Symptoms of Depression for Caregivers

I guess I need to find some one to talk to sins I am crying way to much ?

This article is right on point. I have a close friend whos mother has alzheimers. he is trying to do it all with no help from his spouse. I told him he needs help and time for himself. I help him weekly and am helping to guide him though the maze and stages of alzheimers. i am forwarding this article to him. It will be good coming from a professional source. God bless this site. I will continue to support and direct people to this site. It is a GOD send. Thanks

I am looking forward to never having to talk to my sisters again! I have all of the feelings I have read from this site and I want to thank everyone for being so candid and not afraid of telling how they really feel. This is the real truth. It is a shame that only we are reading these comments. I can never get my words out to my sisters, they don't believe it or want to hear it. One even covered her ears so not to face the facts. Hugs and prayers to all of you.

I'm a "FWS" (former well spouse care giver). My wife passed away 10 months ago. I've benefited from counseling and attending a Men's (only) Bereavement Group. However, I still needed a "light" dose of Celexa 10 mg anti-depressant. I know now I was depressed for maybe 2 yrs. before my wife died. I coped well in care giving, but lacked full love of self and wife, for reasons you all realize. Maggie died and I became very confused and felt life was more pain than joy, so I requested the anti-depressant. If you are honest with self and score 5+ on the profile of depression, now while care giving, then you might as well try an antii-depressant. I read about how the brain is actually functioning poorly, so this state is NOT an "attitude" issue. If depressed, then you will seriously become depressed for months after your loved one dies. My life has improved considerably, but I miss my lovely wife as she was when WELL! I do not miss two years of constant attending; especially with a poor attitude from my wife, but it is difficult to die slowly. I might find that out for real. Advice #2: Make every effort to be your best self while care giving, you will feel less conflicted, later as at least, you did your best, which is all anybody can do. You may not be able to change a poor attitude by the person being cared for, but you can take responsibility for yourself. Advice #3: Yes, you will have to accept that many persons who loved your dead loved one, will sing their praises as if she/he was an "angel" of "saint". That will cease in time. Try to comfort those who care and accept the compliments for those positive traits (even if you lived with the negative traits, they did not).

Hello dirty deeds, Thank you very much for your comment. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation and the stress you are feeling. Here is an Ask & Answer page that you may find helpful in leaning how to cope with caregiver stress and burnout: ( http://www.caring.com/questions/stress-and-anger-from-caregiving ). I hope that helps. Take care -- Emily | Community Manager

I feel like I have no reason to complalin comparted to you guys. But can I please. I live with my 85 yr old mother. like you'all I have no help or compassion. I have a brother and sister that llive 1 1/2 hour away, My brother was off work for almost 2 yrs and he only came home for holidays. My sister comes home about 1 a mth to be taken care of sleeps and eats I do all the work but that is not enought, I cannot jump high enought,run fast enought .Once when we asked to stay at her house, when we walked in she called me a mf and said that her therpist said that she couldn't believe that we wanted to stay at her house(the hotels she had us stay at were crack houses and the other was a drunk dive) But yet my mother protects her because she has problems. My mother and her take up for each other and I am the bad guy because I do the dirty work, and they want to be the bosses. I call it dirty work done dirt cheap. the way I see it if they want it done their way, they should do it. It's easy to come in the end of a job, when your tired and critizise but that what they do best. I have gotten to the point where I won't do anything because it will not be up to par, it's easier to just sit and watch t.v. which is driving me crazy because I am an active person,but you get yelled at if you do something ,so if you do nothing, you get yelled at and critised less.can someone please tell me how to cope?

I've ben caring for 10 yrs. now. First-my grandson,next- father-in-law,then- mother-in-law, and now for the past 3 yrs.- mom. She's got alz.(mid stage). I have 6 siblings, but they all work. My son has schizophrenia. And I suffer with fibromialgia. I can't tell you how extreme the pain has been this winter. If it weren't for them, I would be in bed myself. I wake up and go on automatic. I know I'm depressed,but I wonder how much is physical. Anyhow, keep on fighting the good fight. I keep a journal of good days and funny things, and on the worst days it helps me to get through my pain and find something to be positive about. Not all days can be all bad! Right?

Well, my wife of 28 yrs. & 8 yrs. of companionship living together ended with her death: 12-12-10. I wish I had not become so numb the last 6 months as we all knew the end was near. Maggie always had a hard time approaching Christmas. She died in a "State of Grace", as she believed in joining other Spirits under God's Blessing. She is no longer suffering. I am having a hard time adjusting to Life without her & the constant care which filled my hours. Caregivers! Know that you will feel all sorts of emotions as the "anticipatory" grieving begins with the near death. Do not succumb to being "numb" of emotions, but try to show patient LOVE, as you will feel better about yourself later. Best to you all, Jim

My mother has been taking 24/7 care of my stepfather since his C2 fracture (no paralysis) since May 2009. He ended up with a permanent trach and has consistently been in and out of hospitals for UTI's, dehydration, generalized weakness, trach/breathing problems, panic attacks, itching, hallucinations, etc. My mother has NO life outside of caring for him. I have an able-bodied brother who lives less than an hour away from her but refuses to help her unless I guilt him into doing something. I live 8 hours away and feel completely helpless. I've contacted EVERY elder care agency non-profit and for-profit...with no results. There is NO one to help. My mom is getting more depressed everyday and I worry constantly about her health. If you don't have money to spare to pay for a caregiver then forget it. The church group visited once or twice in the beginning...but now, everyone has gone back to their lives and forgotten about them. My stepdad is completely depressed himself...no visitors or calls - and he has THREE KIDS. They are in their 40's and 50's and one is a LAWYER and they act like complete children. "Well, dad never did this or that when we were young.." Blah, blah, blah. Grow up and get over it, will ya? They treat my mom like she has no value so I told her to provide basic health information regarding their father and that's it. She doesn't need the grief from those immature idiots. I know that they think there's money hidden somewhere and that they'll get some, but guess what? Surprise!!!! They have very little and have just enough to survive. Yes, they are my stepbrother and sisters, but they have NEVER shown concern for their father since my mom married him when I was 12. I guess it's unlikely to start now, hmm?

PRAYER IS THE ANSWER

...I relate to all. This is my second year of 24/7 caregiving for my wife. No family nor friends remain alive..just me. She forgets who I am and hates everything I do for her. We have gone from a comfortable life to a "pauper" life..with only the bare essentials. I get maybe 2 hrs of free time ..in the early morns. Like right now..she has awaken and calls for someone..anyone for help. I'm coming DEAR!!

I'm in a really bad situation. I'm still in my late 30's, have a teenager and had to move in with my Father who has esophogeal cancer and his wife who has alzhiemer's. It's really hard because when I was a teenager, my Father wasn't there for me. I lived alone in a bad side of town while he had his wife living decent caring for her kids. He would only come home and buy me groceries. For 3 years from the age of 13 to 16 I lived like this. Now I am the one taking care of them. I recently got a DWI, when I made a full year taking care of them two. I sometimes wish he would hurry up and die. Am I wrong for that? After that, I will hurry up and put his wife in a home. Her kids (she has 5) want nothing to do with her. It sucks ass. I hate this. She started shitting herself as of 3 months from now. All this because I made a promise to my Father that I would never put him in a nursing home. Whats worse is that when I was a teenager living at that house by myself, my Father came in drunk one day and raped me. He is a different person now, but sometimes I just feel so sick. Like why am I doing this? I don't know anymore. I am extremely depressed.

Well, I'm still here! My husband did retire and move to where I am. My mother's health has declined a little more. My child's life and new career are just ahead. I am a very proud parent! My husband is getting a clearer picture of what my life is like. I've tried to explain it to him this way: I am not the person you married. I can barely remember who that person is. I lay in bed at night and have memories of myself from so long ago, that it is starting to feel like the memories belong to someone else or are from a character in an old movie. I have had episodes where I have been so depressed, I have been scared andI hate the feeling. It's not so bad if I stay busy and I try to. I tell him I cannot even think about if I can make my way back to 'being me' when this is over. I hope I can. I miss me, too. In the meantime, he needs to live life, while living with Mom and I, WITHOUT constantly trying to include me in what he is doing! Now, how backwards of a relationship statement is that?! Meanwhile, Mom has become emotional so I am spending more time holding her emotionally afloat, while I feel myself slipping farther away. I still have a few good friends, but it's hard to have friendships, too, when you can't even make plans for coffee w/o the strong chance of having to cancel. Some people "get it" and others only see it as I let them down. I think: really? you should see it from here! Vineyardtechie: I hope for warm, sunfilled days for you in Florida to rejuvinate your body and spirit! To all: as long as there are caregivers, we are not alone. Just because those nearest to us, don't "get it", doesn't mean we're truely alone. I get it! And, really, no one else will read this sight! Would any of you read a sight like this if you weren't a caregiver!

Hospice Palliative care in our area has a dedicated "Respite" facility available for the primary care giver to take up to 5 days per every 6 months that the ill person is enrolled with Hospice. The ill person goes to that facility (it's not a hospital, but supposedly very nice in all respects) for FREE, as paid for by Medicare. The care giver (me, the husband) can go off to anywhere I please to find some respite for myself. I'm doing so this Spring; going to Florida from Cape Cod. If my wife is still alive; if she has passed away then I do not know what I will do for awhile, other than be sad & lonely. Best to you all, Jim

If it were not for Hospice Palliative care for my disabled wife: bi-polar + end stage COPD emphysema; I'd be sharing the deep desperation I read herein. I get down too, as I'd be "frozen" emotionally if I was not feeling. We hire a girl for about 6-8 hrs. week & she "cheers" up my wife. I'm doing the chores of living, but admit I'd do all of it anyway if I was a Widower. I'm attending the Welspouse.org Annual Convention this Oct. Have arranged care for my wife, who wants me to disappear too. She finds relating to females much easier than with me. I'm trying after 3 care-giving yrs. so we both know that we share hard times. We'll miss each other when my wife is dead. Death will end every single situation that is posted on this site. What we do each day, is what this site is suppose to assist with. This site is a big help. God bless us all. Jim

Everyone says take respite care opportunities. There ARE NONE. We spent our retirement savings on medical bills and I can't afford to pay for my own medications never mind respite care.

Folks, I can totally relate. God help me if/when he retires. I am fed up with taking care of people and their issues. His miserable midlife crisis amist my mothers dementia and hypocondria. I am sick of mothers fits and vicious remarks, and later, "oh, I just hadn't had any coffee", her sacarine sweet therapist, her kind MD who really do nothing to help. I quit answering her calls, each one another verbal assault. Her senior apartment complex has called me again, I am at work! I haven't had the courage to call them back. I am sick of them all.

I feel for you, BellaBaby, also for anonymous above. Some 25-30 years ago before the word Alzheimers came along and my MIL got too much for my FIL to handle (she often had him in tears) my two sisters-in-law (neither of whom worked, while I had to so we could pay our mortgage) looked after her during the week and dumped her on me over the weekends, the only time I had to do my chores, etc., while the family looked for a nursing home that was able to take her. To stop her walking out I had to sit with her for hour after boring hour. Then when my FIL was judged unfit to look after himself the family had a conference, from which I was excluded. I was uneasy but told myself if they expected me to be involved they would surely have included me in their conference. And besides, I told myself, nobody would be so brain-dead, so utterly heartless, as to dump an old man onto a woman who had to work when he had two daughters who didn't (and one of them filthy rich). But my husband came home and told me, "Dad's moving in with us." No "Is it all right", or even a "sorry"! Only now, when my husband has dumped one of those sisters (now 88) onto me do I realise why my FIL preferred to live with his DIL: his daughters were control freaks like their mother. Sweet, lovely, likeable ladies but boy did they know how to always get their own way! Certainly the one I am looking after knows. She even controls my shopping day! Whether my FIL also worked out I am easily bullied I don't know. I DID try to tell my husband I thought it wasn't in the interests of either his sister or us for her to live stuck in the country with people who couldn't afford to take her places and help her meet new friends, but he wouldn't listen. She's been with us four years now. Sooner or later caregivers get to the stage of "Hurry up and die and give me back my life". I guess it's easy for me to admit this because the ones I had to care for were in-laws. And perhaps because they were in-laws I have never felt guilty about my feelings. I consider them perfectly natural human feelings. My SIL is not only a control freak but also a hypochondriac. She insists she's allergic top both gluten and dairy products but I've watched her when she's eaten enough of either one to cause problems and the symptoms she claimed (a runny nose so bad it keeps her awake) have appeared only when she caught a cold. I have actually never met such an unsnotty 88-year-old. She also blows hot and cold over just about every food I prepare. I never know when she will decide that she "doesn't like" something. I am also totally fed up with eating what I call "premasticated" labour-intensive dinners. I absolutely long for something that will give me a good chew.

Just like you arn't looking forward to having your husband move in with you... and the guilt of that? I too, am experiencing those feelings. My grandfather has recently been diagnosed with cancer and my husband an I have been here for nearly 7 years! Whew!! But now suddenly all my brothers and sisters (i'm one of 8)decide that they want to come spend some time with him. Some of them live local, others don't. None the less they all are planning to come for the week of Cinco de Mayo (we're Mexican, so thats a significant holiday). My grandfather is happy and can't wait, even my husband is looking forward to it. I, although I pretend to be moderatly happy about it. In reality, I' dreading the time.... and every day it's coming closer and closer. One of them has been calling every few days to make sure I haven'f forgotten. I think she's calling because she's so excited that we'll al be together! I can hear the excitement in her voice. I don't want to be a 'kill-joy', so I had the phone to my husband. I walk outside to not be available. All I can think about it, is picking someone up from the airport, planning and fixing meals for everyone, entertaining when I don't feel like entertaining anyone. The house will be cluttered with baggage and stuff.... And on top of this joyous occasion, will be my grandfather putting his demands on me to show off his authority...And then there's still the routine things we need to do... keep his meds on schedule, clean and make his med daily, wash all the linens, air out the house so it doesn't smell of urine or 'old people' etc...... So, I feel guilty. And I don't know what to do, nor do I know how to snap out of this funk. I don't know if I can?

OMG! the movie groundhog day.....I totally realate to that....I've said the same thing many times

I've just read several articles w/i this site and I hear the same thing I've been hearing for the 6 years I've been a fulltime caregiver. It's easy for people to say "take care of yourself", but much harder to do. It takes so much planning and coordinating for me to just get a day off, I most often skip any invites to go anywhere. And if I do need to see a dr., which is very rare for me, no matter what it is for, the dr. will blame anything and everything on the fact that I am a caregiver! And they say you need to take better care of yourself. I eat healthy, I walk, I have some good supportive friends. What I don't have, except for one niece in law, is a family that won't do anything for mom or me. My spouse lives very far away and my adult child lives far away in another direction. I have about 20 relatives that live in the same town I live in (which I had to move to and buy a house) with my mother. When mom is gone, all I want to do is leave and never come back. I can't even stand to look at several of my relatives because their selfishness makes me feel like I am going to throw up. The problem is not caring for my mom, but where we are. I made the choice to move here rather than moving her to where I was living, because I did not want to take her away from her few remaining friends and family that she does have contact with. Now my spouse is about to retire and move here. I love him and miss him, but I find myself dreading him moving here! I feel like I am at my capacity for taking care of people and him moving here feels like one more person I have to do things for! One more person that will look to me for meals and clean clothes and support! My phone conversations have become shorter and shorter b/c I don't want to hear him talk about retirement. And I have shared this with him and with friends and even w/ a dr. and they all say: oh it'll be ok, you just need to take better care of yourself! Somedays I feel like nothing is real! Like my whole life is like the show Groundhog Day.