When offering condolences, there are plenty of things not to say to a grieving person; finding the right words can be harder. The following suggestions offer kindness and compassion. And sometimes you don't have to say anything at all; when it comes to condolences, a hug is often worth a thousand words.
1. "I'm so sorry for your loss." It's short, sweet, heartfelt, and always welcomed.
2. "Please know that I'm here for you." It never hurts to remind someone in pain of your friendship, no matter how close you are.
3. "You're in my thoughts and prayers." Even people who aren't religious are unlikely to be offended if they know you're sincere (or leave off the "prayers" if you think they might be).
4. "Remember you can call me at any hour." Alternately, be specific: "You know I'm always up till midnight." Or, "It's never too early in the morning to call."
5. "She was such a wonderful person." Don't worry that you'll make the bereaved person think about the loved one by bringing up positive reminisces; you can rest assured he or she is always in mind already.
6. "I don't know what to say." Admitting you're tongue-tied about offering condolences is better than falling back on a platitude.
7. "I can't imagine what you're going through." Candor when you give condolence beats comparing the death with your own stories of loss.
8. "Would you like to talk about it? I'm listening." Provide a gentle opening for the person to share turbulent emotions, if desired.
9. "How are you feeling -- really?" A more pointed invitation to unload may be welcomed by some; just don't press.
10. "I've brought you a meal to eat or freeze; it's in disposable containers so you don't have to return anything." Better than asking, "How can I help?" is to step in with concrete help: bringing a meal, a quart of milk, a carton of eggs picked up when you do your own grocery shopping; or showing up to mow the lawn. Offering condolences is an act of kindness; actionable acts of kindness give both condolence and practical support.
OK, I'm just going to come right out and say that #2 and #4 should not be anywhere on this list, UNLESS, the person actually means it. As a widower of four years, I cannot tell you the number of times I've heard these two, and then had ZERO follow-up from the people who said them. The other eight? They're okay, because they're expressions of sympathy, but #2 and #4 are a *commitment of support.* And if you're not really going to be there to support us, DON'T SAY IT, because it will hurt far worse later than you never saying it to begin with. For that matter, I'm going to pick on #8 and #9 just a little bit too, since again, if you really aren't going to listen, don't offer. It's that simple. I guess the bottom line is that we're in such a state that the last thing we need is insincerity. What we're going through is very, very real, and very, very painful, and just paying lip service to caring about supporting us or listening to us is downright hurtful and offensive, especially since we're already dealing with a lot of people leaving our lives because they don't want to deal with a grieving person. #1 and #3 are fine and accepted as pretty perfunctory, without being offensive. #6 is fine (and very honest). #5 is a kindness, unless we know perfectly well you didn't like the person, in which case it comes off as insincere. #7 is also fine and very honest. And #10 is a true expression of caring about us that takes so little time but ultimately means so much. My $0.02.
I never know what to say.
Possibly pointing out the insensitivity of saying, "I know what you are going through." Because we don't, unless we have.
Paula, Great article! I just posted a link to it on my blog, GriefWalk. http://sandielzinga.wordpress.com. I think my readers will relate...
A friend just loss her husband after a long illness. Though death is not new to me or her it is just always hard to know what to say, i will be printing this one.
Very practical advise. Giving information on a grief support group is also very helpful. When my husband died I thought everything would be fine because I worked at a Hospice and worked with families and patients. Even with all the love and support of co-workers it was the support group that helped the most. I learned I was not going crazy and others who have experienced a death recently really understood what it's like. Listening is the greatest gift you can give someone!!
When my father died, I remember an elderly neighbor showing up with gigantic frozen lasagna and box of pastries. She only said"I thought you might need this for any extra family coming in from out of town" Her magnanimity remains with me to this day. It was a simple, tangible and very practical expression of sympathy. Such gestures save one from having to stumble awkwardly for the " right words" A definite amen for this article!
Your suggestions are helpful in making people aware of essential ways before the issue is actual rather then afterwards to induce even more grieve by saying the wrong words. Thanks!
I AGREED WITH THEM ALL, AND HAVE DONE THAT........
I lost my husband on July 12 and these suggestions are excellent . Many said things from the other list--things not to say--and I had to remember they were meaning well. Sometimes just a hug said it all!
Hugs Skogsmulla32
It's a very good list. I appreciate the companion list (what not to say) and the caveats here, such as not falling back on platitudes or falling back on sharing your own stories of loss and assuming these will be helpful or true for others.) Some additonal thoughts, things I've found very beneficial: Re: #10, sometimes, in addition to stepping up with some concrete and generic act of kindness such as the good suggestion here, an open-ended "How can I help?" is a good thing to say, as long as you have no attachment to needing an answer. It also creates an opening for saying, "If you think of anything, don't hesitate to ask. I'm here for you and together we can figure out what, if anything, needs to be done in the moment." - which is an elaboration on #2 and #4. While it's true some people will not have an answer or response to this kind of open-ended question, I like it because it presupposes nothing. It also might indirectly evoke a self-inquiry on the part of the grieving person. If this happens (which isn't the intention of the question) it's a very natural process and I have never found such a process of natural intelligence and inquiry to be less than beneficial ~ as long as one understands that the point of the inquiry isn't to get concrete answers! The answer many be "Nothing" (verbally) or nothing (an absence of response). Or, a response may come weeks or months (even years) later! Even if someone does not know how to tell you what they would find helpful or supportive, or may not be good at asking for help, it does create the opening. If you take this approach, it's good to be confident in your capacity to not judge, or give advice, and to be comfortable with whatever comes up - the answer or forthcoming request might suprise you! So you get to see what it's like to be unconditionally and spontaneously helpful and present, rather than thinking you know what would help. And you get to practice being okay and relaxed with just silently being with another in a loving way, whether it's someone you are very close to or not. If you're reading this and you don't have that capacity, consider that this might be something worth looking into. Strategies and skillfulness - including knowing, in general, what is and is not helpful to say - are useful, but your unconditional loving presence and not needing to fill the space with words or activity can be a great gift (as suggested at the top of the list). These are some things that I've learned through my own processes of grieving as well as through having the privilege to be of service to others when a life comes to an end, gradually or suddenly.
The specific information and suggestions, as in items 4, 9, and 10.
Sometimes we tend to say "stupid sounding" things without realizing it until we have opened our mouths! It's not that we are trying to be "Grief Police"! I know I made a stupid comment to my Granddaughter the other day because she was crying, you guessed it, I told her not to cry, when it is/was perfectly ok to cry! Sometimes we just need a good cry! Perhaps this is a poor analogy, but I do tend to "dummy up" when trying to express sympathy to someone!
I always feel that I either don't say enough and then make it up by saying too much! I am a nurse and I would never want to unintentionally or intentionally inflict more pain on anyone!
Hugs Skogsmulla32, Quiet Spirit
Great article...sometimes without meaning to we do more harm/hurt. It's good that we were given some alternative suggestions. Also a lot of how you respond depends on the individual person.
I just know being there when some one need's you they will ask,so just be there when they need you the most.I know that helping out in time you will be when you need to be there
The main thing that made me feel a little better was that i knew my mom and dad was not ever going to be in pain again .I know i still would miss them more then i would ever know ,how all the thought's ran thru my head of people who said it will be hard but that i will always have my memories ,I never thought that i would ever get beyond the phase that in time it get's easier but it did ,i miss my mom,dad ,neice,nephew and grand baby makayla who all lost there life way to young.
Hugs Skogsmulla32
I love # 10: If a close family member or my b.f.f. lost a loved one, that's what I would do!! Without saying or asking anything. I'd give them their space until they were ready to share their pain and thoughts with me...that's a hard one cuz everyone is different in their grief and in their sharing etc...
what TO say.
A very good article on a subject from which our culture often tries to hide. This will be good for people who mean well but aren't sure how to express their support for grieving friends or relatives.
Thanx Condolence calls are awkward at the best of times with out unintentional faux pas. Those were great suggestions.
I cannot stand when people tell me how to grieve. This is a good pointer for those who are "grief police". BACK OFF, and if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
Hugs Skogsmulla32
I think these ideas could be very useful to those that don't know what to say. Through my loss I have had some downright ignorant things said to me.
Hugs Skogsmulla32