When the protective curtain of denial slowly slips aside, intense feelings start to surface. This may be the hardest time, when things seem darkest. Self-blame is common. You may find yourself replaying conversations and decisions in your mind and asking yourself if you should have done things differently. If you've lost someone who's been suffering or in pain, you may experience a complex mix of relief coupled with guilt. It's common to hear a judging voice in your head, berating you for feeling relieved -- but actually relief is a perfectly normal reaction.
What you might be feeling:
- Extreme mood swings, feeling okay one moment and overwhelmed with sadness the next.
- Physical and/or emotional exhaustion. You might feel like you can't get out of bed in the morning, or even like you can't go on any longer.
- Guilt -- if you've lost someone who died relatively young, you may feel guilty that you yourself have your health. If you've been a primary caregiver, you may feel relieved that the intense period of caregiving is over and you can return to your "normal" life, yet you feel terribly guilty for having such thoughts.
What you might notice:
- Tears that come when you least expect them.
- Negative thoughts about yourself.
- Obsessive thought patterns, such as going over in your mind things you did and didn't do or say.
- Exhaustion and lethargy -- feeling overwhelmed and defeated, asking yourself "what's the point?"
What to do:
- Find ways to turn off the "tapes" replaying themselves in your mind. If there are moments or images that are particularly traumatic to remember (the decision to turn off life support, for example, or an image of your loved one in pain), talk through the memories with family members and friends who went through them with you.
Saying, "I keep thinking of how much pain she was in and wondering if there was more we could have done" allows you to get the dark feelings and fears out in the open so that you and those who were also present can talk through what happened.
You may be surprised to find that others remember things differently. Getting everyone's feelings out in the open allows you to reassure each other that you all did the best you could in a difficult situation.
- Ask for help. This is the time to find a support group, therapist, or close friend or family member who's been through something similar, who can help you work through these very difficult feelings.
- Force yourself to reach out. It's easy to hide away or isolate yourself when you feel that you're "not at your best," but this is just the time to reach out. Put a few close friends or family members on alert by saying, "I'm having a pretty tough time right now. Can I call you when I'm really feeling down?" Setting this up ahead of time gives you permission to pick up the phone.
- Let yourself off the hook. If you're experiencing guilt for surviving, or relief that their suffering or your caregiving role is over, remind yourself that those feelings are common and natural and nothing to feel bad about. The truth of the situation is that the person you were caring for is out of pain and some of the burdens that have overwhelmed you have been lifted, and it's natural to react with relief.
This is a wondergul insight into the grieving process. Very helpful ! thank you so much.
My Mom died on January 7th and I've been having a very hard time. This article was very helpful as some of the typical signs of grieving set forth in the article fit my own grieving, particularly as they relate to having been the primary caretaker. I just discovered this website and think that it'll be very helpful to my grieving process.
I lost my dear husband of 56 years just three weeks ago and I've yet to stop crying. Every time I hear some of the music we loved, I cry. If I watch an old movie that we saw together, I cry. If I look at his pictures, I cry. Everything around me seems to bring on the tears. I watched his brilliant mind slip away, day by day, for ten years. I was with him when he took his final breath. My family is very supportive but nothing can stop the tears or the feeling that half of me is gone. When does it all stop?
Great advice - grief hits everyone in a different way, so we're glad you discussed these various approaches. The most important thing is to tackle it head-on and deal with your feelings as they come.
Reading this article I felt like someone had read into my soul. So many of the points here are what I have been feeling. I see others return to their lives and I feel ashamed that I am still in so much pain. I lost my mother suddenly last October to a heart attach. She and Dad were married over 65 years. In every picture of them they are holding hands. So much love! Three weeks ago I held my Dad's hand and watched him take his final breath, giving up his 5 year battle with prostrate cancer. Most of the family was there with him when he passed. At that time I felt so blest that he would not be suffering anymore. We kept telling him to reach out and take Mom's hand, we were here with him. A single tear rolled down his check just before he took his last breath. I had been so strong for the last week helping the caregiver change him, roll him, and spoon feed him. Now I feel like a wreck. I do not want to go out in public, I have a hard time getting out of bed each day. I have no motivation to get on with my life. Today I saw my doctor and she told me to find counselling. I remembered reading the comforting comments here after Mom died. So here I am, spilling my gut and crying. I am so glad I read this artical and the stages of grief. Now to get on with my healing. God bless all of you here, He will comfort us and help us move forward. (Lotus) I understand...
I lost my Mom (my best friend) to cancer last week. She was only diagnosed 5 months ago. This a a pain that hurts my entire body and I can't stop crying..I don't know what to do, I feel so lost...I know I need to be strong for my 3 year old but this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life..I just wish my mom could talk to me...Nothing is the same anymore...
4 1/2 weeks or even months is a very short amount of time. I have loss both parents, a sister, a spouse and a grand daughter at 5. Somethings we never get over.. when I realized that I started to get better. Seems silly, but knowing somethings go to deep for words...so it is reasonable to know some pain will always be with you. BUT so will the joys. My belief system..bodies die-love never does.
We have realized that we are going through the stages of grief now as we watch my dear husband battle Parkinson's Disease. My son is dealing with anger, my daughter with denial, and I am at the acceptance stage. Knowing this is helpful to all of us.
June 2008 I found out my dad had Stage IV cancer. The man who took such good care of himself, eating right and exercising daily was gone 7 months later. I was not been able to mourn since his death and had wondered why. My friend pointed out that I went through most of the stages of grief before he died. The denial, the anger, the bargaining and then finally the acceptance. Knowing he is not in pain anymore is my solace.
Prayers carolinekoxox
9:45 AM CST..."Lotus"...I realize that a "blog" is hardly due compensation for your feelings of being alone, but as you see here, and many other postings elsewhere, there are many who do understand. And being "withdrawn" is a natural response to a loved one's death. Sometimes "just being" allows you to know yourself better and prepares you for the next step. It's like your mind being in a state of "self-repair", if I may risk sounding too corny ! Our culture allows few moments when one can "just be". Perhaps you are not as "withdrawn" as you might believe; you are reaching out, trying to make connections with others responding to a similar life situation. You must believe me when I tell you that I have known clinically withdrawn people under far worse circumstances than your own; they survived intact. Of course it's hard to relate to other's grief when you have enough of your own; just keep in mind the good times you shared with your mother. Those memories may help you move on and rejoin the human race, as I suspect your mother would want you do. Luck to you. J.B. 6/21/09
I lost my 37 yr old daughter 6 yrs ago,, and i still haven't gotten over it. I don't have to much time to grieve, as she left a 4 yr old a 9 yr old and a 19 yr old. The 4 yr old used to go around and ask other women to be her mother, she thinks of me as her mother. There are times i wonder what i coulkd have done to save her, but i know there was nothing. But it still hurts even today. When i go places we used to go and do things her and i did together, i think a lot about her and i cry......You never get over losing a child, after all it's meant for parents to go before their children, t least that's what i believe.But i'm 72 now and i want to live at least til the 10 yr old gets to 16, where she can take care od herself more, she is a daddys girl tho,her dad has tried to raise them without a mother, the oldest now 15 soon 16 is so much more mature, the youngest 10 yr old is still like a child sometimes, but an A and B student, so not too bad. i'm hoping that one day i won't cry when i talk about my daughter..
Hugs LosPazos
Hi, I lost my mom 8 months ago. In just 3 short weeks she died from cancer. Each day gets better and I didn't know just 3 months ago if that would happen, but it does. Much of the article is true, but remember your feeling will lie to you and you have lean on God and your closes people around you help you thur this. I look forward to the days that I can talk freely about mom and not cry, but I'm not there and it's OK, it's hard to lost someone that loved you as much as she loved me. She was God like unconditional love, that from what I see I must get from God and he will fill the void. I wish you peace in your journey.
hi. i lost my boyfriend a few months ago to cancer and i was his primary caregiver for the 2 years that we were together. in the first few weeks after his passing i thought there was no way that i would be able to move on. i feel that now i have come to a place where i never thought i would be - like im starting to enjoy life again. i think im experiencing all the stages at once. sometimes im happy and out of nowhere i'll start crying and feeling guilty for the things i didn't do or say (like right now at 4 in the morning!). but just know that time does ease the pain. i'm sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you
Hugs zidnia
I am so grateful that I have found this site. Although the chances of someone reading it will be slim, which I'm happy about that. I think I just need to talk,no one seems to understand. My mom recently passed, I'm 4 1/2 weeks in and I feel awful. I can not describe the feeling and no one seems to understand. I'm tired, and withdrawn. I've been her caregiver for the past 3 years, and before that I commuted for 5 years every weekend and every holiday. I don't want to go out to dinner, I don't want to get together with friends, I just want to just be. Why does no one understand. I'm trying to put my life back together............