If the person you're concerned about has a cognitive problem and can't understand the danger he poses to himself and others, you may have to take more extreme measures. Some adult children have resorted to having their parents' car disabled or found ways to make it disappear; others have hidden the car keys -- and have never found them. In The Driving Dilemma, Elizabeth Dugan cautions adult children to use such "extralegal steps" only in cases where there's a clear danger and the driver is incapable of understanding the risk.
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I am so concerned for my step-dad. He has had dementia for several years, but in the last 6 months, it has progressed. I live far away but talk several times a week to my mom. While we are on the phone, he has needed help to find the bathroom in their house they've lived in for 25 years. For the last 2 years, he has counted on my mom to navigate him anywhere they go. He insists on driving. It makes me worried sick. I have heard of some close calls they've had, of him "turning left" at the light, but into the oncoming traffic! He realizes he gets lost on his own, and doesn't take the car alone anymore, but yesterday he left and was gone for 18 hours! The police found him at 5am, after he ran a red light. They asked if he was lost, and he said no. He said he was going to meet his wife in some town. He was very confused and not making sense. He does not even realize how long he was gone. He doesn't realize this was a big deal. The police told my mom to hide his keys. She is consoling him, saying, it's ok, you can still drive with me by your side. Am I crazy???? I think there is no way he should still be driving if he isn't capable of getting from point a to b (and I'm talking the usual places he's been to for 30 years) on his own. It's not a safe situation to be a driving puppet like that. I can't understand, my usually wise mother not seeing this for what it is. The police said they are going to suggest a drivers test for him. But if the test only consists of them telling him exactly where to go...he may just pass. Can anyone give me some input.
Avoiding to internalize their problems as your own is the difficult part and for me it has been a process. I'm not there yet but I am put a lot of effort so at my age I still can be functional besides the purpose of only serving others to the detrimental aspects of having a life, using any talents, or being allowed to have joy. I have continually remind myself, I'll do my part, if they don't want to do theirs (husband or relatives) then....let the boat sink, that's their choice. EAsier said than done, but I'm trying to let go, hope I'll get there.
The tough line between safety & independence is a tough one for families in many different circumstances. Driving being one of the toughest ones, and of course the one that can most affect other people which makes it a bit different. But, I thought this article on that general topic might be helpful to some as well: http://www.agingwisely.com/hedging-your-bets-aging-in-place-and-taking-risks-with-independence/ (some ways families can prepare/things they can do when torn between worries about an aging loved one and that loved one's desire to keep things status quo).
This is a bit of a hard line to walk... My dad had to stop driving in his early seventies, soon after being diagnosed with Parkinson's. He did it on his own with little argument, thank goodness! But for years before his diagnosis he was noticeably less dependable of a driver than he had been and would not admit it. On the other hand my grandpa (on mom's side) lived to be 96 and drove up until the last couple years of his life. He did just fine, in fact better than a lot of drivers many years younger. That's what I mean about it being a hard line to walk because age is obviously not the only factor. A number of years ago I was driving down Main St in Mesa, AZ when two or three cars in front of me suddenly stopped. I slammed on my brakes barely avoiding a collision as did several cars behind me. The driver in front of me looked back and shrugged as if he didn't know what had happened. Shortly we saw what had happened. An older man, my guess would be well into his seventies at least, was tooling down the wrong side of the street in the wrong direction! He apparently lived in a retirement community the group of vehicles was just passing, and the entrance gate is about halfway between two lights about a mile apart. Apparently he did not want to go down to the next light and turn around or go in a side entrance, so he just decided to go about half a mile in the wrong direction to go in the front entrance. He just turned in as if nothing had happened, and I don't know if he was even aware of the near disaster he caused! I had my then ten year old nephew in the car with me and was furious, but didn't get a good enough look at the car to do much about it. Another time, still in Mesa, I was driving down Main Street but further west when I stopped at a light. Sitting at the light on the other side of the street was an older driver, maybe eighty ish or older, facing in the wrong direction waving at other drivers as they went past. Thank God the light changed and people let him go safely through the intersection, but I didn't get a license plate number or anything and don't know if anything was reported or if anything else happened. Lord knows older drivers aren't the only ones with problems, but so few want to admit they have a problem and few want to challenge them on it!
All the suggestions in this article are great, however most of these things only work in a perfect world. In the end, families end up having to do things to prevent the risk of an impaired senior driving, that they might not do if there were no impairment. It took a collaboration with myself, my parents' physicians, AND a cooperative manager at the DMV to get both my parent's licenses pulled at age 89, after over 2 years off efforts - hard efforts, lots of phone calls, faxes, emails, conversations, and legal advice. Don't rely on the reporting laws of the states helping you, my state has that law, and both the primary care provider and the neurologist that diagnosed them both with AD had no idea what I was talking about when I asked them to comply with the law, giving them section, code, and all. It takes a lot of work, and some difficult decisions, but in the end, it is best for all concerned - including public safety.
As a paralegal and having senior parents, I believe it should be mandatory that after a certain age, the DMV should randomly send letters notifying senior driviers that they MUST take a driver's monitoring test. There also should be limited restrictions when senior drivers can drive (i.e., not during rush hour). They have restrictions for teens with junior licenses; therefore, they should do it to seniors. Anyone who is fortunate to reach the age of 70 plus, should be periodically tested, especially if they receive frequent tickets or accidents. For example, my aunt has had so many accidents, that she had a difficult time obtaining car insurance! The problem: she refused to keep up with her eye exams and use glasses when driving! The rationale is bizaare! Her children have done everything in their power (including hiding her keys) to keep her off the road. If she was being monitored by the DMV, it might put a bit more fear in her and it would take the burden off her children.
Jane-You're right, sometimes all you can do it let it play out. Sometimes people are reluctant to intervene, though it does sound like the bank should have reported concerns. You may be able to talk to a manager there and express that concern--they may not really be able to talk to you/share information, but you can at least say what you are concerned about and that you are surprised they aren't more concerned. We're lucky in our area to have a couple police officers within departments that are assigned to deal with seniors--someone like that would be a great resource. Your dept. may not have that but may have some officers trained in dealing with mental illness (we have a special program that some go through in FL)--those may be other resources, even if just to keep at hand in case anything additional plays out... It's hard when you see these things happening, but it sounds like it is beyond your control at this point.
Shannon, my husband and I did try to talk to his brothers. Initially they were all in agreement that we need to start evaluating the situation. Then suddenly the one brother who is power of attorney changed his mind and the other brother followed suit. My husband and I do not understand why they are acting this way. Just recently my husband had a conversation with his mother and she was again having delusions about a neighbor "stealing from her" (2 tablespoons of cocoa, 2 potatoes, vegetables, an egg, and towels). She called police and reported her neighbor for theft! She then sent my husband a letter and stated that the neighbor stole her checkbook, so she cancelled all checks written! She found the checkbook in her purse, so of course the lady picked her lock and put it back! So actually she stopped payment on checks she herself wrote and she forgot! Then she went on to say the bank called her about payments not being made on a loan, and she accused neighbor of getting a loan and using her name on it, then not making the payments. I recall when she started really showing signs of dementia she had gotten this loan because she had accumulated $20,000 in debt on credit cards etc. She has obviously forgotten, so she told the bank she didn't take out that loan. Wonder why bank isn't calling adult protective services considering what is occuring now? The police (I spoke to them) are also aware that she is having "mental issues", but they have not reported it either. She has called them many, many times and even sent police chief letters about theft and homeless people sleeping in her car! She is ruining herself financially, and she's driving neighbors nuts with accusations all the time. I pretty much have given up on getting her some help. The sons, DMV, doctor, police,and bank could help this situation but they apparently don't choose to. We will have to just sit back and let things play out I suppose. I just hope with all my heart nothing tragic happens to her or someone else because issues aren't being addressed. I gave it my best.
Jane-That sounds like a bad response from the DMV--I don't know your state specifics, but in Florida anyone can report regardless of being related or not. It starts a medical review process. Now, unfortunately if the doctor has an attitude of "everything's fine" they may not fill out the resulting paperwork accurately (I have seen this before with an older doc who had the patient since beginning of his practice-did not want to offend him and I think saw him as an equal and didn't want to admit that it may be time for this.). It sounds like a situation in need of change (and more issues going on then just driving). An indep. eval as someone mentioned is a good idea and a geriatric care manager may also be a good resource and have creative solutions. All of this could be a challenge with no cooperation from closer family members, so it may be best to work on them. Another idea: see if her son will consult (she doesn't necc. need to be involved to start) with a geriatric care manager (perhaps a conference with both of you and any other family involved) to discuss what you've seen, get professional input and ideas. May help to have someone besides you talk to him and emphasize the dangers. It is hard for any of us to see clearly sometimes when it comes to our close loved ones. You can find local care managers at www.caremanager.org-ask them about the experience, philosophy, successes with this issue. I also wanted to share this handout with you guys: http://www.agingwisely.com/wp-content/handouts2011/TakingAwayKeys.pdf
Forget the guilt and the blame. There comes a time when people become incapable for driving... for their own safety and the safety of the whole community, report them. Do everything you can under the law to get them off the roads. If that doesn't work, take the keys, disable the ignition, take the car to a public storage facility. Just do what needs to be done! In 2003, an 84 year old driver drove his car at high speed into a farmers' market in downtown Santa Monica. Ten people, including a baby, were killed and over 50 were injured. Don't let something like that happen.
Update since my last post. Mother in law issues became a family battle basically, and my husbands brothers stopped contact with us. Just this past week they let my husband know they were all getting together at their moms house. She is STILL driving sad to say, and my husband said there is visible damage to fence in the driveway. Also she is getting worse as far as behaviors. Some of my brother in laws smoke, so when they went outside to do so, she forgot and kept locking them out! She filed a police report in the last 6 to 8 weeks also about a burglary at her home. Blamed the neighbor for breaking in and stealing her towels. She found the towels however (she had forgotten where she stashed them), but was angry and told her sons that the neighbor broke back in and put them back. My husband and I just had to distance ourselves from the situation since son that is power of attorney refuses to act. I hope we do not have to experience what some of the other posters have said about car accidents and folks losing their lives.
MY HUSBAND IS A GOOD DRIVER, BUT HE HAS TROUBLE REMEMBERING STREETS AND LOCATIONS. I ALWAYS ACCOMPANY HIM SO I CAN GIVE DIRECTIONS. HOWEVER, HE SOMETIMES SEEMS TO RESENT THE FACT THAT I AM GIVING DIRECTIONS, AS IF I AM BEING BOSSY.
Hugs Selera
I really appreciated the information about filing an unsafe driver report. Honestly, if my grandmother can pass an on road test with an officer, then I would feel much better about her driving. I'm so sure that my grandfather couldn't pass such a test due to his dementia, it's good to know I have a legal means of getting him to stop driving.
I have tried every one of these measures, and my mother in law still drives. Her other sons refuse to "upset her" by having her evaluated at the drivers license bureau, or the doctors office. I spoke to her doctor, and he didn't want to be the "bad guy", so he did absolutely nothing, and I sent a dangerous driver form to the state department of motor vehicles and told them she had hit a parked car in a lot, tore off the front end, dragged it behind her, but was totally unaware until police were waiting outside the store for her. She is diabetic, and denies it saying doctor is in a conspiracy, she is on high blood pressure meds, and against doctor advice she takes on average 30 different "herbs" and supplements, she has fallen several times and once required surgery to repair an arm, she has had a quad bypass, she writes letters to police chief saying there are homeless people sleeping in her car, she tells police family members are stealing lotion, Bible bookmarks, eye exercise video tapes, puts spike nails sharp side up around fence perimeter because she swore people were stealing her tomatoes...but the city made her have them removed. She has hit the fence dividing her driveway from the neighbors yard (the neighbor does not have a driveway, so I know she did it.) She orders stuff and uses her credit card, then forgets and calls credit card company when item arrives to her house, and claims identity theft. She had an episode about 4 or 5 years ago where she was smelling carbon monoxide in her house, our house, another house, a few cars she was in, and we tried to explain you can't smell that, it is odorless. She had furnace replaced and the chimney liner too. Still smelled stuff that was not there and called 911, gas company repeatedly even after being assured house was safe. She changed chimney liner 2 more times in 3 months at a large expense she can't afford. She is ruining herself financially from home shopping, scams from magazines about "cancer cures" etc. She is on a fixed income, has no savings, and her house it worth nothing, and now she owes a mortgage on it from credit card debts. The department of motor vehicles refused to do anything about my report, and their excuse was this...I was not a close enough relative...just her daughter in law, even though I was doing a lot of the hands on care! Thanks for nothing folks. Any other ideas? I am very worried she will harm others from her terrible driving, or herself. The other relatives refuse to pull their heads out of the sand, and demand she just be left living alone with nobody checking on her at all.
You did not mention the option of a clinical driving evaluation performed by occupational therapist. These evaluations provide objective data for accident risk. Most family members are thankful for the evaluation and the reasoning behind why restrictions or recommendations to retire from driving are made. Contact ADED website to find an driving program near you. Duke Driving Program
My mother was 81 and I was taking her to her hair appointments etc. One morning, she wanted to go to the grocery store that she had been going to for 30 years. She has a clean record and just had her license renewed. I got a phone call about 15 minutes after I had last talked to her. She was killed pulling out of the road my parents lived on for 30 years. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through. The accident was her fault..the other driver was fine, he was in a monster truck. Do your best to keep them from driving!! I thank God she did not hurt anyone else, that would have been unbearable. My dad is still driving but he is VERY alert and is more like a much younger man. It is not age as much as thier physical and mental health.
My father's driven like a maniac his whole life. Now he's finally slowing down a bit!
I am so not looking forward to the day I might have to suggest to my mother that she not drive. She's so independent now and I don't see that changing anytime soon.
Very helpful. Now we need an article to deal with the guilt and possibly the blame of taking the driving privileges away.