Caregiving experts agree that your attitude has a powerful influence on the quality of the caregiving experience and its impact on your marriage. "It's important, no matter how busy you are, not to lose the fun in life, the celebration," says O'Dell.
- Honor each others' birthdays and holidays. This doesn't mean you need to make elaborate preparations. If you're pressed for time, pick up a cake at the grocery store and cook an easy dinner. And don't wait for the official holidays to celebrate. "If you're having a terrible day, see if you can turn it around," says O'Dell. "Sure, you're exhausted, but you can still grab candles, bubble bath, and a box of chocolates at the grocery store and make a night of it."
- Create satisfying rituals. O'Dell is a firm believer in little rituals that brighten the tough and often tedious landscape of caregiving. "My husband and I have had a long standing 'date' on Sundays -- with the couch, a quilt, the newspaper, some pastries, a pot of coffee, and the CBS Sunday Morning show," she says. "This has been our tradition for years, and as long as we have this very sacred time, the rest of our crazy week seems doable."
- Share an activity that your elderly relative enjoys. If your relative is very ill, she may not be able to do much -- but she still may enjoy taking a drive, watching a favorite movie together, or enjoying a special treat. O'Dell's mother, who had Alzheimer's, loved Dairy Queen, for example, so the family would frequently drive to one nearby and eat ice cream together in the car.
- Look for the 'gifts'. Therapist Emel points out that as demanding as it is, caring for elderly relatives also carries important rewards. "I don't want to paint too rosy a picture, because caregiving is really, really hard," she says. "But I always encourage people to look for the gifts in any situation. Caregiving can be a gift if it helps you and your spouse work on and improve your communication skills and ultimately strengthen you marriage."
Taking care of my mother in law has put such a strain on our marriage. I am his mothers primary care taker &I he is a full time medic.. He has turned to constant txtin, I feel like hos cell phone is the other woman.. we have 2 kids 11 & 13. I feel bad because all the field trips &I one in one time I just can't do with them because I have her full time
Re Caregiving by one spouse of the other. This is the most stressful of all kinds of family caregiving. Why? Because the intimacy relationship is different from all other family or friendship relations. Paula Spencer has a very good 5-point summary here: http://www.caring.com/blogs/caring-currents/caring-for-a-spouse-and-missing-out?utm_medium=email&utm_source=suggests&utm_campaign=conflict&utm_content=20110428 Also, check out the Well Spouse™ Association website and Forum, here: http://wellspouse.org. The group offers peer emotional support to husbands, wives or partners of people with any chronic illness and/or disability.
I know that my husband and I are going thru a difficult time right now. We are not on the point of divorce but I am seeing a therapist for the first time in my life. I never thought I would but I now realize that I am not happy living with my mother in law. I could not have told you that 4 years ago when we were looking at all moving in together and being one big happy family. My husband thinks counseling is pointless but I am looking forward to it. It will be refreshing to have someone else to talk to. I feel that my husband and I are constantly going over and over my mother in law's shortcomings and we are getting tired. Since she is not on death's door nor thinking of packing her bags, I realize I have to do something or stay unhappy.
My husband and I care for his mother together. She lives with us, he works out side the home and I am her primary caregiver. When he gets home from work we share the work load. We cook dinner together and one of us will wash dishes and the other feeds her. On weekends he cooks breakfast and I get her up and ready for the day. He makes my job easier just by participating in the care for his mother. It is a 24/7 job but it doesn't seem like work at all. I am blessed to have him and we make it a point to plan for weekend get aways at least about every six months, once in a while when we realy feel we need it, we get away for a week. We do every thing together, never apart. There is no strain on our marriage, We are going on our 7th year anniversary November 1st and we have been carring for his mother 4yrs now this October 15th. We made a choice not to let carring for his mother put a wedge in our marriage, this is a calling from God and a blessing. So sacrafice is what it takes, and we are only just turnning 40. So we will have the rest of our lives together, but for now It's about his mother. My son who just turned 18 this past July, has moved out on his own. He was a great help, He never complaind of any time taken from him, and he always offered to help in any way he could. He knew what sacrifices he had to make when he was 14yrs old and being the only child we could not do any of the family outings he would have liked to do. Over all we followed what God wanted us to do and in return He blessed our home. }!{
What if the patient is ONE of the couple?
This story really hit home with me. My husband and I are so totally stressed. It has built a wall around our marriage. We are so stressed all the time.We take out our problems on each other. I hate it.
It would e helpful if more articles were addressed to the situation where one spoise is taking care of the other !
puts it into perspective.
I guess this information is useful to those not in my specific situation, but what about caregiving between spouses? Elderly spouses are the first to deal with elder care and there doesn't seem to be much help or suggestions for their benefit.