Worried about how to talk to someone about incontinence? These potentially awkward conversations proceed best when you're casual, candid, and calm.
What doesn't work
Avoid approaches like these:
1. "I'm sick and tired of cleaning up after you, so I bought you these diapers." (You'll only make the person embarrassed and defensive.)
Better: "I notice you had another night accident. I think it's time to have the doctor check out what's going on." (Acknowledge that it's likely a medical issue.)
2. "Why can't you control yourself?" (They can't. If they could, they wouldn't be incontinent.)
Better: "I know this bothers you. But don't worry; we'll figure out what's wrong and how to work with it." (Use an empathetic approach to make yourself an advocate, not an enemy.)
3. "Are you doing this to spite me?" (No, this isn't about mean-spiritedness.)
Better: "Are you embarrassed? Don't be. I've heard there are lots of different kinds of incontinence, and it's really common." (Keep it from becoming an emotional issue.)
4. "That's it, nothing liquid for you after noon." (People need adequate hydration; rather than arbitrarily withholding liquids, work with a physician to determine the cause of the problem and the right remedy.)
Better: "Not drinking anything isn't healthy for you, so that can't be the answer; let's find out what the doctor thinks." (Be supportive instead of controlling.)
5. "I can't take you anywhere." (You can, with preparation such as incontinence products, using the toilet right before an outing, and slowing beverage intake beforehand.)
Better: "I know it's stressful when you go out and worry about accidents; that's why these briefs are such a good idea. You don't want to stop enjoying life just because of this." (Show that there are solutions.)
6. "Looks like you'll be wearing these for the rest of your life." (Many problems with incontinence are reversible, but even if not, there's no point in emphasizing the negative.)
Better: "Let's see how it goes using these for now." (Don't set up negative -- or unrealistic -- expectations.)
Just being nice and kind to your elderly parent, no matter how miserable they be, is the best way to go. Love and tolerance goes a long way and turns into acceptance for the person with incontinence, usually...
Hello chrissiegreen, Thank you very much for your question. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, that must be very difficult to deal with. Here is an Ask & Answer page that you may find helpful: ( http://www.caring.com/questions/father-missing-toilet ). I hope that helps. Take care -- Emily | Community Manager
My father's problem is during the night he will urinate anywhere. In the corner, on the carpet, in the bath, (never in the bed). During the day he can't find his way to the toilet. So signs or lights don't help. Any solutions please?
Thank you for all your helpful and informative comments. This article is helpful and so are many of the comments I see here. I especially appreciated the comments gadjett made about what her mother would accept and product she found. I like the comments about calling them underwear. There are so many other helpful suggestions! Thank you all so much!
This is the most difficult to deal with thing I have had to handle. I certainly can identify with the person who tends to get mad and say the wrong thing and I must admit that I have had to face this head on. We can so easily damage the emotions of the person we love. It takes a lot of compassion and understanding to do the right thing with incontinence. If need be I think we should seek counseling to make sure we don't do the wrong thing here. I know I can go back afterward and apologise for saying the wrong thing, but you will never know the damage you've done.
It helped me with the subject I need to deal with.
I didn't realize that the doctor could do something about incontinence. I don't think we are completely at the point of incontinence, as my wife will go into the bathroom......not knowing what to do when she gets there. I try always to go with her as she does not wipe and that's our main problem. She has been wearing Depends for almost a year and that seems to really help the problem. I can't imagine anyone saying these negative things though. Not a sign of a good caregiver.
Hi feel, Thanks for your question. I know one trick many people use when trying to monitor from across a home is baby monitors. Another trick is placing bells on the bathroom and his bedroom door so you know when he's out of bed and in the bathroom. For more suggestions you can visit our wonderful community section where you can get advice and support from others in similar caregiving situations. You can find it here: (http://www.caring.com/community). I hope that helps -- Emily
my 91 year old father sleeps in his own bed and bath room although ti is hard for me at the other end of the house to check on him or hear him can you help?
This is one of the very few times I have EVER clicked on an ad on the right hand side of FaceBook. So glad I found this "Caring" site. Alzheimer's is a devastating disease, and some of the comments have already helped me care for my wife.
It's easy to get frustrated with this type of situation which happens a lot. Those suggestions will help keep me kind and graceful in dealing with my mum's problems.
Prayers AbbyB
Hi JudyT, That does sound like a difficult problem. You can submit your question our experts and the community by visiting our "Ask and Answer" section, located here : (http://www.caring.com/ask) We also have a wonderful community section where you can get advice and support from others in similar caregiving situations. You can find it here: (http://www.caring.com/community). I hope that helps -- Emily
Problem with pads or briefs is that he has a hernia and wears a truss. Can anyone suggest a product that can be worn with a truss and keep the truss from getting wet? Surely there are other folks with the same problem.
affirmed what I already do with my mom
specific ways given to reframe the topic; ways to stay away from negative statements.
This is a great way to discuss this sensitive topic. My uncle is facing incontinence due to prostrate problems and we are trying to help him decide on adult diapers vs condom catheters http://hubpages.com/hub/Adult-Diapers-and-Condom-Catheters-Facing-Urinary-Icontinence. Any opinions?
People can't help when they can't get to the bathroom. I know. I take care of an lady who is like that, I alo have a friend like that. It happens to us all at one time r another.
examples of how to talk about the topic in a caring way.
I had a stroke last christmas,2009,and in March had a vasculal scan done on my neck.The right artery was 80% blocked,and I was booked in for an operation,Since that op,I have had leakage from the bowel.This was already damaged after an emergency ileostomy in 1998,and was almost under control.Its a very depressing illness to suffer from.Even doctors have told me that,it was the shock of the stroke/and or operation.I`m 58 years old,and the thought of livivg my life like this is unappeally.Will it improve,I hate wearing these bulky pads,from the health service,I bought myself some pull up pads,but on their own are not enough.Any help out there,PLEASE?I dont even want to go out,now.night times are worst.i cant relax.,so am very tired next day .
Hugs beatbreastcancer
Prayers beatbreastcancer
I've found the best 'underwear' for my mom is the Member's Mark at Sam's Club - you get 56-60 depending on size in 3 packages for around $27. and they are great! We do call them underwear - they are basically pull-ups - my only problem is getting her to change them! If I say they are wet, she fights with me (verbally) - but if I say they are "heavy" she will change them readily! (should say she will let me change them for her). You can also get the kind that have tabs if you have to change them on a bedridden person.
this was pratical and helpful and non-judgmental. thank you
What I find annoying for full time users of the pants is that they come in packages of 16, 18, 20. I feel the companies could at least make the packages for a month. What good will 16 pants do a person that uses one everyday. Just a way to make more money I guess.
Oh, Not Myself, God bless you and your parents! Truly, I think the laughter is better than anything as long as all are participating. As for your house, as you said, "we'll clean it up" sounds like the best attitude to me; houses can always be cleaned, and people are more important than chairs. Vent away! The Lord knows we all need to at times, and it's better than exploding--what a mess THAT would make! Speaking of exploding, do you remember a scene from "M.A.S.H.', where the conversation has to do with generals and latrines? Radar says, "Don't generals use latrines?" and Hawkeye says, "No, they just save it up, and then they explode!" Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. Seriously, though, please keep coming back and letting yourself vent; we'll always listen. God bless and laugh!
So glad I logged on tonight! I am just starting to deal with this (with both parents it's a "two-fer"-- what a bargain!)and have been trying to find the right balance among the sensitivity, the joking, and the reality. I think maybe not dealing so well? It seems to go ok. Sensitivity says "Oh, this happens to just about everybody I know at some time or another. Humor says "Don't be embarassed--you just didn't hear mother nature call when the phone rang!" Reality? "Well, it would seem that you just shit all over the chair, why don't we just get you and the chair cleaned up, and call a do-over?" It seems to work fine in this nuthouse, but it's so difficult for the Ps at first. Now they can even laugh about it and make their own jokes, but I do worry that it's for my sake--that I'm making jokes about something they don't find very funny. It's becoming another mantra around here--everything is funny if it needs to be. Laugh or be thrown overboard! BUT . . . after reading this piece, I realized that it's the response you get, not how you say what you say, that measures the "degree of difficulty" of the problem. I talk too much (online, by myself, in the middle of the night, lol!), so I'll wrap with the following: My Dad, age 90, is in the supermarket with me--uncharted territory for him--and I realize that he's looking at "PRODUCTS!" I started goofing with him, and he boomed that "Your mother is built like a battleship--you'd better find a size that would fit me!" We were both rolling in the aisle at that point--my Mother is 5'3", and weighs in at a hefty 120. I found him his size, and the worst was over. Naah. He got very brave, and told me that really, what he really wanted, was sanitary napkins--the big ones. What an eye-roller. I drive them everywhere, and they drive me crazy! But I'm getting used to it, and feeling protective. They're trashing my house, and I almost shrug--time to call the carpet cleaners to come back. And then I realize that when they're gone, I can't call them back. It will be done. So if they make a mess, we'll clean it up. Otherwise, it's a flat spin to crazyland! Venting again--better here than elsewhere--it's a treasure of a website!
Hugs laurie32068, wanda0810, jkoll
We've found that avoiding caffeinated drinks really helps if it's a bladder spasming problem or a problem where the sphincter relaxes and opens arbitrarily. We keep the 'favorite chair' (recliner) covered by a waterproof, washable pad, like those they use in the hospital. I've purchased them at a pharmacy. More pharmacies are including an aisle with a variety of self-care products. I shop occasionally just to see what's new.
We've found that avoiding caffeinated drinks really helps if it's a bladder spasming problem or a problem where the sphincter relaxes and opens arbitrarily. We keep the 'favorite chair' (recliner) covered by a waterproof, washable pad, like those they use in the hospital. I've purchased them at a pharmacy. More pharmacies are including an aisle with a variety of self-care products. I shop occasionally just to see what's new.