Your relationship to the person who died doesn't end with his or her death; it changes. "The goal of grieving is not to let go but to find a way to hold on with less pain," Neimeyer says.
Simon Ruben of Israel's University of Haifa describes the grieving process as being "two-tracked," with two processes happening simultaneously. On one track, we cope with the visible symptoms and emotions (anger, depression, sleeplessness, and so on). On the other track, less obvious but equally important, we're working to reframe our relationship to the loved one who has died.
Nobody forgets a loved one. The question is, how do we hold him or her in our memory, our rituals, and our conversation in a way that's manageable, possibly even comforting, rather than painful?
What helps:
Reminiscing aloud. "Loss is so taboo in American culture. You're supposed to have a funeral and move on," says Jennifer Amandari of Los Angeles, who lost her mother when she was 16 and then lost an infant daughter six years ago. "But not talking about the person stunts your ability to heal and work the loss into your life."
Having your grief witnessed. When psychologist Robert Neimeyer's teenage son got choked up at Thanksgiving on realizing he was seated in his late grandmother's chair, the table conversation came to a halt. Rather than rushing the awkward moment, someone shared his own memory of her. "We all began to recall 'Gloria stories,' and it was a beautiful moment that allowed us to continue a connection to her," Neimeyer says.
Reflecting on the legacy of the person who died (alone or with others). How did he or she inspire you? What was his or her life's meaning and purpose? Questions like these help shape a perspective on the seeming meaninglessness of death.
Following rituals that celebrate or honor the deceased. Victorians made an art of the rituals of remembrance, from wearing black and jewelry made from the hair of the deceased to producing funeral cards and postmortem photography. Such traditions help survivors maintain a connection and continuity. Family members join Lisa Byers of Toledo, Ohio, on an annual visit to the grave of her late husband, who died of a heart attack at age 46. Patti Anderson, who lives in Cincinnati, joins her out-of-state sisters in annual trips for their mother's birthday. They've turned it into a memorial to her, complete with a special dinner devoted to reminiscing. Another family sends balloons aloft on the anniversary of their father's death -- followed by a dinner at his favorite restaurant.
Creating a memorial. Cherie Spino and her sisters plan to make a wall hanging from scraps of their mother's clothing that they'd saved. Others have found solace in creating scrapbooks or PowerPoint presentations with old photos, symbolically lighting a Caring candle and posting a dedication, or planting a tree or garden.
My brother and I have been the primary caregivers for Mom. She was such a trooper and was willing to try everything that she and her doctor could think of to manager her hypertension and chronic stomach pain that sometimes debilitated her. A year ago, her condition worsened and her heart became weak. She slowly realized she could no longer do a lot of things on her own. Eventually, we grinded all her meals, washed her hair, bathed her, and helped her change her clothing. She used to enjoy watching cartoons and of course with one of us sitting next to her. It was sad to see her deteriorating--difficulty standing up, no interest in eating, sleeping alot, communicating mainly with hand gestures rather than speaking. With a fighting spirit, she wanted to live but had to accept that there was no cure. Then, she said, "I'm 90 years old, why can't I die". Within a few weeks, and further deterioration of her health, we knew she would probably not last through Christmas. Going in and out of consciousness, with moans of "I'm dying", she reached out her arms and gave me a long hard hug. I knew that it was her goodbye because she was not a physical person. I said, "Mom, if you are ready to go, everything is ok, so you can go." Of course, I was trying not to burst out crying then. Right afterwards, she reached out again and gave a long hug to my brother. Within a few minutes, she went into a semi-comatose state and the next morning she passed away. I was sorry I was not there when it happened, but my brother was. I had thought of the possibility that Mom wanted to spare me witnessing her passing, knowing that it would hit me harder. My brother and I cared for her for 7 years so it is difficult getting used to her no longer being here and needing us. I think it will take a long time for us to get over the grieving process. This article is helping me to sort out my feelings.
I thought the information about what is normal is always helpful. When I do grief counseling, clients almost always ask if what they are feeling is "normal". I like the things that help "list" as well. People often think that death ends a relationship; it doesn't, but it does change it, sometimes in ways that are hard to imagine at the beginning of the grief process.
Anger has always been my response to illness and grief - it helped to read I could put it to good use because it is a very heavy burden affecting my life. Watching and caring for my Mom and Brother thru their cancer journeys,and now my husband ,I feel just an intense anger,and this site has helped me. I am so glad I found it!
My husband and I had birthdays 18 days apart (he was 13 years older). Most years we would celebrate them some time in between the dates. On the years where one of us had a "significant" birthday (ending in zero or five), we would celebrate on that person's special day. Next Sunday, I will be 60. We won't be able to celebrate it together. Add that to the holidays and my grief seems to know no bounds this year. I know I will adjust but wish I knew when. This is the first time in my entire life I have been 100% on my own. It's been scary at times. Knowing that others have survived these feelings helps.
Guilty, lonely.
I feel some of the advise on dealing with grief might help me.
very helpful thank you especially the part about letting go not being the issue but learning to hold on with less pain... i just have to figure out how to still mother him, how to help him just be his mom...somehow..i think celebrating his birthday with a reunion is important to his syblings and myself...
This so helpful to let us see we share commonalities at the same time we share differences. May all os in this group experience peace and gratitude for all that our late loved ones enriched our lives with. Our late daughter and her stillborn son gave me so much more than I gave them.
Being given permission to grieve in my own way, at my own pace. Sometimes I feel like I should be over my dad's death by now--after all, it happened nearly 2 years ago. But next Wednesday is what would have been his 89th birthday, and I still miss him terribly.
Hugs a widow
The hurt still won't go, but at least I know it's a normal process.
we take "stages" too literally. it's more ASPECTS of grief... i learned first-hand how the five "aspects" of grief can tsunami my whole emotional being .... and this after "learning and knowing how to deal with grief" -- took me over five years to come out of the fog, but there will always be a sense of "passionate sadness" (Brown) at the loss of my 35yo fiance. (took seven years before i could say that i was enjoying life again) the advantage of knowing is then you can recognize these aspects and process through them. i wish that this was taught from grade school on, as it is a great lesson for ANY type of loss or trial --not just death.
Hugs a widow, lynee
VNSNY blogger Vince Corso wrote about this very topic "First, what do we know about grief? Well, it’s unique to each individual experiencing it and it never progresses in a straight line." Read the entire post at http://blogs.vnsny.org/2011/02/14/lather-rinse-repeat/
Hugs Jeannieg
Many things..knowing that the different aspects of grief overlap and can recur without any particular reason. The thought that we have to form a new emotional relationship with the deceased, a new way of thinking of him that will not hurt as bad as remembering him sick and dying. That it's ok to cry whenever you feel like it...like now.
Hugs Emily M.
I found in my early days of grief that small changes in environment provided me greater changes in focus and attitude. My book, Room For Change: Practical Ideas for Reviving After Loss , helps to jumpstart ways in which the "griever" may be able to support themselves in new and simple ways every day. Would you like to sip a different flavor of tea today? Or walk the dog around the block the opposite way? Maybe a bird feeder outside the window or a tiny herb plant on the window sill may provide some meditative enjoyment. Remember that your environment can support you , even when you think no one can. Think simple, small and grand steps will be taken. Questions, ideas? Let me hear. Blessings. Susan www.revivalredesign.com
Hugs Joy
Where do i begin and how can i convey the impact of losing my husband without any notice. You start your day as usual, off to work and expect to come home and continue your life as you always have. I received a call from my 14 year old daughter who was incoherent, i could not understand what she was telling me but i knew somehing was really wrong. I finally realized that her and her dad were picking up our son at school when he collapsed and drove the car on a snow bank in front of the school. They pulled her out of the car and away from her father and began trying to help him. They kept the children sheltered while they cared for him. My family came to find out what happened and i was on my way from work, trying despirately to get there in time. By the time i reached the school, they had taken him away to the hospital. My sister took me to the hospital and it was too late. He was gone. I can still picture it all, in the back of my mind, i stayed with him until they pulled me off and made me leave. Nothing would ever be the same. Now it was me and our four children, walking around in a new world,, one we did not want to be in. One you could never imagine. I thank god for my family and for my husband's family. We would not have survived without them. My sister and mother were by my side every step of the way. The last words my daughter heard her father say was "daddy's sick". I cant get those words out of my head, what did my daughter go through. Why did my angel have to experience this in her short lifetime. It is four years later and i still strugle to find our new life, one that would include laughter and fun. Rather then just going through the motions of living. So many up and downs to go through. The children all seem to be doing well now, I do wish they would share more of their feelings and thoughts about their dad whether they are positive or not. Well that's all i want to say for now, i appreciate having the opportunity to put some of my story to words and wish all those who post stories the strength to find their way to a new life and find a good place inside of themselves to hold their lost loved ones.
Hugs ReenieK, stav, nettieperdue
Prayers Joy, a widow
I was very moved by this article. I lost my grandmother in September, 2009, and then my dad in December, 2009. We found some comfort in phases of grief is a much better characterization of my loss/grief than stages of grief. I try to forge a new normal and then drift back on occasion to disbelief. Thank you for the permission to grieve. I too believe that "it takes as long as it takes." It is also hard to watch those around you grieve. Watching my mom become a widow after 50+ years of marriage is one of the saddest chapters of my life. But I am also heartened by her courage. This is definitely not of her choosing, yet she continues to renegotiate life on its terms. Praise God that he bestows comfort and clarity at a time that we cannot.
This was a good, sensitive article exposing many of the different ways that the process of adapting to the loss of a loved one occurs in different people. Simply pointing out that grief is actually a process of adaptation rather than a series of stages through which one passes and then moves on is very valuable.
I hate to say this but I dont think I went through a period of grief after my husband of 65 years died, If aything I felt a great relief and freedom. For years I had been his sole caregiver without any help. He had a bad heart and dementia (not Alzheimers). The dementia was the worst. It was like living on the edge of a cliff. Suddenly I had wings to fly. No, I did not grieve. I missed the man he used to be but not the man he had become.
Hugs Joy, Sopka
The various senarios that you talk about, ie, unexpected and expected. There is a huge difference in griving. The stages that you use and the points for healing. My husband died 2/20/10. His memorial was a Celebration of a Life Well Lived using his favorite songs and telling favorite memories. It was a wonderful way for the family to join together in a positive way. I will find a way to remember the date next month in a similar way, particularly for the grandchildren.
Boo Bear - know that I am here with you today in prayer. I know you are grieving so very hard and feel so helpless. I really don't have answers for you, but I do want you to call your best friend and have him or her with you. If you attend a church call and ask for help. If you don't attend a church find one anyway and talk to the pastor. You need support now, and regular stroke agencies will not be open until Tuesday since it is a holiday. But when Tuesday comes, go to your local stroke association and get help. I feel you pain so deeply in my heart and will be praying for you. In love and caring, Joy
The love of my life passed away this last Friday January 14, 2011. Larry was 51 years young and died after a massive stroke here at our home on January 12, 2011. We have been together for 6 years. We lived as husband and wife in every sense of the word but never got around to getting "married". The grief I feel now is so intense I can't breathe. We had discussed death before and our wishes as both of our parents were older and in not so good health but never put anything in writing as we thought all of our families knew we would take care of each other in death as we did in life. I stayed with him in the hospital from the time it happened until he took his last breath in my arms. his oldest son never once came to the hospital even though he lived 15 miles away until after his father had passed at which point I was dismissed from the bedside and asked when can I come get my dad's stuff. I was so shocked and in disbelief all I could do was stand there. My grief is overwhelming and now I am dealing with it alone. I have been cut out of the funeral planning and have no idea where he is or what his final service and resting spot will be.. I feel so lost and alone right not being able to be with him in this last stage of his earthly life. I am at our house and everywhere I look I see and feel him, I am so sick and feel so helpless about everything that is going on I can't function and yet I have to have his things ready for his son to pick up this evening. My life feels like it is out of control and I can't even begin to start packing his belongings up..it feels like they are just ripping him out of my arms again like we never exsisted together. I am reading online trying to find a way to cope with all that is going on right now and I just want to die.. I kneo this isn't how Larry thought it would happen and I am trying so hard to just survive right now without breaking down. I look around our home and see him doing all the silly things he used to do to make me smile and laugh and all I can do is cry.. I know this is rambling to most of you but writing it seems to help I hopeyou all don't mind my babbling... Peace and heartfelt wishes to you all! Terry
Hugs Joy, thesorrel, HBOLsunshine
Prayers HBOLsunshine, kayepeanyc, a widow
My mother passed away 3 months ago. I am so glad I was there with her and she let me be there (versus her passing away when I wasn't present). I followed her wishes (Living Will). She had no quality of life the past months and just laid in bed unable to move. She had crippling rheumatoid arthritis and couldn't feed herself. I know she is better off, and I too see signs from her, whether it is words from the hymns we sang at her funeral in my daily devotions, or seeing a bird. I miss her. I feel very lonely right now. I am an only child. Just when I think I am doing fine, I regress - all normal, I know. I keep my questioning myself too, if I could have done things differently. Thanks goodness for my Pastor and church. I couldn't get through this without my faith, with which my Mom raised me.
It has now been 9 months since I first wrote here...and, 9 months since my dear mother-in-law passed. I read the article completely again and saw so many things in it that still attribute to me and my grieving process. As her sole caregiver for so many months, we had grown very attached to each other. Betty had had Alzheimer's for many years, most unrecognized by those who knew her. She was so good at covering up! ;) By the time we stepped in and had her move in with us, we had no real clues as to how far along the disease had progressed. I did all the research, asked all the right questions...wanted to learn all I could so that we would be prepared on what to look for and how to help her the best we could. It wasn't enough. We didn't see the end coming as quickly as it did. We thought we had more years with her...not just the months that we had. Her and I had talked about her passing, many times, with me promising to honor her wishes, when the time came. No heroics were to be given...she was ready to go and be with those she loved who had passed long before her. I also promised that I would be with her throughout and do all I could for her. The last two weeks of her life came quickly. She seemed to be okay (for her and her condition)...maybe slowing down a bit, but, we really weren't that concerned yet. When I put her in a hospital bed on the main floor here, I still thought it was temporary. That she was just exhausted from having her daughter visit for a week. It quickly became apparent that was not the case and so I went into "do what you have to to make her comfortable" phase. I might add that I had some wonderful help from a local hospice during the last 6 or 7 months. They were able to guide me...and assure me that we were doing the right thing for her. I called all the family in, from near and far away. Even the couple that were not able to get here in person were able to spend time talking to her through the computer. Everyone got to say their good-byes, and she got to tell them all that she loved them. By that point, that was pretty much all she could say. After 5 days of being bedridden, she slipped into a deep sleep and hung in there for a week and a half. She had long stopped eating anything or drinking (no I.V.'s were to be used because these were life sustaining methods that she did not want). We had to put her on morphine for extreme pain (her regular pain meds no longer worked once her defenses came down), along with an additional med for severe body spasms. We could not understand how she was hanging in there...let alone, why. All of us had told her over and over that it was okay for her to go, that we didn't want her to suffer anymore and it was time to go and be with God and her loved ones. She was never alone. I kept questioning why...why is she hanging on?? Then, one sleepless night (her daughter covered the late night shift that night), I found myself questioning (as I had been since this all started), what had happened to her...could I have done anything differently to prolong her life...should I have done anything differently...was I doing the right thing for her by not giving her the liquids..was she okay with the decisions I had made for her, even though I was questioned by family members about some of it?? I stood my grounds with them (she had made me her medical director) and continued my course with her wishes. Anyway, about 5 that morning, such a clarity came over me. None of the questions no longer mattered...this was how it was going to be and that I shouldn't question myself. I had loved her to the utmost and taken care of her as well as I could have. It was almost as if she were talking to me. I felt so relieved! I went down to relieve my sister-in-law. I talked with Betty about what had occurred while I was going through my questioning. I told her again how much I loved her and that it really was okay for her to go. My sister-in-law came back to the room about 8. We talked for a bit and I excused myself from the room to do a couple of things real quick while she bathed her mother. I was out of the room for about 10 minutes when my step-daughter came running in crying...saying she was gone. I rushed in...felt for pulses...felt her chest...she was gone. Very peacefully...no gasping, no last breath...she just stopped. At first, I couldn't believe that she had gone that quickly. I expected there to be some slowing of breathing...things like that. Signs. There were none. I had wanted to be there beside her, holding her hand and helping her to cross. Eventually, I realized that she went on her own time...and that she had probably been waiting for me to come to terms with all of it. And, that she had wanted me to be out of the room when she went. She knew that I was going to take it hard, and I did. Even knowing what the outcome was going to be, I took it extremely hard. However, we called in the local family and made all of our other calls. The hospice nurse came out and pronounced her. We called the funeral place to come get her. I never left her side. I stayed with her, and helped, move her to their gurney. While the other family members waited in another room, I walked with her out to their van, holding her hand the entire way. Before we lifted her into the van, I gave her one last kiss. It was over. I had fulfilled my duties to her...I stayed with her and made sure she did not leave my house alone. Can we say hard?? Yes...very! But, definitely something I had to do. I spoke at her funeral, along with many family members. I started out by saying, "Good Morning, Sunshine!" This was what I said to her every morning and she would just smile! The whole process is kind of blurry to me. I went into a deep depression afterward. As a caregiver who had centered my life around her needs and spent every day making sure that her care came first, I had lost all of that, not to mention my close companion and dear, dear friend. The grieving process has not been easy for me. Probably much harder on me then the rest, due to how close we had become. In the beginning, she sent me definite signs that she was okay...that she was happy and where she wanted to be....especially with birds (both real and not real, they would just show up in strange ways). She was trying to comfort me. As the months have gone by, still very hard. I still experience the "Betty would have loved this" and it pains me so much. However, in saying that, it is lessening a bit. Not quite as quick to cry now. But, I do still cry. I miss her so much at times. For so many reasons. Grief is such an odd thing...sometimes you think you are getting through it and then, out of nowhere, something will trigger you and you are crying again. Everything I/we do this first year is always a first without her. The holidays were so hard...she so loved Christmas and how much I decorated my entire house every year!! I've gotten through them (you don't really have a choice on that), but, with sadness. I have no clue how long it will be before I stop crying completely and only look back at her life in celebration, but, until then, I continue to come on this site and be comforted by knowing I am not alone in all of this. God bless all of us who are going or will be going through such hard times.
Hugs Laura Lankford
Prayers Boo Bear
Yes....... realised this a while ago and know it to be true. No stages, only phases that overlapp too.
Update: My husband of 54 years died in February 2010. His death was peaceful. I was so grateful that I had made all of the plans in advance. I was also grateful that I had taken the time to go through some of the stages of death during the year I was living alone. The entire family had spent quality time, even flying in on a regular basis. The transition was as smooth as it can be under the circumstances of death. We all felt content with no regrets.
Prayers HBOLsunshine
be happy that the suffering is over also take time to say i did all that i could for him or her and be happy that your loved one is in a better place
I am also going through the process of death now. Some of the experiences I have already transitioned through. My husband has Lewybody/Alzheimers and moved to a skilled nursing facility 9 months ago, so I have already experienced living alone. Because of his illness, in some ways he is already gone and in others is quite alive. I have asked the question "Who am I now?" and have been writing down my thoughts. I don't want to have to plan after the fact, so I have already made all of the end of life arrangements, and have even written down how the memorial service will go. I have shared all of this with my children. He has started his transition and I find him talking to "angels" or others in the room sometimes. I find it quite comforting. Therefore I am just enjoying loving him each and every day that we have left.
As someone who will be going through these stages at any hour now, I so appreciated reading this. My mother-in-law is here at out home, where she will pass peacefully and comfortably, as were her wishes. With a house full of relatives and loved ones, I will be printing out this article for everyone to read. I am sure that it will be of help to many of them. Thank you for publishing this article on your site.
These "NEW" stages of grief are basically the same as the old ones - just rehashed. Same old, same old. What IS new is having the experts admit that "there's no timetable." As anybody who has ever lost anyone knows, the grief never really ends...