Understanding how older adults see housing

You sit down with a handful of colorful brochures and a burst of optimism to have "the housing talk" with a relative or the person you're caring for -- to help her sort through all the options as she gets older and her needs change. But instead of thanks you get emotions: an angry outburst, maybe even tears, and the accusation that you're trying to "put" her somewhere.

Of course you have to talk to her about her options. But being prepared for the psychological roadblocks you're likely to hit when you broach the subject will help make that conversation more productive, and maybe even pleasant.

David Solie, author of How to Say It to Seniors: Closing the Communication Gap With Our Elders, put it this way in an interview with Caring.com: "You have to understand exactly what you're asking of older people when you ask them to move. You're asking them to give up the equivalent of water or oxygen."

An older adult's home represents control.

You're asking the person to let go of control at a time when age itself may be making her feel she's losing control over so much else -- fundamentals like mobility, vision, hearing, their very ability to navigate the world.

Look at housing from her point of view.

Try visiting a retirement community or nursing home that you'd consider for this person. Imagine you're an older adult on her way in the door with no ticket out. What may appear to be a beautifully run community -- if you don't have to live there -- could look to her like the end of the road.