Use this agenda as a guide for a family meeting on how to help an aging love one.
Name a facilitator.
Meetings always go more smoothly when someone is directing the communication traffic. Your parent may or may not be able to assume this role, depending on his condition. Either way he should be as involved as possible. Many families have a sense of who among them makes a good facilitator. It should be someone who's patient, relatively objective, and decisive enough to keep the meeting flowing. If all else fails, put names in a hat and draw. Take turns. Or consider asking an objective outsider to facilitate, such as a clergy or family counselor or geriatric care manager.
Write down everything that needs to be done.
You can just use paper or a white board if one is available. This list will depend on your parent's condition, but things to consider include daily care tasks like bathing, dressing, and washing dishes; errands, shopping, appointments, and activities; escorting your parent to social functions or entertainment such as films; attending medical appointments and consulting with doctors; and managing your parent's finances, including paying bills and banking.
Organize tasks by time and frequency.
Once you've developed a comprehensive list of all that needs doing, start organizing the tasks by how often or when they need doing, such as daily, weekly, or intermittently.
Identify family jobs.
Ask everyone to sign up for what they realistically can handle, including how often or for how long.
Identify care gaps.
See what's left -- the care gaps -- and discuss options for meeting these needs. This is when you consider enlisting friends, neighbors, and hired help like in-home caregivers or a geriatric care manager.
When it was time to close up my father's house, I got very emotional, while my brother and his wife couldn't pack up things fast enough. I had a fit, and then called and left a message, saying he was useless and his wife was a scavenger. Later, when I calmed down, I called to apologize, but have only spoken to them when their oldest had a baby, at the hospital. I was appointed my father's legal guardian, have power of attorney, health surrogate, and whatever else. My brother's wife thinks this is because my brother was in jail for fraud. No, these papers were signed many years ago. My brother says it is because he always trusted me, but doesn't anymore, because I used an assisted living/nursing home closer to me than them. It got ugly, but I try to do the best for my father, and I will continue in this vein. It is sad, when dealing with the many falls, hospitalizations, and other problems arising from my father's condition, that the family has had this rift, and I take blame for it, but after all these years, I have been the big sister and faced all decisions, so I can deal with this. It is dealing with my father that is difficult. I was there the other day, talking about my younger daughter, who he adored, and when I mentioned her name, he shrugged, and it was apparent he didn't know who I was talking about. I guess he is getting worse, if that is the right way to put it. Thank heavens my husband is behind me, to keep me from getting depressed and wanting to kill my brother. A family meeting is out of the question.
You must be joking. I have had the experience that this does not work. I have two siblings. One who has their head in the sand, and the other feels entitled to everything. I have tried and tried to help, offer suggestions and nothing, and I mean nothing has helped. To the point of police involvement. It's way to complicated to explain, At a time when family members should come toegther, mom's dementia has certainly shown the true colors of the family. Blessings to all families that can make these suggestions work.
These are good points, and interestingly, I haven't seen this perspective (assisting an aging family member) in posts elsewhere online. Similarly I haven't been able to track down what a possible family meeting between husband and wife looks like yet so I decided to take things into my own hands (http://adventure.codyjbennett.com/2010/09/family-meetings/). I find that there are some common principles between each variety, but it always seems to be a work in progress. Thanks for the write up. I'll keep looking for others. -Cody