Because adult children tend to be in the dark about what their adult parents are going through, they often interpret their parents' wandering conversational style or stubborn behavior as a sign that they're failing or developing dementia. Because of such misunderstandings, it's common for adult children to become trapped in struggles over issues like housing and health care. These battles and miscommunications not only damage relationships but distract our aging parents from important legacy work they need to accomplish. Consider some typical examples of miscommunication between adult children and their parents:
Example 1: You're trying to talk to your widowed father about where he's going to live now that his health is failing. You're in a hurry to get the matter resolved, but your father keeps drifting off the subject to tell stories about how he found this house years ago when he and your mother were newlyweds.
What's really going on: Your father is consciously or unconsciously engaged in the life review process as part of understanding his legacy. As he contemplates leaving this house for good, he's looking back on all this house has meant to him since he first moved there with his young bride.
Example 2: Your mother has complained several times that her eyes are bothering her and that she's having trouble reading at night. Yet every time you suggest making an appointment with her eye doctor, she resists. When you go ahead and make an appointment, she cancels it at the last minute, insisting that her eyes are fine.
What's really going on: Over the last few years, your mother has had to give up playing tennis because of her arthritis, and two of her oldest friends, who she often used to travel with, have died. She may be resisting the eye exam in part because she doesn't want to know if her eyes are failing, as this could mean more restrictions on her lifestyle and loss of independence.
Example 3: Every time you visit your parents, all they seem to talk about is health problems — not even their own health problems, but those of friends, neighbors, even perfect strangers. Don't they have anything better to talk about?
What's really going on: When you consider that their failing bodies are robbing them of mobility, independence, and ultimately, life, it makes sense that many older people are fixated on health issues According to Mary Pipher, "Illness is the battle ground of old age. It's where we make our last stand. It's the World War, the Great Depression, the Hurricane Hugo. Like all post-traumatic stress victims, the old are interested in trauma stories. They talk to work through the trauma."
Yes, my son who lives with us, and his Dad are constantly argueing, as our son does nothing to help out and we feel used, he is on disability (our son). My spouse is quite sick and fragile, though very moody and irritable, constantly cutting down our son hoping he will go away. It is a very negative atmosphere on a daily basis, and I am in the middle, and trying to find a home to buy. One of the losses that bothers my spouse is that we sold our home last June and we are renting. He had to quit working at age 50 due to health issues from his work, has good pensions, and wants us to be alone again. We have lost touch with reality, friendships and family times. We haven't travelled since last December, and this winter has been gray and gloomy and wet. I get no breaks from these two, and this article has helped me understand what my spouse is going through, and that my son does not understand at all, they are both self-centred in their own way. and both are dealing with depression and my spouse has PTSD and anxiety as well as other illnesses. Thanks for the helpful article.
What an insightful article--two things stood out most for me. ONE, "elderly people have pressing life tasks they need to accomplish if they're to end their lives with resolution and meaning." I recall working on our association bylaws with my bedridden neighbor...one week before he died. He worked til the very end. TWO, the examples on page 4 that help us to better understand; especially, the first one. We do need to take time, be patient with our elder loved ones, and listen. SOMEDAY, we'll be wanting to tell the stories of our lives. Will we be heard?
I understand that getting old is not easy to deal with and I try to understand, but I am getting really tired of people in my family who seem to think that only seniors have losses, or bad health, etc. Even a trip to the store results in arguments when they don't have what she wants - it is somehow my fault that the universe does not not meet her every need. With all the seniors in my family, I am constantly jumping through hoops to please. Unrealistic to expect that a person who has always been controlling will suddenly become a sweet, easy going senior. When I bring up a young person who has been in a horrible car accident or the fact that young people have medical issues, all I get is 'well it's different when you're older.' Sorry, but I think it's a bit of a selfish cop out.
I found the comments about legacy interesting. My father-in-law seems hell-bent on making one up. i.e. if it had not been for him the company he worked for never would have sold a thing (all the execs were idiots), and regarding his WWII experience, while talking about an MRI he recently had, he burst out that he might have had schrapnel in his body ( he never left the continental U.S. during the war.)
Very intellectual oriented, but contained nothing for practical use. Might be relevant for research but not helpful for audience who are dealing with this and other issues.
Photos, books, and memories can all be lost so my family has started to document our own lives and also the stories of others in our family on a website called www.famento.com. Unfortunately, we learned the hard way that this is something so important for us to do. When my grandmother passed away about 10 years ago at the age of 85, we realized that we had lost all the stories she had about her own life and those of other relatives in our family. Now we're trying to piece together at least all the memories we have of her so that future generations can know the legacy she's left behind, and get to know her as a person through these stories. I encourage all of you to do this yourself, and get your family involved.
My mother is 91 and still lives on her own. This summer she still mowed her own lawn. I think she continues to do this because it is a control issue[ no one can do it correctly] We want to help, but she gets so angry and mean. She is alienating people. She still reads , controls her finances and much more. Any ideas on how to open a conversation to find out the source of her anger?
In todays age many seniors are too busy to be reflecting on events in the past. Todays demands are the same for people of all ages. Survival !
I am an 84 year old male that lost his wife, of 52 years, to a devastating illness, 8 years ago. I visit her at the cemetery at least once a week. It helps me control my loss. She was an angel. I don't like living alone, but have learned to accept it. Our three children check on me almost every day. They don't interfere or try to control my life. I love them dearly and will do anything and everything they ask me to do. I keep as busy as I possibly can programing computers, attending faternal organization meetings and helping other people with minor problems. Elderly people can take care of themselves, with a little bit of compassion and understanding, as long as they are not handicapped or bedriden.
Having recently lost my father, who was a brilliant man battling dementia, and having lost my mother six years ago, this article REALLY resonates with me; and I hope everyone fortunate enough to still have their parent(s) with them will take it to heart on all levels. Our ancestors are our roots and our living links to our cultures and what makes us "us". In my backgrounds, they are the most honored members of society. This must not be lost! Love and honor your ancestors, no matter where you come from. They gave you life.
I wish this artical was available when my mother was here and I was looking after her. Very little did I know what she was going through. I wish I could turn back the time. My patience was short with her and I was too busy to spend a lot of time. I miss her greatly. Thank you for this article. Now I understand better what she was going through, but I still did my best. I just wish I would have had more knowledge.
Good and helpful article. We need more information on the elderly. I not only need it for my mother but I live in a city that has a high population of elders and any information regarding their developmental stages would be useful. Also, useful would be articles about how adult children can be caretakers to their parent when their heart is not in it due to the abuse the adult child may have suffered from the parent in childhood.
Excellent article. It makes navigating the waters of my parents lives with greater understanding and therefore focusing on the positive. Thank you
Wow, I wish I had found this website sooner. The descriptions sound so familiar, I had to chuckle because the scenarios could be scripted from my conversations with my father. Thanks for providing great support to those of us dealing with our elderly relatives.
I too am beginning to realize the impact of oss of friends and family members.I can imagine how Mom feels being the only one in her family left. Her friends are all my age! I tyr to leave her friendship with them alone and not take over the relationahip even though i like them all! How lucky iIam to have her be 92 at my age of 65! I am the only person I know who still has her mother alive.