Step 1: Leave enough time to work slowly
Moving a parent from the family home to a new -- and usually smaller -- residence is labor intensive for you and emotionally disruptive for your parent. Your parent's home is more than just a roof over his head: it's the place where he feels most comfortable, a museum of his memories and life stories.
Complicating matters, if your parent lived through the lean Depression years, chances are he's spent a lifetime saving and collecting. Decades of squirreling away can add up to a house that's packed floorboard to rafter with stuff. As you begin organizing for a move, keep in mind that seemingly worthless belongings may have huge sentimental value for your parent, and he'll need time to sort through his things on his own terms. Try to resist the urge to execute the move as quickly as possible.
"It really needs to be a three- to four-month process. You need to give a parent time to go through the love letters, the report cards, and the photographs from the Grand Canyon," says Jacqueline Dollar, a geriatric care manager in Des Moines, Iowa. "It's a wonderful chance to go back and reaffirm the full, productive life that he's had."
Back to TopStep 2: Get the whole family on board
Tempting though it may be, it's not a good idea to "surprise" your parent by sorting through his stuff when he's not around. If you try to make an executive decision about your parent's belongings, chances are, you're headed for a run-in with your parent or siblings. To help prevent emotional flare-ups and ensure a smooth process, schedule a meeting with your family members to discuss your plan of attack well ahead of the move-out date. (If you can't get together, do it by phone.) Hash out some guidelines: Under what circumstances will you call your siblings on "keep or discard" decisions? When will you consult your parent? What key possessions would you, your parent, and your siblings like to keep in the family?
Encourage your parent to actively participate in decisions. For example, adult children often want to throw away old furniture and buy newer, more attractive pieces for their parent's new home. But the parent should be able to pick what comes with him, says Dollar. "Let them take their own furniture if they want to -- they know what will make them most comfortable in their new home, and sentimental value often counts for more than aesthetics."
Back to TopStep 3: Get real about the size of your parent's new place
"In almost every case I've been involved with, people take more stuff than will fit in their new space," says Gayle Grace, a moving coordinator in Oakland, California. "Many times I've been called back in to help do more weeding out after the move."
Avoid this situation by first getting a sense of how much square footage and storage your parent will have in his new home. What he can keep will depend on how much room you have to work with. Getting realistic about space constraints up front -- even sitting down with your parent to sketch out what can go where -- will help force some of the harder decisions about what to get rid of.
Back to TopStep 4: Work room by room
Take on one room -- even one drawer -- at a time. Evaluate the items one by one and sort them into piles located in separate rooms in your parent's house: one for items to move to his new home, one for those you and your siblings might be interested in keeping, one for those to keep in storage, one for those to donate, one for those to sell, and one for those to throw away.
If your thrifty parent is uneasy about tossing anything, donation may be the way to go. Many organizations will arrange a pickup at your parent's home; check your local charities (salvationarmyusa.org, redcross.org, goodwill.org) for pickup policies. Tip: be sure to get a receipt so your parent can deduct the value of the donation on his next tax return.
Furniture and belongings that will go with your parent to his new home should be labeled with their specific new location (living room, kitchen, bedroom) and mapped out on a floor plan of the new home so that the movers know exactly where each item goes.
Back to TopStep 5: Accept your parent's choices, even if you don't understand them
"It can be difficult for a child to understand why her father wants to take a bowling ball with him when he's not in any condition to bowl again," says Dollar. "But clearly that bowling ball means something to him, and he should be able to take it with him."
Obviously, you'll have to make some hard choices about what will and won't fit into your parent's new home. If your parent insists upon keeping more than will fit, you can try to find storage in a family member's home to ease your parent's anxiety. However, there are limits. "If your mother wants to keep her antique spoon collection, she may have to relent on other nonessential items," says gerontologist and home sale expert Cathie Ramey of Walnut Creek, California.
When push comes to shove and your parent is still unwilling to get rid of something, it can help to suggest an alternate route. Taking a photo of the item, keeping a few pieces of a large collection, or finding a good home for a beloved chessboard are some ways to do this. No one wants to see their belongings tossed into a dumpster.
The bottom line is that you'll need to be patient with your parent and allow him to adjust to the changes. If the tension between you has stalled the project, call in a professional to assist you. Professional move managers specialize in assisting older adults and their families with the emotional, physical, and organizational aspects of relocation. You can find a professional in your area on the National Association of Senior Move Managers website .
Back to Top
