It is easy to feel victimized in this situation; you are caught up in someone else's illness. The natural response is anger. Unfortunately, that is not a helpful response. Unleashing anger on the person in your care never helps.
On the other hand, it is not good for you to stuff those feelings. There are definite consequences to your health and well-being. Try these outlets:
- Caregiver support groups provide a place where you can vent feelings. Everyone there understands; no one will make you feel guilty. Members will often offer effective, real-world solutions. Scientific evidence indicates caregivers who participate in support groups are better able to deal with the situation.
- Make an appointment with a therapist or family counselor or clergyperson. If possible, make two appointments: one for you alone and one for you and the person in your care.
- Keep a journal of your feelings.
- Remember, people who have lost control may try to regain it by controlling what they can, which may be their caregivers.
- Separate the person from the condition. The illness, not the person in your care, is responsible for the difficulties and challenges that you both are facing. Don't blame the care receiver for the situation you are in.
- Set and enforce limits on how many non-essential needs you will fill per hour, such as pouring water or changing channels. Non-emergency care does not have to be handled immediately.
Tip: Sometimes it is necessary to tell the person in your care how you are feeling, but it is important not to accuse him personally. Saying “You make me feel angry” may worsen the situation. Instead say, “Just as I am trying to understand what you are going through, please try to understand what I am going through with you.”
i have become a caretaker to my grandmother,not purposely,but at first i didn't mind. i'm 26 & the single mother of a 4 year old,i also babysit my nieces very often. this is NO WAY prepared me for dealing w/ a senile 89 year old who becomes very nasty to me.she shrieks & screams @ me for no reason whatsoever.she also belittles me & treats all her other grandchildren much better,when i do everything except spoonfeed her & actually bathe her.she complains about me to my aunt,who she could go live with (btw she is a retired nurse who knows how to deal w the elderly),but she refuses to leave here.she could go stay w my uncle, or if she chose to go home my cousin would hire a private caretaker, but she seems to want go stay to criticize me all day.she has moments when she is her old self,but mostly it's nastiness & wild hallucinations.not to mention my mom thinks i'm being mean to her because she hates being around me(which couldn't be further from the truth.)i love my grandmother, but i really don't like her much these days after her personalitychanged.it might sound mean but i had to say it, and i can't tell anyone else.
Hi Anonymous, Thank you for taking the time to share your thought with us. Your opinions are important to us, and have been shared with our editorial staff. Thanks again. -- Emily | Community Manager
Therapeutic comminication, while the industry standard, is not helpful. This is the biggest waste of words on the planet. "Understanding" or being understood is the problem here. WE understand. WE write these letters. WE are asking for solutions. YOU are offering Theraupeutic Comminication that does not work, will not work, and creates more fustration wishing it would work. These are demented, cognitively impaired and mentally ill patients. WE are the caregivers who take care of the needs we can on a daily basis. WE are not mental health specialists, nurses, or behavioral managers. WE are people caught up in this sea of foul smelling sewer, caring for people who are physically, mentally and emotionally killing us. None of the people posting here will ever be the same after caring for their people. The money to have a few hours out is not there. The ability to pay someone to come in for a few hours is not there. The Social Services are too swamped with "more pressing situations than yours" to help, as well as too broke to offer placement. Call them and take away a bucket full of guilt for asking. Our relatives see what has happened to us and promise the moon, but stay away too. This is reality. YOU are offering communication skills to be used on people who refuse to hear the doorbell? YOU are offering communication skills we already have? Talk about solutions! Give us a direction! Go into a real home with real people and get a dose of our reality. Don't run to your book to the chapter on Therapeutic Comminication and act like you have done something. YOU know how useless it is too. You can't be that dumb.
It's hard when they are angry. Yes, social situations can be stressful. Just have to time things, & be prepared to leave. Also, meds. help! Families need education, & tolerance. Acceptance, & maybe, short visits. I deal w/ this a lot!
I pretty much ordered my hubby's family to come, & take him out. It's still not happening as much as it should. I feel so blessed to have my own family. I realized that people have their own priorities, & lives. It's sad that a Mom would just let her son suffer, & do minimal. I have a lot of anger toward his family for not being there when he needs them the most. But, realized, my anger isn't doing anything but harming me! Just have to find other folks who 'care', or are willing to help. Or, depend on 'paid' help. It's a sad reality. VERY DISAPPOINTING! I had to stop comparing them to my own.
Yes, I have hhad a great time reading all of this! Please feel free to keep great things like this coming-My Mom is 77 and 1/2 paralyzed due to a massive stoke, I have been her full-time caretaker for 2 1/2 years. I'll take all the help you can give me. God Bless you Big time thanks Karen J Morris
I am 72 and my husband is 78. He has early dementia. I am a Christian and am wondering how other people deal with the anger I am feeling. I feel no hope of what my future is going to be. After reading other people's comments and what they have to deal with as being a caregiver I know I am lucky because my husband is a good person and not violent but I still do not know how to handle this lack of hope for my future.
The book 'Elder Rage' is really helping me to learn the skills I need in order to survive the trying times. It's heartbreaking to hear the stories here, and I have so much respect for those who care for abusive family members. The anger that can be triggered is so difficult to admit to, much less to effectively manage. Please remember that our well-being is what matters most, and that there are strategies available to us that can sometimes effectively modify the abusers behavior. It is in our best interests to learn how to respond in ways that won't impair our self-respect. Anyone dealing with a dependent but abusive/violent family member should check out 'Elder Rage'.
For some reason, the big/long response I wrote didn't seem to show up. Again, Some of these situations are so sad. I feel blessed, in many ways. It sounds like some folks may need to just take these people to an Em. Rm. & just drop them off, & leave. Our system/society has left no other choice! When it becomes unhealthy/unsafe at home.....it must be time for the hospitals to 'step up', & place them. End of story. Sad, but true!
I don't have any words of "wisdom" for the people who posted here. I do admire you for putting up with these situations. I am truly afraid that, by doing the morally compassionate deed, you are only hurting yourselves. Perhaps going to someone whom you spiritually respect-priest, chaplain, etc-you could get a perspective on "how much" one person should sacrifice for another? My personal belief is that God would want you to "love your brother, AS YOURSELF"--which I feel means that you come FIRST. You all are in my prayers. I am sorry that I couldn't offer more.
I'm trying to find a in home live in person for my ex brother in law i live in hemet ca and im currently living with him hes a pig and he has congestive heart failure for a month now ive been wiping his ass and cooking his food and all he does is sit on his ass for 15 to 20 hours while i clean up after him he is such a pig he weights 500 lbs he just complains about all the wrong i do instead of the good things i do for his punk ass and im ready to walk and leave never come back here im so tired i even have to sleep on the floor please help me next week i hsve to go back work soon and im on call 24/7 so who do i get to take care of this 500 lbs PIG
The experts answers are so far off from the needs of the people who responded. Get someone to answer their very real questions. I have not had this situation and cannot offer advice. But some professional should be able to. The experts above list things like go to a support group, a counselor, etc. Can't they understand that a 24/7 caregiver would LOVE to get away for even an hour, but that they don't have that freedom? They are stuck there!!!!
I know this is a place to vent with no repercussions. I am hoping someone has some advice I can use or at least a direction to point me in. Everyone here sounds like you have such wonderful relationships with your parents and caring for them is stressful but still loving. My Aunt ,66, COPD, wheelchair bound from a broken hip, hypertension, 600 lbs at last weigh 2 years ago, Bi-polar, malignant narcissistic personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder and a recovering addict on too many scales to list, lives with me and not by choice. Her daughter asked me to watch her for a week while she moved to a smaller house due to the financial strain caring for her mother had put her in. She asked for an additional week to unpack and get her youngest child enrolled in college. She begged, pleaded, and cried until I said yes. She went to her attorney and had medical POA turned over to me in the event of a medical emergency. I was good with that, just in case. Now she will not take her back. She cared for her for four years. This is the meanest woman on Earth, no kidding, no Joshing, nothing! She throws coffee on my uniforms when I try to leave for work, spits food on me and flips me off, and slapped me so hard on the side of the head my ear bled. I arranged to move her to a nursing home and within 4 days, she was in a locked psych ward for aggressive behavior and destruction to her roommate’s property. When she was released, she promised to behave, agreeing to take all medications and follow all orders. That lasted 11 wonderful days. When I forced my way into her medical record, (staff really did not want to deny me the information but HIPPA stated otherwise, so I just grabbed the chart and found a place to sit) I found she had been thrown out of seven nursing homes and assisted living facilities for aggressive, unacceptable, deranged, unhealthy, and downright shocking behavior. This nursing home refused to let her stay for defecating in her wheelchair (on purpose with a threat of doing so) as well as throwing it at staff when she did not get her way(extra food at 10 pm). The local behavioral units will not even speak with me. They offer to regulate her meds in house but strongly remind me she will have to go home as soon as improvement is achieved. They suggest I find a way to force her daughter to take her back, legally if I have to. Her daughter, my cousin, sent me a two-page letter filled with apologies and begging for forgiveness. After nine months, I do not hold what she did against her. She put up with this kind of stuff for four years and did what she had to retain her sanity. We have no relatives she can go live with or none I have been able to contact. Public housing is out because she cannot medically live alone. Her nursing home record will keep her from almost any facility. The only reason the last one did was I had to have the file sent from another state and it took 3 weeks (they told me this). I am at my wits end with her, and all compassion is gone. The Psy facilities say she does not have enough money on SS and due to her health problems; they are not equipped to keep her for more than 5 days at a time. She defrauded Medicaid twice so is not eligible for even food stamps for 20 years. I would be grateful for any suggestions. I feel like I am in a nightmare I cannot wake up from. There has to be something I can do that does not involve sending her back to my cousin.
I would be grateful for any suggestions.
my father was abusive, physically, emotionaly amd in every way to my siblings and our mother. I left town distanced myself then as I dealt with life and got older I decided to put my self above all that, its his problem not mine, and as part of my healing (I am 51 years old) I refuse to let that part of my life rule me, I try to live my life to my standards and not give anything or anybody control, so I have been my father's caregiver for the last 15 months, he lives with me, prior to that I moved back to our home town 6 years ago to assist him with his needs and prior to that spend i year driving back and forth 40 miles to help him. he was diagnosed with aliz 8 years ago. I try to stay focused on my behavior, I try to leave the past in the past, live my life the way that I want to live it, I try not to let my father take away from that, many times it is nearly impossible, some times I cry in fustration and have to go outside for a few minutes, it's not easy taking care of my father, he calls me a fat pig, knows what buttons to push, accuses me of stealing his money, i quit working when he came to live with me, I went from 6,000 to 1,000 monthly income, yet he accuses me of keeping him sick so I don't have to work anymore, he lies to all his friends, tells them that I don't feed him, sleep all day and just watch TV,etc., it amazing that some believe him. my sister refuses to help in any way or form, he at one point broke her nose when she was 12, and she has only a very polite distant relationship with him. My brother helps me, maintain my home, runs errands for me, but performs very little personal care, he is married with job, children and busy, but he is very supportative. My father is such a diffcult man that I know in the nursing home he would have to be medicated so they can handle him, nobody else would put up with him. it has been very diffcult, but it has made me a stronger and better person, I miss my old life, but I keep reminding myself, that its only for a season, and I would have a hard time living with myself if I didn't care for him, in a way it's my way of saying look I am bigger than what you did to me, the chain of abuse stops here, be proud of yourself, pat yourself on the back, very few people would be willing to care for an abusive parent, your a very special person, it takes alot of love and maturity to seperate yourself from other peoples garbage. now I see why people send hugs, because I would like to send you one. it hasn't been easy, it's the hardest thing I have ever done, sometimes my thoughts toward him are practically evil, it would be not human to not think this way, you have alot of bad history, but then I work through it, the hardest part is distancing my self emotionaly, and seperating yourself from the ugly he tries to inflict on you, it took me months of practice, but you have to do it to remaine sane, sometimes I just ignore him, until he calms down, it seems the less I react to his ugliness, the less he does it, I know this is something I will not regret, there have been many small silver linings within the black clouds, kudos to you, I also pray alot.
I have a friend in her 60's that is in general good health but has had depression for years..now her husband has parkinsons and is in bed alot and now his mind is going...she says she gets very angry with him when he pulls out his catheter and wets on the bed and other things and she feels awful for getting upset with him..what can she do..? she is a christian lady and it shocked me when she told me this, but after reading articles i see alot of ppl get upset angry and depressed, which she is even more depressed..no one to help her, kids leave it all to her.. any suggestions?
Would appreciate comments on being sole caregiver to parent with most likely a lifelong personality disorder who was abusive physically, verbally, & emotionally (to this caregiver) when they were a child & whose only other sibling removed themself from the family years ago related to same. Any shared experiences would be appreciated. Tks.
what do you do when they are angry all the time and the family do not want to send time with them
What do you do when they are meean. and try to fight.