Planning for a funeral or memorial
Ironically, final arrangements commonly associated with death -- including obituary notices, services, burial or internment, and more -- are among life's most expensive purchases, running an average of $6,000 for basics and well over $10,000 when flowers and limos are added to the total. Surviving family members' guilt and grief, combined with greed on the part of some unscrupulous industry providers, often complicate the picture. There are, however, ways to plan in advance for final arrangements.
Get wishes in writing
Ideally, you and the person you're caring for should discuss and plan for these needs during his lifetime -- ensuring that any final ceremonies and goods such as caskets or urns are in keeping with his tastes and wishes. To remove doubt, it's best to get his specific directions in writing. You might be surprised to find out that most people, particularly older adults, have quite specific ideas about what they envision happening after their deaths -- and most of them are relieved to express them.
Such written directives won't be legally binding on anyone, but they usually speak loudly and clearly to family members who might want to second-guess or contradict those wishes. And a record of desires for final arrangements made with a funeral or memorial society can act as a legal contract.
Many people in our death-averse society simply avoid having this conversation for as long as they can. But without advance written instructions, it can be difficult to decide on the best fit in terms of preferences, beliefs, and budget when it comes to matters as deeply personal as funeral or memorial arrangements. And during the vulnerable time after a death, surviving family members are often ill-equipped to ask the right questions and do the comparison shopping that's required to make wise choices.
The role of funeral homes and mortuaries
Fortunately, most funeral homes and mortuaries are equipped to handle many of the details related to disposing of a person's remains. These include:
- Collecting the body from the place of death
- Storing the body until it's buried or cremated
- Making burial arrangements with a cemetery
- Preparing the body for burial
- Arranging to have the body transported for burial
By looking into arrangements ahead of time, you can -- and should -- compare the services and costs that local establishments offer.
After my husband died 3 years ago I immediately prepaid my funeral, left specific instructions and even wrote my obit. I wish everyone would do this. My health is good but let's face it: no one lives forever. Preparing ahead doesnt make you die any sooner.
My husband stalled telling me what he wanted done, but we finally got it done on his 4th day or so of in-home hospice care. I typed it up, he signed it, and we sent a copy to each of his 4 children. On his final day I moved him to the V.A. hospice care and wish I'd thought of it sooner. Because I did that, they paid about 1/2 of his cremation expenses which were $1800.00. The funeral home was very thoughtful about everything. His ashes are now in some of his favorite places!
My parents belonged to a memorial society and had detailed instructions on the funeral home to use and on the funeral and burial details. It was extremely helpful when my father passed away last May - we didn't have to make tough decisions when under stress. My parents wanted only a "simple burial" which kept costs down. It is well worth the pre-planning.
This is great advice, and would add that our funeral homes help the family with much more than just burial arrangements. We understand that this is a hard time for the families involved and we want to make sure that we help them not only with the funeral arrangements, but also be a resource for financial questions, etiquette, managing/closing estates. We talk a bit more on these subjects on our blog as well: www.dignitymemorialnc.com