- Let your friend or relative take the lead when exploring legacy issues. For example, your father may have mentioned his Air Force buddy as a way to explore the subject of the war itself and unresolved feelings he may have about his war experience. If you miss the signals and focus exclusively on his relationship with his buddy, you may miss the opportunity to learn more about experiences that hold particular meaning for him. Listen carefully for the underlying themes he's exploring, and ask questions to draw him out.
- Be open to painful subjects and memories if they come up. It's natural to wish to spare the person's feelings -- and your own -- particularly if a topic is one that has been taboo for as long as you can remember. But your grandfather's drinking problem, your father's nightmarish childhood, or your mother's infidelity are all a part of your family's history -- and your parents' legacy. Dealing with these subjects isn't easy, but if your discussions are conducted in an atmosphere of love and honesty, these family secrets will lose their terrifying power -- and your conversations will bring you and your family closer.
- Avoid control issues. Your family friend is frail but refuses to move out of her house. Your father won't take the medication his physician prescribes. These types of control issues are common between people in midlife and older adults. Because of the many losses they face each day, older adults tend to become rigid and resistant to change. It's important to avoid power struggles when you can because they can strain your relationship and undermine your ability to help them in their crucial legacy work.
If the person you're caring for isn't impaired, it's best to tell her your opinion, give her your best advice, and then drop the issue -- unless it's a critical health matter, in which case you may want to get her doctor to weigh in.
- With your parents, accept your own role. Most parents consider raising their children to be among their greatest accomplishments, so as an adult child, you are your parents' legacy. Your relationship with them is very important and it's worth working on if there are problems or misunderstandings that have never been resolved. Just spending time with you is important, too, and something they likely cherish. Grandchildren are also part of your parents' legacy, of course, so these relationships should be nurtured as well.
- Address a negative legacy with a relative. What if you have a difficult or practically nonexistent relationship with a parent or another relative? Depending on your history together, you may want to contact her before it's too late, to see whether any kind of reconciliation is possible. In some cases, resolving your differences isn't possible or even desirable and there's no point in forcing it, but people do tend to mellow with age, and you may find that she's anxious to reconnect and move beyond your differences while there's still time.
Remember that building a legacy isn't a discrete task with a beginning and an end. It takes a lifetime to construct a legacy, and the person you're caring for will continue to work on hers as long as she lives. In the meantime, making the most of your time together will add to the rich tapestry of her life -- and to your memories of her after she's gone.
As David Solie says, helping someone build her legacy may be heartbreaking and difficult at times, and you're sure to hear things you don't want to hear. "But you'll hear wonderful, inspiring, amazing things, too," he says. "This is [her] final debriefing, the end of [her] story, and you don't want to miss it."
For ways to help an older adult give her legacy tangible form, see Helping Your Parents Create a Meaningful Legacy: Practical Ideas.
