system..bodies die-love never does.
We have realized that we are going through the stages of grief now as we watch my dear husband battle Parkinson's Disease. My son is dealing with anger, my daughter with denial, and I am at the acceptance stage. Knowing this is helpful to all of us.
June 2008 I found out my dad had Stage IV cancer. The man who took such good care of himself, eating right and exercising daily was gone 7 months later. I was not been able to mourn since his death and had wondered why. My friend pointed out that I went through most of the stages of grief before he died. The denial, the anger, the bargaining and then finally the acceptance. Knowing he is not in pain anymore is my solace.
Prayers carolinekoxox
9:45 AM CST..."Lotus"...I realize that a "blog" is hardly due compensation for your feelings of being alone, but as you see here, and many other postings elsewhere, there are many who do understand. And being "withdrawn" is a natural response to a loved one's death. Sometimes "just being" allows you to know yourself better and prepares you for the next step. It's like your mind being in a state of "self-repair", if I may risk sounding too corny ! Our culture allows few moments when one can "just be". Perhaps you are not as "withdrawn" as you might believe; you are reaching out, trying to make connections with others responding to a similar life situation. You must believe me when I tell you that I have known clinically withdrawn people under far worse circumstances than your own; they survived intact. Of course it's hard to relate to other's grief when you have enough of your own; just keep in mind the good times you shared with your mother. Those memories may help you move on and rejoin the human race, as I suspect your mother would want you do. Luck to you. J.B. 6/21/09
I lost my 37 yr old daughter 6 yrs ago,, and i still haven't gotten over it. I don't have to much time to grieve, as she left a 4 yr old a 9 yr old and a 19 yr old. The 4 yr old used to go around and ask other women to be her mother, she thinks of me as her mother. There are times i wonder what i coulkd have done to save her, but i know there was nothing. But it still hurts even today. When i go places we used to go and do things her and i did together, i think a lot about her and i cry......You never get over losing a child, after all it's meant for parents to go before their children, t least that's what i believe.But i'm 72 now and i want to live at least til the 10 yr old gets to 16, where she can take care od herself more, she is a daddys girl tho,her dad has tried to raise them without a mother, the oldest now 15 soon 16 is so much more mature, the youngest 10 yr old is still like a child sometimes, but an A and B student, so not too bad. i'm hoping that one day i won't cry when i talk about my daughter..
Hugs LosPazos
Hi, I lost my mom 8 months ago. In just 3 short weeks she died from cancer. Each day gets better and I didn't know just 3 months ago if that would happen, but it does. Much of the article is true, but remember your feeling will lie to you and you have lean on God and your closes people around you help you thur this. I look forward to the days that I can talk freely about mom and not cry, but I'm not there and it's OK, it's hard to lost someone that loved you as much as she loved me. She was God like unconditional love, that from what I see I must get from God and he will fill the void. I wish you peace in your journey.
hi. i lost my boyfriend a few months ago to cancer and i was his primary caregiver for the 2 years that we were together. in the first few weeks after his passing i thought there was no way that i would be able to move on. i feel that now i have come to a place where i never thought i would be - like im starting to enjoy life again. i think im experiencing all the stages at once. sometimes im happy and out of nowhere i'll start crying and feeling guilty for the things i didn't do or say (like right now at 4 in the morning!). but just know that time does ease the pain. i'm sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you
Hugs zidnia
I am so grateful that I have found this site. Although the chances of someone reading it will be slim, which I'm happy about that. I think I just need to talk,no one seems to understand. My mom recently passed, I'm 4 1/2 weeks in and I feel awful. I can not describe the feeling and no one seems to understand. I'm tired, and withdrawn. I've been her caregiver for the past 3 years, and before that I commuted for 5 years every weekend and every holiday. I don't want to go out to dinner, I don't want to get together with friends, I just want to just be. Why does no one understand. I'm trying to put my life back together............