The death of a mother or father can strike an adult child unexpectedly hard. Parent death brings a unique kind of grieving, whether you've been a hands-on caregiver and helper at the end of life or your parent has been living independently and well. The break in the parent-child bond can reverberate for the rest of your life.
Here are six factors that grief experts say can shape grieving over a parent's death:
1. Our parents are our "wisdom keepers." "We spend a lifetime looking to our parents for answers," says psychotherapist Sherry E. Showalter, author of Healing Heartaches: Stories of Loss and Life. They're the repositories of knowledge about our history, our upbringing, family traditions, the names of all those faces in old photos. With their passing so, too, goes the information and insight that hasn't already been transmitted or recorded.
2. Unresolved issues often follow the parent-child relationship into adulthood. The balance of the parent-child relationship shifts several times, first as we gain maturity and create our own families, and then as parents grow older and often need our support. These realities bring plenty of opportunities for misunderstanding or discord. And not all these bumps are smoothed out by the end. Differences that go unreconciled can leave a forlorn sense of unfinished business, Showalter says.
3. Parent death always feels sudden -- even when it's not. People often expect that the death of someone older or someone who's been ill for a long time will feel easier to endure because it's predictable. Yet the disappearance from your life of a figure you've known since birth is, when it finally happens, always a sudden change.
4. Decisions about rituals are up to you. "Suddenly you're the adult preparing the funeral, the viewing, the obituary, the eulogy -- there's nobody older to tell you how to manage, no one to correct you or say, 'No, that's not how you do it!'" says one woman in her 40s who lost both parents within two years. "I felt pushed to a different level of adulthood."
5. Your children lose grandparents. Many people who lose their parents talk about "grieving for what won't ever be" -- being unable to ask their parents for parenting advice, for example, or having their parents attend their children's birthday parties, graduations, and weddings. Parents may also need to help their children mourn, or they may feel a need to preserve the grandparents' legacy for their children.
6. Losing the "buffer generation" forces us to reexamine our own mortality. When a grandparent dies, there's still a whole generation between you and death. With a parent's death, your own eventual demise may feel uncomfortably nearer.
I am just going to write on here to help me today. its been about 1.5 years that my father died in the backyard of a massive heart attack 3 days after my summer visit. We were at their cottage fishing and playing card games.. He did seem a little tired. I've lived a 3 hour flight away from them for about 5 years and got to visit quite regularly.. and talked to my dad daily. I'm sitting here crying wondering when it's going to get better. I know there are days that I can look at pictures and video and think "aww he was so cute and silly, I miss him" and it be ok...but not today. He was the closest person to me. We had talked on the phone multiple times the day he died and I was planning his trip to visit me in the arctic where I live.. then I got the call 10pm.. ton papa est mort. I do feel I need to take on so much more responsibility because my father was the one making sure my mother took her medication daily, for schizophrenia.. and now she's just slipped away and have to look after everything even though I was not named executor and the ones who were withdrew. It just feels overwhelming. I read a great book called "Hello from Heaven" which REALLY helped me. It's a soothing book about communications with people from the other side. Now i'm readong "Temples on the Other Side" which is an interesting look at what goes on in the death process and the series of events one goes through as they review their life and all that. I believe in that stuff. I was so happy 2 weeks ago that my dad visited me in my dreams two nights in a row and we just hung out and he showed me all the things he was painting and making look all perfect (which he always did) and it was so natural and i didn't want to let him go I was holding his pant pocket and baby finger and i was just looking up at him.. so happy to hear his voice and feel his presence. I did a great program a few month before my dad went to the other side called Hoffman process.. it really helped me see my authentic self... truly am (rather then a result of my upbringing, rebellion and what not) and it also helped me forgive my parents for anything and everything they did that was not ideal for raising a child/children. I'm so happy now that before my dad passed over the years I told him how much I thank him and forgive him for everything and how I hope he forgives me for everything. (I was a handful as a teen and I'm sure that's an understatement) I don't know how I would be without having done the Hoffman process.. I hugged him all the time and I'm so happy I didn't hold back much. As one of the positive sides of all this, I appreciate how my boyfriend has become the man of my life.. which is natural BUT until my dad passed.. it was not like that.. dad was still my #1. My boyfriend only got to know my dad for about 1.5 years and only when we travelled home.. they were fond of each other and we both regret that he wont get to hang out with him more. My dad loved to teach and he knew pretty much everything about building and fixing things and my bf would have learned so much from him. And now I'm sad that the tools in the workshop are gathering dust and my mother is sleeping most of the day and talking to herself and I can't move back home just yet because I have commitments here and I love my life and job and what I do.. I'm not ready to go back but I feel guilty about that. Thank god I have a kind and loving boyfriend who looks after me well and understands how I feel about all this.. or at least he listens and takes me seriously. you might ask.. Do I have anyone else who can help my mother?? I am in touch with the mental health people and they know her situation but sadly she is in a grey zone.. We actually have to wait till she is a threat to herself or someone else or some junk like that.. Or else I can take a chance to get her forcibly admitted but it's not certain that they will keep her and help her so what's the point of creating more drama. My brother does not understand mental illness and gets frustrated and freaked out by her. My dad's best friend does not talk to me because I'm not doing things his way and my mom had the dog put down a few months after dad passed and we all wanted the dog and had no idea she would have her put down. That action hurt lots of people and those who expressed it to my mother made a cut in the relationship. So I feel alone in this... other than paying lawyer and calling mental health people. I'm lucky my mother still somewhat talks to me.. but I don't even feel like dealing with this.. I don't even like going to the house I grew up (where I still have a room at) because my dad is not there. sure some of his energy is there but his laugh and yelling at the news and talking to the hockey games.. it's all gone. but yes, it's an opportunity for a new life.. and it is, I know that.. but I have this heavy mother situation to deal with.. or do I? is it my responsibility? Well, this is how things look to me today. I feel a little better writing.. I will go to the gym tonight and work out and positively channel this energy and get those endorphins going!
Hello 'jesuslovesyou', I’m very sorry to hear of your loss of your mother. My condolences to you and your family at this difficult time. As needed, Caring.com has some grief resources that may be a source of support, such as our bereavement center (http://www.caring.com/grief). Members of your Alzheimer’s Stage Group may be a source of support as well: http://www.caring.com/my/group I hope these suggestions are helpful to you.
I just lost my sweet mom yesterday (12-6-11). She struggled with dementia for a decade and ended up not being able to speak or smile. Even though I know it was time and she is finally relieved of her suffering it is so very hard. I went to her care home 6 out of every 7 days. She was dear to me and I've been missing her for a long time now since she lost so many abilities. My dad died just 13 months ago...now they are reunited and I must keep that hope that I will see them again. I truly believe this and so that comforts me greatly. I love this website...there is always some article and comments that are helpful..this one is no exception. Thank you Caring.com and thank you all for sharing!!
Hugs Louanne322
This article nailed it. Thank you.
Everyone deals with the loss in their own way.....I find it very difficult and resent when people say "snap out of it". Losing my mom was the hardest and I feel the loss each and every day, I go on with life, but it hurts, and it hurts a lot. Miss my mom more and more each day...that will NEVER go away. Some people just don't get it.
Hugs Louanne322
Losing the first parent is painful, losing the last parent is overwhelming. You suddenly feel alone. Like reaching out while walking in the dark and not being able to grab anything, feelings felt by an only child. Yeth through proper counseling. prayer and tears one day you wake up and realize, as long as they are in my heart, they will never really be gone. Life moves one.
Hugs Louanne322
Puts things into perspective. I've been so busy trying to help my mom that I haven't attended to my own grief.
Thank you for this article. It has soothed my heart. People I work with find it necessary to point out to me that I am now an orphan, as my dad died in 2009, and my mom this past July. I don't feel "orphaned" - I had my parents with me for 52 years. Others come to me for consolation -- they want help in facing their own parents' passing (most have healthy parents!). Lots of pointless drama: "Oh, i don't know how I will EVER deal with my parents' deaths...." I don't get it... It's not about them, right? Why can't people just say simply: "I am sorry for your loss"? A few relatives came to me at my mom's visitation to ask for things (household items, etc) and one sibling is freaking out, believing that he's going to be cheated out of his "fair share" of her estate. He is so angry, and his behavior caustic and cruel -- even after we hired a lawyer and he was informed that her trust stipulates an even share among all her children. I don't understand such reactions. Why does this happen -- that objects and money become so important? That people who didn't give a bit of affection, time, or love to my parents now demand THINGS? And I am not an "orphan"!
Bailey123, please go to a doctor RIGHT NOW!! It sounds to me as if you might be suffering from depression, what with the loss of your father and the distancing from your sister. If you have depression, your doctor can give you meds and information to help fight it--DON'T WAIT!! Please come back and tell us how you're doing--we care, and will ALWAYS be here for you. God bless you.
This is a beautifully written article that gives helpful insight into a very difficult time of life. I plan to link it to my own blog and share it with my clients and patients. Thank you!
The Buffer generation points were helpful I lost my fathe in 2001 and my mother in February of this year.
Remindersof the issues that I will face after I have said the long goodbye and will have to say the final goodbye.
This article gave exactly what it promised.
Since we loss our father my sister and me have grown apart. No one calls me to see if Iam ok or nothing. I guess Iam on my own now.
Hugs DeniceR
Prayers Dorothy's Daughter, CarpandKoi
I just loss my father om March 9th 2011. Iam so lost with out him. Everyday his such a struggle getting out of bed and focusing on things to do. Iam getting sick and griefing so much over my father that it is so hard to keep going on with my life.
Hugs CarpandKoi
Prayers Dorothy's Daughter
Oh YES....I have been feeling this since my mom died 12/21/10 and I envision I will ALWAYS feel this....it is a HUGE loss for me.
After our mother left us, the brother I had respected and looked up to became someone I did not know nor would I have wanted to know. We are co-executors of Mom's will and he wanted me to sign a "Renunciation" regarding any part of the estate. He said that the lawyer had sent him the request although he denied knowing what the whole think meant. Later I asked the lawyer who had requested the signing and was told that it was my brother who requested it stating that I had no interest in the co-executorship. At the Celebration of Life for Mom he asked me 3 times if I had signed the renunciation paper and his wife ask once on the same day....AT the celebration. If this is his way of grieving I cannot accept it. Did I lose my brother as well as my mother???
Hugs beatbreastcancer
Prayers beatbreastcancer
This really touched home...and is so true! Thank you for putting into words much of what I've been experiencing emotionally during these last 9 months since my mother's passing! It was so helpful to me to read this!
Hugs JASMINEELISA
Thanks for this very important post. It's true -- losing a parent is a loss unlike any other. The best way to cope with these losses is to tackle your grief and emotions head-on, so that you truly deal with your feelings and begin to heal. Reach out to your siblings and other family members who can share in your pain, and work through it together.