In our rush to be supportive, it's all too easy to fall back on such encouraging and inspirational messages. But they can give breast cancer patients a deep-seated feeling of failure. "I call this the Lance Armstrong syndrome, this idea that if you have the right fighting spirit you can overcome disease," says Knajdl. "I admire Armstrong, and he's done great things to publicize cancer, but this idea that people can triumph over cancer with will power and an upbeat attitude is just crazy. There are all sorts of factors that contribute to why some people recover and some don't. The truth is, some people just get lucky."

This problem tends to come up with cancer survivors in particular, who may believe very deeply that their attitude, philosophy, spiritual focus, or belief in healing helped them survive. And hearing such stories can make some people feel hopeful and optimistic. But if things aren't going well -- if a scary test result has just come in, if chemo's side effects are almost unbearable, if the person you care about is facing the fact that her cancer may not be curable -- then hearing others' tales of triumph may not be helpful.

What to say instead: The best way to help her feel positive and hopeful is to just keep reassuring her that you're in this together, and that you'll keep caring for her and supporting her and making her as comfortable as possible during her treatment.If she expresses guilt about being downhearted or compares herself negatively to someone who seems to have recovered out of sheer will power, don't hesitate to talk about the power that luck and fortune have over all of our fates. Let her know you believe in her, and admire her strength and pluck. Reassure her that she's dealing with the hand of cards she's been played with admirable perseverence, resilience, and optimism.