The person you care for is scared, angry, or in tears, and you want her to feel better. But unfortunately, a statement like this makes it sound as if you want her to put her feelings, which are natural and unavoidable, under wraps. "In this situation, it's okay to get worked up, and it's okay to vent," says Knajdl. "We have this fear of feelings getting out of control. But people need opportunities to cry or get angry or get upset, and if you can help her express these feelings and get them out, in the end she'll feel better."

What to say instead: If you don't know what to say, it's okay not to say anything at all, Knajdl says. Just offer the comfort of your presence, a hug, or an arm around the shoulders. Allowing some silence without rushing to fill it gives her a chance to say what's on her mind in her own time. Perhaps she's afraid of pain, afraid of letting you down, or frustrated by feeling incapacitated by her illness.