Ways to help ensure a "good death" on an emotional level
By Barbara Kate Repa, Caring.com Senior Editor
Along with the practical matters of having one's affairs in order, it's equally important to prepare for death emotionally, to spend time with loving people toward the end of life, and to have spiritual sustenance.
Having few regrets
Often quoted in the literature on death and dying are the tenets in The Four Things That Matter Most, by Ira Byock, a medical doctor who professes the need for a dying person to express four thoughts at the end of life:
- I love you.
- Thank you.
- I forgive you.
- Forgive me.
This supports the idea that, for many people, a good death requires ending life without unfinished business, and after having reconciled damaged or broken relationships when possible.
Receiving mindful care and support
The right company can help aid a "good death." Although dying may be scary or sad or simply unfamiliar to those who are witnessing it, studies of terminally ill patients underscore one common desire: to be treated as live human beings until the moment they die.
Most also say they don't want to be alone during their final days and moments. This means that caregivers should find out what kind of medical care the dying person wants administered or withheld and be sure that the medical personnel on duty are fitting in skill and temperament.
Favorite activities or objects can be as important as final medical care. Caregivers should ascertain the tangible and intangible things that would be most pleasing and comforting to the patient in the final days: favorite music or readings, a vase of flowers, a back rub or foot massage, being surrounded by loved ones in quiet or conversation.
Spirituality can help many people find strength and meaning during their final moments. Think about the patient's preferred spiritual or religious teachings and underpinnings, since ensuring access to this can be especially soothing at the end of life.
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An anonymous caregiver
said...
23 days ago
Very helpful
Tajas1036
said...
25 days ago
IT is All True my Wife PassAway in 1999, With Cancer, She went into a coma the night before, She passaway the next morning at 07:30AM holding my hand as I was Talking to her an finished saying what i was Talking About
SHE Squezzed my an she was gone,
Thanks
George B Russell (75)
PS The info was great thank yo
Gbaby
said...
about 1 month ago
I already know some of these these thing about when it's coming to the end of time for death. I have been through it with my mother I took care of her until the last breath left her. It ready do hurt. But now I'm going through loosing a child and it seen as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest. my daugther tell me moma you are greiving yourself away. It's not that I want to greive because I know I have her and my son,son to live for also
An anonymous caregiver
said...
about 1 month ago
My dad in my opinion has a very peaceful death at home. He got up to go to the bathroom, has some issues. my mom went in to check on him. He was standing w/ his walker and wanted to go to the sink. she helped to the sink and left him. she went back in to see what was taking so long and found him slupped over his walker by the tub. she had no idea what was happening. she called the nieghbors and then 911. they worked on him for a while, then my mom showed the paramedics his DNR. They said are you sure, and she said yes. And that was it. No pain, no yelling out. just very quiet. We had no idea he was that close to death. it just "happened."We came to the conclusion that his body had enough and just gave out. he was 86.
An anonymous caregiver
said...
2 months ago
what if the treatments you reject could of saved your life?
tinkerer
said...
2 months ago
I don't believe there is such a thing as a "good" death. Life was created and as such it is to be celebrated, but death does not have anything in common with this, it is the "anti-life" force come to be. I don't think we should be at all surpised that witnessing death is sorrowful. Death was never meant to be, but crept in, it is a thief. For those of us who believe there was One who conquered the power of death, witnessing it is still sorrowful but we don't grieve the same way as those who have no hope of living once again in glory. It is entirely appropriate that we treat all life with respect and dignity, particularly those who are our family and friends as they near the passing from their current life to the next. I definitely send one prayer for all; that they will come to believe in the power of the Son of Man to deliver them from this life and the inevitable passage of death to the next life and glory. Trust Him now for this, do not hesitate, today is the day of salvation.
Willy~Nilly
said...
2 months ago
My father's death was a "good one." He was suffering from heart ailments, had had a stint placed in his artery. He didn't last long after that operation, but I think he was aware that his prognosis wasn't good, and ever the stalwart soldier, he didn't share it with the family so as to keep, I believe, us from worrying, or trying to get him into a hospital setting to prolong his life for who knows how long?
Early one morning, he told my mom he couldn't get comfortable and was going to sit out in the living room. He covered himself with a light blanket, rocked back in his recliner, and, looking out across the Blue Ridge Mountains of northwestern North Carolina, he went to sleep and just slept on over to "the other side." When my mother awoke and went to make the coffee, she said she was very quiet so as not to awaken him...he looked that peaceful and comfortable. The paramedics who responded about an hour later to her 911 call said they had NEVER seen such a quiet and peaceful passing. There was absolutely NOTHING...no tossing of the blanket, no staring eyes, no hint of jerking motions, no noise that my mother heard... to indicate that death had been anything other than a friend taking Dad's hand and walking him gently out of this life. THAT is what I would consider a "good death;" perhaps a "reward" from Someone for living a good and honorable life.
An anonymous caregiver
said...
3 months ago
My Dad was 92 1/2 years old when he died almost 6 1/2 years ago. My Mom died at 89 a little over 2 years ago. I am an only child and I miss them terribly. Now because of them I have changed what I want to happen for me. I wish now to be cremated. My husband and I now have an agreement between us. Whoever dies first will keep the other's ashes and when the second one dies our children have just been instructed to scatter our ashes in a place of our choosing. I am not mentioning where because it is a favorite vacation spot for many people. I just don't EVER want my children to feel that they HAVE to come visit us in a graveyard for Birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's or Father's Day, etc. I don't want them to feel guilty that they don't go to the graveyard often enough. I want to spare them that.
mom3boys
said...
3 months ago
My mother-in-law (mom) was in a car accident last March. She was paralyzed neck down and would have died at the scene if it wasn't for dumb emts. She was in incredible pain, couldn't move and couldn't even speak to us. Her heart kept stopping and after a month we had the ventilator turned off. I had the honor of sitting with her until the very end. The only thing good about her death was the morphine that knocked her out at the very end. I have seen "good deaths" and I hope that there are more of those than those like moms. A death like moms leaves a scar.
Pansyoshea
said...
3 months ago
My mother had a "good death". The last thing she said to me was, "I'm comfortable" and was somewhat irritated that kept asking her if she was in any pain. She wasn't. She had a great last day singing songs with my cousins and just went to sleep after she started bleeding internally. At 88, she was really ready to go.
An anonymous caregiver
said...
4 months ago
i have taken care of several friends that were dying. it was a privilege to help them. there aren't words to express how the experience affected me in a positive way. if you are really there because you love them and care, totally altruistic in giving; it changes you in positive ways. if i wasn't disabled and able to work; would probally seek work with hospice.
har-har-har
said...
4 months ago
I think a "good death" would be sitting in my car on a nice cool spring day
with a tank of compressed N2 set for a flow rate of about 10 liters/sec
with my window down about 1/2 inch.
An anonymous caregiver
said...
4 months ago
My dear wife passed away from cancer two years ago. She spent her final days at home and passed away at home under hospice care. The only bright side is I always worried if I was the first to go, I would not be there to take care of her. She would have been unable to care for herself and would have ended up in a rest home. I hate those places. I promised her to the end she would NEVER end up in a rest home as long as I was still alive and able to crawl and drag myself across the floor to take care of her. I meant every word of it.! This will definitely be a big load off my mind in my final hours.
Joanne P.B.
said...
5 months ago
Both my parents suffered enormously before they passed..the thought of it still haunts me. I personally have never witnessed an "easy death" but hope when the time comes God will be more merciful to me, my husband or anyone else I love and must witness them dying..leaving this world is not easy from my experiance :-(
medic24
said...
7 months ago
It was a strange time for me, when we relaized that mom was slowly dying. my mother, like most, was a saint in so many ways. She was warm, compassionate, and loving. I thank God for her 77 years on earth, because my brothers and I are the decent family men we are today, only because of her guidence. I wish i could say the same for my 'father'.
However, I remain perplexed at the conversation she had with her long passed relatives just hours before her own death, having been in a short term coma, and reviving just long enough for us to hear her conversations as she began the process of actively dying. Our family physician tells us it is the brain dying, but our hospice care nurse swears it is God's way of easing the person into crossing over. This will perplex me unti lthe very day I die.
An anonymous caregiver
said...
7 months ago
i am one of the .lucky ones. i went through the death experience 3 times in 1985 as a result of an accidental shooting. the experience was the most beautiful thing i have ever have experienced. i know that both of my parents went peacefully and probably enjoyed the same experience that i went through.we that are left behind have only the memories of their lives. losing my mother was the hardest for me to cope with, all of a sudden there is no one to ask for advice, now we are the ones who are being asked for advice. mother had only a couple of signs of an up and coming death, shortness of breath and could only breathe comfortably in the sitting position. she too started too feel cold mot cool in her hands and feet. she slipped away in complete comfort. just closed her eves and it was over. that was 25 years ago and i still at times feel her loss! we all have to deal with death. because it is really a part of life!skolarchek
marlenal
said...
7 months ago
I was never close to my mother. But with her declining health, she has been able to convince me that I have been a good daughter. And I have been able to tell her that she has been a good mother. This closure of "unfinished business" has enabled me to continue to care for her with more compassion. This week, her doctor said it is time to arrange for hospice care. My mother has always wanted to remain at home. I brought the subject of hospice care to the doctor several months ago. It was difficult, but her doctor now respects her decision on this without trying to persuade her go to the hospital. She has realize her condition cannot be cured. Fortunately, her affairs have been in order for quite awhile. What is important now is for us to have as many joyous moments together as possible.
An anonymous caregiver
said...
about 1 year ago
The need to be treated as a "live" human being until the moment of death. Having vase of flowers. Giving back &/or foot rubs. Insuring that person is never left alone.
SallyC
said...
about 1 year ago
My mother died at 94 last month, and though she had lost so much of her ability to communicate and think through earlier strokes and dementia, I believe she had a "good death" and I was blessed to be there for the week preceding it. Many of the articles I read on Caring.com as well as other sources helped me to understand and support her in the last week after she chose to stop taking her medications and eating. Thank you for helping us accept death as part of life, and understand it more fully.
An anonymous caregiver
said...
about 1 year ago
A good death. Birth and death are vastly different than birth and death. We suffer great pain being born, and most, have at least diminished pain when they die. But in both instances, it is just one step into the light. As a child emerges from the womb, we emerge to the light of our lives, sending us back home into the light of peace and no suffering anymore. I have MS and it's getting bad, and having worked with Hospice for so many years, and having to say goodbye everynight to strangers that saved my life in AA that said the right thing at the right time. They saved my life, for i have 28 years now. But, they couldn't save their own. Wish I could give each one of the seed that was planted in me to keep me sober. but, most die, and they are not pretty deaths. So, my goal is to die sober, with my children happy and not being a burden on their lives, and hopefully I take that journey of one step into the light soon. Good question. Brought up alot of me. Thanks
Rossow Resources
said...
about 1 year ago
My work as a Professional Organizer for the past 26+ years has allowed me the priviledge of assisting thousands of clients of ALL AGES to get their affairs in order.
Most recently, a widowed senior client (early 80's) stated it best. As we combed through all her possessions and papers (sorting-purging-donating-shredding-recycling-filing,etc), I asked her "What is our ultimate goal for this project?"
With a huge smile on her face, this totally healthy woman responded:
"I want to die a TIDY DEATH!"
One of my sage observations is that discussing and preparing for death has never caused any person to die even one single day earlier!!!
Warm Organized Socks,
Mary E. R.
yanotk
said...
over 1 year ago
I lived a very enjoyable 76years and then i had brain seizures. My life changed completely; all for the worst. I feel like I have aged 20 years in the last year. Arthritis, post nasal drip, diabetes with associated retinopathy and neuropathy, apathy, depression, no motivation and worst of all, I can't remember hardly anything. The teeth implants that I paid a huge amount of money for, 12 years ago, have massive difficulties and are only rectifiable by huge expenditures. My finances went to pot and my house depreciated 50% in 2 years. 5 years ago I considered myself wealthy and misspent unwisely. Never thought this could happen to me. I think human nature prevents us dealing realistically with old-age because we always survived so well when we were younger.
I've got my affairs in order, per the article. But I've been living in an "elegant, gracious, independent retirement home." Talk about a misnomer. Almost everyone needs assistance in living. And I'd estimate that about 35 out of 135 here are in some stage of dementia / alzheimer's.
I don't see any point in living without any "quality of life." If I could definitively know that I have alzheimer's I would like to be doped-up and put into a hospice an die a "good death."
This is not an easily resolved problem. According to the NYTimes in a recent Sunday article it happens sort of de facto, because of the benevolence of some doctors but one can't legally process it.
To recap, why be alive when you don't even know you're alive or if you're in acute discomfiture every day and the only future you have is to get older.
basil
said...
over 1 year ago
I have found great support and compassion with this group of folks. Although I only posted two items, what I read from others helped me greatly in caring for my father and trying to help my mother. I had a better understanding of my dad's condition and what to expect; for that I am grateful.
Yesterday my mother called me early in the morning and said my dad was unresponsive. By the time the ambulance arrived, he was gone. I am so very grateful that he was able to die at home with his wife of 65 years with him. It has been a long, sad journey and now it is over.
Again, I thank you all for the support and caring attitude that I enjoyed while visiting this site. You made my pain a little easier to bear. Thank you.
yanotk
said...
almost 2 years ago
I have mixed emotions on this subject. People equate the best care with keeping the loved one alive. I live in a retirement community for independent living. There are very fuzzy lines between people in independent living and the other extreme, hospice. I would argue that many people in my community are completely dysfunctional and only cause havoc and chaos for the rest of the residents. Yet their families appear to be oblivious to the situation. I can't fathom why they are doing this. The community accepts them because they represent money. Pure and simple.
I have tried to specify in my final documents that I want a "good" death. But it is extremely difficult to do.
It makes so much sense for me to say, "If I get dementia, let me go. Put me in a hospice, drug me heavily and save society a lot of money. I am not benefiting myself nor anyone else by being kept alive."
DignityMemorialNC
said...
almost 2 years ago
In addition to having your affairs in order, you should also consider pre-planning your funeral arrangements. What kind of service do you want? What kind of music do you want played? Where do you want to be buried? Answering these important questions and making a plan will alleviate your family from this stress down the road.
donoharm
said...
over 2 years ago
Papa died 363 days ago. Mom died 108 days ago. Months before going to their home to care for them I read everything available on caring for elderly Parents. A couple years before then I made sure their legals, health care, funeral wishes, etc. were set. E. Kubler Ross, for one, was excellent. I followed whatever advice written, wanting Mom to have "a good death." I was there watching every day as her grip on life lessened. We said our forgives, thank yous, love yous and goodbyes about two months before dementia took over without even knowing death was so close. I dressed Mom for her wake, with my daughter. I was a pallbearer, watched as they covered the vault at the cemetery. And I still can't accept Mom is gone, forever. I arranged everything ahead of time for a smooth transition. There is no such thing. It's too much. I will be going to the Hospice grief counseling program. I'm so very grateful to Hospice and their home care program. Thank you for allowing me to share.
An anonymous caregiver
said...
almost 3 years ago
Good article. Will forward to my daughter, who is my father's main caregiver. Her love for her grandfather has increased ten fold since he was diagnosed with kidney & bladder cancer. This morning she called to say her dear pet had died, and even in her sorrow, she has a peace that she did all she could to take care of her precious dog. I think this fact, of doing all we can while someone (or something) is alive, helps us deal with death of loved ones. Afterall, a large part of dealing with grief in losing loved ones, is the guilt we feel that we could have done more.
An anonymous caregiver
said...
almost 3 years ago
such a great gift was given to you and your father. take care,
An anonymous caregiver
said...
almost 3 years ago
Watching my Father pass from this earthly life to his next journey, I saw the results of a peace filled soul transition. He had questioned life and found the answers by educating himself. He practiced living love as an action verb. This love spread out to everyone and was returned in kind. This was not death but a renewing of spiritual energy to another realm of God's great design.
