What to Do If Your Parents Refuse to Stop Driving

Quick summary

What should you do if you've monitored your parents' driving and are persuaded that they pose a risk, but they refuse to stop driving?

Many elderly people elect to stop driving proactively if they suspect they're developing driving problems or someone mentions the issue. Others stubbornly insist that their driving is as good as it ever was and tune out anyone who tells them differently.

If your parents refuse to acknowledge the problem, try these strategies:

Talk to your parents' friends

If you've had no luck persuading your parents to give up their car, see if their friends can help. Research shows that elderly drivers are more likely to listen to those outside the family when it comes to their driving. Be discreet, and consider your parents' feelings. Talk to only their closest friends: people they trust and whom you know have your parents' best wishes at heart. Find out if these friends share your concerns. If they do, they may be willing to talk to your parents themselves.

Talk to your parents' doctors

Let your parents' primary care physician know that you think your parents should stop driving and they refuse to do so. Under privacy laws, a physician must have a patient's permission to share personal health information, so unless you have medical power of attorney, your parents' physician won't be able to discuss their health status with you. But you can still write or telephone the physician and inform her that you believe your parents should stop driving and why. The physician can examine your parents with this information in mind, and if she agrees with your assessment, may be willing to advise your parents to stop driving. (A number of states now require physicians to notify the Department of Motor Vehicles if a patient is diagnosed with Alzheimer's or another health condition that could affect driving safety.) If your parents' vision is compromised, you can also contact their eye doctor.

File a report with the Department of Motor Vehicles

If it doesn't work to talk to your parents' friends or physician, or if these steps don't yield results, you can file an unsafe driver report with your state's Department of Motor Vehicles. (Police officers and physicians can also file unsafe driver reports.) Contact your state's DMV to find out the exact procedure, as rules vary from state to state. DMVs generally take such reports seriously, although many are too understaffed to respond quickly. Your letter should include your reasons for making the complaint, as well as information about how authorities can contact your parents. Be as specific as you can when outlining your reasons for believing that your parents pose a driving risk.

After receiving a complaint, the state agency will contact your parents and request a medical evaluation. The agency might also require a driving test. Depending on the findings of these evaluations, they could either restrict your parents' licenses (some elderly people cannot drive on the highway or at night, for example) or revoke the licenses altogether.

Take more serious steps

If your parent has a cognitive problem and can't understand the danger he poses to himself and others, you may have to take more extreme measures. Some adult children have resorted to having their parents' car disabled or found ways to make it disappear; others have hidden the car keys -- and have never found them. In The Driving Dilemma, Elizabeth Dugan cautions adult children to use such "extralegal steps" only in cases where there's a clear danger and the driver is incapable of understanding the risk.