The inability to perform sexually often (not always) accompanies dementia. The net result -- looking at years of living with a mate but not a sexual partner -- is the same as for those who decide to cease sexual relations with a partner who has advancing dementia. In other words: Now what?
"This becomes a time when people often have affairs," Robbins says -- including devoted spouses who would never have considered such a thing when their partner was healthy. "They feel free of the marital commitment because the person they're with is not the same person anymore."
Again, one is left weighing his or her individual moral and sexual appetite for an affair. People can live 5, 10, 20 years or more with dementia. In cases of early-onset Alzheimer's, for example, the caregiver is often still in his or her sexual prime. Many caregivers have hooked up with a fellow caregiver in the same situation (with or without an emotional commitment), given their parallel physical needs.
Just saw this today. Very good article. A number of members of the Well Spouse ™ Association are in this situation. We offer peer emotional support. There are no easy answers...
Well written article and good comments.
As far as sexual relations are concerned, I felt it was immoral to make love to my husband because he was out of his mind with Alzheimer's. I just accepted the fact that my sex life was over in my 50s. I was also so busy with managing everything by myself for so long, it really was not possible for me to think about a sexual relationship with him or with someone else. Instead I used a vibrator when I needed to release the sexual energy instead of using my husband. Hope this makes sense.
I have not seen this topic discussed. Real life issues need to be discussed by those of us going thru these life altering changes with our spouses. Caregiving for a spouse with dementia is a bummer even when done in love.
Hugs caregiving wife
SCGail, some drugs may increase libido and/or cause disinhibition. Aricept is one of them. If your husband is taking that, talk with his doctor about switching to one of the other cholinesterase inhibitors (Exelon, Razadyne/galantamine). To check his other meds for possible side effects, my favorite website is: http://www.rxlist.com Side effects are given in the 3rd page of each drug listing.
Anonymous said 9 months ago fit my self exactly!! My husband is obessed with sex. He wants to go back to bed hours every day and I have to just lay there to make him happy. If I do not he wants me out of the house and he will find someone else to please him. I truly hate it - I am so pleased to read this so I know I am not the only one with this problem!! At 81 he has very little success but he loves trying to please himself.
The issue that seems to be left out (because it's the one most pertinent to my situation,) is that even when an AD-afflicted husband still understands what sex is about, it is normal that the wife will have completely lost interest. Satisfying sex (at least from a female pov,) requires at least a degree of ability for the parties to connect on the same playing field intellectually or empathically. When a spouse has become so independent that you have to help him get dressed, and he rarely really understands anything you say to him, he MAY still have thoughts of sex in his mind now and then, but they aren't going to be thoughts you feel like reciprocating.
My father-in-law was diagnosed with Alzheimers a few years ago; he is in his 80's. I only suspected that something was wrong when he began acting out toward me, although mentally and in every way he seemed okay. When he would give me a hug, he would some times grope me. I kept it quiet for some time, not wanting to alarm anyone. This was way out of character for him. I finally told my husband, who then had a talk with his mother. She was crushed and could not believe he would do such a thing. Once we finally got a diagnosis, we learned that this behavior can be something that happens at any stage of the disease--not just when it is advanced. He has been a perfect gentleman now for a couple of years. He and his wife are truly a devoted, loving couple who always hold hands and still give each other that "special look". Even though that is as far as it goes, there still seems to be a real connection between them.
I agree that each person needs to find his or her own solution. When the day comes that my husband doesn't even know who I am, I'll have to decide what is right for me. It will be a very personal decision that only I can make.
I've been caring for my great wife for nine years. She seems aware of many things but is very confused and has lost all interest in sex. We have not been intimate for at least seven years. This very difficult and I have not found a solution for myself. Both of us have been monogamous though our 54 years of marriage. Under such circumstances, I consider it perfectly ethical and even appropriate to have relations outside of the marriage. I respect those who will disagree, but it is wrong to criticize those who need to find their own solutions.
All info provided regarding this issue.
I'm the anonymous from 9 months ago, and since then, my husband's ability is completely gone, so that's that. It's horrible to lose so much. I hate this disease.
Paula, kudos to you for tackling this subject. The silence has indeed been deafening. You left out a big one, though, that I'd like to see you add: When the spouse in a facility develops a relationship with another resident and they begin having sexual activity with each other...
Hugs caregiving wife
Prayers In-Law Caregiver
doesn't relate to my situation
Good article with lots of things to think about. My husband has Alz and has lost much of his ability to participate in sex, but not his desire. Even when everything's working for him, it's still futile to expect satisfaction for myself. So I don't even allow myself to become aroused, since I know now it won't happen for me and I'll just end up frustrated. However, If I concentrate on making him happy and think of it as giving a "gift" to my beloved husband when he's losing so many other pleasures, it's satisfying in a different way.