Worried about how to talk to someone about incontinence? These potentially awkward conversations proceed best when you're casual, candid, and calm.
What doesn't work
Avoid approaches like these:
1. "I'm sick and tired of cleaning up after you, so I bought you these diapers." (You'll only make the person embarrassed and defensive.)
Better: "I notice you had another night accident. I think it's time to have the doctor check out what's going on." (Acknowledge that it's likely a medical issue.)
2. "Why can't you control yourself?" (They can't. If they could, they wouldn't be incontinent.)
Better: "I know this bothers you. But don't worry; we'll figure out what's wrong and how to work with it." (Use an empathetic approach to make yourself an advocate, not an enemy.)
3. "Are you doing this to spite me?" (No, this isn't about mean-spiritedness.)
Better: "Are you embarrassed? Don't be. I've heard there are lots of different kinds of incontinence, and it's really common." (Keep it from becoming an emotional issue.)
4. "That's it, nothing liquid for you after noon." (People need adequate hydration; rather than arbitrarily withholding liquids, work with a physician to determine the cause of the problem and the right remedy.)
Better: "Not drinking anything isn't healthy for you, so that can't be the answer; let's find out what the doctor thinks." (Be supportive instead of controlling.)
5. "I can't take you anywhere." (You can, with preparation such as incontinence products, using the toilet right before an outing, and slowing beverage intake beforehand.)
Better: "I know it's stressful when you go out and worry about accidents; that's why these briefs are such a good idea. You don't want to stop enjoying life just because of this." (Show that there are solutions.)
6. "Looks like you'll be wearing these for the rest of your life." (Many problems with incontinence are reversible, but even if not, there's no point in emphasizing the negative.)
Better: "Let's see how it goes using these for now." (Don't set up negative -- or unrealistic -- expectations.)
So glad I logged on tonight! I am just starting to deal with this (with both parents it's a "two-fer"-- what a bargain!)and have been trying to find the right balance among the sensitivity, the joking, and the reality. I think maybe not dealing so well? It seems to go ok. Sensitivity says "Oh, this happens to just about everybody I know at some time or another. Humor says "Don't be embarassed--you just didn't hear mother nature call when the phone rang!" Reality? "Well, it would seem that you just shit all over the chair, why don't we just get you and the chair cleaned up, and call a do-over?" It seems to work fine in this nuthouse, but it's so difficult for the Ps at first. Now they can even laugh about it and make their own jokes, but I do worry that it's for my sake--that I'm making jokes about something they don't find very funny. It's becoming another mantra around here--everything is funny if it needs to be. Laugh or be thrown overboard! BUT . . . after reading this piece, I realized that it's the response you get, not how you say what you say, that measures the "degree of difficulty" of the problem. I talk too much (online, by myself, in the middle of the night, lol!), so I'll wrap with the following: My Dad, age 90, is in the supermarket with me--uncharted territory for him--and I realize that he's looking at "PRODUCTS!" I started goofing with him, and he boomed that "Your mother is built like a battleship--you'd better find a size that would fit me!" We were both rolling in the aisle at that point--my Mother is 5'3", and weighs in at a hefty 120. I found him his size, and the worst was over. Naah. He got very brave, and told me that really, what he really wanted, was sanitary napkins--the big ones. What an eye-roller. I drive them everywhere, and they drive me crazy! But I'm getting used to it, and feeling protective. They're trashing my house, and I almost shrug--time to call the carpet cleaners to come back. And then I realize that when they're gone, I can't call them back. It will be done. So if they make a mess, we'll clean it up. Otherwise, it's a flat spin to crazyland! Venting again--better here than elsewhere--it's a treasure of a website!
We've found that avoiding caffeinated drinks really helps if it's a bladder spasming problem or a problem where the sphincter relaxes and opens arbitrarily. We keep the 'favorite chair' (recliner) covered by a waterproof, washable pad, like those they use in the hospital. I've purchased them at a pharmacy. More pharmacies are including an aisle with a variety of self-care products. I shop occasionally just to see what's new.
We've found that avoiding caffeinated drinks really helps if it's a bladder spasming problem or a problem where the sphincter relaxes and opens arbitrarily. We keep the 'favorite chair' (recliner) covered by a waterproof, washable pad, like those they use in the hospital. I've purchased them at a pharmacy. More pharmacies are including an aisle with a variety of self-care products. I shop occasionally just to see what's new.