Cancer patients hear endless variations on this "mind over body" theme. There are going to be days when she doesn't feel positive at all, and you certainly don't want her worrying that she's sabotaging her own chances of recovery. And what if she has a stressful job, or is a type A personality who reacts easily to stress -- do you want her feeling guilty or worrying that her high-strung personality or tendency toward anxiety either "caused" or will worsen her cancer?

Unfortunately, an awful lot of the literature conveys, in one way or another, the underlying message to breast cancer patients that they may have "caused" cancer through stress, worry, or a negative attitude, and that they could heal the cancer if they'd only develop a mellow outlook or sunny disposition. All that really happens is that they feel even more anxious about trying not to be anxious, or they feel guilty for not feeling happy. Even some visualization techniques can make cancer patients feel a sense of defeat, Knajdl says, if the focus is on healing but healing doesn't seem to be happening.

What to say instead: Suggest specific solutions. When she's tense or anxious, ask her to identify what's stressing her out and how you can help her put the worries to rest. In other words, instead of saying "relax," help her relax by eradicating the stress trigger. For example, try refocusing any visualization she's doing toward a concrete and reasonably accessible goal, such as comfort or sleep. Instead of trying to visualize eradicating a tumor, suggest that she visualize falling into a deep sleep in a quiet, safe, pleasant place. Sometimes you can help eradicate stress with a concrete act of assistance--by offering to help solve a specific problem that's making her feel anxious, for example.