How to Say Good-bye When Someone You Love Is Dying

My brother is receiving radiation for the 2nd time...4 yrs after his first round with nasopharyngeal cancer. It’s back, in his head and neck lymph... a dr placed a pacemaker because he was fainting...dxd him with Vaso-vagal syncope. No one even considered his HEAD!!!? Or his history!!! Two weeks later, he was re-dxd with this cancer...a stomach tube was inserted and he began treatment. I’ve read here that the pacemaker will make it difficult for him to pass...I hope that is not true. I’m afraid his physical body is shutting down, for he cannot hold ANYTHING in for nutrition or hydration... I’m on my way out there... I have no idea what I’m going to say...or do...but I’m going. Anybody have any suggestions?

Invite them to speak freely, ask them if there is any thing they feel they can share with each person specifically..aka words of wisdom. Thank them for all the wonderful things they taught and shared with each person individually. Maybe bring up a specific fond memory each person shared with the one dying. Allow them to remember, smile and let them know how they will always have those special memories. Let them know they will always be a part of their lives, in their hearts, and thoughts every day.

Life feels a lot more better when you sleep and wake up beside the person that you love. the whole essence of living is to love and be loved. my husband was having an affair with his mistress who they work together. he later moved in with her and i was devastated and i needed him to come back to me and the kids. i then seek for help online when i came across lovespellsolutiontemple.webs.com and i contacted the spell caster and he did a reuniting ex back spell for me and my husband came back home to me. he should also help you save that divorce or breakup.... his email (24hrslovespell@gmail.com)

Life feels a lot more better when you sleep and wake up beside the person that you love. the whole essence of living is to love and be loved. my husband was having an affair with his mistress who they work together. he later moved in with her and i was devastated and i needed him to come back to me and the kids. i then seek for help online when i came across lovespellsolutiontemple.webs.com and i contacted the spell caster and he did a reuniting ex back spell for me and my husband came back home to me. he should also help you save that divorce or breakup.... his email (24hrslovespell@gmail.com)

Ilene Esters comment Really hit me. It's the exact same sentiment I felt when Vitas came in and administered meds to my father in law. We told them any prescription pain reliever would knock him out. Yes he rec'd immediate relief but he went from a man that could explain the US entire history of radar & technicalities one day to never speaking another coherent sentence. No service what so ever but drug administration .

Also to add to what I wrote before, My Fathe with congestive heart failure has a defibulaor. I read it can make dying more difficult as it keeps shocking him as hes dying. yet I cant speak to my Mother about this and Im so worried about how it may make the end even more tramatic. help please!

My Father has congestive heart failure. Im scared. Im 57. I dont know what or how to say anything to him except to act as if hes fine. Hes still moving and talking not in a "dying" state yet, but every time I see him, I see how hes fading. I tell him I love him every time I see him. But It seems that it would be a reminder to him that hes fding away if I bring anything up. I dont want to hurt him. Or mke him feel like hes dying. I doont know what to say or do. Please help me to know how to handle this.

My brother Stevie is gone almost 3 years. I stayed with him in Hospice. We had Vitas and their service made every part of his death worse. I made a complaint about it to the officials. My heart hurts every time I think of him!

Myhusband passed away on a week ago. . I started feel so different when visited him 5 days before he died. But every one told me, that just effect from morfin/painkillers. But Thanks God, I followed my heart, he wanted to go. So a day before, the doctor told me what my feeling was right. I took a blanket and stayed a night with him at hospital, cuddle him, comfort him and pray all night till he closed his eyes. Its broken my heart but left a very beautiful memory, especially before he's unconsious, I asked him : please let me know if you ready to go, and he answered : see you later. He met our beautiful dog too at hospital. So please to every one who have a loved one dying, just follow your heart. Ask them what they want that time and maybe that their last wishes and let that happen. You will never regret it and hope that memories will healing the loss and pain.

Silly article no lie I don't care if it's a white lie. Lies are lies. Just use a different approach. Integrity should never be compromised even in death.

What a silly article. "Pay your respects", especially, to the people you love, every minute of every day. This way, you don't have to act or say anything different during the time they're alive. No need to glorify death in any way; there is absolutely no distinguishing life from death. I always smile when people use the phrase, "Pay my respects" at a funeral. Respect and consideration is useless to a dead people, imo. They would vastly appreciate your respect, more, when they're above ground, not under.

I don't want to let my mother go, I know I'm being greedy but my mother is my everything. 2 months ago Doc. Told us she only had a few hours to a couple of days 2 months have passed and thank god she's still here with us also she is a very strong woman. But I know shes tired so a few weeks ago she looked at me and told me herself she was tired but she wasn't giving up because of us (3 daughters & 13 grandchildren).... All I said was THANK YOU!!!!! also told her I understood her pain & suffering and if she was ready to let go I would accept it but deep inside me honesty I can't. My mother & I have been thru so much we have such a special bond

Sitting at my desk at work, i keep looking at my phone to see if anyone is calling me to tell me it is time. My dad was diagnosed with stomach cancer 3 months ago and we were recently told by his Dr that he is in last days and we need to make him as comfortable as we can. Where do i even begin preparing myself to let go. I keep asking myself how did we get here so fast? He is very quite lately and is not eating. When i look at him, my eyes just fill up with tears. He just sits there gazing at the ceiling and just nods... God prepare us for this... I was just never ready. There is just so much I want to say to him but i don't know how to.. tell him I love him and thank him for all that he had done for us. How do I go on after this? He has been my pillar even through my divorce he was there standing firm for my sake. now I have to say good bye.... My family says I've been very strong through this considering im the last born of 5 children, but i don't think that is true. i feel so weak. i cry almost everyday while driving to work or even at night. Memories just come crushing down and suddenly I realize that is all I'm going to be left with.

Imagine a world where we all treated one another with compassion, understanding, empathy, love and respect. Would there be anything to regret?

I traveled thousands of miles to see my Mum when she was dying, I was told there was no point by my sister as she was no longer conscious, I went into the hospital and told her that I loved her and it was OK for her to go, she smiled and tried to speak but was not able to - she had a look of relief and peace come over her and I was glad I did not listen to others but let my own heart take control.

Thank you so much for this beautiful piece of writing. Having lost my dad just 27 hours ago, I feel blessed to know that I did all the right things, especially that dad could hear me at the end. I love and miss you dad but I know you were ready and that in time I will have no regrets because everything was just how it should have been. Rest in peace daddy xxxxxx

Thank you for this site. My good good friend, Tony is now in hospice. She's been sick for four years. She's lived with my sister for four years. Tony is a bit of a hoarder, and my sister is a germaphobe...sooo clean. Susie is now going thru gobs of papers in so many bags that Tony has acumulated. Susie is an old school RN. She is only too aware of what is happening with her dear friend Tony. (Antoinette) Pleeease pray for Susie and for me, too as we draw near to Tony leaving us. Thank you so very much!

As a CNA pursing my RN license, this is VERY accurate. I have lost MANY residents who were more like family to me than people I was "paid" to care for, along with assisting their family members in their journey through the loss. We are not taught these things specifically in school, it has to come natural, with time and the love n compassion you feel in your heart and souls.

Thank you for this excellent site. My mom is 93 and of sound mind but has stopped eating mostly. There is so much I am not sure what to say or ask, as I think she is wanting me to know she doesn't want to keep going to the hospital to stretch out her life. I just finished the book, Being Mortal, which I recommend to anyone hoping to understand what our society has done to dying. Thank you.

Thank you so much for this. Of all of the sites I have been reading, this one has given me the knowledge of how to be with my father. He hasn't acknowledged his closeness to death and my family have been struggling with what to say, how to talk to and comfort him. He has been talking about coming home and playing golf, but he has also been asking about moving upstairs to a different ward and about having dreams of travel where he has been unable to get to his destination. I recognise now from this page that I can tell him he will be home soon, that he can travel freely wherever he chooses and that if just being with him is all he wants, we don't have to keep him entertained or distract him or talk about getting better so he can play golf. He can play as much golf as he wants without getting better.

This helps me so much, my mom is unresponsive and I'm realizing this is the end for her she doesn't have the strength anymore. I have had a hard time telling her to let go. This article let's me know how important my feelings are. I have been lost not sure what I'm supposed to do, so thank you for this it has given me my strength and purpose.

Thank you for your ensightful article. I found it most helpful. God bless you for sharing it.

Our mom was diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer. I am second olderst of five girls- not only mom's POA but the traditional family role of being stoic and logical. I am struggling 'behind' closed doors with my grief but feel I must maintain the appearance of strength.

My Mom & I found my oldest sister died & Now my only sister left ( I'm the youngest ) I have to travel t I'm 53y/o, my only sister left 56y/o is dying, My parents- taking it hard - she is with hospice now (pancreatic & liver cancer for ~1year Has been responding to Europe Radiation 3weeks had gallbladder removed, Dr removed some of Ca from live & pancreas successfully, but after ~ 1week while still in hospital , Dr reported he punctured her lungs fluid built up in her abdomen & never recovered from this complication from surgery! She is dying , hospice with her- all family with her except me, her younger sister ( I pray my travel will get me to her ASAP , My father called & said she's going fast, I'm going to regret for rest of My life(with MS) if I can't Talk to her, I need all the advice You can give me...Please ,

I am the oldest of 5 siblings and the caregiver. I am also the one closest to Mom's home. She is on Hospice now so I have told all the sibling to come and stay with her for as long as they can just to visit and help with the every day chores while she is not in pain and able to visit. So I am copying this whole article or sending it to the ones with no puter. Thank you This will be a big help for all of us to get though the lose of a super Mom.

This article answered my question on how I should behave or act when the moment comes i have always been weak in terms of facing death even death of my pets. I hope to be able to face it.

This article came at just the right time. My sister's best friend got a very bad cancer report. She was diagnosed in February. She might not be here by Christmas. I sent it to my sister after our conversation earlier about her not knowing how to act around her.

Crying in front of dying person, when you normally do not cry, tells them you love them like nothing else you can. If you feel like crying, DO IT! I did with my mother. The look of love from her told me she understood how much I loved her in a way words could never communicate.

I completely agree that thugs should not be held back until the last moments of a loved ones life . I lost my sister to breast cancer on my fathers birthday , July 31st 2015 . I spent many days and nights talking with her before she became unable to hold a phone and we talked about everything and everyone, cleared up past disagreements and actually made plans to be together when we both had left this world. It was something she wanted to discuss so we did and it made such a difference in how I handled loosing her compared to my other sister and brothers . When she became extremely ill and hospice had to become involved I handled it just as we had discussed it , like she was going to go on the trip ahead of me but I would catch up someday. My other siblings were either unemotional or began treating and talking to her as if she were a child . I feel this was a bit degrading since she is the oldest and had always treated us as children , treating her and talking to her in that way was never how she had been treated or talked to in the past . There is a sense of authority that comes with being an older sibling that needs to always remain until that last breath is taken . Not showing any emotion gave a sense that they didn't even care what was happening, both to me are the extreme at both ends . I was fortunate enough to have had all those conversations so I just continued them until it became a problem and I was told I wasn't accepting her death and not to mention things we are going to do when it came my turn to go . I actually told my sister what had been said to me and she gripped my hand harder and harder until I told her it must be time to say goodbye so she could go on ahead of us and not to worry since I had always been the black sheep in the family , I told her nothing has changed and it showed her it was ok that nothing has changed and she wasn't being told this big story that everyone had joined together and put the past behind us when in reality my sister new that was not possible. I told her goodbye for now and I am one who never says goodbye unless I mean goodbye , she eased up her grip and seamed to rest .she died the next morning at 4:00am on our fathers birthday . I really had a difficult time watching what was happening and from past discussions I new she new this , I was continuously hounded by mother and siblings to be there every minute when I felt it wasn't needed knowing how my sister felt and once I had tod her goodbye I just couldn't put a false thought in her head by showing up again after telling her goodbye. There are harsh feelings towards me over this but for my sister and her journey she needed to know the truth and sometimes things will change when we loose a loved one but very seldom is it continued. Things return to the way they had always been . Telling a loved one goodbye doesn't mean lie to them or paint a beautiful picture of things especially when the loved one knows they will not be part of this beautiful picture . It's a very hard thing to talk about but don't wait until it's a one sided conversation, it's to lat then . Talk as much as possible even if what you have to say isn't pleasant, you can hear the other side of the conversation.

I have a friend that I am going to visit that I worked with. She has been given anywhere from 1 to 6 years to live. She had to leave work due to her illness . I am going to bring her lunch and just have a short visit. We have not been best friends but I do care for her. When I found out her situation, we had been working together. What should I base our conversation on and what can I say to her so she knows that I genuinely care about her. How can I make our visit special and meaningful?

Very helpful information. Skatergirl - you can still tell your Mom you love her. She'll hear you!

Great article! Thank you.

I have a few regrets of my own from when my mom past away in January 2015 she was in a coma state so I didnt get to hear her voice just for that last time and I regret not being able to say a word to her all I could do was hold her hand and ball I tried to say I love you to her but it was almost impossible and this haunts me alot on nights when I cant sleep espeacialy since im only 13 so its hard but after reading this my regret has eased a oittle I dnt feel as bad about not being able to really say anything when we were there a day before she past to say my goodbyes. So thank you for writing this article and god bless everyone. <3 :)

this was very helpful... thank you.

Wonderful thoughts. Thanks for sharing.

I had this conversation when my Mother was at the end of her life. I told her it was Ok that she leave me and I knew she was tired and wanted to be with my Dad and brother. She pushed away at one point, but since my Mom wasn't speaking she told me in so many ways that she'd Loved me and she was happy.

The most important thing I tell everyone - it's more important to the person who is dying that you know how they feel about you! It doesn't matter if they have had the chance to tell you or not - even when a person is in a coma - say the things you know they would want to say to you. "I love you - and I know you love me too!" "I know how much you appreciated me taking care of you" I know some times we both got frustrated with each other --- but it really wasn't about you or me - we were both frustrated by the disease we couldn't control." Say the things for them that you know they would want to say to you!

Thank you I needed this at this moment love and light to you

I needed this.

Very informative and helpful.

Hospic was such a blessing when my father passed away last Thanksgiving. The are now helping me with my mother. I don't think I could handle it all by myself. Your article was wonderful and I was so grateful the nurses, doctors and even the home health aids told me these things before hand. Just holding my parents hands and sitting with them is in their last days on earth without regrets, without being overwhelmed. Deep breahes, step at a time and speak from your heart.

Numbers 3 and 9 are more important than all the others put together. A comforter can talk about memories. When a person dies alone, the person is not alone. It is my firm Biblical belief that waiting on the other side of death, they are greeted by family and friends and angels. And they can see and hear us but we on this side cannot see or heart them. Jesus said that they are then "as angels." (Mathew 22:30) It is not a time for debates. And silent touch is the most effective caring at that time. Rev Dr Charles G. Yopst, D.Min., R-DMT-ret. 15 years medical hospital chaplain, 7 years nationally registered Dance/Movement Therapist, of small groups of all populations and ages at a Mental Health clinic. Chicago area. My wife died in hospice peacefully a year ago (less 3 days) after seven years of alzheimers and aphasia, I was her primary caregiver. We were married 59 years.

GREAT JOB PAULA!! Nice writing and perfect examples of of such an important and too-often regrettable momement!!

To the anon care-giver who lost her mom 8/11: I don't think the grieving stops but it does change. Staying busy and doing for others, being thankful for so many blessing that come along (being open to seeing and feeling them)) will help with the grief. Your Mom would want you to live life fully and move forward. I understand the longing to have your Mom present is so acute that it's painful. This is normal. My Mom has been gone since 6/17/13 and I still think of things to share and want to pick up the phone and call! It's such loss. Fortunately, being a Christian family I know I will be with my Mom and Dad again. And, they still live in my heart and the hearts of my children. You, my dear, are not alone as so many of us feel as you do. Dying is a part of life and even though our loved-ones' passing leaves us lonely, remember to live today for yourself as your Mom would want that for you. Hope this helps....

Reconnected with 1st love after 36 yrs...4th stage pancreatic and liver cancer.....have had the chance to let this person know how Ive felt after all these years...this person never knew....this person has had opportunity to ask forgiveness...it was granted....I am profoundly heartbroken...bittersweet...so much we can talk about...reminisce...I still love this soul so very much....

I am just so sad and miss my momma soooooooooooooo much she passed on 8/11/14 and let me tell you she earned her wings but I just can't get back to a somewhat of a normal life.... Help

Thank you! My best friend for my whole life is dying of cancer. Only has a few months left if that. Out of everything I've read this I think is the most helpful. My friend jokes with me and I try to respond like I always did but felt maybe it was wrong. I hope to be strong, laugh as much as we can and I won't forget to tell him how much he means to me.

It was helpful. I have no suggestions. I'm still wondering what to write to this remarkable woman fighting cancer, who relocated to NY to do a treatment, then Baltimore... but I learned today there is no more hope and she can hardly breath and is at home, waiting to die and in the company of her loved ones. Her oldest child is a 4th grader, with my son and the couple also has twin kindergarten girls. My heart breaks, we had a card for her today not knowing the turn for the worst, so arriving home, I made sure my son had a nice card for his classmate's mom, pairing the letters of her name with positive adjectives applicable to a person... She is indeed remarkable... we were acquaintances, not friends but I liked her a lot.... she always made sure to include me in her conversations if I stopped at the playground after church to talk with her; the same if others came to talk with her, she would introduce us.... So often people dismiss you to engage in the conversation with the new person..... Not the youngish mom, neither am I; twins? uhm? I suspect help with pregnancy.... a professional in good standing.... Accomplishments at a professional and personal level.... I'm not that close, I wonder if I would learn when all happens. It hurts me to think her young kids be left without a mom and I feel for her how much she wished live and watch her kids grow, etc... Already, her husband has been mom and dad while she was pursuing treatment. This article makes me see it is ok to address the issue.... she fought a lot, she tried her very best, she extended her life, possibly by her good care... but it seems she will depart soon. Only a miracle, I've heard. Selfishly, also, I think of me in this situation or my spouse.... don't have her circle of friends, so supportive... I bet she is only collecting what she planted... her son does not miss an activity or a party, all friends pitch in.. I offered my help early on.. but she has so many close friends doing that already.... I would not have such supportive situation... I'm loved but..... and I rely so much in my 9 year old son.... whom I should leave him out if troubles... in the marriage... in life... etc.... God help me and do not send us death in the near future.... with a young and only child and so much to still do better.... I have not been able to take these thoughts away from my head.... just thinking on this remarkable person... who is nearing her death, leaving a grieving spouse and three young children. Breast cancer is taking the best of her.

Reading this has given me some comfort I nursed my dad for 3 years right till the end I never left his bedside 5 days leading to his death ,his death was horrible and traumatic but I no that my dad knew I loved him n he even managed to tell me right at the end.

Thank you everyone. This was a fantastic article. I just remembered how over 16 years ago my husband and I flew from Florida to Michigan to see his Mom. We were not told that she was in the living room and was to die. We had to leave to fly back. We had the time to say good bye to her. That family is very religious and when we said goodbye, she thanked me, she had a smile on her face. She told her only son to have a good life. Etc. Now I feel that all this was a blessing for me. Hugs to all.

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Ilene Esther - to my knowledge, there is no Hospice group that sponsors or owns this website. Hospice care varies by area, and by the individual nurse in charge of your hospice "team". I am so sorry that you felt with the Hospice company in your area.

I read it with compassion. I have had two husbands die within 35 years of each other both from the same thing = a brain tumour! I 'found' myself in a couple of the stories that were written. And yes, I did let them know it was okay to let go and that I would be alright......

The article says it all and although I felt cheated and had not officially said good by, I now realize in our private conversations in the days prior I had indeed done so. Losing her, and burying her on our 41st anniversary, the first two years after were trials and tribulations for me and I was lost. In these remaining last two years I have found someone with whom I now love and have begun to move on, in spite of some conflict with two of my daughters over this move.We have started to patch things up with one of the two two daughters and my son and third daughter have been supportive. Of particular support , has been her younger brother and his wife who have accepted and welcomed this new relationship as well as the matriarch of the family...When someone who you love becomes a memory, that memory is forever a treasure and is with you, in your mind, daily .

I had such a terrible first experience with not only my brother's death. The hospice company was awful. Actually, I think it is the firm that sponsors this group. Ah oh.

Thank you, this was very helpful. I have been with several people as they passed away. It is a most revered and cherised moment. I've learned, and still learning more about the dying process and all associated with it, the dying and those of us who must bear the heartache. I've found it to be an cherised event and honor to be with a dying person before and during their last breath and a special time to be of comfort and hope to familes. This has made me read, research and learn everything I can about this part of life's process so I can help others throug it. I have been in training as a Hospice caregiver.

Wonderful and brave.

I think that they like to die by themselves. I also left my brother just for a few min. And when I returned I knew he was gone. I jumped into the bed and begged him to wake up. But he didnt. I was the one to say he was gone. That stupid hospice. I hate them. The didn't care at all. It is 9 months and I am just doing a bit better. I never went through this with our parents. I loved him so much.

It is really important to say goodbye and to allow yourself time to grieve. When my mother died more than 20 years ago, I had immigrated to another country, my husband was only able to get a job in another city so was only home at the weekends, we had no one to look after small children, we had no money hire babysitters which would enable me to fly back and just that week I was the only one running the office. It was all too difficult so I just kept going. Within 1 month i experienced my first MS symptoms. The combination of trauma, grief, guilt and a genetic pre disposition.

I wish I had read something like this when my mother was in a nursing home. But, this article helped me to see, I did most of those suggestions during the 17 months Moma was there. She just passed August 9, 2014. I'm thankful for having read this. Thank you

Hi Lucinda - Since you were so close to your Mother, just make sure that she hears how much she meant to you. Even when someone and their dying loved one were not close, they can say things like "Thank you for being the best parent you could for me!" And say it with feeling, and those words are not a lie in any situation. All of us wake up hoping to make it a good day, I doubt very much that anyone wakes up saying "I'm just going to make a mess and make everyone miserable today". I have been known to be wrong, but I do believe that every parent does the best that they can and we can tell them so at any time in their lives. Hugs to you Lucinda.

Being there for them is more important than what we say.

Lucinda, what helped me towards the very end with my sister when she was in hospice and could no longer speak but could hear us, I held her hand and said "remember when" and I told her of times she had done good things for me and remembered happy memories. It can also be important to let your loved one know it is okay to go. "I love you, I always will, I will be sad but I will be okay, but you can go when you're ready". I wish you much strength and peace Lucinda

My Mother went to hospice today. We are extremely close, like sisters. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to my Dad before he past. Didn't even think he could hear me while in his comma until reading this page. But I really need some help letting go of her, words to say or not say. I can't even believe I'm here writing this. It's so hard. Thank You, this has helped me tremendously. A Loving Daughter

I have an aunt in Hospice who has stage 4 thyroid cancer that has eaten her whole body. I have a nephew who also has stage 4 thyroid cancer which has spread to his lungs. Thank God that he has not been placed in hospice

My mom was the first greatest loss / love in my life. She passed away 31 years ago, and this is something that I always like to share:.................................Being people of Faith, saying "good-bye" to her seemed too final and too painful. Instead, I (truthfully) said: "See you later." (in Heaven).....................And from that time on, I never say "good-bye" to anyone...but always: "See you later."...............This is particularly supportive when we are departing from visiting or seeing any of our loved ones, when there is no reason to believe they are going to pass away from natural causes or be in a fatal accident. One of the last things we will remember saying to them is: "See you later." (in Heaven)

My mother has been in and out of hospice twice in almost four months. She had internal bleeding which left her weak and not the same mentally. She has recently been diagnosed with congestive heart failure and severe anemia. My mother is in denial about death. I visit her daily and know she is becoming weaker. She looks pale and does not want to use the oxygen machine. Any suggestions? I feel so alone even though there are two other siblings around.

How true the statement of the love one dying when you have left the room. There were 15 relatives, a hospice nurse and hospice minister in my husbands room most of the day. We were getting ready to go get a bite to eat, 12 had left the room just moments before I was getting ready to leave. As my daughter-in-law and I walked out of the room, we heard a gasp and I decided not to leave. Several people came back in and within 5 minutes my loving husband passed away. I was fortunate to get to be there with him when the angels took him to heaven. Even though I know he is in a better place now, he is dearly missed, we were together 32 wonderful years. He passed away 4/26/14 and his 82nd birthday was 5/18/14, just a few days ago. R.I.P. Harvey, my love.

I HAVE A MOTHER THAT HAS BEEN IN ICU FOR THE LAST THREE MONTHS WITH KIDNEY FAILURE, LUNGS NEAR END, cDYALISIS AND LIFE SUPPORT. SHE DOES NOT KNOW US AT TIMES AND IS VERY VERY WEAK. IT HURTS THE FAMILY SEE HER LIKE THIS AND HAVE ALL AGREED ON TAKING HET OF LIFE SUPPORT SOON. I PERSONALLY HAVE BEEN BY HER SIDE AND HAVE TOLD HER SHE IS THE BEST MOTHER, TO PLEASE PARDON ME FOR ANYTHING I DID WRONG IN THE PAST, THAT WE WILL TAKE CARE OF DAD AND THAT IT WAS OK TO LEAVE PEACEFULLY AND UNITE WITH OUR LORD OUR GOG. WAS THIS ENOUGH I HAVE SAID OR WOULD YOU HAVE BETTER OR MORE BEAUTIFUL WORDS I CAN STILL SAY. PLEASE HELP ME FIND MORE CONFIRTING WORDS TO FINISH TELLING HER BEFORE SHE JOURNEYS OFF TO OUR LORD.

I started an organization when my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer, and it's called The Extra Mile. It's mission is to connect people who can't afford to visit their loved ones dying of cancer that need to say goodbye. We are looking for candidates to help, please visit our site at www.thextramile.org for more info or to help us with our mission.

What to do when your sister who is dying of lung cancer has kicked everyone to the curb and asked to be left alone due to misconceptions & misunderstandings. Is sending an anonymous" I Care Card " every day a good thing or inconsiderate considering her request.

I don't feel we should feel guilty forever about missing a love one passing, i.e. walking away for a moment. I believe the passing over can be more dreadful for one watching, let's be honest an abundance of concerns and feelings too many to mention. We must believe a loved one is at peace, remember God is Good, and they may be wanting to spare us more grief and sadness, making the decision when. There are many rooms with open doors. Always believe in faith and prayers.

No matter what ones religion is I personally feel that when saying goodbye to a dying loved one is to recite the sura ya seen in the holy Koran surah 36 or to recite the English translation to the dying person not only will it bring peace and tranquility but harmony within an individual.

Hi my name is yvonne, thankyou for all your letters , my husband had had cancer for ten years and it has Mastisized to his bones , after reading a few of the letters I feel I am losing my husband he has lost a lot of weight I see it gradually falling off him he use to weigh 120 kilo and now he is down to 107 kilo he is 6ft6in so he is looking like a stick, I am scared it is getting to the stage where I am going to have to say goodbye to the man I have loved and cared for for 34 years, I feel though that the love we have had for each other has slowly diminishing I feel it's his way of thinking maybe if I show her I don't care for her she will take my parting easier, and as some people say its like an elephant in the room we don't talk about it , neither do our grown up kids, a bit like out of sight out of mind, I feel as though I am the only one having this battle mentally, but I guess this is our families coping mechanism, we are all there for him, but he doesn't have the interest in life anymore just wants to sleep half the day away, i do get mad with him for the fact that he hasn't got much life to go so why bother which is hurting me, I feel like his life is being wasted and he has given up and I am nothing anymore I know its about his illness but I feel like yelling out what about me I am suffering as well anyway this is my story and always say I love you even if you feel your not loved.

Very helpful. I have been on both sides of this. I have been the person dying and also been with many relatives and friends, including an ex husband when they died. I debated whether to visit the hospital with the ex husband as it was a very difficult divorce. I am glad I went though because even though he was in terrible distress, I told him that I had forgiven him and it was ok to let go. I think sometimes we need to hear that. As far as when I was dying, I was going in and out of a coma. So I was not totally lucid. What I wanted to hear most was what was happening to me. I didn;t know a thing and no-one would tell me. I came out of it and after I got home I was told what had happened. When my Mother was in Hospice, both of my sisters were out of town, but on their way home. The one sister came directly to the Hospice facility, but the other sister was trying to get the courage to come. I knew our Mother was just waiting for her to make it. She finally did make it and my Mother seemed to be relieved. That was her oldest child. She left at 5PM and the next morning at 1:12AM our Mother died. I was with her. Not sure if this story touched on this or not as I find my eyes are very weary, but I think that often times people know they are going to die. I mean within hours of actually dying. My Dad had gotten the Swine Flu Shot in 1977. Both he and my Mother got very sick from it. My Dad had been to the doctor one week before and was feeling better. The doctor gave him a clean bill of health. It was the night before church. He always took his shower in the morning. Only this night he took it. He always made out his check for tithing, when he awakened. Only this night he filled out the check and placed it in the envelope. He took his favorite Black Lab out for a walk and watched the 11PM news. My Mother confirmed that. He always slept in a recliner chair as he was more comfortable than in a bed. The next morning at 7AM, my Mom found him dead. He still had the throw over his lap and the dog was by his side. No sign of struggle or pain. It was ruled a heart attack. I am firmly convinced he knew he was going to die that night. For me, I can't speak for anyone else, because I didn't know of my condition, it was important for me to know what had happened to me. I didn't even know what hospital I was in. I looked out the window and couldn't figure it out. I wish they would have told me more. Thank goodness I lived to find out. Thank you for an interesting article.

I agree that it IS terrible to watch a loved one die from cancer or disease. I have a neighbor that is currently dying from heart disease, my mother in law died from cancer but my father died from a car accident, so I do have a little experience with both occurances. It is never easy to lose someone you love but with illness, you are afforded the opportunity to get affairs in order, talk with them, care for them. In my fathers death, the suddeness of leaving a young mother with 3 young children totally unprepared, thankfully, nothing left to regret because of any harsh words before the accident, but the utter complete enormity of the sudden loss, to me, was much harder. Blessings to all of caretakers and those that have loved ones that have passed to the other side. I am a Christian, so I look at death as moving on to live with Christ, others, I feel , may grieve more as they don't have the comfort that being a Christian gives us. Death of loved ones or beloved pets is always tragic, but with faith and treating your loved ones with LOVE everyday makes life worth living. May God Bless and give everyone comfort and peace as time heals your loss.

An anonymous caregiver said... “My mother-in-law, who has had breast cancer, a heart attack and as in congestive heart failure, said to my wife, "your mother is about to die." Her bottom lip was slightly bluish. Within 10 minutes, the breath left her, her eyes rolled back and she died - this morning. Is this statement of impending death unusual?” I really believe that a person, like your mother-in-law, knows when they are going to die. Sometimes they can’t speak like she was able to. I also really believe that a person on their death bed can hear what you say and, with that, know who is in the room. My aunt was on her death bed. My Dad (her brother) and my Mom, and the 2 sisters visited with her for several hours in the hospital, a 2 ½ hour drive. They left the hospital; Before my Dad, etc. got back home, the phone message was the sister had passed away. I do believe my aunt was waiting to be able to see her brother and sisters. Someone earlier had mentioned the death of a pet cat.. Yes it’s not like losing a person. But it is really something that hurts. My dog I had for about 14 years, my sons grew up with this dog. When he was dying, I had a major problem with having him ‘put to sleep; he couldn’t ‘even to do his thing’. I sat for hours on the floor of the garage, holding him, petting him and talking to him. I told him we loved him and cherished him and wanted him to do what he needed to do. And that it was okay if he was ready to go. I went into my house for about 10 minutes, when I went back to the garage, he was gone.

Conservative lady said... “…it is a blessing to have the time to say goodbye, rather than have someone taken suddenly….” I was in a bereavement group for spouses after my husband passed away from a heart attack. I was angry that I never had a chance to say goodbye and I stated that outright. “At least you got a chance to say goodbye, and ‘finalize’ some things. There were 3 ladies in the group whose husbands died from cancer. These men were approx. 6 foot 2 tall and approx. 200 lbs; give or take an inch and a lb. The ladies asked if I’d rather have my husband ‘die quickly’ or watch him go from 6 foot 2 tall and approx. 200 lbs to (6 foot 2 tall) to weight of a skeleton. I had not thought of it that way. I just cried and apologized for my comments…

My mother died a few months ago and I came to be with her in her last days of life. Since I didn't know when she would die, I booked my flight home on a guess. When the time came for me to leave for the airport I felt very sad and frustrated because I didn't want to leave. I wanted to spend every last minute with her. For about 45 minutes before departing for the airport I was alone with her and even though she was not responsive, I told her how much I loved her, I rubbed her back and I thanked her for giving me life. I told her what a wonderful mother she had been to me and many other things I wished to tell her. Although there was no visible sign that she'd heard me, I know she did. I left for the airport and while waiting for my plane I got a phone call from my sister saying that our mother had died. I felt like it was my mother's gift to me -- she had made it so that I did spend the rest of her life with her. I think she chose her time to go and join my father on the far side banks of Jordan.

Thank you for your comments Conservative lady! So true - leave everyone with words of love and gratitude for there may be no tomorrow.

Death is going to happen to all of us, words of encouragement, understanding, peacefulness, thankfulness for their being a part of your life and what they have meant to you, the legacy they will leave, the love they have had and will continue to have, it is a blessing to have the time to say goodbye, rather than have someone taken suddenly. Try to leave all of your loved ones, with words of love, everytime you separate from each other. No guarantees of tomorrow.

My Dad is 87 and is in early later stages of Dementia, I know the day of his death is coming sooner rather than later. In some ways I feel I'm already loosing him to death as his mind slips away. I cried my way though this article but found it a good reference to hopefully help me when that dreaded time comes to say goodbye. I find myself just being there for him some days even if it's a day he seems to be more in his own world. I might be just sitting with him but I know just having me there does us both a world of good. So I'm trying to take my cues from him and live for the moment in time. I've been though the loss of my Mom, I was 12 at the time. I know I didn't get to say goodbye as I would have liked to. At 12 I don't think I wanted to face the fact even though Mom had slipped into a coma she wouldn't be there. I couldn't say goodbye. I think if I had, had read this type of article even at that young age it would have helped me, and at this age of 50 I wouldn't still feel like I didn't say goodbye to her the way I really would have wanted to. Thank you for writing this article. Dianne

Such an excellent article. Both of my parents are deceased now and I was blessed to be with both through their dying. I believe I comforted them both through following my heart, which included a lot of what this article states. I like "good bye" which means "God be with you." Thank you for publishing this article.

Thank you. Thank you also for not chopping this up into many 2-3 paragraph pages. I felt good abut the way I said goodby to my mother on a several-day visit near the end (we lived far apart). I brought her a new picture of my father she had never seen that she started at a lot. When she was very near death the Hospice nurse asked her what she was staring at. She had stopped talking several weeks earlier, including during my last visit, but she answered "Earl"--my father, who had been dead since 1942.

I have been through such a loss. My husband died of Pancreatic Cancer 14+ years ago. All this passage vocabulary, is nonsense. It all comes down to there comfort levels. Yes most if coherent know they are dying, have given there all while they were here on Earth, and We all are just a Gift from God anyways, where We all think in years he thinks in seconds as the same. We need to be more focused on what the dying have to share with us, not the other way around. Forget the last ship is sailing, forget the metaphors, or the other mumble jumble, get real, show your Love and leave them with your Love and that they were always LOVED and will be till it is your time to see them again in Heaven. Simple, Short but always full of Promise not despair.

When my Dad seemed like he was starting to 'shutdown' about 3 years ago, I told him that if he needed the rest and didn't wake up some morning, that all would be well and that I would make sure my siblings and Mom were OK. A few weeks later, he snapped out of it, told me that Mom needed him. a month after that, he 'graduated' from Hospice. Mom did need him. 3 months later, she was diagnosed with mesenteric cancer, given days to live. She lived 10 weeks in Hospice care. That was over 2 years ago. Now it seems like Dad is winding down again, and sometimes talks about other residents in the facility (Assisted Living) saying that he will never see them again. My closest brother was with me, so we told him we loved him, and that we would miss him if he were gone, but we would be OK. I feel no need to explicitly tell him it's OK to go again. He'll be fine, whatever happens, and so will my 3 siblings and I. We spend time with him a few times a week, and make sure that he is OK with 24 hour caregiving.

My dying mother flew me and my sisters in to see her. She hesitated because she felt we would all be standing around wairing for her to die and if she didn't we would of made thattrip for nothing. She did die..after I left..rreluctantly. And I feel cheated. Only because I wanted every second wirh her. But making up for time unspent together will not work eighther.And its so dificult to devide the time. Exspeacially to her husband. That was then. He made her very happy and they chose eachorher. My 45 years with her near was predetermend to end at some point. As much as I miss her like crazy..leaving us here will not be the end of the nearness. Although I wish I could of told her more and asked for her forgivness. In hindsight is anything finalized right.no because there must not be an end. Be together with as much love and time and respect as humanly possible. Ill see her soon.

is it okay to tell the care giver say good bye to their love one or to release them

This past January my father passed away. In about 60 days he rapidly declined from recurring strokes to complete renal failure. During this time frame, he began having heart problems as well. He told me over and over how much he loved me and how he wanted to tell me "everything". I stayed with him the entire time during days except two. I granted his every wish and did everything I could for him as we had this "secret" that we both shared...he was dying. The day after his 82nd birthday, the doctors insisted that I stop dialysis and send him to hospice. With the help of my sister, we made the final decision. Later that evening, as he drifted in and out of consciousness, we had our little talk. For years, he had depended on me driving him on vacations, and the last year, everywhere. I began with tears running down my face. "Daddy, I am not putting you through this anymore. Soon, you will be going on a journey, but this time you have to go alone. But, when you get there, you will see people you have missed for so long. Save a place for me and tell everyone hello. I love you and will stay with you until you decide to go" He looked at me and smiled. Exactly one week later, he died in hospice.

Hi AFflygal - I believe it is time to tell him what his life has meant to each of you. You need to tell him it is OK to let go of this life and go to heaven. Talk with him about God. Hold his hand. Kiss him. Thank him for being such a good grandson. Just love him with all your heart and soul. He will feel it. Remind him of funny stories about him when he was young. Just keep talking.

Hi AFflygal - I am so sorry that your Grandson is so ill. I couldn't imaging losing any of my step-granchildren. Keep in mind, his tumor may be affecting him and that is why he is telling everyone that he loves them. Take the opportunity to give him a hug and acknowledge his feelings. If he's saying something, he wants to get it out. It may be difficult for those that will be left behind to hear what he has to say, but he's the one that needs to say it and has little time left to do so. Big Hugs to you!

My 24 year old grandson has been given less than a month to live just recently. He has been in denial of the reality of his brain tumor for over 3 years. He still gets upset when someone talks about "past-tense" or anything that has to do with him not being here in person. However, the last week, and especially more since yesterday, he is telling us he loves us every 5 min or so. We have no doubt that he loves loves and I believe he knows that we love him too. He tells us so often that we don't know what is the right thing to do besides just telling him that we love him too. What do we do? How should we react? If this is so upsetting to us, I can't imagine what he is going through. We could really use some knowledgeable advice. Thank you

I just want to tell you all about something I did just before Moms passing that helps me every day since she's gone. Maybe this will comfort some others. As I held my Mothers hand I had my daughter snap a photo of just our hands and I treasure that photo each time I look at framed on my dresser. Each time I look at it I remember how I loved just holding her hand and how her small hand felt in mine. I hope this simple gesture helps some one as it has helped me.

I was with my Mother for hours before she passed, holding her hand, caressing her, talking to her softly and responding to her questions. She told me she was dying, she called my name several times, just wanting me to be there with her as she gave in to death and left us. I told her I understood that she was tired and it was ok if she wanted to sleep. I was lucky to have her favorite nurse and aid along the other side of her bed softly singing "Amazing Grace". She peacefully fell off to sleep for the last time and though I miss her with all my heart, I know she was tired and now she no longer suffers. She's in Gods hands now. I feel blessed to have been with her at the end.

Dear airhobo. Know that today you can discuss anything you want with your mother. She has made her decision, so don't be afraid that you will upset her or cause her to leave soon. Now is the time to hold her hand and tell her how very much she is loved and will be missed. Even if she slips in and out, she can still hear you so keep loving, stroking, and remembering the good times. I will send you and her a prayer.

jimlons2 -From what I understand, hearing is the last sense to fade, so whatever you say while the person is in the final stages, medical knowledge says they hear. I believe the soul can hear, so anything so say within a short time of death is heard. For airhobo - say anything from your heart - your Mother will hear. Hold her hand, touch her feet, just keep in contact with the physical person, and they will appreciate that. Do what is right for you and for your Mother. Reminisce with your siblings about the joyous times in your life, and the funny times - especially in your Mother's presence. She is in the process of letting go of her pain, not letting go of you or your siblings.

My mother will be passing today. I am the youngest of siblings in our family. She asked us kids to stay home from work today. She has given in with her fight with cancer. I already miss her and wish to say comforting words to her in order to ease her fears of death.

My wife died of dementia in feb. on our living room couch with me holding her hand and saying I love you mom. I just hope she heard me.

My mother-in-law, who has had breast cancer, a heart attack and as in congestive heart failure, said to my wife, "your mother is about to die." Her bottom lip was slightly bluish. Within 10 minutes, the breath left her, her eyes rolled back and she died - this morning. Is this statement of impending death unusual?

Who said, "I'd like to leave life as if it were a great party and now it is time to end."? (not exact but close to exact quote.

I lost my cat. and people think its silly to cry.

Thank you for helping with a difficult situation that we all face in our lives.

I keep feeling awkward about talking to my mother who has dementia and can no longer speak. I know time is running out and I have many things I want to tell her but did not know how to start. Now I know I can begin..........

My husband is dying of bone cancer. He has 6 mons. When should we yell our grandson? Is it too soon?

very informative,, thank you

Useful sharing. Thank you

good article about a touchy subject...helps both sides open a line of communication on a most important topic because death is very much a part of life.

I am 56 years old and when I was about 10 or 11 years old I was reading in the newspaper Dear Abby. There was a letter from a lady that had lost her mother and did not have the chance to tell her that she loved her. They had gotten into a fight and she just left slamming the door and did not see her mother again for whatever reason before she died. I took that letter to heart and from then on when I would talk to someone on the phone or would see them I always made a habit of the last words they heard from me were "I Love You". That was the last thing that I had said to my daddy before he slipped in to a coma that I know he understood me, and if he had gone before I got there I still would not have felt bad - it had been a week but that was the last thing I had said just before I shut the door to leave. I do it to this day and have raised my son to do the same. Others have even picked up on it and now do it. I like a lot of you have lost friends and family thru the years , more than I like to think of - but I feel that I am blessed to have known and know so many wonderful people. I have never had sad feelings about not being able to say something to them due to "I Love You" being the last statement they heard from me. I just thought I would share this and where some can't say it to the loved ones gone, they can still say it to the loved ones still hear. Oh, and I know it can be hard if you are upset with someone - my mother and I use to not get along at all - but I was determined that she would hear that just before I left. Thankfully she is still with me and I talked to her tonight - yea you guessed it - that was the last thing I said to her. It will feel funny at first but you will begin to feel good about it and so will the other person.

This all seems like good advice, but I would like to add that things unsaid can be said at any time, whether a person is dying, or ill, or healthy. Saying "I love you" sometimes requires a certain sacrifice of pride, but why wait? Asking another person to forgive you can be done at almost any quiet moment, preferably when no one else is around. Saying you forgive someone is a bit tricky, because maybe they don't know how mad you were in the first place. You can say, "I used to be angry with you" to get that conversation going.

It was too late for me the SECOND time a husband died. Yes, I have been widowed twice and both times regret that we never talked about what was happening or what would happen or never reassured these two wonderful men that I loved them dearly and appreciated all that they had been to me for the years of our marriage and that I would be OK after they died. It just makes me want to sob uncontrollably right this minute for botching the second one too.

Amen

My Mom has severe Alzheimer's and at the same time is still strong willed. Even though she looks frail, she eats good. This article makes me think that even though her mind is not where it once was, she may feel she needs to cling on to life. I had a care giver that told me when I visit to tell her it is okay if she wants to leave.

Surely wonderful...

my mother died two weeks ago. she was 90 years old. she was deaf and talking to her was difficult at times. so i just started to hold her hands and hug her a lot and stroke her face. she would squeeze my hand, letting me know that she appreciated me being there and how much she loved me and my family.

My mom has Alzheimer's and has recently entered yet another phase of the disease. I'm so afraid she may not know me the next time I see her, so ALL of the points made in this article were helpful.

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There are people I pray for who don't get healed. The Lord has shown me there are people who come for healing to humor their families, but don't mean it. God is a gentleman and allows them free will. I have to ask them to repeat after me: "I chose life. I renounce death." If there is a long silence after that, I try to give them hope. Failing that, I pray a prayer of blessing them on their way. They are grateful and their families suddenly realize that part of living is dying.

You have written some very helpful reminders that I needed to read right now...and is helpful for so many who dont know how to handle this --thank you.

I've lost many a friend and relative to various types of deaths. Natural, suicide, terminal. When you have a chance to actually tell the person goodbye, do so by mainly telling them you love them and will always remember them well in your heart. I had a co-worker genteleman who when he passed - he had lost his beloved wife the year prior and believe it or not told me in private one day at work while we were talking about her that he had arranged his death because he wanted to be with her, he was dying of cancer and didn't have but 6 months to live anyway. I had just had my daughter with my fiance', his granddaughter was just born about the same time which both were about 5 months old at the time and he decided to throw a "welcome-goodbye" type of gathering party at his home and he had his daughter and me bring over our babies and sit them on his lap and I have the sweetest picture of him holding them. I cry every time I look at it. If you are in distress as to how to say goodbye, simply tell the person "I love you." That is all you need to say. They will get the rest and know it may be too hard for you to draw it out in an explanation. They just need a peaceful exit. Just mainly follow your heart, if you know they like flowers, pick or buy them their favorite and take it to them so they can enjoy it before they go. Trust me on this, they'll love it and think it soooo sweet. My own father, I distinctly remember him saying after someone's in the family's funeral "When it's my time to go, bring me the damned flowers so I can enjoy 'em before I go, don't wait to stick 'em on my grave!" He committed Suicide. Mom and I weren't able to tell him goodbye. I lost a very dear friend to cancer and so the last time I saw her before she went to N.C. to care for her own mother, her daughter and I gathered at her apartment and shared some tea and her and her daughter had a beer, (I don't do beer, LOL) so you just have to go with your gut and feel the person out as to how well you know them. Don't put on airs, Just be there and tell them you love 'em. That's enough. God bless to all.

examples straight answers loving thank you

Saying goodby is not a single event. My husband and I have these conversations when the opportunity seems to present. This is especially wrenching for me when I am unable to hear him. Also, in Alzheimer's, the lack of cognitive ability leaves me unsure if there has been a meaningful connection. Never the less, this article had many really nice examples of effective good bying, helping me understand that the things I was doing were on the right track.

Mom has been on hospice for a while, but this week things have changed and she seems to have developed dementia symptoms and is delusional. She is on heavier meds do to the change that brought with it pain. From your article I now realize that she is actively dying and now I have a better idea how to help her through. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Yours is the first helpful article I've found on this.

my sister had leukemia, then a brain aneuryism. She had brain surgery, but she was a vegetable. She was on a ventilator . We were told that she was not going to make it. We let the doctor pull the ventilator . I said goodbye to her and told her that we were going to let her go to see mom and dad and that her husband and I were ok. I was shocked that her eyes flickered several times as if she was trying to open them. Tears fell from her eyes. I was heartbreaking. Once the tube was removed she gasped so much for air that I was hysterical. She was on 10mg of morphine and the doctor increased it .. She lasted three hours . I was a nightmare.

This is a superb article. Straightforward and acknowledging that there are a variety of approaches to "saying goodbye" to a loved one. Also, the writing itself is of such high quality.

Yes I would have liked to have a conversation with my dying mother but the so called wonderful hospice workers who were taking care of my mother at her home worked very hard to put her into a drug induced coma even though she was not in any pain. I would rather shoot myself then have these ghouls at my deathbed.

Fortunately I'm not to this stage yet, but this is a very helpful article for anytime I leave my Alzheimer's wife.

My mother fought/struggled during the last six months of her life; I encouraged her even though she was 93 years old. After a brave struggle, she looked at me and said, "Margy, I am so tired." My words to her were apparently what she needed to hear. I said, "It's ok to stop trying Mother." We'd had a very good, loving relationship for many years so there were no regrets to express--just giving her permission to die and to let her know that I was ready to give her up. She died only a few days later.

This is sweet . . . but really, I don't think I have time to search up 'Nice Things To Say To Someone When They're Dying' when someone is dying!!!!!!

I cared for a lady for many years in a nursing home and recently she died..she has no family who bother.i held her hand till her last breath...i told her i loved her and to let go and see her husband.before she took her final breath of life she sqeezed my hand sooo tight for about 10 seconds. then died.did i say the right things and was her sqeezing my hand a sign of her in comfort(becuse it was impossible for her to do that before as she was limb in the dying process????

very encouraging.

Given that this is part of an Alzheimer's site, there has been no discussion of making goodbyes to someone with severe cognitive impairment. But one of our members whose mother was dying, spoke to her as if she would understand. And she did and manifested this with a recognizable response. My husband is severely deficient now. I speak to him as if he understands what I'm saying. I tell him I love him. Sometimes he says it back to me.

Finding JUST the right words to say to a dying friend or relative is difficult. One never seems to know if they should speak directly, or metaphorically. This article, with its "follow-their-lead" advice is, in a sense, granting permission to admit that we know our loved one is going to soon be gone. I was blessed with a "sixth sense" about my father's death, and about three weeks before he passed away, I was able to tell him that I loved him, that I was sorry for any disappointments I had caused him, that I appreciated him and that I was going to miss him. When he died, I felt only thankfulness that he died quietly and without being hooked up to tubes and subjected to the embarrassment and humiliation so often seen in nursing homes and hospitals. This article simply reinforces the need for the truth in the situation, and gives good advice on choosing the right words for the situation. My mother in law is dying, and none of the other family members seem able to accept that fact, nor are they able to find the words to speak. I will try and get them to read this.

still thinking ofall the things i want to say,but after reading the article i know they need to be said,But i allso know if the time has passed that i can say them he will know how i felt,There was allways a connection and there allways will be

everything that was written

it is all so beautifully said. no rules or death etiquette in communicating with the ailing person but using whatever means keeps both of you comfortable is the ideal way of letting go of each other. one goes back to roller coaster living and the other into permanent sleep,

This article is welcome words. So glad I am able to read as preparation. Good comforting encouragement.

It reminded to continue talking to my Mom (who had vascular dementia brought on immediately by a stroke) even when she doesn't know who I am. There are days she does know me, but days she doesn't know me. She also talks about people, like my Dad (died in 1999) as if he were alive and will be home after work (she is in a nursing home), but I just go along with her. I do try to remember to tell her I love her eerytime I leave as she could die at any time.

Thank you - this is a very helpful timely article. I have commented on it before but happened to have several emails on this today, when I have just come home from visiting my mother in her nursing home. She didn't recognise me and then slept very soundly all the way through a "music therapy session" for the old people lead by a very positive jolly lady. It seemed to touch her as I could tell this as I held her hand. I don't know what other people think but I know that God can reach out and teach people with severe dementia just where they are, when we can't talk and reach them any more because they don't understand. There was a particularly moving extract of music sung by Russell Watson which certainly touched me to the heart and how much more can these reach those so ill and leaving us, although they have not died yet.

Your article certainly has some salient points however what makes you think that anybody can get inside the head of a person suffering from dementia dying or otherwise? Your article makes one think that miraculously this person all of sudden becomes cognizant at the end or near of their life and understands what is going onaround them. I am no expert but I don't think so.Hearing is the last sense to go so say those hospice care people really and they know this because of all the scientific testing which proves this theory, again I don't think so. This article is written by hospice care employee for family's of the dying or soon to be dying (which is all of us) for the sole purpose of making us the living feel good about dying.

How to say goodbye

Lovely article. Thank you.

Great article !

I volunteer at Hospice House and I always share your wisdom with the staff there; nurses, social workers, etc. and the families when appropriate. Your website provides me with a wealth of useful information. Thank you so much.

This is the most helpful, practical, and moving advice that I have ever read about how to handle the dying process of a loved one - or anyone. Thank you for a much-needed service.

Knowing tht my mom can still hear us ,When she's near death or unconcious..it's a relief.. Just to talk to her about everyday life n not waiting ,giving her ur heartfelt messages on how u feel..

As I shed a tear, I am grateful for your suggestions. Thank you.

One of the best articles I've read that gives the living clear directions about experiencing the death of a loved one.

Yes good to know about the regret -free ways.

ya it was but still have question

Everything was helpful and made me feel sad but better in knowing that I did the right thing when my husband passed away. I had him in our home with hospice care as well as our children being with him and I was with him except to try to sleep because the hospice nurse made me get the rest I needed. I was with him when he passed away and held his hand, kissed him, told him how much I loved him and helped the nurse get him ready to go on his journey. His death was peaceful and he was asleep, he gave one last breath and it was over. No more suffering. The Thursday before the Saturday that he passed, I told him I was going to the hairdresser and the grocery store. He said he wanted to go with me, I told him "okay" and I quietly left. When I came home, I was told that the phone rang and he wanted to get out of the bed and answer it because he said it was me calling. When he realized he could not really move, he said "I'm dying, "I'm dying", when I got home, he was asleep from the medication he was given to calm him and from that time forward, very little was said from him and his food intake was nil. That Saturday morning at 9:15a.m., my dear husband passed away. There is never an easy way to say a final "good-bye" to someone you love so much.

I've just read some othe other comments and would agree that the most important last gift you can give anyone is for them to accept the Lord Jesus Christ into their heart as their Lord and Saviour and to be with Him and the Heavenly Father for ever. Death is then swallowed up in victory. I am praying that my Mum will be sitting at the Lord's feet in Heaven, clothed and in her right mind but can only pray as it is up to her to accept eternal life or not.

This is very helpful as I don't know how much my mother can understand any more in her late stage alzheimer's with vascular dementia. She doesn't always recognise me or the rest of the family. I have found giving her a hug or a kiss and smiling seems to reassure her and her face often lights up. Sometimes I can't stay with her for too long at her nursing home as the sadness for losing her just overwhelms and I don't want her to see this as she would be upset too.

I am caring for a younger brother who has 2 tumors under his somach in front. They are starting to bother him more, even though he takes morphine it doesn't seem to help. Thank you for sending information. It is greatly appreciated. Belia

Everyone should be offered a booklet on what to say and do. Also one that explains the different things and reactions to what is happening and what is going to happen. It would have beenn very helpful when my husband was nearing the end.

Everyone of us will one day, leave this world for that Better Place Jesus Assured us Was Prepared for our eventual Arrival . Life Is Not as Predictable as The certainty Death is. When you can accept that dying is Only a continuim of Life ..And Not the End of OUR Soul and Spiritual self, We can begin that Journey with assurance that we will Be together with our Lord and Savior Someday. I do believe every person who is Dying ..Is Not looking to be told "You are going tro get well..you will be Coming home with us soon.... When you are Stronger..etc.. For THEY Know What is Coming..And What they want and need from Those whom they love is the assurance Of their unending love for them, with the Promise WE will Meet again In Heavens` Home God has made for us. AND Don`t try hiding your tears ..or your sadness at the Thought of Parting ..Let them Know how loved they are, and will Always Be. Parting has never been meant to be Anything but sad..when there is Love. Cry together and let no Conversation of concern go unanswered..or ignored. That Listening and Acknowledging..is the Last, most meaningful gift one can give ..to any one who is dying and cognizant enough to know it..

Just knowing that my being with my mother really took a burden off me.

To Glen RN: The best handout you can give is the little blue booklet called "Gone From My Sight". I volunteer at the V.A. hospice, and families tell me that it was the best thing we do for them.

It was helpful to know that they could be in two worlds at the same time and not necessarily because of medication. My twin recently died of Pancratic cancer and toward the end she said, come on sis hurry up, lets go! I did not get to be with her on her very last days as I had come down with the flu/high fever............when I did she was ten minutes already on her way to Heaven!

specific ideas as well as general comments

My mom and I were the only ones (besides Hospice) that was with my dad when he died. My sisters and brother "just couldn't deal with it". As though we could. It was hard. We stayed by dad's side his last 12 hours. We sang, prayed, cried, showed him pictures, told him jokes, and just spent time stroking his arms and head. He was not able to communicate BUT we knew he was listening. This article helped me realize saying good-bye was a healing and peaceful time for me and my mom. Too bad for the missed opportunity my sibs are now feeling.

Great article and very helpful, I am sending it on to several people who now in the process of watching their parents slowly pass...

Lesson #9 - the touch - I did for my mother who was unconscious, and the talk of forgiveness - I did the right thing! Thanks.

I'm a nurse in a small community on the coast with limited access to Behavioral Health professionals and needed some handout for my patient and her dying husband. Thank you

When my mother was dying in the hospital, about 35 family members were there. I have 2 sisters, their spouses, my five kids, spouses and grandchildren and my 5 nieces and nephews, spouses, etc. etc. A nurse came to my sisters and I and said you know, you think she can't hear you. She knows you are all gathered and she doesn't want to leave you. I recommend you each have a private moment with her. Tell her you love her and it is OK to go home to her God. Tell her what she meant to you. Each of us did that. She passed very peacefully within 30 mins. of us talking to her.

Just a note...I remained awake and near my father throughout the night of his impending death, as my siblings either slept or went home to sleep. My mother had gone home and I had promised her I would get her if told his death was very near. When I realised this was happening, I called for the nursing staff (he was in a nursing home), and when they reluctantly concurred, I left to get my Mom. I gave him a quick kiss and left. When I returned with my Mom, he was gone. I have been sorrowful ever since, and angry with myself for not remaining. I had no way of knowing he would go so quickly. Now after some of this research, I understand that he may have waited for me to go...to spare me the last moments and to allow me to get Mom and be there for her. It is a revelation, and has brought me a measure of tearful, but happy peace. best wishes to all. Death is perplexing on so many levels, but the most important thing (I think) is to love yourself and your loved ones through it.

This article was affirming for me. I have always had a good and very close relationship with my mother so maybe it is easier for me in some ways, but I still need affirmation. She can no longer speak or smile and rarely opens her eyes. Because of my work in rehabilitation of head trauma patients I know that hearing remains, as I have had patients "wake up" from comas and tell me some of the things I spoke to them about...amazing and wonderful to know that many of them not only hear, but comprehend and remember!! Of course with dementia it is different. I know she does not remember...so, I tell her every day, " I love you Mom", "I will miss you, but know we will see one another again in heaven!" and "Don't worry about anything...we will take care of each other just the way you've always taken care of us. You have taught us well!" I'm sending my good wishes to all who have read this as you are, no doubt, going through something similar. It's hard to say goodbye, but at times I feel like it's harder to see the lingering and the many losses. Although the finality of death will be difficult I know I will do some rejoicing too that her time of suffering has finally come to an end!

I'm on my way to the hospital to say goobye to my 34 year old friend after a six year battle with cancer. These have helped me immensely. I think I knew all this but to read it and get some reassurance has been a blessing! I will go up and spend the last few hours with Jen knowing that there isn't a right or wrong way to do this. It breaks my heart - tears on my keyboard as I type - but I'm prepared and know that she will soon meet her maker and be at peace. No more suffering. Fly free Jen XXX

As a family member is fighting cancer and has been told that hospice care is not far off, I found this article very helpful in how to talk to someone who is actively dying. I understand that we are all dying from the moment we are born but when you know there is a finite end and it is looming on the horizion it becomes difficult to know how to navigate. We are not taught to navigate these unchartered waters. Thanks for the insight.

great articles

My husband died Feb 28, 2010 of lung cancer. It was sudden. Went in hospital and died 6 days later. Had been sick for months but never dreamed he was dying. He was on ventilator most of the time so never was able to talk to him because of that and the sedation he was being given. I have a hard time finding peace from his death because we never talked of death and his dying. I have such guilt over this. I wish I could go back knowing what I know now. What brought this to my attention was my sister's husband is dying and heard they had talked of his dying and it brought all this back to me with all the guilt.

Hi Joy, Thank you so much for your concerns for member seekersusie. It's wonderful to see such compassion for others in the community; it's what's makes Caring.com a wonderful place to visit. Unfortunately, our experts mostly work in the Ask & Answer section, because they are all very busy with the questions that members are asking there. I've directed seekersusie to our Ask & Answer section, and Forums for help and support. Thank you again for your comments! -- Emily

Hi seekersusie, thank you for sharing your story with all of us. I'm so sorry to hear what a difficult situation you and your neighbors are in. If you'd like to post your question in our Ask & Answer section, you may be able to gain more insight from our experts and the community: (http://www.caring.com/ask). You can also share your thoughts and feelings, and get advice from other members in our forums (http://www.caring.com/forums). I hope that helps get you started. Thanks again for your comment -- Emily

No we don't want to interfer with the decision of competent elderly. However, I reside in a continuing care community.. Too often the burden is placed on the closest neighbor while the adult children "assume" we will just do anything that is needed while they continue to stay away. We don't need to take on burdens that are not ours and compromise our own health. Someone needs to find the support they need to stay in their own home.

The examples (possible phrases, actions, comfort) given, were of great help.

Just a thought about the very elderly couple being helped by their neighbor. Dementia occurs in many but not all seniors with the incidence increasing as age goes up. If this individuals are mentally competent, they should be allowed to make their own decisions. One of my great fears is that some well meaning neighbor will decide that someone needs to take care of me because I am deaf and old. Helping is wonderful. But helpers need to be mindful of the fine line between helping and controlling. I don't mean to say that the kind neighbor has crossed this line. I only mean to say that competent adults can and should make their own decisions.

To JM Brueggeman, I assume you mean MRSA, which means methacillin resistent staphylococcus aureus. This is a particularly difficult infection because the bug that causes it is resistant to many antibiotics. But it is sensitive to some, and laboratory testing will show which ones to use. She may be transferred to an acute care hospital for treatment. Some nursing homes have good infection control but some do not. In many places care facilities are required to keep a record of their infection rates.

I have a sister-in-law who is in a nursing home with MS and now just diagnosed with Mersa. Though we aren't sure how this will be treated, with her weakened immune system we feel it could be a rough few weeks. She's been very strong through this disease, stronger than my brother, so I want to be there for her and them as the time gets nearer.

I don't see a way to send seekersuzie a Hug or Prayer. Suzie, know that you are in my prayers AND here comes a big HUG! Hope you catch it. In caring, Joy

Could one of the experts answer the questions for seekersuzie? She is in real need of getting help to that elderly couple. My advise is that her daughter Stand Up, Stand Firm, and become the decision makers. It is so obvious that they are no longer capable to make good decisions. I would also recommend finding a professional Advocate. Try RNPatientAdvocates. I don't know if they are in your state or not. If not, you might find information on other Advocaste services. My prayers go out to you. In caring, Joy

giving me some insight on what they might be thinking at the time and whats important to say.

Wonderful article; thank you so much for writing and sharing your knowingness! I am a long time caregiver...involved with my friends who live right down the hallway; he is 100 yo and she is almost 95yo. They have been married to each other for over 40 years. It is the second marriage for each of them, they are very supportive and lovingly tender with each other except that she gives him a hard time almost constantly...They were friends of each others first mates, both of whom who passed on; those too were long time happy marriages. He has COPD, edema, prostrate cancer, and is the most gently loving man I think I have ever known. He litereally waits on her..She has anxiety attacks and strokes and a penchant for feeling victimized in life. I am a CNA and not currently working except for them, so there is much I do for them, most recently it has been wound care, massage, counseling, mostly with her..and her ongoing yeast infections surfacing once again. She has always been treated for them, for years with antibiotics which doesn't work, so I am encouraging also taking probiotics, and no sugar or salt, to rebalance their immune systems. That line of thinking is foreign to them, they're getting worn down with one infection after another. Yes, they are around 100 yo, but their minds are still sharp; they still ask why, and try to learn new stuff. Pretty amazing people really. . I love them and they me, and they too are poor, so cannot afford to pay me, except the occasional $10 ...but I am on call for them....they have caregivers 5 days a week with no medical training. He fell out of bed last night... he has been experiencing a slowly movin gpain, moving away from his heart, down his right leg. There is also a growing inability to move his right leg; it is so heavy with fluid. They are adament about not returning to the ER....but I called 911 early this am since he couldn't make it to the bathroom; his R leg could'nt support him ..he didn't hurt anything except pride, which he doesn't have much of anyway. So. I am advising them to hire a licensed NAR or CNA to stay overnight...to help with the difficutlies of getting to the bathroom (not far but fraught with dangers)..their family is urging a return to the Rehab they just left after a 2.5 month stay....or assistant living. They speak of their need to stay home. Yet, they need more help than I can give...I am fast burning out. They have 3 daughters...two of which have been in and out helping them the past several months most recently...they do what they can...but need help too. I need support....and am grateful for this website. I learn here, and get some kind of support just by being able to vent, yet always get so much more. Part of my frustration is she seems unable to let go of her emotions..and I see her heading towards another stroke. This last one only happened in December...she was unable to eat or talk for months. She has an agency working for her, but they so far have been unable to send out qualified people for home care; those who have medical training. I tried to be hired but with new protective, fear based laws, they can't hire me because I live down the hall from them. I am unsure how to advise them, since everything represents more frustration...other than what I have already advised. I am thinking I need to get some support here in my community....something beyond what I get here. Still, appreciate this forum, thank you all for listening.

Just knowing that your loved one that is dying can still hear you and knows that you will be ok.It is so hard to let them go,but at least the pain stops

This is so appreciated . This is a time of life when coaching is welcomed and necessary.Through what should be natural and flowing ,becomes unbelievably difficult. It is so hard to be appropriately caring sometimes ,when choosing loving ,comforting,and caring good bye dialogue. Flora M. Lott

I've lived thru the death of a spouse, and so much of this hit home. I did talk to him about his feelings of the impending death, and how I'd feel. I assured him I loved him, and that I and the Children would be OK. He waited till we stepped out of the room and took his last breathe. Only was sick 4 weeks... He's now with God.

To Eyasha. A BIG HUG to you because you deserve it. I am also sending you a beam of bright light and I am sure it will reach you in Oregon. For all you have been through, it feels like you are meeting the challenge. Good for YOU! You talked about a party when you are gone. Have that party right NOW!! Have your girls plan a celebration of memories and let all of your friends tell you how great you are. In caring, Joy

For some reason my comment didn't show up? Anyhow, I will try again to say what I had said before. I was a caregiver to my mom before she passed away in 2000, my dad had passed away in 1993. My mom and I talked all the time, when we could, we talked about anything and everything. Before my mom finally passed away, I was in her bedroom, talking to her like I did all the time I went in there, regardless of whether she could hear me or not, which I truly believe she could. But, I got to tell her that I loved her very much, that I had had a very happy childhood and knew I had loving parents, regardless of what I brat I was growing up, I knew my parents were always there for me! Before she passed, I told her that when she got to the other side, to give dad a big hug and kiss for me and tell him that I love him and that one day we would all be together again, this helped her to let go a little more easier, I think, regardless of how hard it was on me. But, now, even after 11+ years, there is not a day that doesn't go by that I don't think about both of them and talk to them everyday. I miss them both so very much, and some days are harder then others, but when those really hard days come, I have the memories of the stories we shared and the love I was able to give her before she finally rejoined my dad. It's hard to let go, but sometimes it's for the best, so the person that is going, can go much easier then if you hang on...

The article is very practical and it allows us to see that we already have been saying goodbye to our Alzheimer's affected loved ones. The more we know about these processes, the better we can avoid becoming impatient and acting in ways that we will later regret.

I believe that grief is a human condition. We lose a beloved parent or child, and there is always a bit of grief for them, no matter how long they have been gone. You grieve for your own life...how when you were young and vibrant and now, as with me, are in a wheelchair and lonely at 58. I was a Hospice volunteer/bearevment counselor in the Redmond, Sister, Bend, OR. I really learned about grieving, and how to let it go when I saw so many suffering. When I lose a friend (and like an elderly person, being sober 28 years, I have lost as many people in the prime of their lives to alcoholism), I put them on a star. I love taking pics, so I go around as long as I have to to find something that "Is" that person to me, in my beautiful surroundings. I pray and thank God constantly that they were even in my life to begin with. I grieve for what I may not see, due to MS...grandchildren, my two girls are 30 and 26...I MEAN ...C'MON NOW...being a classical pianist, and losing my ability, how pretty I was. But, with all that said....I embrace my life now, for i do now know how to grieve, and to accept it as part of my life. I grieve for the Japanese and the Lybians. I grieve that our world is so shattered. I celebrate last night's moon. Everything has a perspective and a sacred message to me, if I am paying attention. When I die, the kids promised to have a "party" (no booze) with all my favorite music going strong....from Baroque to Rock and Roll. Accept grief, and you will find joy. What gives light, must endure the burning.

I held my husband in my arms and told him how much I loved him forever. He was able to say he loved me too. Months before his death, he was so worried about leaving me. I wished I had told him not to worry about me, I would be fine. Even though he was in great pain from cancer, and I know he is no longer in pain, I just don't feel any peace with his passing. I think once I feel that peace, I can start to move forward.

Starfire - I truly do believe that they hear us. I know that was true with my husband. I talked to him quite a bit and I know he was listening. Sometimes I even saw him looking at his Angels in the room. Do I believe in that? Yes, because I could actualy feel an energy change. Even hafter he has passed I still talk to him, remembering the good times. We never will know for sure on this earth, but we can still believe.

My brother passed away 11/2/2010 from cancer i cry every day. I am heart broken. Did my brother hear me tell him i love him and i was so very proud of himas a brother. I think you helped a little ... but i am still so lost..

Thank you for sharing these. A family member is in a great deal of denial about my Dad nearing death. She has bullied me almost at times to the point where I feel like I am grieving "incorrectly." Your articles have helped me to feel more peace & realize that she is the bully & needs help, not me.

Been through it recently and every point you made is so true. Thank you.

My mom is nearing end stage aortic stenosis and I wanted some insight.

great article!

My Mom said a few days before she died that my Dad ( who had died several years earlier ) had come for her in a white car .. and she wanted to go with him, but he said she wasn't quite ready .. but he would be back. Also, one night she got up and shut off her oxygen , pulled the quilt off her bed, drug it down the hall and said her Mother was just there and went to the living room to wait for her and said her feet were cold. It was bone chilling ... she had emphezema and osteoporis really bad. I still miss her alot ! I was there holding her hand when she died -- but even knowing how sick she was... ( and on Hospice ) I wasn't ready that moment .. I even was happy she seemed to be breathing easier ... then when I noticed she stopped .. My heart stopped as well... still holding her hand... even though I was the parent the last 10 years ... I wasn't ready.

I just recently released my husband to God. Many of the items you mentioned, we used, plus many more. He could not speak, but his eyes told me I was on the right track with "our" discussions. He spoke to me with his eyes.

Yes, words left unsaid is the biggest regret. When my father was about two months away from dying, he was sitting on the sofa and I was kneeling beside him--he told me that he had been a burden to me, and delayed my life, I replied no, but was overcome with emotion and did not continue the conversation--it was a very close moment, and I never had such a direct talk with him--but I cut it short--he was hospitalized subsequently, for two months, and in the end was not able to speak due to yeast infection and thrush, and I never had the chance to speak with him again--since the doctors wanted to amputate him, we decided to let him go, and gave him morphine--when he died, my mother, my sister and I stayed up all night by his side, but he did not die, in the morning, my sister and I, stupidly, went to buy breakfast and drop off a car for servicing, and that was when he died--only my mother was present. I still kick myself over that, 12 years later. The day before my mother had her stroke, she said to me, "if you want me to live, I will live, if you want me to die, I will die". I told her of course I wanted her to live, but she did not believe me, and I pointed out to her that if I did not want her to live, why would I have ordered her a new bed, bought new slippers and underwear for her. She was not convinced, and I did not prolong the conversation. The next day she had a stroke, and although I took her to the Emergency Room right away, I failed to move her to another hospital were the Emergency Room doctor said had a cathether based technique to apply tPa to the blood clot--I still don't know how or why I didn't do so. She died 4 months later, and I never had the chance to really talk to her. The night before she died, she asked me to bring her home from the hospital, I said how could I do that when you are paralyzed and cannot even walk up the stairway--she said, "then carry me on your back". I did not respond--I wanted to bring her home, but had not found a way to take her up the stairs--but her suggestion was good. The next day, she died. So, we should not wait to have heart-to-heart talks--even though the emotions are overwhelming, when there is a close moment, we should say what is in our hearts, because the chance may not be there again.

If I ever go through this again, I'm better prepared. There are things I wished I'd done or said, but what's done is done, and I just need to move on.

my mother has alzheimers and we have just had hospice start coming out and she is not eating much and does not talk. She also has a lot of trouble walking and getting around so I think she is getting close to the end and was very glad to read this article and want to make these last times pleasant and easier for her because she has suffered enough with this disease. Thank you for your suggestions

On the day that we finally decided to take my mom off the respirator after almost a year of hospitalization, I didn't tell her that we were going to do that. I continually regret not having told her what "the plan" was. But I was with her for many many days / evenings before that holding her hand, washing her hair, talking to her, praying with her. I hope she forgives me.

The suggestions are very helpful. Now I know how to respond to my mother when the time comes. Thank You.

All of it and I think I'll try to get my brother to read it.

It's been almost four years since my dad died, but I remember the few last weeks of his life. Just the two of us were there one day, and mom was with the 3 other sisters. Dad and I always had great talks through out his life. When we were alone he told me that he didn't know how much more of the chemo he could take and asked what I thought. I was his primary power of attorney for health care. I told him it wasn't up to me, and that it was his decisions and that I would support whatever he wanted to do. Then I went on to tell him that he had already endured much more than I would before saying no more. I shared that there's no right or wrong answer, it's want you want to go through as part of end of life care. He also worried about becoming addicted to pain meds because you here all those stories. I told him I didn't think he needed to worry about that at this point, he shouldn't suffer from pain. We agreed that when mom and the other girls returned, he would be going to the hospital. There they told him they could perform another surgery and he might live ~ two weeks beyond the ~ two week period if he did nothing. When he had his first colon surgery, he was in the hospital for more than two weeks, and he didn't want to live the extra two weeks if it was just going to be full of pain. He decided he was finished with all of his cancer treatments. Some sisters thought he gave up and should have tried harder - How could they say that, it's his life. The day we spent alone together we talked about how much we loved each other (we always got out "I love yous" every night when we were kids). We went through some pictures, laughed, cried some, I told him I thought he was a wonderful dad and that I couldn't have asked for a better dad. Through out the next couple of weeks, we always had a lot of laughter (mixed with tears). We truly enjoyed each others company. I still miss him everyday, but I don't have ay regrets, a couple times I asked him if he could put a couple good words in with the man upstairs about me. Some of those conversations were just so heart felt and meaningful to me - I'll never forget them. I think suggestions I've read on this site are excellent - it's just that most of us aren't comfortable with talking about death when it will be happening to a loved one any day. Hope this makes sense and it' not just babbling. I loved my dad so much and I wish he would not have been sick and die, but I choose not to get stuck on that part. Blessings to all!

I am so thankful for this article. It validated the last moments I shared with my mother. I was second guessing everything that happened in that hospital room and now I know I did the right thing. Even though she kept going in and out of consciousness, I spoke to her about family and friends. I held her hands, did her nails and even pretended to be doing a shampoo and set on her so she could feel like it was a "normal" day. In our last moments together, I asked her who I was to make sure she knew and she answered correctly (something that had not been occuring often). I asked her again to make sure. I then held her hand and looked into her eyes and said "I love you". She said "I love you" back. I then said "thank you". She said it back. I kissed her forehead and that was our goodbye. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I'm so glad to have read this article. My mom is 82 with Alzheimer's and many physical problems. Because of the Alzheimer's, I feel like I need to start saying goodbye now, because her self is slowly slipping away, a long mental death that's preceding her physical death. I'll be sure and use what I've learned here to let her know everything I feel about her before her self is gone. Thank you so much!

Our mother died last spring at the age of 89. It was certainly a sad time, but also a time for my 6 siblings and me to celebrate her life with her and our father, her spouse of almost 70 years. I am so grateful for the suggestions posted on this site. They lead me to believe that Mom was emotionally well cared for in her last moments.