How to Know If It's Time to Make a Change in Your Parent's Housing Situation

Quick summary

The decision to move your aging parents out of the family home is a complex one -- both emotionally and practically. It requires a delicate balancing act between your parents' safety and their emotional stake in staying put. Each of these is important, and helping your parents make the right decision (while remembering that as long as they are of sound mind, it's ultimately their decision) requires care and planning.

Key questions to ask

Each family is different, and the decision to move is an intensely personal one. But asking yourself, and your parents, the following questions can help all of you navigate this difficult terrain.

• Have there been any accidents recently -- or close calls? Who responded, and how long did it take?
• Are activities of daily living getting harder? If the answer is yes, are you able to get in-home help for your parents with chores like shopping, cooking, or laundry?
• Are your parents becoming socially isolated? Lack of companionship can leave elderly people more vulnerable to heart problems and other health conditions. If your parents no longer see friends or visit with neighbors, moving to a place where they would be around other people could actually be a lifesaver.
• Is the house clean and well cared for, and are basic home-maintenance tasks getting taken care of? If not, are your parents open to getting more in-home help, can you or they afford it, and do you know how to find it?
• Can someone check in on your parents on a regular basis? If a family member, friend, or neighbor isn't nearby and available to do this, are your parents willing to consider a home-safety alarm system or daily calling service?
• What's the plan for a worst-case scenario? If there's a fire, earthquake, flood, or other disaster, is someone nearby prepared to assist your parents?
• Is your parent clean and well-groomed? If your father has always been known for his crisply ironed shirts but starts looking disheveled, that may be a clue it's time for another level of support.
• What's in the refrigerator? Is the freezer full of TV dinners and the vegetable drawer empty? Has the milk gone sour? A quick look can tell you whether your parents are eating well or whether they'll do better someplace where trained staff could make sure they're getting balanced meals.
• How are the pets doing? What about the plants? Your parents' ability to take care of other living things may offer clues to their ability to manage their own care.
• How did your parents weather their most recent illness (for example, a flu or bad cold)? Is your mom able and willing to seek medical care when needed, or did last winter's cold develop into untreated bronchitis?
• What does the doctor think? With your parents' permission, talk to their doctor. The doctor may share your concerns about your parents' safety at home but may also be able to alleviate them. Sometimes your closeness to the issue can exaggerate your worries, and a little professional distance (and expertise) is just what's needed to clarify the picture.
• How often do your parents get out -- especially in the winter? Are they spending days without leaving the house because they can no longer drive or are afraid to take the bus alone? While many elders fear being "locked away" in a retirement home, many such facilities offer regular outings that may actually keep your parents more mobile and active, not less.
• How are your parents doing compared with this time last year? The holidays can be a good time to reflect on the previous year and take note of any significant changes. A marked decline from one year to the next may mean it's time to start looking -- and planning -- for a more supportive environment.
• How are you doing? While this decision is not primarily about you, your own exhaustion can be a good gauge of a decline in your parents' ability to care for themselves. If your parents' need for care is cutting into your ability to spend time with your own family, interfering with your job, or just plain wearing you out, that may be a sign that it's time to start looking at other options.
• How old is your parent? Many continuing care facilities have age ceilings after which your parents can't get in, no matter how healthy they are, so if you have your eye on a particular place, find out what their age cutoff is and plan accordingly.
• Are your parents happy? Safety is crucial, of course, but so is your parents' emotional well-being. If they're riddled with anxieties or increasingly lonely, then that may tip the scales toward a move that may not be 100 percent necessary at this point for health and safety reasons. On the other hand, if your parents have a full life, close neighborhood and community connections, or simply enjoy being at home, it's worth exhausting every option before pushing them to move out of the home they love.
• How do others think your parent is faring? Sometimes it helps to get a second opinion, either from a family friend or relative or from a professional geriatric care manager who visits your parent's home and does an informal evaluation. While parents may initially resist the notion of a "total stranger" checking them out, this one may be worth insisting on (offer to pay for it as a holiday gift). You may be surprised to find your parent is willing to share doubts or vulnerabilities with a sympathetic, experienced stranger that he's loathe to admit to his own children, easing the family conversations that follow.
• What do your parents want? This may be the most important question of all -- and you may be surprised by the answer. While an initial response may be a knee-jerk "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it," many older people harbor the same fears for their current and future safety and security that their children do, even if pride keeps them from voicing them. Taking the time to sit down with your parents, draw out their concerns, and find out what they fear most about moving out and what they do want to change about their life ? rather than launching into your worries for them, or what you think they ought to do -- may give you and your parents all the information needed to make the right decision for the whole family.