Even the strongest relationships can be pushed to the brink when one or both members of a couple are caring for an elderly relative. Stress, lack of privacy, financial pressure, and simple exhaustion are common complaints of caregivers, as the results of Caring.com's recent caregiver survey make clear. Still, some couples find ways not only to cope with the challenges but to use the experience to strengthen their bonds.
What can caregivers do to protect and enhance their relationships? Caring.com consulted with experts, who point out that there are no magic bullets or easy answers. However, there are steps you can take to keep your marriage strong throughout the caregiving experience:
Make communication a priority.
Too often spouses fail to reach out to one another and talk about the many problems and conflicting feelings that arise in caregiving situations, say Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz, authors of the award-winning book Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage.
- No matter how busy or difficult it gets, says Caring.com's Family Advisor, Carol O'Dell, it's essential to talk frequently with your partner, or misunderstandings and resentments are bound to fester. "We often have pictures in our own head about how things are going," says O'Dell, "but we don't always express them, and our partner may have very different expectations. That's when it's time to talk it through."
- Therapist Bobbi Emel urges caregiving couples to meet regularly to talk about practical matters, express their feelings -- and simply to vent. "It's important, for example, to have an understanding that it's OK to express your frustrations or convey how exhausting your week was," she says.
Emel, who works with caregivers in her practice in Palo Alto, California, points out that men in particular have a tendency to want to fix things, but sometimes the caregiver just needs to gripe -- and the other partner should do his or her best to listen. "Once both partners have had a chance to vent," says Emel, "try to get into a problem-solving mode. For example, if you need more time with your partner, suggest something concrete: 'Once a month I need you to take a weekend off from caring for your mother, so we can get away.'"
Taking care of my mother in law has put such a strain on our marriage. I am his mothers primary care taker &I he is a full time medic.. He has turned to constant txtin, I feel like hos cell phone is the other woman.. we have 2 kids 11 & 13. I feel bad because all the field trips &I one in one time I just can't do with them because I have her full time
Re Caregiving by one spouse of the other. This is the most stressful of all kinds of family caregiving. Why? Because the intimacy relationship is different from all other family or friendship relations. Paula Spencer has a very good 5-point summary here: http://www.caring.com/blogs/caring-currents/caring-for-a-spouse-and-missing-out?utm_medium=email&utm_source=suggests&utm_campaign=conflict&utm_content=20110428 Also, check out the Well Spouse™ Association website and Forum, here: http://wellspouse.org. The group offers peer emotional support to husbands, wives or partners of people with any chronic illness and/or disability.
I know that my husband and I are going thru a difficult time right now. We are not on the point of divorce but I am seeing a therapist for the first time in my life. I never thought I would but I now realize that I am not happy living with my mother in law. I could not have told you that 4 years ago when we were looking at all moving in together and being one big happy family. My husband thinks counseling is pointless but I am looking forward to it. It will be refreshing to have someone else to talk to. I feel that my husband and I are constantly going over and over my mother in law's shortcomings and we are getting tired. Since she is not on death's door nor thinking of packing her bags, I realize I have to do something or stay unhappy.
My husband and I care for his mother together. She lives with us, he works out side the home and I am her primary caregiver. When he gets home from work we share the work load. We cook dinner together and one of us will wash dishes and the other feeds her. On weekends he cooks breakfast and I get her up and ready for the day. He makes my job easier just by participating in the care for his mother. It is a 24/7 job but it doesn't seem like work at all. I am blessed to have him and we make it a point to plan for weekend get aways at least about every six months, once in a while when we realy feel we need it, we get away for a week. We do every thing together, never apart. There is no strain on our marriage, We are going on our 7th year anniversary November 1st and we have been carring for his mother 4yrs now this October 15th. We made a choice not to let carring for his mother put a wedge in our marriage, this is a calling from God and a blessing. So sacrafice is what it takes, and we are only just turnning 40. So we will have the rest of our lives together, but for now It's about his mother. My son who just turned 18 this past July, has moved out on his own. He was a great help, He never complaind of any time taken from him, and he always offered to help in any way he could. He knew what sacrifices he had to make when he was 14yrs old and being the only child we could not do any of the family outings he would have liked to do. Over all we followed what God wanted us to do and in return He blessed our home. }!{
What if the patient is ONE of the couple?
This story really hit home with me. My husband and I are so totally stressed. It has built a wall around our marriage. We are so stressed all the time.We take out our problems on each other. I hate it.
It would e helpful if more articles were addressed to the situation where one spoise is taking care of the other !
puts it into perspective.
I guess this information is useful to those not in my specific situation, but what about caregiving between spouses? Elderly spouses are the first to deal with elder care and there doesn't seem to be much help or suggestions for their benefit.