When Your Parents Can No Longer Drive

Quick summary

There's no denying that giving up driving can be a difficult step for our parents -- often far more difficult than we anticipate. But you can be a valuable source of emotional and practical support as they get used to life without wheels, by listening carefully to their worries and joining them as they try out alternative ways of getting around.

Why giving up driving can be so difficult for aging parents

The decision to give up driving is difficult for anyone. It's one thing to talk about giving up driving in the abstract. It's quite another to suddenly find yourself unable to go where and when you like. The Beverly Foundation, which focuses on transportation options for older people, conducted interviews with seniors in 20 different focus groups; a few excerpts from these conversations illustrate the powerful feelings that driving evokes in many people:

"Driving is the key to life."

"To limit your driving is to limit your life."

"I will always love my wheels."

Driving allows people a measure of independence; conversely, for many people, giving up the keys is the watershed event that pushes them toward dependence and decline. Given all these factors, it's likely your parents will need your support and involvement when it's time to park the car for good.

How you can help

There are a number of ways you can help your parents come to terms with this major life change:

• Talk -- and listen. Make a point of being available to your parents during this period. They may not complain or express their sadness and sense of loss directly; you may have to initiate the discussion. Let them express their feelings; try not to argue with them or play the role of Pollyanna ("Look on the bright side, Dad. No more parking hassles!"). Instead, ask open-ended questions and encourage them to express their fears and apprehensions about what life will be like without a car. During these first discussions, don't jump in with solutions. Just let them talk and air their grief and anger. Later on, you can begin brainstorming and offering practical advice. Many older people fear that giving up the car will increase their isolation, so your presence and concern will reassure them that they don't have to face this passage alone.

• Don't rush to sell your parents' car if they want to hold onto it. Keeping their car for now will help your parents get used to the change in their lives and give them an important connection to their past. Honor their wishes if they want you to drive their car when you take them on errands or to doctors' appointments.

• Help your parents find alternative means of transportation. Even before your parents give up driving, it's a good idea to encourage them to check out their transportation options -- and to help them do it. Buses and taxis are obvious alternatives, but there are others as well. Many areas now have a variety of senior transportation services. Some senior centers have their own bus services or offer taxi vouchers for senior transport.

Under the 1990 Americans With Disabilities Act, public transit services are required to provide transportation options -- known as "Paratransit" -- for people with disabilities, including the frail elderly. To qualify for paratransit, an individual must be unable to use the public transportation system independently. Depending on your parents' health condition, they may qualify for paratransit service.

To find out more about paratransit and other transportation services for seniors in your area, here are some good places to start:

• The U.S. Administration on Aging offers an Eldercare Locator that provides information on eldercare services in your area. You can call 800-677-1116 to reach an information specialist.
• AARP's website offers a State by State Guide to Transportation Assistance that features local transportation information around the United States.

You can help your parents compile a list of alternative sources of transportation, and post it in a convenient place.

If your parents have friends who also don't drive, you could encourage them to pool their resources and hire a college student for part-time or occasional driving services. Brainstorming with your parents will help them set priorities and plan ahead. For example, they may want to make a habit of taking a taxi rather than a bus if they're pressed for time and must be someplace at a specific hour, as for a doctor appointment. If they're going to visit a friend and have no particular deadline, they may want to take a bus. If they balk at the cost of taxis or driving services, remind them how much they're saving on gasoline, car maintenance, and insurance.

If your parents have been in the habit of driving everywhere, they may not think of walking to nearby shops or restaurants. Offer to join them for a walk to the post office or the beauty parlor, and they're likely to find they enjoy the fresh air and exercise.

• Help your parents get started. Offer to accompany your parents the first few times they take public transpiration. If they're used to driving, they may be fearful of taking the bus or the streetcar. Your company will help them learn the system and feel safe and confident enough to try it on their own.

• Try online shopping, banking, and other services . Now that they don't drive, your parents may want to explore online options for shopping and other services. Many grocery stores now allow customers to shop online, and deliver groceries to the door. Your parents can also do their banking online, saving a trip to the bank and the post office. If they're not particularly computer savvy, you can help them get started by walking them through the system a few times.

• Encourage your parents to develop new interests . Many seniors dread giving up the car because they equate "driving privilege loss with negation of personal effectiveness," according to a General Motors report on older drivers. It's important for your parents' outlook and well-being that they continue to feel that their lives have purpose, whether they can still drive or not. If your parents seem bored or lonely or are spending a lot of time in front of the TV, you might want to encourage them to develop new interests or resume old ones. Many volunteer organizations welcome senior participants. Your parents may enjoy tutoring at the local grammar school or reading to children at a hospital, for example. Maybe they could take up a new musical instrument or join a book club. Many senior centers offer classes, or your parents could enroll at the local community college or university. These activities will have the added benefit of helping your parents make new friends and feel part of a wider community.

• Be available . As much as you can, support your parents through this transition. Check in on them often, by phone or in person. Offer to drive them to appointments and other commitments when you can, or arrange for others to drive them. Encourage your older children to visit them, too, and to drive them on errands. Invite your parents on family outings and to children's school events. Your support will help them stay connected and reassure them that -- with or without a car -- their lives can still be full and satisfying.