Communication breakdown #2: Dealing with money
- Both your parents are increasingly frail and forgetful, but they refuse to let you help with bills and other practical matters.
Your experience: You and your older sister, who lives across the country, agree that your parents need more help. You volunteer to take over their finances, since you live closer. But your father insists that he can handle the bills himself. Your mother doesn't like the housecleaner your sister hired and told her not to come back. Their house is messy and cluttered, and you couldn't help noticing that your father's desk, where he pays the bills, is buried in papers and books.
Now your sister calls you at work to fret over what should be done. When you visit your parents, which you can only do on the weekends, you miss your routines with your own family and the chance to catch up on your sleep. Your parents seem oblivious to the fact that their disorder is gradually taking over your life, too.
During your last visit to your parents' house, you wanted to leave as soon as you arrived. When you asked about the bills, again, your mother said sweetly, "We're fine, dear. We really don't want to be a burden," and you felt like shouting, "But you are a burden! And you're ruining my life!"
Your parents' experience: It's important to see your frustrations in the context of your parents' broader situation. They're well aware that their years of independence are numbered: your father is showing signs of early dementia, and your mother is growing weaker by the day. Meanwhile, your father had to give up driving last year because of his cataracts. For your parents, life as they've always known it seems to be retreating into memory.
Given all the changes they face, your parents are trying to cling to the areas of life they can still manage. They appreciate your concern but also find it a little insulting. Your father likes to take care of the family finances: He's proud of his capability, punctuality, and ability to pay. Your mother prefers to do her own housekeeping -- even if it is a little slapdash.
Your parents are also focusing, consciously or unconsciously, on their legacy. They've always prided themselves on their hard work and independence. The idea of being a burden to you and your sister is mortifying. They know the day will likely come, but they're anxious to put it off as long as possible.
Communication breakthrough #2: Clearing the air
Some tips for breaking through this communication impasse:
- Be direct: If you find that interactions with your parents have become a dialogue of the deaf, tell them that you're frustrated; chances are they feel the same way. Clearing the air may help you find some common ground.
- Listen: Be receptive to what your parents have to say. If they're intent on managing on their own, don't argue. Listen to the messages that may be concealed in the remarks they make, and try to find solutions that work for all of you. If your father has too much pride to turn the bills over to you, for example, or is reluctant to share his financial information, he may agree to see an accountant instead.
- Back off: When talking to your parents is consistently difficult, sometimes the best solution is to back off. If you continue to badger your parents, you'll only alienate them and frustrate yourself. If the worst that can happen is that checks could bounce or late fees accrue, let the matter rest for a while. Keep in touch with your father about how he's managing, and offer to help again if and when he seems more receptive.
- Take care of yourself: If you find that you're frequently stressed out and angry, make sure that you're not neglecting your own needs. Try to make time for yourself and for your other relationships. Take regular breaks and vacations, even if it means hiring someone to stay with your parents. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be there for your parents and your family.
My mother has many health issues, and has just went through open heart surgery. There are 4 siblings and many grandchildren who were never around until they thought she may not make it through this latest surgery. I live in the Boston area, with 1 sister in CA who has been caring for our Mother, taking her to Drs. appointments, grocery store, and out to lunch or dinner. Our Mother is no longer driving, and is on a very limited budget. While our Mom was in the hosptital, my sister collected her bills for her, and we decided to pay off all of her credit cards so when she come home she would not have to worry so much about the bills that might occur with her many new medications. There are two other sisters that are not able to help out finacially, and they have only started to visit again. When our Mother found out my sister and I had paid off her cards, she was livid, and now wants nothing to do with us. If we even ment ioned bringing in a mentiator she will never ever speck to us. Our Mother doesn't have anything except a very small house, so there isn't really any estate to speak of. Our hearts were in the right place, but how do we resolve the problem. I have choosen to step back for a while, as the other family believes our upseting Mom by paying as many bills as we could cover with our own money was a mistake. We are not looking to be repaid, we just wanted to give her a little relief from the stress. A granddaghter is now in charge of her checkbook, and this granddaughter has been a problem for years with the entire family, exceept with our Mother. Ouch! (She doesn't trust her own daughters to look out for her.) We understand this generation is very secretive about their personal finance, but we are all concerned for her welfare, and she refuses to sort out any of her affairs. She has been very good about pinning the siblings against each other during her recovery. Does anyone have any idea's?
this is completely one-sided. the elderly used to EARN respect by gaining wisdom through life experience, not by raging through senior life in stubborn denial. seniors have a responsibility to face their stage of life head-on..doctors and children should be able to bluntly point out reality when they refuse to look - as any caring individual would do for their, children, friend or partner. "Hey Dad, you can't buckle the seat belt on your own, you are unable to turn your head to see in the blind spot and your vision is failing. Stop being selfish and a danger to others and agree to stop driving. What kind of alternative arrangements can we make?" If they don't want to be treated like children - then they can act like responsible adults. Its not anyone's job to walk on eggshells and lie to them about their dimished capabilities. For myself, I would rather die in a cave than be this kind of burden to my children when they are in the midst of raising their own family. And before someone starts in with the "hey they took care of you, now you take care of them.." NO, they have already been taken care of when they were children by their own parents. Children have the right to be taken care of without any expectation of a debt to be repaid. Your parents are ADULTS. Expect them to behave like one.
Helpful article but pretty basic. In our situation, Dad had made a late life marriage to a lady who was very hard to get along with and jealous of his past marriage and children. He had been lonely and was also looking for someone who could run the household as he was in failing health and unable to live there alone. They refused, in spite of several health crises, to discuss "Plan B": what they wanted their life to look like once living independently was impossible. We had to finally take Dad's license away as he was having blackouts; he kept trying to drive anyway. This left his wife under considerable pressure to drive in spite of poor skills, worsening cataracts. Her children refused to ask her to stop driving. Dad began skipping doctor's appointments to avoid hospitalization, and they were both were hiding high blood pressure and TIA's. Finally, she crashed the car, mercifully without killing herself or anyone else. With her injury, their world fell apart...Dad could not live alone, and she was not eligible for a hospital bed in our area. We ended up bringing them both home to our house to recover and plan their next steps. In the middle of that, Dad had a heart attack and passed away. In spite of her considerable confusion, her children began badgering her to get the house and wanted to know what she got in Dad's will...but they left her with us. After two weeks we asked them to come up with a plan for their mother's future, and by this time she was having tantrums daily, insisting she was going to move back to the house and buy a new car. They finally came and picked her up, but one of them moved into Dad's house (which was not left to his wife) and refused to leave. The house was strip mined. She wound up in a care facililty she had never seen. It was a really painful experience. I wish now we had been more assertive about how they needed to address their advancing infirmities and pushed harder on them moving to more manageable circumstances nearby, where we could support them. Then, if one of them had passed away, the other would not have been left to face all these tough transitions alone. It was an outcome they never imagined, but it happens all the time.
Very helpful in caring for my parents I am incline to want to organise them. I tend to be so work focused that I am trying to run the situation like a business implementing process and procedures. I need to remember that even if they do not express their feelings it doesn't mean they do not have any.
helpful but most direct communication will be met with resistance