Why giving up driving is so difficult for older adults, and how to support them emotionally

There's no denying that giving up driving can be a tough step for older adults -- often far harder than we anticipate. It's one thing to talk about giving up driving in the abstract. It's quite another to suddenly find yourself unable to go where and when you like.

Driving allows people a measure of independence; conversely, for many people, giving up the keys is the watershed event that pushes them toward dependence and decline. Given all these factors, it's likely the person you're concerned about will need your support and involvement when it's time to park the car for good.

You can be a valuable source of emotional and practical support to a driver as he gets used to life without wheels, by listening carefully to his worries and joining him as he tries out alternative ways of getting around. There are a number of ways you can help somone come to terms with this major life change:

• Talk -- and listen. He may not complain or express his sadness and sense of loss directly; you may have to initiate the discussion. Let him express his feelings; try not to argue with him or play the role of Pollyanna ("Look on the bright side -- no more parking hassles!"). Instead, ask open-ended questions and encourage him to express his fears and apprehensions about what life will be like without a car.
• Don't offer solutions right away. During these first discussions, don't jump in with solutions. Just let him talk and air his grief and anger. Later on, you can begin brainstorming and offering practical advice. Many older people fear that giving up the car will increase their isolation, so your presence and concern will reassure him that he doesn't have to face this passage alone.
• Don't push him to sell his car if he wants to hold onto it. Keeping his car for now will help him get used to the change in his life and give him an important connection to his past. Honor his wishes if he wants you to drive his car when you take him on errands or to doctors' appointments.
• When he's ready, help him get started. Offer to accompany him the first few times he takes public transportation. If he's used to driving, he may be fearful of taking the bus or the streetcar. Your company will help him learn the system and feel safe and confident enough to try it on his own.
• Be available through the transition. As much as you can, support him as he adjusts to being unable to drive. Check in on him often, by phone or in person. Offer to drive him to appointments and other commitments when you can, or arrange for others to drive him. Encourage your older children to visit, too, and to drive him on errands if they're experienced drivers. Invite him on family outings and to children's school events. Your support will help him stay connected and reassure him that -- with or without a car -- him life can still be full and satisfying.